Her gaze dropped to her lap as she searched for the right words. “I’m so confused, Paul. I don’t even recognize myself anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
“I saw him yesterday. Trisha tricked me into having lunch with him.” She shook her head to erase the scenes playing over and over in her mind. “We had an awful fight.” And the hottest make-out session she'd ever engaged in. It heated her body every time she thought about it. Which was just about all the dang time.
“What did you fight about?”
“Nothing and everything. We just rub each other the wrong way.” Of course, they rubbed each other in some truly amazing ways as well.
Paul gave a short chuckle. “That’s nothing new, Alyssa. You and Cole have been doing that for quite some time.”
“Yes, but yesterday something new happened. Something that makes no sense.”
Paul’s interest deepened. “Oh?”
Alyssa looked down at her hands, now twisting nervously in her lap. “We kissed.”
“I see. But I thought you kissed each other before yesterday as well. How is this new?”
She shook her head vigorously. “Yes, yes, we've had a couple of kisses before but this time we were in the middle of a fight and then suddenly we were kissing each other like we couldn’t possibly get enough.”
“Kissing is better than fighting.”
“Paul, Cole and I hate each other. We have for years. Our kissing each other like that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.” Her hands tightened into fists. “I want to know why.”
Paul took her cold hands into his warm ones. “Hate is rather a strong word don't you think?” He looked at her troubled face and heaved a silent sigh. How to help her? Some things needed to be discovered on their own. Perhaps, though, he could nudge her along. “Hate is a product of negative thoughts. Whenever you think about Cole, you think along negative lines. Why don't you try being neutral with him, see where that leads you?” When Alyssa continued to look at him like she expected more, he squeezed her hands. Answers to personal problems could not be solved by others. She needed to look inward and figure it out herself. “Do you know what causes anger, Alyssa?”
“Sure, jackasses like Cole.” Her face colored, aghast that she'd just said that out loud. "Sorry. That wasn't very nice of me."
Paul couldn't help but smile. “Well that wasn't quite the answer I was looking for." He made sure to maintain eye contact with her as he continued for he wanted to be sure she understood him. "Anger is the result of either hurt or fear or even both.” When Alyssa shook her head, denying his words just as he expected her to do, he gave a mental sigh. It was why he couldn't help her with this particular problem. Until she figured it out on her own, she'd reject anything that didn't agree with her current line of thinking.
“Anger is not just about those two things, Paul. If that was the case then what you are saying is that Cole and I are constantly hurting each other. Either that or we’re afraid of something.” Her face hardened. “I assure you, I’m not afraid of Cole and I don’t think he’s afraid of anything. As for our hurting each other, well, that's just hogwash. Sorry, I don't mean to be disrespectful but I think we need to take that out of the equation.”
“Are you telling me that you have never been hurt by the things he's said? Do you really believe he hasn't suffered a hurt or two by anything you have done or said as well?" She went totally silent and he knew she was mulling it over, considering. Hoping to keep her going in this new line of thought, he took her hands and squeezed them gently. "Neither of you act with the best of intentions when dealing with each other." He gentled his voice and did his best to drop his next little bomb in the kindest way possible. "I think there is some fear on your part that Cole is never going to like you.” He wanted to use the word love but he knew she wasn't ready for that. Not yet. Perhaps never. He just didn't know.
Alyssa yanked her hands away and shook her head in denial. “No, Paul. I don’t agree. I couldn't care less if Cole likes me or not." She stood and paced around the sofa. "What I do care about is the stupid war we wage with each other and how it bothers everyone we love. As for what you said about being hurt...well it's not hurt I feel towards him but anger. Outrage sometimes. To be hurt by someone, you must first care and I don’t care for Cole in the least little bit.” And if she told herself that enough, she just might believe it.
Alyssa's agitation told Paul that she was going to shut down and stop listening to him if he continued pressing his point. That's what people did when they weren't ready for the truth. Still, he felt he should try one more time to help her see things from a different perspective. “Nearly all causes for anger are those two emotions. People respond to hurt in many ways, Alyssa. When the response is anger it is because they can’t or won’t recognize their feelings for what they really are.”
Alyssa continued her pacing, her mind filling with questions, struggling to understand. Was it true what Paul was telling her? Did she really care about the things Cole did? What he thinks? What he says? “It’s true that I cared for him once.”
“You cared very deeply.” He paused to give her a moment to think things over. “Do you remember the Christmas party you told me about … back when you had a crush on Cole?” Alyssa merely looked at him, her expression blank though he had a feeling she knew exactly what he was talking about. “You were sixteen at the time, right?” Alyssa nodded, her expression tightening. Figuring he best proceed with caution, Paul spoke slowly, quietly, ready to stop if she showed any signs of rebellion. “Is it possible that what you perceived as rejection all those years ago hurt you very much? Is it possible that over time, in an effort to not care, your feelings became what you now perceive as anger?”
Alyssa’s pacing stopped. “It’s anger because he’s such a … such a dang, stupid idiot.” She shook her head for emphasis. “No, there's no hurt involved." Her face twisted into a grimace. "Not anymore anyway. Back then...yes, back when he first started being mean I will admit that I was hurt by it. But," she added, holding up a finger and jabbing it in the air for emphasis. "Eventually I just got pissed."
“Then why are you angry with him all the time? Why? Alyssa, can’t you see that anger is an easier emotion for you to deal with? It hides your vulnerability and gives you imagined strength against the pain.” He reached for her and pulled her back down beside him. “Search your feelings, Alyssa. Once you understand your true feelings, you will better understand the situation between Cole and yourself.”
Alyssa passed a hand over her tired eyes. “Right now I want to understand why Cole and I shared such a kiss that all I could think about was that I didn’t want it to ever end.”
“Alyssa, neither you nor Cole truly hate each other. Honestly, that is a strong, over-used expression. What you don't like is what the two of you do to each other. Kissing is a very personal experience. It tears down false feelings and allows the truth to unfold.”
“What truth?”
“The truth of the human need to be comforted, cared for.” He watched the display of emotion play across her expressive face. “There are many ways we seek these feelings, kissing is just one of them.”
“So what you are saying is that Cole and I shared an explosive kiss because our fighting put us in a position of needing comfort?” It was true that she had indeed sought comfort from him at one point. After he'd kissed her so angrily and then apologized, she'd wanted nothing more than to seek solace in his embrace. “That's all it was? It was no more than an act of comfort?” It seemed rather trivial considering the sizzling hot, mind-blowing make-out session they'd engaged in.
Paul splayed his fingers in a gesture of retreat. “I’ll let you figure it out, Alyssa. If you’d just be at peace and stop fighting your conscious mind, you’d know what that kiss was all about.”
Alyssa looked at Paul and tried to assess what he just told her. He was suggesting there was more to her feelings for Cole than what she was willing to admit. She tho
ught about it. She thought very hard. Could it be true? Did it even matter?
“It works the other way as well, Alyssa. Cole’s behavior towards you is not exactly rational either. I would venture a pretty good guess that his feelings for you are much deeper than he’s letting on.” At her skeptical expression he nodded. “Yes. It’s perfectly okay, you know. God wants us to love one another after all.” When she looked ready to argue his word choice, Paul held up a hand to silence the protest. "I mean that in a general sense of course. You know, brotherly love and all that."
Alyssa sank down beside him, her shoulders slumping in resignation. “We’ve done so much to each other. We’ve been so mean.” It took a lot of courage for her to admit that to Paul. He was, after all, a man whose chosen profession was devoted to God and all that was good in the world.
“So now you must forgive him and forgive yourself.”
She sighed. Why is it she knew he was going to say that? “I’m not looking for a sermon, Paul, just some advice from a friend.”
“And as a friend, I will repeat it. You need to forgive each other for all the pain you each have caused.”
“What if Cole doesn’t want to forgive me?”
“Then you must do so anyway. As you forgive, so will you be forgiven.” At her narrowed look, he put up a hand and laughed softly. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry. I guess I’m sounding too much like a priest.”
“So what do I do now?”
“You and Cole have fallen into a pattern of negativity. You attack him, he attacks back. Change the pattern, Alyssa. He will have no choice but to do the same.”
“If I do this, won’t it give him more power to hurt me?” That was the root of her fear after all. She didn’t want Cole in a position of power. Not over her anyway. The emotional repercussions were more than she was willing to accept.
“The only power he has over you is the power you willingly give him.”
“I don’t understand.”
Paul considered for a moment then tried to explain. “If you get defensive whenever he speaks to you then you will respond by attacking him. He responds with a counter attack. And the pattern continues. If you stop taking everything he says or does as an attack against you, you won’t feel compelled to respond with hostility. And if you don’t respond to him with hostility, he has no reason to get defensive with you either. The pattern changes.” He squeezed her hands. “Don’t you see? It’s all in how you look at it. Instead of simply reacting...take the time to decide how you are going to react.” Paul paused, studied her thoughtful expression then went on. “When it comes to Cole, you automatically perceive anything he says as an attack. All I'm suggesting is that you try to remain neutral when he's addressing you. Keep the defensive wall down. Walls create barriers and barriers prevent clear viewpoints which then color your perception." He patted her arm, squeezing it gently to press home his point. "When your response to him changes from attack to neutrality, he will react differently. It might still be negative, but it won't be his usual response. Try it and see for yourself. No one of rational mind reacts the same way to two separate, very different responses.”
"Yeah well, Cole isn't always rational when it comes to me."
Paul sighed. "You know what I mean. The man seems to have a pretty good head on his shoulders."
He had a gorgeous head but that didn't make him rational. Not wanting to argue about it anymore, Alyssa merely nodded. As for their discussion, well, she was going to have to give it all some serious thought. She was tired of the war between herself and Cole. He was tired too. He'd told her he wanted peace. “I am tired of the fighting, Paul.”
“Of course you are. All that negative energy is very draining, not only emotionally and physically but mentally as well.”
“So what I basically need to understand is that when we kissed each other yesterday, we were just responding to a need for comfort.” It made sense and she felt immensely relieved. Deep down she'd worried that it meant something else. Something she did not want to put into words.
“Only you and Cole know what that kiss meant. In any case, it certainly is nothing to be ashamed of.”
Alyssa hugged him, thankful for his friendship and wanting to convey it. “You are truly a wonderful friend, Paul. Thank you.”
He dropped a kiss on the top of her head. “You're welcome.” Knowing she needed some down time from all her fussing and worry, Paul glanced at his watch. “What time did you say that rehearsal was?”
“Six. Why?”
“Well, I’m free for the day. How about we get your mind off things and play a game of chess?”
She grinned. “Okay you’re on but prepare to lose. I’m getting better.”
A couple hours later, defeated but not without giving it a good fight, Alyssa sank back on her knees and yawned. “That was a good game, Paul. Next time I’m due for a win.”
“You look beat.” Paul grinned at the pun then gave her shoulder a gentle, sympathetic squeeze. “Why don’t you go lie down for a while?”
“Can’t. You forget, I’ve got Trisha’s and Jack’s wedding rehearsal later. If I fall asleep now, I’ll sleep straight through and miss it. Trisha would have my hide.” But a nap sounded heavenly. She yawned again.
Paul began picking up the chess pieces. “Listen, I need to do some reading. Why don’t you go lie down and I’ll just make myself comfortable, get some reading done and then I’ll wake you in a couple hours?”
“Paul, you are a dear, but I can’t go lie down. It wouldn’t be right.”
He grasped her hands and helped her to her feet, then with an arm firmly around her waist, he began walking with her to her bedroom. “I don’t need constant entertainment, Alyssa. I’m perfectly content to be alone with just myself and God. You need to rest or you won’t be in charge of your full faculties this evening.”
They stopped by her bedroom door and Paul pushed it open, waving her in. “Please?”
Catching some sleep was very tempting. She didn't get much of it the night before. “Okay, Paul. You win.” She entered her bedroom then turned back to him. “Two hours, Paul. No more than that.”
“Two hours, gotcha. Sweet dreams, angel.” He closed the door then retrieved his briefcase from the hallway and carried it to the living room. After kicking off his shoes and propping some pillows on the sofa, he settled down with his notes and became lost in his bible.
A couple hours later, Paul's watch alarm let him know that it was time to put his book away and wake Alyssa. He finished the passage he was reading then sat up to stretch, amazed at how quickly time had passed. Then again, there was no sense of time when the mind was occupied. Before one knew it, their life on earth was over. Given that, he said a prayer for Alyssa and Cole, his hope for them being they found their peace with each other and soon. Life was just too short to be wasting it away with fighting.
Knowing he had to wake her but reluctant to do so, Paul glanced at Alyssa's bedroom door. She'd looked so tired and worn out, it really was a shame not to let her sleep a little longer, but he promised and he'd keep his word. First, though, he needed to put in a delivery request. The rumbling going on in his stomach had him picking up his cell phone. Pizza would hit the spot. Besides, Alyssa was sure to be hungry too.
After taking a few moments to pack his book away and make a trip to the bathroom, he finally went to Alyssa’s bedroom door and knocked gently, not wanting to jolt her awake. When she didn’t answer, he knocked a little harder. “Alyssa?” Still no answer. He pushed the door open and saw her curled up on the bed, her arms wrapped around a pillow. Smiling at the cute picture she made, he walked across the room and stopped next to the bed, his hand outstretched to shake her awake and yet hesitant to do so. She looked so at peace that he was loathe to disturb her. But a promise was a promise. He reached down and gently brushed the hair from her face. “Alyssa?” She stirred, drawing the pillow tighter to her body. Smiling at her reluctance to join the waking work, Paul was about to shake her again when
he heard knocking at the door and decided to get that first. It was probably the pizza although it hadn't been that long. Were they getting quicker at it these days?
He stepped out of Alyssa’s room then stilled in surprise when he saw Cole standing in the living room, a strange look on his face, his stance rigid. Whatever thoughts were racing through his head, they weren't good ones. “Cole! This is a surprise.” A quick glance into the bedroom told him that Alyssa still had not stirred and he quietly closed the door. Perhaps this would be a good time for him and Cole to talk. The man's body language, however, told him it would likely be a futile endeavor. Though he wasn't sure why, he seemed quite upset, as if trying to process something that he couldn't quite wrap his head around. The fact his mouth was pressed into a thin line was a good indication he was determined to say nothing though he clearly wanted to. What surprised Paul the most, however, was the expression in his eyes. They were hard and cold. Wishing he knew what was causing such a reaction, Paul gave him an encouraging smile.
Cole took a step back toward the door. “I’m sorry, Paul. I didn’t know Alyssa had company.”
“That’s quite all right, Cole.” Did his car in the driveway not give him a clue?
“I’ll just catch her later at the rehearsal.” Without waiting for a reply, Cole turned and strode to the door.
"Cole, wait."
His hand on the door knob, Cole paused. For a moment he stood there, unmoving, then heaving a sigh, he turned and faced Paul, his expression wary. "What?"
“Why don’t you stay? I’ll get Alyssa.” He motioned towards the bedroom. “She's resting but I need to wake her up anyway.”
Cole’s scowl deepened and he looked like he had to collect himself before he could drum up a reply. “No, thanks, Paul, it can wait. I’m sorry to have interrupted.” This time he gave no chance for Paul to delay him further for he pulled the door open with barely controlled force and walked out without another word.
Wondering what that was all about, Paul stood for a moment in silent contemplation. His eyes surveyed the room, seeing it as Cole must have done. His blazer lay over the back of the sofa, his shoes under the coffee table alongside Alyssa’s. Their two wine glasses sat on the table top alongside a near empty bowl of grapes. Pillows were piled at one end of the sofa and gave the correct impression that someone had been reclined there. And then he came out of Alyssa’s bedroom. It would be easy to assimilate the wrong impression, especially if he was missing key information. Oh dear. Paul passed a weary hand across his eyes. Did Cole understand what kind of relationship he and Alyssa shared? Something told him that he did not.
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