“But I don’t want a new sister,” I whispered. “I just want my dad back. I don’t even know if he loves me any more.”
“Maddie Wilkins! Your father adores you. He’d do anything for you and Charlie. You’re his life. I know it’s scary – probably the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you. And I know you won’t believe me, not for a while anyway, but remember what your nan always used to say, how sometimes the scariest things turn out to be the best.”
I turned to face the wall, gathering my ribbon into my hand. Nan did used to say that. I remember her saying it the night before I started Church Vale. I was struggling to get to sleep, worried about making new friends and fitting in. Scared I’d get lost on my way to class, or have no one to eat my lunch with.
But coping with your first day at secondary school isn’t really the same as finding out your dad’s got a brand-new daughter.
Chapter 24
I told Gemma about Jasmine as soon as I got to school the next morning. It felt strange saying it out loud, like admitting to myself that it was really true. I so wanted her to say, Oh no, that’s awful, what are you going to do? I was desperate for her to understand how I was feeling, but she grabbed my arm, pulling me round to face her, her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.
“Your sister?” she breathed. “No way! That’s incredible, Maddie. It’s just…oh my god…your sister…you are so lucky!”
“Lucky!” I said, pulling my arm away. “What are you talking about? There’s nothing lucky about it!”
She shrank back, as if I’d hit her. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to say the wrong thing…I’ve just always wanted a sister…you know I have…and, well, Jasmine’s so nice…”
“No she’s not! You don’t even know her… just because she goes to maths club!”
“I know, I know, I just meant—”
“It doesn’t matter,” I snapped, cutting her off. “I’ve got to go anyway. I need to find out if Kieran’s okay.”
I rushed off down the corridor before she could say anything else. I felt awful, especially since she’d told me about her mum being pregnant and losing the baby, but how would she like it if her dad suddenly announced that he had a new daughter? I bet she wouldn’t be so keen, even if it was someone as nice as Jasmine was supposed to be.
I couldn’t stop thinking about Jasmine and Dad together. They were probably growing closer every day, hanging out, bonding, making up for lost time. I felt pushed out, as if I’d been replaced. Jasmine was new and exciting. How was I supposed to compete with that?
I got to the Blue Room just before registration. I wasn’t even sure if Vivian would be there, but it had to be worth a try. I was only planning to ask her about Kieran, but standing there, knocking on the door, I was suddenly desperate to tell her everything. About the hospital, and seeing Jasmine there, and finding out. At least she’d understand how frightened I was feeling.
“Maddie?”
I swung round. It was Mrs Palmer, striding up the corridor towards me.
“Is everything okay? Vivian isn’t due in until eleven today. You’d better hurry to registration or you’ll be late.”
There was still no sign of Kieran when I got to class and he didn’t show up for any morning lessons. I just needed to see him, to make sure he was okay. I tried to remember the way his face changed when I’d challenged him to join rounders club. The way it lit up suddenly. It was hard to believe it was only two days ago, so much had happened since then.
Gemma went out of her way to avoid me, sitting as far away from me as she could in class. I tried to say sorry for snapping but she kept rushing off, sweeping straight past me as if we were strangers. Going from class to class by myself was a nightmare – I was terrified I might bump into Jasmine, even more so than before. I seriously had no idea what I’d do if we came face-to-face.
I managed to survive until lunch, hurrying down corridors, keeping my head down, doing my best to blend in with the crowd, and then just when I was least expecting it, it happened. I’d gone back to the Blue Room to talk to Vivian – my hand was literally on the doorknob – when the door swung open and Jasmine walked out.
“Maddie!”
I stumbled back, a million thoughts flooding my head. What was she doing in the Blue Room? Why was she with Vivian? Did that mean Vivian knew about us being sisters? Had she been hiding it from me? Keeping secrets like everyone else?
Jasmine reached her arm out to steady me. “Are you okay? I didn’t mean to startle you.”
I just stood there staring at her.
“Please, Maddie, say something.”
I didn’t know what to do. My brain was screaming at me to run but my legs had turned to jelly. Seeing her close up again was even more shocking than yesterday at the hospital. She was so tall and pretty, so like Dad. I pushed past her into the Blue Room. Vivian was standing just inside the door and I could see from her face that none of this was a surprise. She must’ve known all along.
“I’m going to talk to Maddie now,” she said to Jasmine. “I’ll see you next time, okay?” She closed the door gently and turned to face me. “Why don’t you come and sit down? Would you like a glass of water?”
I shook my head, sinking down into the nearest chair. “How long have you known? Has it been some big joke? Have you all been laughing at me behind my back?”
Vivian sat down opposite me, leaning forward. “I’ve been seeing Jasmine for a number of weeks, helping her settle into school and to cope with her mum’s illness, but I only realized she was related to you yesterday when we spoke. Jasmine had mentioned that she had a new sister, but it was only at that point that I put two and two together.”
“How do I know you’re telling me the truth?” I said, not quite able to meet her eye. “Everyone’s been keeping secrets – my mum and dad, Sharon, Jasmine. How do I know you’ve only just found out?”
“You’ll have to trust me, Maddie. I can’t talk to you about my sessions with Jasmine, it wouldn’t be right, but if I’d known you were related to each other before yesterday I would’ve stopped my sessions with both of you immediately. There would’ve been a conflict of interests. Do you know what that means?”
I shrugged, desperately wanting to believe her, but at the same time certain she was lying.
“Basically it means that from a professional point of view, it wouldn’t have been right for me to carry on my sessions with you or Jasmine.” She paused for a moment. “And I certainly won’t be able to now. Not unless you agree to see me together.”
My head snapped up. “What do you mean, together?”
“Well, I think you and Jasmine are both going to need some help coming to terms with what’s happened, the fact that you’re related, that you’ve been unexpectedly thrown together, but the only way I can see either of you again is if you agree to have a joint session.”
“No way!” I said, wrapping my arms around my body. “I’m not sitting in here with her. I don’t believe this! She’s taken my dad away from me, and now she’s taking you away from me as well!”
“No one’s taking your dad away from you, Maddie,” she said gently. “How do you think he might be feeling, finding out about Jasmine after so many years? This is an extremely difficult situation for all of you…”
“I thought you’d understand,” I said, trying not to cry. “I thought out of everyone, you’d realize how frightened I am.”
She reached across the table for my hand but I shrank back. “I do understand, Maddie. Of course you’re frightened. When you first came to see me you were struggling to come to terms with losing your nan and now everything’s changing again. But Jasmine’s facing lots of changes as well, and I honestly think you could help each other.”
My tummy clenched up. I knew she was right, that Jasmine was going through a terrible ordeal, much worse than anything I’d been through, but I couldn’t help how I was feeling.
“It’s not the same,” I said lamely. “I wouldn’t even know how to help
her.”
Vivian nodded. “No, of course it’s not the same,” she said, “that’s not what I meant. Just that you’re both dealing with difficult feelings and you’re both frightened.” She paused for a moment, reaching in her bag for her diary. “I’m going to ask Jasmine to come here on Monday at nine. I’ll set aside an hour and ask Mrs Palmer to excuse you from your first class. I really hope you’ll come too, Maddie.”
“I won’t,” I muttered. “I don’t want to, and I won’t change my mind.”
I got up from the table and trailed over to the door. Why couldn’t I carry on my normal sessions with Kieran and Sally-Ann? I didn’t want to come to some special session with Jasmine. I didn’t want to do things differently.
“Just think about it,” said Vivian as I was leaving. “Oh and Maddie, I thought you might like to know. Kieran’s gone to stay with his aunt and uncle for a while, but we’re hoping he’ll be back at school on Monday.”
I rushed off, relieved that Kieran was okay, but too upset about everything else to ask Vivian what had actually happened to him. I avoided the cafeteria and spent the rest of the lunch hour in the library. I didn’t feel like eating anyway. I hid away at the back pretending to read, thinking about Jasmine and Vivian and meeting up together, wondering how things had gone so wrong. How I’d managed to lose everything.
The more I thought about it the smaller I felt, as if I’d let everyone down: Mum and Dad and Vivian and Gemma. Even Jasmine and Sharon.
Gemma went out of her way to avoid me all afternoon. I was dying to talk to her, to tell her how sorry I was for snapping. I tried catching her eye a few times during the afternoon but it was obvious she didn’t want to speak to me. I couldn’t believe I’d been so insensitive. Of course she thought I was lucky to have a sister after what happened with her mum and the baby.
It was unbearably hot as I made my way down Banner Road at the end of the day, the sort of weather that drags you down. My shirt was stuck to my back and my bag felt too heavy. I trailed through the cemetery, stopping by Nan’s grave. I couldn’t face going home to an empty house. I couldn’t face anything.
I tried to imagine what Nan would think about Dad having another daughter – what advice she might give me. Jasmine was her granddaughter too, but she’d never know that now. Maybe that was why Sharon left a note saying sorry. Sorry for keeping Jasmine away from her family for so many years. And then something else came into my head. I’d had my nan for nearly thirteen years, my whole life, ever since the day I was born. Jasmine had never had her at all.
The cemetery was almost empty, just two old ladies laying some flowers on a grave on the other side of the path. There was no sign of Kieran, but I was relieved he was okay and away from his dad. I couldn’t wait to see him at school on Monday. Even though the nurse and Vivian had both said he was fine, I still needed to see him with my own eyes to believe it.
I picked up a small stone to place on his mum’s grave, rubbing the dirt off until it was smooth and clean. As I got closer I could see there were some stones on there already, scattered across the grave. It was only when I kneeled down to place mine among them that I realized they were arranged in a particular way, to spell something. It was difficult to make out at first, especially close-up. I leaned back, my heart beginning to dance in my chest as the letters jumped out at me. Kieran had used lots of small stones to write:
Chapter 25
I sprang up and looked around; scared Kieran might be watching me. Was he really at his aunt’s like Vivian said? Or was he crouching down somewhere in the cemetery, waiting to see how I’d react? Gemma was always saying Kieran liked me, but surely this must be a joke. Or was that why he kept staring at me all the time? Why he’d hung around to watch me play rounders that day?
And then suddenly it hit me. The message was on his mum’s gravestone. The M didn’t stand for Maddie, it stood for Mum. I started to burn up, my cheeks red-hot. I felt so stupid for even thinking he’d left the message for me, that the M was for Maddie. He’d probably arranged the stones like that on the anniversary of the accident, a couple of days ago, just after he told me about his dad.
I ran out of the cemetery and all the way home, as if I could leave my embarrassment behind me. How could I be such an idiot? Just because I’d been thinking about Kieran non-stop since then, that didn’t mean he’d given me a second thought. I ran faster and faster, desperate to get away, but it was still there, stuck inside my head – Kieran, the stones, the message, the whole stupid thing.
Mum and Charlie were in the lounge talking when I got back. The first thing I heard as I came through the front door was Jasmine’s name. I hovered outside, listening, so churned up over everything and out of breath I could hardly think straight. Charlie was asking Mum what she was like. Asking her if she thought Jasmine was happy to have a new brother and when he could meet her – how he couldn’t wait to tell her he’d been picked for the football team.
I stumbled back as if I’d been struck by a train. Charlie in the football team? And the first person he wanted to tell was Jasmine! She was going to take him away from me as well – my little brother who I’d looked after since the day he was born. He thought we were all going to play happy families. She’d be his new big sister. He didn’t seem to have a clue that Jasmine was going to ruin everything, that our family would never be the same again.
I could still hear them talking but it was coming from far away, as if I’d left my body and floated up to the ceiling. I tried to calm down, to take a proper breath, but I couldn’t do it, not without my ribbon. I raced upstairs to my room, reaching under my pillow, but it wasn’t there. It was in my school bag. It had to be. I tore back downstairs, grabbed my bag and turned it upside down, spilling everything out on the floor – but I couldn’t see it.
Mum came rushing out of the lounge. “What’s going on?” she said, her face creased up with worry. “What’s the matter?”
“I need my ribbon,” I gasped. “I can’t breathe. Where is it? I can’t find it. I need it now!”
My skin was prickling all over like pins and needles but a million times worse. I lurched into the kitchen and started to open drawers, pulling things out, my breath coming faster and faster until the room began to spin.
“Stop it, Maddie! Calm down!” Mum came up behind me and tried to take hold of my arms but I pushed her off and ran back upstairs. There had to be an old bit of ribbon in my room somewhere, under the bed or at the back of my wardrobe. I was sure I’d seen one stuffed in there a few weeks ago when I was looking for my trainers…
Mum chased after me, catching me up as I flung the door open. “Stop it!” she said again, but louder. She grabbed hold of my arms, twisting me round to face her. “You don’t need your ribbon. You just need to calm down. Look into my eyes, Maddie. Come on, breathe with me.” She took a deep breath in through her nose.
I tried to focus on what she was saying. I forced myself to look at her and somehow managed to take a ragged breath. “Now breathe out,” she said, blowing out of her mouth, and then she breathed in again. I breathed with her. In, out, in, out. My heart slowed down. The room stopped spinning. I collapsed against her, hot tears running down my face.
She held me tight, stroking my hair, whispering in my ear. “You’re all right, Maddie. You just had a bit of a panic, that’s all. I understand, sweetheart, it’s a lot to get used to.”
“What’s the matter with me?” I sobbed. “Why can’t I cope? Why do I need my stupid ribbon? Why can’t I just be normal like everyone else?”
“You are normal; you’re completely normal, you’ve just had a shock. It would be difficult for anyone to deal with what you’re going through right now, but I’m here for you, Maddie, I’m going to look after you. You don’t need a piece of ribbon to keep you safe any more.”
She led me over to my bed and sat me down. I had no energy left to speak or even think, I just wanted to go to sleep. I crawled under my sheet and curled up in a ball. “I love you, Mum,�
� I whispered as my eyes began to close. “I love you so, so much.”
I slept all the way through until the morning, waking up groggy and confused. I glanced at my clock, blinking in surprise. It was half past nine. The longest sleep I’d had in months. The panic must’ve exhausted me. I lay in bed going over everything that had happened: fighting with Gemma, seeing the stones in the cemetery, overhearing Charlie talk about Jasmine, trying to find my ribbon. I curled up again, feeling wretched, wishing I was still asleep.
Mum knocked on my door just after ten and came in with orange juice and toast.
“Morning, sleepyhead,” she said. “Nice to see you back in the world of the living!” She sat on my bed, holding out the juice while I pulled myself upright.
“Is Dad here?”
“Yep, he’s downstairs making lunch. We’re having a roast, one of his specials…”
“I suppose he’ll be going off to see Jasmine later?” I said. I knew I sounded like a baby, I could almost taste the bitterness in my voice, but I couldn’t help it.
“No, he’s not seeing Jasmine today,” said Mum. “She’s up at the hospital. But they have had some better news. Apparently Sharon’s responded really well to the latest treatment.”
“I don’t even know what’s wrong with her,” I said. I thought about her headscarf, how thin she was. “Has she got cancer?”
Mum nodded. “Yes she’s got a rare type of leukaemia, cancer of the blood. She’s been very ill.”
I took a sip of drink, stalling. I didn’t know what to say. I felt like the meanest person in the world for making such a fuss about everything, but I still didn’t want Jasmine to be part of our family. Mum didn’t say anything either; she didn’t try to talk me round, but I could see from her face she was worried.
I stayed in my room all morning. Charlie came bursting in at one point. He wanted to tell me about getting picked for the team and talk about Jasmine, but I pulled my covers over my head and told him to leave me alone. He seemed to be so accepting of everything – Dad, Jasmine, our family changing – as if you could fix a family as easily as you could make a roast dinner.
Tangled Secrets Page 17