“Oh my god, I love Charlie,” said Gemma. “I’d totally forgotten how sweet he is. So do you think I’ll ever be able to hit it like that?”
“Not unless you wear your glasses! I mean it’s difficult to hit something you can’t actually see!”
When Charlie came back with the ball, he insisted on training Gemma himself. He bowled over and over until finally after about 500 attempts, she managed to make contact with the ball. It didn’t go very far but we all cheered and high-fived each other, then collapsed onto the grass.
It was difficult to read Mum’s mood when she got home. She seemed pleased that Gemma was round, really pleased, and it meant neither of us mentioned the row or the fact that I’d rushed off in the morning without breakfast. Charlie kept us entertained all through tea, imitating Gemma’s attempts to hit the ball, waving his arms around with his eyes half-closed.
After pudding we went up to my room and Gemma helped me with my project. We got heaps done, almost the whole thing. It was a relief to do something so normal but at the same time I couldn’t help listening out for Dad. I was desperate for him to come home, but dreading it at the same time – worried sick about Mum’s phone call with Aunty Hat and what was going to happen next.
Chapter 15
Rounders was a massive disappointment on Wednesday. Nathan was away and it was so unbearably hot that Mr Skinner decided to end the session early.
“All that practice for nothing,” moaned Gemma as we trailed out of school. “I’ve stored everything Charlie taught me in my head, but I’ll probably forget it all by next week.”
I was going to ask if she wanted to come over again, or suggest going over to hers so we could do our Holes homework together, but as we came through the main gates I saw Dad waiting for me, leaning against his van on the other side of the road. I’d barely seen him since his row with Mum the other night. I didn’t even know if they’d made up.
“Listen, I’ve got to go,” I muttered. “It’s my dad. I’ll text you later.”
Dad’s eyes lit up as I crossed the road. He held his arms out for a hug but I hung back, uncomfortable. He never waits for me after school, not unless I have the dentist or something.
“What do you think of this weather, Maddie?” he said as I climbed in the van. “It’s hotter in England today than in Portugal.”
I didn’t know what to say. He was acting like picking me up was completely normal, as if it was something he did all the time, but there was seriously nothing normal about it. He chatted all the way home about the weather and a job he’s been doing and the nightmare he was having with one of his old customers.
“Dad, what’s actually going on?” I said as we pulled up outside the house. “Has something happened? Is it Mum or Charlie?”
“No of course not, what do you mean?”
“It’s just you never pick me up…you’re always at work at this time. Why aren’t you at work?” I reached into my bag and pulled out my ribbon, my hands trembling slightly.
Dad frowned. “What’s that doing in your school bag?”
“Nothing, I don’t know. Please don’t tell Mum…”
“Look, you really don’t need it, Mads,” he said gently, taking it off me. “There’s nothing wrong, I promise. I just wanted to spend some time with you – I’ve been so busy lately.”
Yes, but busy doing what?
“You know, my dad was never around for me much when I was growing up. He was either at work or out at the pub with his mates…”
I stared at him. Dad never talked about my granddad. He died before I was born and I hardly know anything about him. Nan didn’t talk about him much either. I remember her saying once that he was a quiet man – not a great one for chatting or cuddles.
“The day you were born,” Dad went on, “I held you in my arms and I made a promise to myself, and to you, that I wouldn’t be like him – distant, difficult to talk to. I didn’t want to be that kind of dad.”
“You’re not,” I said. “You’re a brilliant dad.”
I waited for him to make a joke, lighten the mood, but I’d never seen his face so serious.
“He was in the Scouts when he was a boy, my dad. Be prepared! That was his motto. A good Scout is always prepared. He was the sort of man who would take an umbrella out on a sunny day, just in case it rained. I’m not kidding, Maddie, it could be as hot as it is today, the middle of summer, not a cloud in sight, but he’d still have his umbrella with him…” He paused for a moment. “But life’s not like that, is it?”
“What do you mean?” I said. “I don’t understand.”
Dad stared down at his hands, fiddling with his keys. “What I mean is, you can’t predict when it’s going to rain. However prepared you are, you’ll always get caught out. You never know when life is going to deliver a surprise…”
My heart began to thump. He was talking about Sharon. He wasn’t talking about the weather. He was talking about Sharon getting in touch after so many years. She was the surprise. I yanked the ribbon back from him, my heart going a million miles an hour.
“You’re talking in riddles,” I said. “I don’t get what you actually mean…”
“I know, I know, I’m sorry,” said Dad, getting flustered. “I’m just trying to say that your granddad didn’t like surprises. He liked to know that everything was mapped out and…”
“I don’t like surprises either,” I said interrupting him. “I hate surprises! I hate them. Whatever your surprise is, I don’t want to know!”
I yanked the van door open and scrambled out. I didn’t want him to tell me. I didn’t want to know. I was too frightened. Mum was right. I couldn’t cope with one more change.
I let myself in and raced upstairs to my room, slamming the door behind me. Vivian said I’d learn to cope with change over time, but I’d never felt so frightened in my life.
A moment later Charlie burst into my room and flopped down next to me on my bed, hot and sticky in his uniform. He must’ve heard me come in.
“So how did rounders go? Did Gemma remember what I showed her? Did she manage to hit the ball?”
I shook my head, trying to get my breath back, to calm myself down. “Mr Skinner called it off because of the weather. That’s why I’m home early.”
“Hey, was that Dad’s van I saw just now?” said Mum, popping her head round the door. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing, he just came to meet me from school.”
“What did he do that for?” She went over to the window, frowning. “Where’s he gone now?”
“I’m not sure. I think he just drove off. He’s probably gone back to work. I don’t even know why he came to pick me up in the first place.”
She came over to the bed and squashed herself between the two of us, clocking my ribbon still clenched in my fist. A flicker of worry crossed her face. “Are you okay, Maddie? What did he actually say?”
“I don’t know, just something about granddad and the Scouts and how he was always prepared.”
“Granddad?” said Mum, almost to herself. “Why on earth was he talking about your granddad?”
I watched her closely. She seemed to be upset, but not that upset – not the sort of upset she’d be if Dad was about to leave her. She opened her mouth and then closed it again, as if she wanted to tell me something but decided, for whatever reason, that it would be better if she kept it to herself.
It was almost a relief to get to school the next morning. Dad had spent the whole of breakfast talking football tactics with Charlie. He didn’t even mention our conversation in the van – all that stuff about Granddad – but I could feel it hanging in the air between us, waiting to go off like an unexploded grenade.
I had no idea if he’d told Mum about my ribbon either, the fact that he’d seen it in my bag. I was scared she might force me to leave it under my pillow, check before I left the house to make sure I didn’t have it with me. There was no way I could face the day without it. So I gulped my cereal down and r
ushed out before she had the chance to say anything.
Sally-Ann was at the hospital again, so it was just me and Kieran at nurture group. He sat there balancing his stones while I doodled on my pad. Vivian waited to see if either of us was going to start things off and then after about five minutes she said, “Last time you were here, Maddie, you mentioned your nan dying. I was just wondering…had she been ill for a long time?”
I shook my head, swallowing. “No, it was really quick. She had a stroke and she started to recover, but then she got one of those hospital infections and died a week later.”
“That must’ve been a shock, especially as you were close.”
“It was horrible,” I said, tears springing to my eyes. Nan was still riding around on her bicycle the day before she collapsed. I never even thought of her as old. She was so full of life, always laughing, rushing around from one thing to the next…
Kieran had stopped balancing his stones. He leaned forward, his eyes fixed on my face.
“I didn’t even have a week,” he said. “My mum was run over, so one minute she was alive and the next minute she was dead.” He clicked his fingers. “Just like that.”
I breathed in sharply, putting my hand over my mouth. Even though I already knew about his mum, it was still a shock to hear him say it out loud.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “You must miss her so much.”
He stared down at the table, pressing a stone into his hand. One tear rolled down his face, and then another. I looked over at Vivian, waiting for her to do something, but she just let him sit there and cry. After a bit she said, “You’ve both lost someone you loved and I think that’s given you the courage to share those feelings with each other today. It’s very frightening to realize that, however hard we try, we can’t always control what happens.”
I could feel the knots in my stomach loosen for the first time in weeks and weeks, to hear her describe the fear that had been lodged inside me for so long. She offered us both a tissue but Kieran shook his head, wiping his eyes on the back of his sleeve.
“Can I go now?” he said.
It sounded weird. He’d never asked if he could leave before – he usually just got up and walked out whenever he felt like it.
When he’d gone I told Vivian about the day Nan collapsed. How I was with her when it happened, how I tried to call for help but no sound came out, how frightened I’d been to visit her in hospital, how I’ve always hated hospitals ever since Charlie was born. And I told her about Dad and Sharon and how weird things have been at home. I even told her about bringing my purple ribbon to school and how ashamed it made me feel – how I’d promised myself I’d give it up by the end of term but that since Nan died I needed it more than ever.
I hadn’t planned it, I didn’t stop to think, I just let it all pour out. It was such a relief – like when you take your bag off after lugging it around all day and realize how much it was weighing you down. She didn’t say much, she just let me talk. When I finally ran out of words, she said she appreciated me sharing so much with her – that it must be difficult to get on with normal everyday life when I’d been through such a difficult time and when things were so unsettled at home.
Gemma was waiting for me outside. “How was it?” she said. “Are you okay?”
I nodded, smiling. “I think so. Better than I was yesterday and first thing this morning.”
“You’re so lucky you’ve got someone to talk to; someone who can help you…” I was about to ask her what she meant but she rushed on. “Nathan’s back, by the way! He walked straight past my locker this morning. I thought he was going to say hi, he sort of opened his mouth like this, but it turned out he was just yawning. Anyway, I cannot wait for rounders on Wednesday, even if it is nearly a whole week away. Hey, what are you doing on Saturday?”
I shook my head, struggling to keep up.
“Well I was wondering if you wanted to come into town with me. I could show you where I got my hair cut and then we could go into Boots and try on loads of make-up. Come on, Maddie, please say yes, it’ll be so much fun.”
I started to say no, but it somehow came out as yes. I didn’t want to push her away any more, not when she’d been such a good friend. Maybe if we spent some proper time together, out of school, she’d open up about her own problems. I felt a little flutter of fear in my tummy, like being at home and sitting in the cemetery were my only safe places, but I said yes again, even louder, determined not to back out or let her down.
Kieran was already there when we got to class. He was sitting at the back with his stones out on his desk, his hair flopping down over his face. I looked round at one point and caught him staring at me. Not in the mocking way he used to, it was more intense, as if he was trying to communicate something with his eyes.
“Why does he keep doing that?” said Gemma. “Staring at you in that freaky way? I thought it was just to wind you up, but maybe he fancies you…”
I swivelled back round, my face on fire. “Don’t be stupid. Of course he doesn’t fancy me, and he’s not staring, he just happens to be looking in my general direction.”
Gemma laughed. “Are you sure about that, Maddie?”
I laughed along with her, but I wasn’t sure about anything to do with Kieran any more.
Gemma and I met at the bus stop at eleven on Saturday. She looked amazing. She’d blow-dried her hair and she was wearing skinny jeans with a short cropped T-shirt and purple high-tops. I could hardly remember what she looked like before. She’d changed so much in the past few weeks – her clothes and haircut and fancying Nathan.
It was really busy in town, especially on the High Street. We tried out loads of make-up in Boots and all their tester perfumes, spraying our wrists so many times we started to get funny looks from the girl behind the counter. Gemma talked me into buying a shimmery blue eyeshadow and she bought a lipgloss for herself, and then we wandered up to a new cafe at the top of the High Street for lunch.
It was brilliant hanging out together. Gemma might look different on the outside but she was still the same old Gemma on the inside. I forgot all about how nervous I’d been. I had my ribbon with me, stuffed at the bottom of my bag, but I didn’t feel like getting it out or touching it or anything – it was enough to know it was there, just in case.
“My arm smells rank,” said Gemma, sticking her wrist under my nose as we made our way up the road. “It’s like a mix between rotten roses and industrial-strength fly killer. Imagine if we bumped into Nathan, right this minute, he’d probably pass out.”
“What are you talking about? That’s him coming straight towards us, isn’t it?”
“Very funny,” she said. “I’d know if he was here. I’d be able to sense it.”
“What like a Nathan-o-Meter? What happens? Do you start vibrating all over? Or does an alarm go off, like bells ringing or something?”
She pushed me away, laughing. “Just wait until it happens to you, wait until you like someone, until you hear bells ringing. Then you’ll know what I mean!”
The new cafe was so popular people were queuing outside. We stood with our faces pressed against the window.
“Their cakes are supposed to be amazing,” said Gemma, practically drooling. “My mum said we should definitely eat here. She’s been a few times, but I don’t think we’ll ever get a table.”
“Do you think it’s worth waiting?”
“Probably not,” she said, turning to go. “Come on, I’m starving.”
I was just about to follow her when something stopped me. I’m not even sure what it was, but I pressed my face back against the window, scanning the room.
Gemma pulled my arm. “Come on, Mads, it doesn’t matter, we can get a burger or something…”
“Wait a second.” I scanned the room one last time and that’s when I saw him, sitting with a woman. A woman with a scarf wrapped around her head, a blue silk scarf; her face so close to his it was almost touching. My whole body froze – fingers of ic
e creeping from my head down to my toes. It was Dad. And he was sitting with the woman from the cemetery.
Chapter 16
“Maddie! What’s the matter? Come on!” Gemma pulled at my arm again but I couldn’t move. There was someone else coming towards the table. A girl, older than me. Long brown hair swept up in a ponytail. I thought I recognized her for a moment, but I wasn’t sure. She stopped behind the woman, leaning down to give her a hug.
“Maddie! What’s wrong? You’re scaring me!”
I dragged my eyes away, blinking as if I’d just come out of a deep sleep.
“Sorry, Gemma, it’s just that my dad’s in the cafe.” My voice was shaky. It sounded weird.
“Oh right, do you want to go in and say hi?”
I shook my head.
“You look really pale. Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine. Come on, let’s go.”
I was scared Dad might look round. I didn’t want him to know I’d seen them. What was he doing in a cafe with the woman from the cemetery? The woman I’d been desperate to meet all these weeks. Could she actually be Sharon? And then another thought struck me. Is that why she left the note saying “sorry” on Nan’s grave? Because she was taking Dad away from his family? And who was the girl?
I couldn’t take it all in. There was so much I didn’t understand.
“Do you mind if we go home?” I said.
I didn’t want to ruin the day for Gemma, but I was terrified that if we hung around we’d bump into them when they came out. I took off for the bus stop without really waiting for an answer, dragging Gemma along behind me in a frantic effort to get away.
I couldn’t relax properly until we were on the bus, and even then it was difficult to get the images out of my head – Dad and that woman in the cafe – the way they were looking at each other, their faces so close. I’d been dying to know who she was for so long, but now I wasn’t sure what to think…
“I really wish you’d tell me why you ran off like that,” said Gemma, breaking in to my thoughts. “Why didn’t you want to say hi to your dad? You’re freaking me out, to be honest…”
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