by Haley Monroe
Ugh, I hate this! In the car, I slam my fists against the steering wheel. Why did this have to happen? More tears burn at my eyes as I sit in my driveway, so mad at everything. At Jacob for leaving, at Samuel for being creepy and at Miranda for being right.
No. The back of my hand swipes angrily across my wet cheeks. I’m not going to let him win. He won’t make me feel these things. I inhale deeply and force out the storm of feelings swirling around in my gut. I focus on my grounding techniques, a tool used when you’re about to have a panic attack.
I look around and find four things I can see, three things I can hear, two things I can touch and then close my eyes and listen to my own breathing. Jacob loves me, Miranda cares for me and Samuel is just a creep. These are facts. Facts I can’t change but can accept. Only one of these facts makes me feel uncomfortable.
My eyes open and I’m connected to the present again. My mind isn’t spinning off with what if’s that don’t matter. My fingers aren’t shaking at all when I reach out for the radio dial and find my favorite ninety’s station that makes everything right in the world again. I wait until I back out of the driveway though before I roll down my windows.
Today is Jacob’s birthday and I’m going to surprise him with a wonderful gift that will knock his socks off.
The castle comes into view and it’s a sight for sore eyes. It’s like coming home after a week of hell and you have nothing planned, but relaxing in your own space with no outsiders to bother you. My eyes feel swollen from my crying and I hope my appearance doesn’t scare Steph.
It’s just after three p.m., I tried really hard to get here before one, but talking with the police just took too long and then having to replace the poor cake. We’ll still have plenty of time to plan things out, but all I can think about is Jacob’s luxurious shower.
Instead of parking in front of the fountain like I normally do, I pull the car around the side of the house and Steph waves to me from the open garage. I pull my trashy little beater car in line with Jacob’s expensive sports cars. When I haul myself out of the car, I’m surprised by Steph’s hug. Her arms are wrapped tight around me and I let myself melt into her hold.
“You looked like you needed a hug.” She speaks softly as her hands rub up and down my back. The human contact feels nice.
“I look that bad, huh?” I chuckle because it’s funny. When you know you look like shit and hope no one will notice, but they’d have to be blind not too.
“Um, yeah. Sorry.” She laughs too and leans back to look at me. Her hand cups my jaw and her eyes squint a little as if she’s trying to figure out what’s going on. “Are you having second thoughts? We don’t have to do this, I can find another way to play.”
“No, no, it’s not that.” My head shakes and I close my eyes. My hand lifts to pinch the bridge of my nose. “It’s been a rough day.”
“Let’s go inside, have a glass of wine and if you want, we can talk about it. If you don’t then we can talk about anything else. I’m really good at talking.” Her smile is so kind and I want to trust her. I want us to be friends and know that I can count on her, but I’m scared to take that chance.
“That sounds great, but honestly?” I give her a weak smile as I open the back door to remove the cake and supplies I bought. I place the first cake on the roof of my car, sad that it got ruined like it did. “I kind of just wanna go sit in the master shower with the steam all the way up and pretend I’m away at some fancy spa in Italy.”
“I could join you? With a glass of wine?” She claps her hands as she giggles.
“Sure, yeah. That sounds good.” I kick my car door shut and Steph picks up the ruined cake and throws her free arm around my shoulders. This is crazy, but all the weight that was hanging on my heart is being shaken off by this silly woman whose laughter makes me feel light.
We step into the kitchen and memories assault me. I feel Jacob everywhere in this room. He’s fixed me food in here, he’s fucked me in here. A smile sneaks over my lips as I place the cake on the kitchen island. “Come on, I wanna show you something before we go upstairs.” Steph takes my hand and pulls me down the hall to the foyer.
Steph has gone all out. Pink and white streamers ping-pong across the space above us and balloon bouquets fill every corner of the room. She spins me around in the center of the entrance and points to a giant banner that hangs from the staircase.
Happy Birthday Jacob
“Oh, Steph!” I gush. “It’s so beautiful! He’s going to love it.” I hug her tightly and together we bounce around in a circle.
“This is dumb,” Steph says as we stop. Her hands are on my shoulders and her pretty eyes stare into mine. “But I have to tell you. I’m so happy you are in Mr. Hoff’s life. He’s a good man who deserves a good woman and I can tell you are just the best.”
“I don’t know about that.” She blows a raspberry and rolls her eyes at me.
“You don’t have to believe me because Mr. Hoff’s knows it and I know it. I know I’m just his housekeeper and I don’t want this to make things weird after. I want us to be friends. I had a great time with you at Starbucks the other day.” She shrugs. “It won’t be weird right?”
“Not if we don’t let it.” I shrug. “Right?”
“Right.” She agrees with a smile. “Let’s go to the wine cellar and pull out a few bottles.” I bite into my lip at her suggestion. I wouldn’t want to select a wine Jacob would be upset about us opening and I don’t know anything about wine so I would have no idea if one was special or not. “Don’t worry, I know which stuff is good to open. God, your face is so readable.” Her laughter rings out again, tickling me and making me laugh.
“I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.”
Steph leads me down to the wine cellar. I expect it to be dark and dusty but it’s not at all. It’s a sleek little, climate controlled room with rows of wine, locked up behind walls of glass. “These are the no goes.” Steph points to the glass cases. “These however,” she picks up two bottles in one hand and another in the other, from a shelf that isn’t blocked off. “These are safe to open.”
“There are so many down here.” I try to read some of the labels but they are all in other languages.
“Yeah, that man of yours knows how to collect the good stuff. I’ve heard him call it an investment and it must be because he never drinks the stuff. If he drinks at all its whiskey and even then it’s very little.”
“He’s kind of great, right?” I swoon over talk of my man as we exit the cellar. Steph juggles the bottles and snatches two wine glasses from the kitchen, then lifts the end of one bottle towards the stairs.
“To the shower, my body is so sore and I’m looking forward to this spa date too. We can talk about him once we’re settled.” I feel my eyes get wide.
“Damn, he must have rubbed off on you ‘cause you just sounded so much like him just now.”
“Oh, God. Do you think that means I’ll be more of a Dom than a sub?” She looks horrified and again I can’t control my laughter.
“No, you can be whichever you want. Or both.”
“I’ve got a lot to learn.” She looks down at her feet as we climb the stairs. We walk slowly up the stairs, floor by floor, until we reach the Master suite. It looks exactly the same as it had the last time I was here.
I kick off my shoes as Steph pops the cork on the first bottle of wine. The sound echo’s loudly in the open bathroom. She pours two, very full glasses and leaves them on the vanity as she slips out of her shoes too. It’s not weird as we both strip out of our clothing, in fact it seems normal, comfortable.
Her body is slim, more toned than mine because of the manual labor she does for Jacob and I’m sure from time at the gym. Her boobs are smaller than mine and her nipples are more of a brownish color. She’s beautiful but that doesn’t make me feel insecure and I wonder when the hell that happened.
She turns on the steam and I follow behind her into the shower with our wine glasses in each hand. She fiddles
with the settings for a while until the entire glass box is filled with warm, steamy air. I pass her, her glass when she seems satisfied and together we sit on the bench seat. I lean against the cool tile and kick my legs up alongside hers.
My tummy rolls aren’t hidden by the steam as I sit in front of Steph and I don’t care. It’s been too long of a day and it isn’t even half over. I tip the glass to my lips and drink down the wine without trying to savor the flavor or figure out if it’s fruity or oaky. It’s dry, that’s all I know but that little fact won’t stop me from drinking more of it.
“Alright,” Steph starts, leaning back with her wine glass resting on her thigh. “Wanna talk about today or BDSM?”
“BDSM might be easier for me.” I answer honestly.
“Okay, how long have you been a sub?”
“Just a few years, not really all that long.”
“How did you find it?” She takes a sip from her glass and her gaze is so focused on my face. I can tell the topic really interests her and I think back to when I first discovered my sexuality.
“I dated a few guys in high school, lost my virginity at sixteen to some guy I thought I loved. It didn’t work out, obviously and I was dying to find love, acceptance I guess. My mom always made comments about me being overweight and how no one would ever love a fat girl. So I sought out anyone who would call me pretty. I’m not saying I was a whore but I started sleeping with anyone who wanted to get in my pants. It was mostly always the same. Lame sex that lasted five minutes tops and I felt even worse after. I was spiraling into a nasty dark hole. I stopped eating and worked out all the time, until I fainted.” I look down into my wine as I remember how much I hated myself then. “I was sick.” I force myself to look at Steph and say words I’ve never spoken out loud. “I’m still sick, it’s not as bad, Jacob has helped me a lot but,” I shrug and gulp down more wine. “It’s getting better. Anyway, I met this guy at the gym and he would tease me. All the time. We didn’t have sex for forever, but when we did, he was so controlled about it. He’d make me get on my knees and I found it easy to submit to his demands. It was like being free. If he was in control of what I was supposed to do, than I didn’t have to worry about doing something wrong. I asked him why being with him was so different and he was so smug about it. He thought he was the greatest gift to BDSM and the best Master in the world. He brought me to my first sex club and that’s where I met my best friend Miranda, she’s a little and saw the same thing in me.”
“It’s funny how one soul recognizes another, isn’t it? I feel that way with you, like we were connected from that first night you came over here and I lead you up to his office.” Steph says with a grin.
“It is. I was so overwhelmed with what I was about to do, but I think I felt it too. Anyway, I broke it off with that guy and played a little with Miranda and her Dom, Tom. They brought me to a different club, The Play House. It was nice but I wanted a Dom of my own. I tried dating sites, I tried playing with guys at the club while Tom was around for safety. No one clicked. Not until Miranda suggested I meet Jacob. I’m so, so thankful for her for that.”
“I wish I had someone to guide me like that.” Steph drains the wine from her glass and stands up. Her ass jiggles a little as she walks out of the shower and skips back in with the open bottle. She pours more wine into my glass first, then fills hers. One bottle down.
“I’m not sure I’ll be much help, but you could talk to Jacob about it. He’s a well of information and really knows what he’s talking about. You know, we only chatted through email for like the first few weeks of our relationship and then we started calling each other. It was two months of getting to know each other before we met in person.”
“It’s kind of romantic.” Steph smiles.
“It is, huh?” I giggle. The wine is starting to loosen up my body and my mind.
“Maybe I’ll ask him. I mean it can’t hurt, right?”
“Nope.” I lift my glass and lean forward to clink mine to hers. “To BDSM.”
“To BDSM.” Steph leans back with a heavy sigh. “Alright chick, time to spill it. What happened today?” My nose wrinkles and I shake my head.
“Why ruin this good thing we got going on in here?”
“Because, I want to make sure you’re okay before we start playing. I don’t know much about the lifestyle, but I know that honesty is everything, in anything.” I let my eyes close and drop my head back against the tiles that are how as warm as the water filling the air.
“I don’t even really know how to begin.” I hear her shuffling around, but keep my eyes closed and pull in a deep breath. “This guy, I guess he’s my new neighbor, I don’t even know. He asked me for a ride to town this morning and wouldn’t really take no for an answer, not that I would have been able to say no. I’m such a fucking pushover. He cornered me in the grocery store, he was trying to touch me and saying really fucked up things like he was watching me this morning while I was on the phone with Jacob and that he thought I wanted him.”
“Jesus,” Steph gasps and I open my eyes to find her hand covering her mouth.
“Yeah, I screamed. I don’t think I’ve ever screamed like that before, but I couldn’t get him off me, Steph. I tried. I pushed with all I had and he didn’t budge. He ran off and the police came to the store to talk to me. They don’t even know if the first name he gave me is his real one, I don’t feel safe at my house knowing he could still be around watching me. If the psycho would try to touch me in public like that, what would he do in private?”
“Mr. Hoff will let you stay here. Hell, he might make you, when you tell him.” My tummy twists and I drink down more wine.
“I don’t want to run away. I always run away.”
“It’s not running away, silly. It’s being safe.” Steph’s glass is empty again and mine is just about there too. She stands up and turns off the steam. She plops back down next to my legs and places her hand on my thigh. “It’s okay to let people take care of you, you know that don’t you?”
“I’m learning that, yeah.” I blink up at her and her face is so kind.
“We better get ready, hon. Mr. Hoff will be here soon.”
6
Steph is dressed in a pale white babydoll that parts under her small breasts, showcasing her flat tummy. A tiny trim of baby pink outlines her outfit and her hair is down, flowing beautiful. I’m dressed almost exactly the same, our babydoll’s are opposites. Where hers is white, mine is pink and where mine is pink, hers is white. Underneath our tops, we’re wearing small thongs that match each of our outfits.
“We’re like fucking twins.” Steph smirks at me and flicks her hair. “Mr. Hoff is gonna pee his pants.”
“I hope not, it’d put a damper on things if we had to clean him up before we could get started.” I chuckle through my nerves. I want him to be excited and turned on. Not shocked and angry.
“I know I agreed to this, but can we kind of talk it out a little?” Steph is wringing her hands together and I imagine she’s as nervous as I am or even more so than me. I mean, her job could be on line if this goes down the wrong way.
“Sure.” I pop the cork on the second bottle of wine and refill both our glasses.
“Like I said, I don’t really like men. I’m not really that comfortable touching Mr. Hoff. I’d rather keep my involvement based around you, is that okay?”
“Yes,” I exclaim then cough to cover up my blurted words. “I think that would be best.”
“Do you think you’ll be jealous?” She reads me so easily.
“I don’t know. I’ve never been in this place before, you know? Normally, I’m the one sharing someone else’s man, not sharing mine. I don’t think I will be, but it’s kind of a relief to hear you won’t be going gah gah for Jacob.”
“I just want the experience.” She reaches out for my elbow and squeezes. “Thank you for giving me the chance. I feel safe here in this house, I know Mr. Hoff would never do anything to hurt me and I just feel this crazy
connection to you, Hannah.” I wrap her in a hug and we sway side to side.
“Did we just become best friends?” I tease, recalling the line from that goofy movie about adult step children.
“I think we did.” She sniffles and I pull back quickly to look at her face.
“Tears?” I question.
“Happy ones. Thankful ones.” I wipe my hands across her cheeks to get rid of the tears.
“Well, shake ‘em off, buttercup. We got a threesome to get started.” We both burst out in laughter and hand in hand we head back downstairs.
There’s a formal sitting room off of the foyer and that’s where we plan to execute our little party. There are two snow white sofas and a small coffee table between them. A grandfather clock near the window strikes six o’clock and I look at Steph with wide eyes. “Time sure flies when you’re having fun.”
“He should be walking through the door, any minute now.” She bounces on her toes and looks out the window. “Oh my God, why am I so nervous?”
“More wine!” I dash out of the room, loving the feel of the wood floor against my bare feet and run up the stairs. I snatch our glasses and the last unopened bottle of wine. By the time I get back down to Steph, my heart is racing and I’m panting for breath. I pass her the bottle and she works the cork. I sit on my knees in the couch and start to feel squirmy inside. The nerves always make my arousal that much higher. “God, damn. I gotta work out more if running up and down those stairs make me this winded.”
“We could make use of the gym here at the house.” Step suggests. “Mr. Hoff is in it all the time when he’s home but he’s gone so often that we could really work up a sweat in there.”
“I think we’re fixen’ to work up a sweat now.” I joke in the most gaudy way that makes us both chuckle.
Steph sits next to me and hands me my glass. We each take a few sips while looking at each other in the eyes, the laughter between us falling to a silent tension. “Ready?” She asks in a husky whisper. I nod my head and we both lower our glasses to the coffee table.