“I wouldn’t mind.” His eyes were warm and sincere.
“Probably not, but it’s not a good idea.” Although I had to admit, the longer I thought about it, the more I was tempted. I’d sleep next to a grizzly bear if I could rest the way I had in Sean’s arms. But I refused to use him like that.
“Tell you what,” he said, leaning forward. “Tonight, if you have a problem, call me. We’ll talk.”
Not a bad suggestion, and one he’d made earlier. “Do you think you can sweet-talk me into falling asleep?”
“Don’t know. But it’s worth a try.”
“Okay, you’re on.”
* * *
—
Sean and I spent a relaxing day together. We snuggled up on his sofa and watched movies from the eighties, classics. My favorite was Ghostbusters, and Sean was all over Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. We ate popcorn and ice cream for dinner and then I drove home.
I took a long soak in a hot bath and thought about our time together. I hadn’t taken a day off like that since before Harper got sick. I felt lazy, relaxed, and content. The feeling was foreign to me, and I was convinced I would fall straight to sleep and rest the entire night. The dry spell had been broken.
Wrong.
At one-thirty, I was wide awake. Groaning, I tossed and turned for another thirty minutes before in utter frustration I reached for my phone.
Sean answered as if he’d been awaiting my call, his phone already in his hand. “Can’t sleep?”
“No. It’s so exasperating I could scream.”
“Okay, babe, this is what I want you to do. Close your eyes and get comfortable.”
“All right.” On my back, I nestled into my pillow and closed my eyes.
“Are you comfortable?”
“About as comfortable as I can get.”
“Good, now think about me being with you, cuddled up against you. Put the picture in your mind of the two of us spooning. I have my arm around your middle and you’re relaxing against me. Can you do that?”
“I think so.” It wasn’t hard. Must be muscle memory, because I could almost feel my body tucked close to his.
He continued speaking in low tones for several minutes. At some point I must have dropped off, because I woke a few hours later to the sound of my alarm. My phone rested next to my pillow.
It’d worked. Having Sean sweet-talk me had worked. Sleep. Beautiful sleep. I was in heaven. I wanted to dance and sing and leap around the house like a spring lamb. Sean was the key to breaking through my insomnia.
For the next week, Sean talked me to sleep every night. We started texting, too. He’d managed to wiggle his way back into my life. I let him. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I needed him. But even more, I wanted to be with him. I loved the sound of his voice. Nothing soothed me more. The sadness that hung over me like a dark thundercloud shifted and there was light in my life again.
Although neither Dad nor Shirley mentioned it, I knew they were happy to see me back with Sean. We talked every day when he came in for his mocha. I’d gotten him to sample a few other specialty drinks, too. If there was an opportunity, I’d sit with him and we’d work the crossword puzzle from the newspaper together. Sean was much better at it than I was. I laughed again after what seemed like years. He was quickly becoming my addiction.
Then it happened. The way I knew it eventually would. He didn’t tell me in person. Instead, he sent a text.
Babe, I’m leaving on another assignment. I’ll be away for a week, maybe longer.
I noticed that he didn’t mention where he was headed. I toyed with how best to respond. It wasn’t like it was his job to talk me to sleep every night. He was a photographer and travel was a large part of his life. He was passionate about his work. I sent a one-word reply.
Okay.
You mad?
How could I be? If ever I was going to be honest, it was now. I needed to give him that. No. I’ll miss you.
Those three small dots appeared, letting me know he was typing a reply. Will you stay at my house and sleep in my bed while I’m away?
I didn’t need to think twice. If that’s what you want. When do you leave?
Tomorrow morning. Gonna miss you, too.
We spoke again that night. He told me about his assignment in the Caribbean. Can’t say I blamed him for escaping to a tropical island. I envied him the opportunity. When I said I was going to miss him, I meant for more than our nighttime conversations. He was the light that brightened my day, the sun my world revolved around. I looked forward to being with him.
* * *
—
The following afternoon, I drove out to Sean’s house and spent time with Bandit. My staying at his home was a win-win for us both. He had me to look after his dog and I could sleep in his bed. I didn’t know if I’d be able to sleep, but it was well worth the effort. Sean told me he would probably be able to call, but with the time difference, it might be difficult. I’d assured him that he needed to concentrate on his assignment and not worry about me. I meant it. I’d gone weeks without any notable sleep, I could easily go a week.
The first night, I had my doubts. Sure enough, I fell asleep easily, the same as always. About midnight, I stirred awake and groaned.
No, please no.
Grabbing hold of Sean’s pillow, I inhaled his scent and let it fill my senses. It was almost like having him with me. Before I knew it, I was back to sleep and woke with my alarm.
Success.
His text was waiting for me the next morning. Did you sleep?
Sitting up in bed, I answered right away. Like a baby. You’re my muse.
Did you cuddle my pillow?
It was as if he had a video camera in his bedroom and had been watching me. Yup. It was almost as good as cuddling you.
Don’t think so. Be home soon.
Not nearly soon enough to suit me. If Sean was counting down the days, then so was I. Bandit became my constant companion. Dad came to Sean’s place for dinner every night. He’d started looking at houses we could rent and found a small two-bedroom not far from where we were now that he felt would suit us. Although reluctant, I promised I’d go look at it with him. So many changes in such a short amount of time were too much for me.
Sean returned the following week and came directly to the shop before heading home. As soon as I saw him, without even thinking what I was doing, I walked into his arms.
I stated the obvious. “You’re back.”
“I came straight here. Missed you like crazy.”
“Missed you more.” I remembered saying almost those same words to him when he returned from Bolivia. And as he had the first time he’d returned from a trip, he drew me into his arms and kissed me. We’d hugged and cuddled since my bout with insomnia, but the kisses we’d shared were more pecks than real kisses.
This kiss was real. So real it made me weak in the knees. It was the kind of kiss that made me curl my toes and lean in more, opening to him like a flower in the sun, reveling in the taste, the feel, the scent of this man I had come to love. It was as though he were starving for the taste of me. The kiss went on for several moments, neither of us willing to bring it to an end.
When we broke apart, Sean leaned his forehead against mine and breathed in heavily. My breathing wasn’t any less labored.
“I needed that,” he whispered, his hands twined through the hair at the back of my head, as if he needed to keep hold of me, for fear I’d escape him.
“I needed that, too.”
He pulled away enough to meet my eyes. “Are we back, Willa? Tell me we’re back and that you are willing to be part of my life.”
Hugging him, my arms around his waist, I pressed my head against his chest. “We’re getting there,” I whispered.
“Good. Come home with me.”
“Now,” he reiterated. “I don’t want to be away from you a minute longer than necessary.”
“But don’t you need to unpack and—”
“Yes, but it can wait. What I need more than anything right now is time with you.”
“All right.” I found it impossible to refuse him.
To refuse myself.
CHAPTER 35
Willa
As I had so often in the last few weeks, I sat on the bench Sean had built and spoke to my sister. I knew Harper wasn’t really there to hear me; nevertheless, this was where I came to be with her, to share and chat the way we once had.
We’d always been close. Harper was more than my sister—she’d been my best friend, and the hole left in my life wouldn’t easily be filled. Time, I knew, was the great healer, and while she was gone, Harper would always remain a large part of who I am as a woman. I was learning to live with a new normal, like an amputee navigating life with a lost limb.
“It’s Sean again,” I whispered. “He’s away on another assignment, doing a shoot for an L.L.Bean catalog.” I missed him when he was away. In the last month we’d gotten close, even closer than before Harper had gotten sick. It had all started with the bench he’d built and then his help with my insomnia. Now we spent part of every day together, unless he was away on a shoot. Even then we talked and texted, so it hardly seemed that he was gone.
I’d been staying at his home when he was traveling, on the excuse that someone needed to be there for Bandit. What I readily admitted was how much I enjoyed sleeping in Sean’s bed. For the most part my insomnia had passed, and I rarely needed to wake Sean in the middle of the night any longer. Although I should confess that I rather enjoyed him sweet-talking me back to sleep. How patient he’d been, caring and concerned, willing to do what he could to help.
He traveled a great deal, but if we were going to be a couple, then it was something I would need to adjust to, and for the most part I had. At least this time he wasn’t shooting in a third-world country and I didn’t need to worry about him picking up some rare disease. I suppose I should be concerned with him being around all those gorgeous models with their perfect bodies. I wasn’t, though. Sean was mine, and I knew it. He’d worked hard to prove he loved me.
“I love him,” I told Harper. “I tried hard not to; it was by far the safer bet for me.
“I’ve been afraid to love him, afraid I’d always be second place behind his camera and career,” I told my sister. “Afraid he would take too many chances with his life and health. I wouldn’t survive another loss.”
I didn’t like to think of myself as fragile and looking to protect myself, protect my heart. There was no protection against Sean, though. He was determined to win me over, and eventually I succumbed.
“You knew, didn’t you?” I asked, not expecting a reply but knowing she had one. “The first time you saw him, you knew Sean was the one for me.” My sister had known intuitively long before I had.
That wasn’t all Harper knew, I suspected. When I’d shared my worries for her with my brother all those months ago, some inner warning, some deep-seated fear, told me Harper was unconsciously aware her time was short. It was all so very clear to me now.
“Dad is doing well,” I continued, updating her on our lives. “You’d be proud of the turnaround he’s made. He faithfully attends his AA meetings and is making new friends. He loves his job and has already gotten a raise. He’s working full-time now. It’s good for him. He’s happier now than at any other time since Mom died.”
Although I hated to move out of the apartment, it had been for the best. There were far too many memories of Harper tied up there, so Dad and I made the big move to the rental house. It was small but adequate. Dad loved the garage and had turned it into a woodworking shop. When I asked him what he was building, his reply was always the same: sawdust.
I enjoyed how he lavished love on Snowball, who was often found in his lap while he watched television. Growing up, we’d never had a cat, as Mom was allergic. It seemed my dad was a real cat person. Snowball didn’t have much to do with me these days, and I had the feeling it was because of Bandit, whom she chose to ignore whenever he was around.
I smiled and looked down at my sister’s gravestone and the Bible verse we’d had etched there. “But the greatest of these is love.” It was love Harper had spoken of in her last words to me. Love. I felt surrounded by it. Besieged by love from Sean, who refused to give me up. From my brother and Chantelle and of course our father. Love was all around and I could feel it, just as Harper had whispered in her final word to us.
My visit complete, I stood up from the bench, running my finger over the metal plate Sean had placed there. In loving memory of Harper Lakey.
“You ready, boy?” I asked, as I tugged at Bandit’s leash, leading him back to the car.
The sun broke out, rare for a February day, and, wanting to take advantage of it, I headed to the beach. It’d been a while since I’d walked there, and I’d missed the exercise, the feel of the wind on my face, the call of the seagulls, and the rushing sound of the waves as they broke over the sand.
I parked and Bandit jumped out of the car, eager to stretch his legs. I released him from his leash and off he took, bounding over the first sand dune and toward the water with an enthusiasm that had me laughing.
The sound of my laughter carried in the wind and came back to me almost like an echo. After my sister’s death, I wondered if I would ever really feel joy again. I could laugh, and that was a start.
I called out to Bandit and he turned at the sound of his name. He raced back to me, his tongue falling out of the side of his mouth in his excitement. I shook my head at his boundless energy. He immediately raced off again, chasing a seagull.
With the sun out, a few others had ventured onto the beach, taking advantage of the afternoon. Feeling the warmth of it, I lifted my face to the sky, letting it spill over me. This was exactly what I needed in the middle of a dreary winter that seemed to go on for far too long.
To think that just a year ago Harper had announced she intended to climb Mount Rainier come summer and had signed up for conditioning classes. A year ago, I hadn’t known Sean.
What a difference a few months could make.
“Willa.”
Sean’s voice came to me and I whirled around to see him walking along the beach, toward me.
I immediately started toward him, my heart leaping with joy. “I didn’t think you were due back until tomorrow,” I said, holding my hands out to him. He gripped hold of them and brought me close for a hug.
“I wasn’t, but the shoot went better than expected.” He slipped his arms around my waist and kissed me.
I would never tire of this man’s kisses. Oh, the things he did to me made me forget we were in full view of all of Oceanside. I looped my arms around his neck and gave myself over to him, welcoming him home.
Bandit raced to Sean’s side and Sean bent down to pet his faithful companion. “Did you miss me?” he asked, glancing up at me.
“I always miss you.”
“Good. Missed you, too. Did you sleep?”
“Like a newborn.” How could I not? Sleeping in Sean’s bed while he was away, surrounded by his scent, was all that was necessary. Feeling close to him was all the comfort I needed for my weary body to give way to blissful rest.
“I’m thinking you should make sleeping in my bed permanent,” he said casually, although the look he sent me was serious.
“You want me to move in with you?”
“I can think of nothing I want more. But there are conditions.”
“Conditions?” I asked, wondering at his mood.
“I want you there as my wife.”
I leaned my head against his shoulder as we walked arm in arm, the salty scent of the air filling my
senses. “Are you afraid I’m going to have a change of heart about us?” I asked. I’d hoped by now he knew how deeply in love with him I was.
He squeezed my hand. “I know what I want, Willa, and it’s you at my side for the rest of our lives. You as my partner, the mother of my children. I’ve had my time in the limelight, entertained a certain amount of fame.”
“And beautiful women,” I reminded him.
He leaned over and kissed the top of my head. “I have a beautiful woman now.”
I looked up at him and smiled. Until Sean, I’d never thought of myself as beautiful. Harper was the one in the family who got all the beauty, but who was I to argue.
“You’re the one I want, Willa. You’re the one I love. Say you’ll marry me.”
“Yes,” I whispered, tears in my eyes. His eyes held mine as he removed an engagement ring from his pocket and slipped it on my finger.
Sean turned me into his arms and squeezed me hard. “Thank you. I promise to be the husband you deserve.”
The diamond shone in the sunlight and I whispered, “But the greatest of these is love.”
He stared down at me quizzically.
“That’s the Bible verse on Harper’s marker. Life is all about love.”
“Yes, it is,” he agreed. Bandit bounded back to us, kicking up sand.
We kissed again, sealing our commitment to each other, and then continued down the beach.
Walking together hand in hand toward our future.
In memory of Roberta Stalberg,
my beloved friend
BALLANTINE BOOKS FROM DEBBIE MACOMBER
A Walk Along the Beach
Window on the Bay
Cottage by the Sea
Any Dream Will Do
If Not for You
A Girl’s Guide to Moving On
A Walk Along the Beach Page 28