by T. J. Klune
“He mentored me, yes,” Randall said, stroking his beard. “And because of him, I was able to pass the Trials without a cornerstone. I believed him. Until…”
“Until Myrin.” Gods.
He looked away.
“You’ll have to forgive me,” I said weakly. “Because I’m having a hard time processing all of this.”
“He’s not very quick, is he?” Pat asked.
“Most of the time,” Randall said. “It can be quite frustrating. He also has the tendency to turn objects into phalluses.”
“How uncouth,” Pat sniffed.
“Gwar gurgh blargh,” Kevin said.
“Who’s a big boy?” Leslie asked. “Yes, you’re a big precious boy, aren’t you? Aren’t you?”
“I don’t understand,” I said, ignoring all of them. “Did he tell you about me? Did you know about me all this time?”
“No, Sam,” Randall said, his glower softening ever so lightly. “I swear to you that I knew nothing about you until Vadoma. And that is the truth.”
“So he hid this from you too?”
Randall sighed. “I have made my peace with it. He was never as Morgan is with you. He was not my friend. He was not my family. He did not care for me as Morgan cares for you.”
“So you say,” Pat chided. “You have not spoken to him in centuries. You know not of how he felt.”
Randall scowled at her. “I had a pretty good idea when he disappeared shortly after Myrin came into my life.”
And I could hear the anger then, in his voice, and knew the betrayal Randall had experienced went so much further than just Myrin. If Randall was telling the truth—and I had no reason to think he wasn’t, as preposterous as it sounded—it meant his mentor had known of the future, had known what it would bring.
The Great White had known what Myrin would become, and the dragon had let it happen without warning. It explained why it’d been so against Randall having a cornerstone.
The betrayal must have stung. Much like it had when they’d kept the truth from me. Gods, these circles we kept spinning in.
“And the Great White saying I wasn’t ready? You told me I needed to prove myself. That it would be enough.”
“I never said it would be enough. I said that you needed to believe in yourself. That when you stood before him, these four dragons pledged to your cause, that he would need to judge you worthy.”
“This… sucks.”
“Eloquent as always.”
“Dude. You and Morgan really suck. All those secrets and then you do the same to me? That was low, bro. So low.”
“And then you somehow decided to do the same,” Randall snarked. “Low blow, bro.”
“Ugh,” I said. “Old people. Stop stealing my youth!” I paused, considering everything I’d learned before shaking my head and sighing. “That must have really irked you when you heard I could speak to dragons. Like, here you are, probably growling in the forest at a dragon the size of a mountain, and then I come along, and I’m all like, what’s up, dude, and the dragons can all understand me.”
“Is it too late to go back up the mountain and forget we ever saw each other?” Pat asked.
“If you decide to go, take me with you,” Randall said.
“I’m like you,” I decided. “Except better. That’s gotta burn, Randall. A young, brave, handsome man like me coming in and doing all this cool shit while you had to be old and decrepit and probably dying a little. You know what? I feel better about a lot of things right now.”
“This is what destiny looks like,” Randall said to Pat.
“How terrible for us all,” she replied. “Mayhap it’s time you leave him to us to let us see what we see.”
“You can’t eat him.”
“I wouldn’t even dream of it. However, does he really need all of those limbs?” She grinned at me, fangs on display.
“Eep,” I squeaked, taking a step back. “Er. Um. I’d really rather keep all my limbs, if you don’t mind. I need them for walking and carrying things. I’m already down one as it is.” I showed her my sling, just in case she’d missed it.
“Fair point,” she said, leaning forward, looking more snakelike than she ever had before. “But you do not need the one between your legs for walking and carrying things. Possibly that one will suffice.”
“Uhh,” I said. “I would prefer to keep that one as well. But the fact that you called it a limb, of all things, is flattering. Thank you.”
“Leslie,” Pat said. “Get down from that youngling. It’s time for us to test the wizard.”
“I really don’t like the sound of that,” I whispered to myself.
Leslie spread her wings, cooing at Kevin one last time. Kevin, for his part, had melted into a gigantic puddle and barely even moved when she lifted off him to land beside her mate. Leslie rubbed her snout against Pat’s neck before she eyed me curiously. “He looks as if he’s petrified. Also confused. What an odd combination.”
“I will leave you to it, then,” Randall said, bowing at the feathered dragons. “Though, just as a word of warning, Sam’s friends tend to be rather vengeful, so it might be prudent to have him returned with all his bits and bobs attached as they are.”
“Pity, that,” Pat growled.
“Quite,” Randall said. “They get rather… screechy when it comes to Sam.” Randall bowed again. “It has been an honor hearing you speak.”
“Aye,” Pat said. “You as well, wizard. We are well met. You need not fear what we’ll do to the boy.”
“Except if I want to squish him because of how adorable he is,” Leslie said. “You can fear that greatly.”
Randall walked past me, stopping briefly to put his hand on my shoulder. “Sam, I trust that you’ll mind your manners.”
“You can’t leave me,” I hissed at him.
“I can,” he said. “And I shall. Kevin, if you please. Come with me. I do believe I have some delightful greens that should fill your belly. Consider it my thanks for saving us after yet another one of Sam’s disastrous plans.”
“Blar gwargh mlargh,” Kevin drooled as he picked himself slowly off the ground.
“How fascinating,” Randall said as they strode toward the castle.
“Randall,” I whisper-shouted. “Randall.”
Of course, as he was a major dick, he ignored me, continuing on toward the castle, Kevin strolling after him.
“Oh my gods, I hate you both so godsdamn much. Revenge! I will have my revenge!”
“Wizard,” a dragon snarled behind me.
I turned slowly to face them.
Chapter 16: Princess Monsoon Rains and Bilrock the Destroyer
WHEN ONE is faced with lesbian feather dragons who have threatened to eat one’s penis and/or squish one’s face, one tends to freeze a little and to be unsure of how to proceed.
And it’s not made easier when, instead of speaking, said lesbian feather dragons just stare.
If there was one thing I didn’t like, it was awkward silences.
I tended to fill them, vomiting words until it was either less awkward or even more so. I didn’t mind which, just as long as it wasn’t silent any longer.
I also didn’t like being stared at like I was a tiny little bug deserving of being squashed (Pat) or like I needed to be scooped up and squeezed until my innards spilled out at either end (Leslie).
But I was good. The silence lasted longer than it usually did.
So, twenty-seven seconds had passed before I said, “So.”
The only other sound was the dragons breathing.
“Yeah,” I said. “I feel like we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot here. Can we start again?”
They didn’t say anything. Which was neat.
“Great!” I said, sweating profusely. “This is just great. Anyway, I’m Sam. Sam of Wilds. Maybe you’ve heard of me?” I blanched. “Not to presume that you would have heard about me. I’m not that big of a deal. My ego isn’t this massive thing in which I assume that no
matter where I am, everyone has to know who I am. Wait. But you do have to know who I am. Because of the whole destiny thing. And also because I’ve already told you my name before. Wow. This must be kind of embarrassing for you. But that’s okay! It’s no big deal. We’ll just let bygones be bygones. I mean, after all, I came into your lair where your hoard probably was, and you tried to kill me, so I think we’re probably all squared away now, right?”
“Why is it talking so much?” Leslie whispered to Pat. “And do humans always sweat so profusely? I should think I don’t want to squish him if he is going leak all over me. You know how I feel about things that leak.”
“Ha!” I blurted. “Lesbian jokes. I get it!”
They stared at me.
“Oh,” I said, eyes wide. “Not… a lesbian… joke? Wow. Now I wish I had been born without a mouth. And that was really rude of me. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be making lesbian jokes, especially since we don’t have that kind of friendship. Or any friendship, really. We’re not friends. You’re just two large dragons who are staring at me strangely. And here I am, just a wizard, standing in front of some dragons, asking them to tolerate him.”
Pat leaned forward, eyes narrowed to slits. “You talk too much.”
“It is my curse,” I said solemnly, refusing to be intimidated. Which amounted to me being extraordinarily intimidated and trying really hard to control loose bowels. “But if it makes you feel any better, you’re not the first person who has told me that.”
“Your dragon, dear,” Leslie said, the feathers on top of her head fluttering. “That darling youngling. Kevin, was it?”
“Ye-es….”
“How exotic, that,” Leslie said to Pat. “I mean, Kevin. Can you just imagine?”
“I really don’t think dragons understand how names work,” I muttered.
“What was that?” Pat asked with a sneer.
“Nothing, nothing! Just… thinking aloud. That is also something I tend to do. You can just ignore me, like everyone else does.”
“Now,” Leslie said, “this Kevin. Tell me, dear. Does he need a mother?”
“Oh, here we go again,” Pat said, rolling her eyes.
“What,” I said. Because what?
“Leslie, you cannot just mother everything you find,” Pat said, sounding as if this was a long-held argument.
“I’m pretty sure I can,” Leslie said. “And I’m also pretty sure that I will.”
“It hasn’t worked out so far.”
“That’s because those were just practice children.”
“There were those bats,” Pat said, raising a single claw.
“Crunchy,” Leslie said.
“Then those baby cows.” Another claw was raised.
“Or sliders, as I like to call them,” Leslie said, lips smacking.
“Or the mountain goat.” A third claw.
“I certainly got a kick out of him,” Leslie said gleefully. Then she frowned. “Especially when he was coming out of me.”
I grimaced. “I… didn’t need to know that.”
“This is why we have the rocks,” Pat said, lowering her claws. “You can still mother them without accidentally eating them.”
“You ate your pseudochildren?” I asked shrilly.
“Terrible business, that,” Leslie said. “I felt just awful. Which actually turned out to be heartburn and indigestion, but still. Just awful.”
“You can’t eat Kevin!”
She blinked at me. “I wasn’t planning to. In case you couldn’t tell, he is much larger than I am, even if he’s a youngling.”
Pat leaned forward again, her snout right in front of my face. “You know how weak humans’ eyes are. Perhaps this one’s are weaker than most.”
“Hey! I’ll have you know I have very strong eyesight! Like, the strongest even.”
Leslie snorted. “Of course you do, dear.”
“You’ve eaten everything you’ve mothered,” I said.
“Except the rocks,” Leslie said.
“Except the rocks. Because of course. But lady-dudes, I don’t even know what to say to that. I learn every day that I know nothing about dragons. I mean, one day, I’m just all like, you know, living, and then the next, there’s this gigantic dragon and he’s kidnapping the Prince and telling me he wants to fuck me, and then there’s a quest and the dragon is all of a sudden named Kevin, and then he falls in love with my best friend Gary and they get dragon-unicorn married and have really gross sex where they scream my name—which is emotionally damaging, by the way—and out of nowhere, they suddenly think they’re my parents for some weird magical reason, and then they get divorced and Kevin says he’s moving into a bachelor pad but stays in the exact same spot but still makes me go and play catch on the weekends, and he was talking about getting his ear pierced. His ear. Why would I care if he got his ear pierced, Pat and Leslie?”
“Now it appears to have sprung a leak out its mouth,” Leslie said. “Humans. Can’t live with them, can’t eat them. Well, I can eat them, but given my acid reflux, I rarely indulge anymore. I’m not as young as I once was, you know. It’s really too bad. Humans come in so many different flavors.”
“Oh my goodness,” I whispered.
“Why don’t we just see how things with the rocks go,” Pat told her mate. “You’ve just named them. Shouldn’t that be enough?”
“Princess Monsoon Rains and Bilrock the Destroyer are just stones,” Leslie said.
“Princess Monsoon Rains and Bilrock the Destroyer,” I repeated. “You can name rocks all badass, but you’re Pat and Leslie and Kevin and Zero? What in the balls is wrong with all of you?”
They both leaned forward, snake-quick, causing me to meep and take a stumbling step back.
“Does it have a problem with our names?” Leslie asked, sticky sweet.
“If it does, we can easily correct the situation to our satisfaction,” Pat said, staring directly at my crotch.
I tried to cover myself with my free hand. “Leave my limbs alone!”
“It’s still precious,” Leslie said. “I would squish its face from sunup to sundown.”
Pat sighed, eyes flickering over to her mate. “Of course you would,” she said, but she sounded warm. “It’s one of the things I adore about you.”
Leslie nuzzled Pat on the side of her face.
I couldn’t help it. I said, “Aww. Love.”
They quickly snapped their heads back at me.
I coughed. “I mean. Uh. Continue on. As you were. Don’t mind me here. And you’ll have to ask Kevin if he needs a mother. That is not a conversation I ever want to have with him.”
“Why is that?” Pat asked, tail twitching dangerously. “Do you not care about his well-being?”
I rolled my eyes. “I don’t know that anyone in the world cares more about his well-being. Except for maybe Gary. Yeah. Gary probably cares more. You know. Because of all the sex. They’re in love. I think. Wait. No. I know they are. I’m not quite sure how this whole trial reconciliation thing works. Or why it’s even a thing. To be honest, I don’t know why many things are things with them.”
“I see,” Leslie said. “So you do care about him.”
I frowned, not understanding where they were going with this. “Of course I do. He’s my friend.”
“You’re not just using him because of your destiny?”
“Ha! Hardly. I don’t know that I would have picked him for my destiny if I had the choice—kidding! Kidding, oh my gods, I was kidding, please put your teeth away! No need to show them to me. I can assure you they’re very big.” I managed to unclench before continuing. “I knew Kevin long before any of this happened.”
“Right,” Pat said. “Because he kidnapped your Prince. You went to slaughter him. Isn’t that how the fairy tales go? A member of the Crown is taken, and the knights and wizard ride in to slay the fearsome beast to rescue their beloveds.”
“Sure,” I said. “And maybe that’s kind of what happened. But not really.
Like, okay. So, there was kidnapping, and knights and wizards went after them (and hornless unicorns and half-giants), and there was a riding in to save them, even though that’s totally racist, and it kind of wasn’t a beloved? Well, we thought it was, but it turns out the knight loved the wizard and not the Prince, and then there was this whole… thing where the wizard and the knight were stupid and oaths and weddings and love confessions in front of large crowds.” I sighed. “My life is an ordeal.”
They stared at me.
“Right,” I said hastily. “That… probably doesn’t matter to either of you. The point I’m trying to make—wait, I totally forgot the point I was trying to make. Shit. Okay. Give me a minute. It’ll come back to me. Okay. Think, Sam. Fairy tales, riding in to save people, love confessions—gods, he’s still an asshole for doing that—and then… oh! Right. Slaying the fearsome beast!”
The feathered dragons didn’t seem to be very impressed. Well, Pat wasn’t. Leslie looked as if she wanted to mother all over my face. It was oddly disconcerting.
I shook my head. “I don’t know if we ever set out to slay Kevin—or the dragon, because we didn’t know who he was then. I was always taught that dragons were to be revered, that their numbers were so few that they were… special. I know that humans and dragons haven’t always had the best histories, but even though Kevin had taken the Prince for his hoard, I didn’t want to hurt him.”
“What was your plan, then?” Leslie asked, stretching her claws out in the snow. “If you weren’t there to hurt him, how were you planning on saving your Prince? Especially since a dragon’s hoard is the most precious thing to them. All else pales in comparison.”
I blinked. “Um. I don’t… know if we really had a plan.”
“What,” Pat said, no inflection whatsoever. It was terribly impressive.
I shrugged awkwardly. “I guess we were just going to kind of show up and wing it?”
“Wing it,” Pat repeated.
“Ooh,” Leslie said. “I like this human. Winging it plans are my favorite kind of plans.”