I promised Mum and Mrs Palmer that I’d never leave school again. That if I was worried about anything I’d make sure I told someone. Mrs Palmer said she wanted me to understand that no one was angry and that my safety was all that mattered. Finally we were in the car and driving away. I pressed my face against the window as we drove past the cemetery but there was no sign of Kieran, or his dad.
As soon as we got in I rushed upstairs to find my ribbon. It was still tucked under my pillow from last night. I must’ve forgotten to put it in my bag before we left for school. I sank down onto my bed, holding it up to my face, breathing it in, going over everything that had happened since I saw the girl standing by my locker: running out of school, Kieran’s dad in the cemetery, climbing up to the top of the heath…
“Come on, Maddie.” Mum popped her head round the door. “I’ve got the kettle on. We need to talk.”
I trailed downstairs, working out what I could say, how I could make Mum understand. She gave me a small smile as I came into the kitchen. It was difficult to know if she was still cross, or just worried.
“I dropped Charlie round at Rory’s after the clinic,” she said, nodding for me to sit down next to her at the table. “I wasn’t sure how long we’d be up at school and, anyway, I wanted the chance to talk to you alone.” She paused to take a sip of her tea. “Look, I know I’ve said this before, Maddie, but I’m worried about how much time you’re spending at the cemetery…”
“It’s not really about the cemetery,” I said, frustrated. “I just get this feeling sometimes, a sort of frightened, out-of-control feeling like I can’t cope. Something happened at school and I got upset and then I got in a panic because I couldn’t find my ribbon…” The words were out before I could stop them.
“Your ribbon?” Mum frowned. “What do you mean? Since when have you been taking your ribbon to school?”
I shrivelled under her gaze. Why did I always feel like I was letting her down? “I don’t. I didn’t, not until…um…not until the other week.”
“But why, Maddie? What happened? I thought you were getting better. I thought the sessions with Vivian were helping: joining the rounders club, Gemma coming over…” She trailed off, pinching the bridge of her nose.
She didn’t get it. She just didn’t understand. What about the phone call to Aunty Hat? I felt like screaming. What about Dad and Sharon? The sessions with Vivian had started to help. I had begun to open up and talk about my feelings – but how on earth did Mum expect me to get better with all this other stuff going on at home?
“At least I can talk to Vivian!” I said, pushing my chair back from the table and standing up. “At least she actually listens to me, just like Nan used to listen to me. You’re so worried about Charlie all the time – Charlie’s check-up and Charlie growing and Charlie getting on the football team…” Tears welled up but I batted them away. “I mean, I get it. I get that he needs extra care and stuff, but what about me? What about what I need? You don’t even know I exist half the time!”
Mum looked as if I’d slapped her. She opened her mouth and closed it again. “Maddie, I’m…I don’t… I didn’t realize…”
“Just forget it,” I said, too angry and upset to listen to her excuses. “I don’t want to talk about it any more.”
Mum stood up too and reached out to me, pulling me into her arms for a hug. “You’re right, Maddie,” she said. “Seriously, I feel terrible. I’ve really let you down. I’m so used to worrying about Charlie; sometimes I forget just how much you need me too.”
I thought I was hearing things for a moment. It was the first time she’d ever said anything like that. The words wrapped themselves round me like a warm blanket.
“I’ll make it up to you, Mads,” she went on. “I know things haven’t been easy for you since your nan died but I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”
We stayed at the table for a while after that, just drinking tea and chatting about school and rounders club and how I was getting on with Vivian. I knew I should ask her about the woman in the cafe, force her to tell me the truth, but it was so nice to spend some proper time together, with Mum focused on me for a change rather than Charlie, I couldn’t bring myself to spoil the moment.
Rory’s mum dropped Charlie home a bit later. He told me all his news over dinner. He’d managed to grow two centimetres since his last check-up and, even more exciting than that, Mr Maddox had decided to hold new football trials for the last few games of the season. When Dad arrived home from work Charlie leaped up to meet him at the front door, dragging him straight into the garden to practise.
“This is my big chance!” he said as they disappeared outside. “I’m determined to get picked this time, to show Mr Maddox what I can do! To prove to him that I’m as good as the others…”
Mum glanced across the table at me, rolling her eyes. “If only all our problems were as easy to solve, eh, Maddie?”
I was dreading school the next morning, petrified I might see the girl again. A part of me was desperate to know who she was, but every time I imagined coming face-to-face with her my legs turned to jelly. It was a nightmare getting to class. I waited for the corridors to clear just to be sure I wouldn’t bump into her.
I got to English a few minutes late. Miss Owen gave me a look but she didn’t say anything. Kieran was sitting at the back with his stones out, his hair hanging down over his eyes. It was strange to see him after yesterday. I had no idea how things would be between us, if he’d pretend it never happened. It didn’t even feel real any more – more like something I’d dreamed up.
The rest of the class had their copies of Holes open on their desks. We were up to the part where Stanley and Zero run away from Camp Green Lake. The conditions are gruelling and at one point Stanley has to carry Zero up the side of the mountain when he becomes too weak to walk. We read the chapter out loud and then Miss Owen asked us to think about what lengths we would go to for a friend.
“I know it’s not the same as Stanley and Zero,” whispered Gemma, “but I swear I’ll help you find out what’s going on with your dad, why he was in the cafe with that girl…”
I gave her a shaky smile to show how much it meant to me.
“Do you think you’d recognize her if you saw her again?”
I nodded. “Definitely. But there are over 1,500 pupils at Church Vale and we don’t even know which year she’s in…”
“Girls, I hope you’re talking about the book,” said Miss Owen. “What lengths would you go to for a friend, Maddie? You’ve obviously got lots to say on the subject…”
I couldn’t believe she was asking me; I had no idea what to say. The bird began to flap its wings again. It was like an automatic response. I opened my mouth but the words were stuck in my throat, blocking it up, making it difficult to breathe. Everyone was staring at me, waiting. I thought I’d been getting better but it was just as bad as before. I glanced at the door, desperate to run out.
“Well I’ll tell you what lengths I’d go to for a friend,” said Kieran suddenly, in his loudest, most obnoxious voice. Miss Owen swung round, frowning. “I’d go about thirty-three centimetres, or if I was feeling particularly energetic I might go thirty-four or even thirty-five. Would that be far enough?”
The entire class cracked up laughing.
“Thank you, Mr Black, that was extremely unhelpful,” said Miss Owen, her voice like ice. “Stay behind after class to talk to me and if anyone else wants to join him they’d be most welcome. Now read up to page 181 in silence.”
There were a few more snorts and sniggers and then, slowly, heads went down. Kieran had saved me. He’d called out on purpose to distract Miss Owen.
“What an idiot,” hissed Gemma.
But as soon as it was safe I twisted round to the back and mouthed thank you, my cheeks flaming. His eyes met mine, a hint of a smile crossing his face. I couldn’t believe he’d done that for me. He’d probably get a detention or worse.
I had no idea what happened wi
th Miss Owen at the end of the lesson but he didn’t show up for any of his classes that afternoon. I could guess where he was – sitting up at the top of the heath thinking about his mum. I was tempted to disappear too – run out of school and never come back. But deep down inside I knew I couldn’t run away for ever.
Chapter 20
I didn’t see Kieran again until the next day, after school at rounders club. It’s not that he was there exactly; I just spotted him walking past while our team was waiting to bat. He stopped at the end of the field, right by the sycamore trees, his hands thrust deep into his pockets.
“Your boyfriend’s come to watch,” teased Gemma. “I hope you’re going to score a rounder for him.”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I said, turning crimson. “I don’t know why you keep saying that!”
“Well what’s he doing here then? I mean he hasn’t been to any classes today and then he turns up to watch rounders. Seriously, he’s so weird.”
“He’s not weird! You just don’t know him. And anyway, what about your boyfriend?”
Nathan was back and Gemma was determined to show him how good she was. She’d been going on about it all day, trying to remember Charlie’s tips. I was desperate for her to hit the ball, even if it didn’t go very far. She was convinced it was the only way she was going to get him to notice her.
“Don’t forget to start moving your arm back before the ball leaves the bowler’s hand,” I said, as she got up to bat. “And make sure you keep your eye on the ball as it’s coming towards you…”
“That’s if I can see it,” she said, leaning back down and slipping her glasses into my hand.
“Gemma!”
“Shhhh!” She put her finger up to her lips. “Don’t put me off, Maddie! I’m trying to concentrate.”
The ball flew straight past her before she could even focus, let alone move her arm. The backstop flung it towards first base and she was out.
“What do you mean, out?” she said, looking over at Nathan. “That’s not fair, I wasn’t ready!”
“You have to run, Gemma,” he said, rolling his eyes. “You can’t just stand there even if you miss.”
It was my turn next. I glanced across the field as I got up. Kieran was still there, standing right in front of the sycamore trees at the far end of the field. The exact same place I’d seen Nan. I had no idea if she’d be there again, but I couldn’t help worrying that he was in her way, blocking her view – that I wouldn’t be able to hit the ball if she couldn’t see me.
“Come on, Maddie,” said Nathan. “We desperately need a rounder here.”
I tried to pretend Kieran wasn’t there, focusing on the ball as it came speeding towards me. So what if he was watching, it’s not as if it was against the law or anything. And who said he was there because of me anyway? He was probably just hanging around at school to avoid going home to his dad.
There was a deafening crack as the ball made contact with the bat.
“Run, Maddie, run!” yelled Nathan – and the rest of the team began to chant, “Mad-die! Mad-die!”
I raced from first, to second and then straight to third. I was moments away from scoring my first rounder. My lungs were bursting – I’d never run so fast in my life. One of the fielders flung the ball towards Chloe on fourth base, but it was too late. She fumbled the catch and I slid into the base before she could do anything about it.
There was a huge cheer as I made my way back to my team, out of breath and grinning. Gemma was going mad – jumping up and down, her arms pumping the air. “You did it, Maddie! You actually got a rounder! I’m so, so jealous!”
I glanced across the field to see if Kieran was still there, to see if he’d watched me score, but it was as if he’d disappeared into thin air.
Our team went on to win by one rounder. The final score was 7–6. Mr Skinner actually came over to congratulate me. He said I had fantastic hand-eye coordination or something, and that he hoped I’d sign up for the school rounders team next year.
“You basically won the match for us,” said Gemma. “I just don’t get how you can hit it so far – you’re like one of the smallest on the team…”
I was still grinning as we walked out of school. I might be one of the smallest but right at that moment I felt as if I could achieve anything. I’d never dreamed I’d be good enough for the school team, let alone be asked to join, and I’d done it all by myself, without any help from Nan.
I was about to ask Gemma if she wanted to come over for another practice in the garden when I noticed Dad’s van parked just outside the main gates. My tummy flipped over. I’d managed to avoid him at home over the past couple of days – pretty much since spotting him in the cafe – torn between wanting to know what was going on and being scared of the truth. But there was no escaping him now.
“Let’s go,” I said without thinking. “It’s my dad again but I really don’t want to talk to him.” I grabbed Gemma’s arm and we walked straight past. I heard the door open but I didn’t stop.
“Maddie!” he called. “Hang on!”
“What are you going to do?” hissed Gemma, rushing to keep up. “Do you want to go back?”
My eyes welled up but I was determined not to cry. “No, it’s okay. Just keep walking.”
“But maybe you should talk to him?”
The van restarted and Dad cruised past us, pulling in just ahead. He got out and stood on the pavement, his arms folded across his chest. I thought about crossing the road but I couldn’t bear to see the hurt on his face.
“I think I should go,” said Gemma. “Text me later.”
She gave me a quick hug and hurried on past Dad’s van and down the road.
“What’s the matter?” said Dad as soon as she was out of earshot. “Why didn’t you stop?”
I stood rooted to the spot.
“Come on, Maddie, please. We need to talk.”
I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t face hearing the truth.
“Please, Maddie; I’ve left work specially…”
I opened my mouth, struggling to find the right words, to explain how frightened and confused I was, to make him understand how much I needed him, how scared I was that he didn’t want to be part of our family any more, that everything was changing again.
“Do you still love me?” was all I managed in the end.
It sounded so pathetic, like I was three years old or something.
Dad’s face sagged. “Of course I still love you. How can you even ask?”
He held out his arms and walked towards me, wrapping me up in the tightest hug. We stood like that for what seemed an age. I could feel the tension seeping out of my body. It felt so warm and safe. I wished I could stay there for ever.
“There’s something I need to tell you, Maddie,” he said into my hair. “Something really important…”
“Okay,” I said, closing my eyes, steeling myself for the truth, determined not to wimp out this time. But before he could say anything else his phone started to ring.
“I’m sorry, love, it must be work,” he said, stepping back from me slightly. “Hang on a sec, I’ll switch it off.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket, frowning at the screen. I stepped back a bit further, watching his face carefully. “I’m sorry,” he said again, “but I’ve got to get this.” He turned away, cupping his hand over his mouth so I couldn’t hear, but I didn’t hang around to listen anyway. It was Sharon. It had to be.
I took off down the road as fast as I could. Why did he have to answer? Why couldn’t he let it ring? What was the point of being brave and facing up to things if he was going to put Sharon first? I heard him call out and then the van starting up, but I cut through the cemetery so he couldn’t follow. I didn’t stop running until I reached my bench, collapsing down out of breath, fighting back tears.
There was a funeral at the far end of the cemetery and the mourners were huddled together, clutching tissues and holding onto each other for support.
I felt like crying along with them. I sat and watched as the vicar said a short prayer before the coffin was lowered into the ground.
As the crowd began to clear, I noticed Kieran. He was standing behind them, watching the funeral from the other side. I raised my hand to wave at him and he trailed over, dodging the mourners as they made their way out of the cemetery.
“What are you doing here?” I said as he reached the bench.
“Same as you, probably. Hiding.”
I stared up at him, surprised. How did he know? Was it that obvious, or had he seen me run in?
“Is it your dad?” I said. “Is he drunk again?”
He didn’t speak straight away. He was staring at the one or two people who’d hung back by the new grave. “It’s the anniversary of my mum’s death,” he said when they’d turned to go. “She died two years ago today.” He paused as if he was searching for the right words. “My dad’s not coping too well, if you get what I mean.”
I nodded, not sure what to say. There didn’t seem to be anything that could make it better.
“How about you?” I said in the end. “Are you coping?”
His face crumpled suddenly and he looked away.
“I’m coping better than he is,” he said, his voice thick. “Thanks for asking.”
We sat in the cemetery for ages. I told Kieran about Dad and Sharon and the girl from school, and how I’d seen them all in the cafe on Saturday. “I’m pretty sure my dad and Sharon are together. I think he was about to tell me just now, but then his phone rang and I just took off…”
Kieran sighed. “Why do grown-ups always make everything so complicated?” he said. He sounded about a hundred years old.
We chatted a bit more and then Mum rang to say she wanted me home.
“Great rounder by the way,” said Kieran as I got up to leave.
I wondered what he meant for a minute; I’d forgotten all about it. “Oh that. You didn’t even see…”
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