by T. J. Klune
“You’re being deliberately difficult.”
“A little bit. But I’m trying to save Verania, and it sounds like you’re telling me to jump without looking.”
“You’ve somehow tricked your way into gathering four dragons at your side,” Justin said wryly. “Taking a leap is essentially all you do. Nothing is happening between Ryan and me. Somehow he has become my friend… as you have, as distasteful as that is to admit out loud.”
I grinned at him.
He groaned. “Stop looking at me like that.”
I laid my head on his shoulder. “I love you too,” I whispered.
He muttered death threats against my person but didn’t push me away.
The fire snapped in front of us, and for a time, neither of us spoke.
“You can do this, Sam,” he said finally. “You just need to trust in those around you. I know you think you have to protect everyone, but we all need to protect you too. And that is something you must allow us to do. You’re angry. I don’t blame you for that. But I choose to believe Morgan and Randall did what they did out of love for you. They tried to shield you for as long as they could, much like you did to us. To Ryan. It’s the same, in the end.”
We stayed by the fire late into the night, listening as Gary and Kevin began round three. It sounded as if they were role-playing spies again.
It was terrible.
RYAN WAS awake when I went back to the bedroll.
He held up an arm so that I could curl up against him.
“How much of that did you hear?” I asked.
His voice was rough with sleep when he spoke. “Enough to know that Justin was right. You’re an idiot.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“When we get back to Castle Lockes, you and I are going to have a long talk about being hypocritical.”
“Any chance we can skip that and go straight to the butt sex?”
“Not even the smallest of chances.”
“Dammit.”
He kissed my forehead. “I love you, Sam.”
“I know.”
“We’re going to get through this.”
“Are we?”
He held me tighter. “You’ll see. We’ll get through this, and everyone and everything will be fine. When villains rise, heroes do too. It’s how it goes. It’s always been the way of things. And there is always a happy ending to these stories. Nothing will happen to you. Nothing will happen to me. Or Gary or Tiggy or Kevin, or any of the others. There will be a happy ending, Sam. Even if things seem dark, you can’t forget to look for the light of the stars. They will always show you home.”
And as I drifted off to sleep, safe in the arms of my cornerstone, I wanted nothing more than to believe him.
“HOW ARE we supposed to find him?” Justin asked a few days later as we trudged through the Dark Woods. It had rained the day before and everything was extraordinarily soggy, including ourselves. It wasn’t exactly making for a memorable experience.
It didn’t help that we were deep in the Dark Woods on a small path that was almost overgrown with vegetation. Kevin broke leafy limbs and knocked down smaller trees as he led the way, leaving a trail of debris behind him.
“Usually he appears out of nowhere,” I said. “Or he traps me in a circle of magic mushrooms.”
“Or he tries to marry you,” Ryan muttered behind me.
“You know you’re my one and only, babe.”
“I’m not threatened by a six-inch-tall naked man with wings.”
“He’s so threatened,” Gary whispered quite loudly to Tiggy. “I’m embarrassed for him.”
“Knight Delicious Face has issues,” Tiggy whispered back.
“The issue stems from the fact Dimitri asked me to marry him before Ryan did,” I said without thinking, then promptly tripped over my own feet as I choked on my tongue. “Not that you are going to ask me to marry you or anything! That’s… that’s not what I meant to say. I don’t even care about stuff like that!”
“This is my favorite adventure ever,” Gary said. “I am having such a wonderful time.”
“HaveHeart for life, motherfuckers,” Tiggy said gleefully. “Gonna get married.”
“What?” I hissed at them. “Dudes. Shut up. He’ll hear you.”
Gary was unimpressed. “I should hope so. He’s standing right there.”
I looked back at Ryan, who was gaping at me.
I groaned.
Ryan sputtered.
I begged for the gods to strike me down.
Ryan said, “That’s not why I have issues! And for the record, when we get married, it’s going to be better than anything a mothercracking fairy king could do for you.”
“Oh my gods,” Justin muttered. “This is like watching a carriage wreck in slow motion.”
It was my turn to sputter at Ryan. “What do you mean when?”
“Royal weddings!” Gary said. “I shan’t have a thing to wear. Tiggy. Tiggy. Do you realize what this means?”
“Shopping-trip montage?”
“Shopping-trip montage. There will be scarves and frilly hats, and we’ll laugh or shake our heads in obvious disdain when the other wears something outrageous. It’s going to be glorious.”
“I love frilly hats,” Tiggy said. “And chickens.”
“What the devil is going on back here?” Kevin asked as he looked back over his shoulder, craning his neck. “Did we stop for a sexy-time break?”
“Sam and Ryan are getting married,” Gary cried.
Kevin’s eyes widened. “My boy?” he whispered. “My boy is getting married?”
“Why did I want to come on this trip?” Justin asked no one in particular. “I could be back at the castle doing anything that is not being with these people.”
There was a thunderous crash as Kevin turned himself around, his tail and wings knocking down even more trees. “My son,” he said, looking down at me. “I am so happy for you. Why, I remember when you were a little boy—”
“No, you don’t,” I retorted. “I didn’t even know you when I was a little boy.”
“—and I promised myself that when you found your one true love, that I wasn’t going to cry when you asked me to walk you down the aisle. Guess what? I’m about to break that promise.”
“I’m feeling really sweaty,” Ryan said, looking vaguely ill.
“You are not walking me down the aisle,” I said, glaring up at Kevin. “You’re not even my real dad!”
“Oh, Gary,” Kevin sniffed, great globular tears sliding down his scaly cheeks. “Our son is getting married.”
Gary was sobbing as he trotted toward his… husband? Ex-husband? Gross sex buddy? I couldn’t keep track. He wailed as he leaned his head against Kevin’s foot. “I’m n-n-not ready!”
“We crying now?” Tiggy asked, lower lip trembling.
“No!” I shouted. “No crying! We’re not crying!”
“Yes, Tiggy!” Gary cried. “Sam is getting married.”
“He is?” Tiggy asked as he started to cry. “He is?”
“You better take care of him,” Kevin snarled at Ryan through his tears. “You know that Sam is my sexy son. I won’t marry him off to just anyone who asks.”
Ryan’s eyes were bulging out of his head. “I think I’m feeling feverish.”
“If anyone cares, I’m going to keep on going so I don’t have to listen to this anymore,” Justin said. “Because I really hate all of you right now.”
“How much will we get for Sam’s dowry?” Kevin asked Gary. “I’ve never had to sell off one of my children before.”
“I don’t know,” Gary said through his tears. “He’s a little defective, so we should probably be up-front that all sales are final.”
“You can’t sell me!” I bellowed at them. “And I’m not defective.”
“I was just trying to walk through the forest,” Ryan said. “That’s it.”
“Can Tiggy be in wedding?” Tiggy asked, wiping his nose.
“Of co
urse you can,” I said. Then, “Wait. I didn’t mean to say that.”
“Tiggy can’t be in wedding?” Tiggy asked, staring at me with wide, wet eyes.
“Gaaah. Your face. I just meant I wasn’t getting married! But now I have to because of that face. Ryan, we’re getting hitched! Just look at Tiggy. Just look at him.”
“Did you just ask me to marry you?” Ryan squeaked.
“Hey, guys?” Justin called.
“Huh,” I said. “I think I just did.”
“Wow,” Kevin said. “Sam being the one to ask Ryan. How progressive.”
“How is that progressive?” I asked. “We’re both men.”
“True,” Kevin said. “But you’re… daintier.”
“Guys,” Justin said again.
“Daintier?” I growled. “And what the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“You want to marry me?” Ryan asked.
“You’re going to be the most perfect flower half-giant,” Gary sobbed at Tiggy. “There will never be one as beautiful as you.”
“I am beautiful,” Tiggy said as he cried.
“It’s just,” Kevin said. “You know. You’re… dainty.”
“I’ll show you dainty,” I snarled at him.
“Ooh,” Kevin said. “Say that again. That did things to my penis like you wouldn’t believe. And can you call me Captain when you do it? Don’t ask. It’s just a thing.”
“GUYS!” Justin shouted.
“WHAT!” we all shouted back.
“A little fucking help here, you godsdamn assholes!”
I took off down the path, feeling my magic beginning to crawl along my skin. The others were crashing after me, and as we burst into a clearing, I was prepared for anything, be it manticores or fire geckos or a band of roving Darks that needed to be eradicated.
Instead I crashed into Justin’s back, and the others smashed into me. We were all knocked off our feet, landing on top of the Prince on the ground.
“Ow,” I managed to wheeze. “Gary, your hoof… it’s on… my balls.”
“Oh please,” Gary said from somewhere above me. “You act like it’s the first time I’ve ever touched your balls.”
“He touched your balls?” Ryan growled near my shoulder. “Why the hell is he touching your balls? Was that before or after you touched his asshole?”
“Cannot… breathe,” Justin groaned below me.
“I love you guys,” Tiggy said near the top of the pile.
“Huh,” Kevin said, peering down at us. “That looks as if it would be more comfortable if you were all naked. I can help with that if you’d like. I’m down for a Sam Just Got Engaged Orgy.”
“Oh no,” I moaned. “He capitalized it and everything.”
“Sam got engaged?” a high-pitched voice buzzed from above us. “To who?”
We all looked up slowly.
There, fluttering in the air in front of us, were hundreds of tiny naked men with wings.
In the front flew the king of the Dark Woods fairies.
Dimitri.
With his tiny mustache.
And his tiny penis.
“Hi, Dimitri,” I sighed.
WHEN ONE has an audience with the king of the Dark Woods fairies, one should expect to feel extraordinarily uncomfortable. Not only was Dimitri a lecherous little fellow on par with anything Kevin could dish out, he did so while naked and usually after having trapped me somehow or tying me up.
Not as sexy as it sounds, trust me.
I might have accidentally agreed to marry him at one point, only to have escaped when Gary kicked a bunch of fairies in the face, and then I left him at the altar while we ran away. I didn’t think he’d actually ever gotten over that.
I felt bad.
Sort of.
However, it was something that I needed to put up with, given that Dimitri knew more about the Dark Woods than I ever would. True, he could be an enigmatic asshole about it, but he was a necessary ally. A treaty was in place between him and the Crown, negotiated by Justin, that said the fairies would offer assistance in matters of life and death. And given that finding the Great White seemed to qualify, here we were. Dimitri was the only person who would know how to find him.
But first.
“Sam,” Dimitri said, hovering near my face. He’d waited until we picked ourselves up off the ground before speaking again.
“Dimitri,” I said as politely as possible. “How… adequate it is to see you again.”
“The pleasure is all mine,” he whispered, leaning forward to stroke my cheek with his tiny hand.
“Gross,” I muttered. “I mean, uh. Yes. The pleasure.”
“I like him,” Kevin whispered behind us. “He seems like a good guy.”
“Oh boy,” Gary said. “We’re going to need to have a talk about a few things later.”
“Like sexy things?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
“What brings you to my neck of the woods yet again?” Dimitri asked, wings fluttering furiously. “Can’t stay away, can you? One would think you were stalking me, Sam of Wilds.”
And that gave me an idea. A very, very unclean idea.
Ryan’s hand was on the hilt of his sword when I grabbed it to keep him from drawing. Dimitri’s shrewd eyes tracked the movement.
“What can I say?” I said lightly. “I have an appreciation for… the little things.”
“Really,” Dimitri said, eyeing me up and down. “How fortunate for me.”
“It really is,” I said, trying to stand seductively, hip cocked, thinking about how I could incorporate my nipples into the conversation.
“Will you excuse us for a moment?” Ryan snapped before dragging me back toward the others. I winked at Dimitri over my shoulder and licked my lips in what I hoped was showing that I wouldn’t mind going down on that tiny wiener.
“What are you doing?” Ryan hissed in my ear as soon as we were huddled together, Kevin’s head hanging above us.
“Flirting,” I hissed back. “It’s the only way he’ll tell us what we want.”
“But you’re terrible at flirting.”
“Excuse you! I’m amazing at it!”
“You’re really not,” Kevin said. “In fact, you might be the worst I’ve ever seen.”
“What?” I stared at them. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m pretty godsdamn hot.”
“Well, we really have no one to blame but ourselves for that ego,” Gary said. “All of us. But not really me. Or mostly Tiggy.”
“It’s true,” Tiggy said, nodding solemnly.
“What about all the things that want to have sex with me?” I demanded.
“Oh, honey,” Gary said. “That’s because you’re adorable, not because you know how to flirt.”
“You are not doing this,” Ryan growled. “I’m not going to just stand there and watch while you flirt with a man who’s not even as big around as my cock.”
“Oh my,” Gary said, staring down at Ryan’s crotch. “Hello, Knight Commander.”
“Even Justin thinks this is a good idea,” I said, glaring at them.
Justin blinked. “I think what now?”
I smiled at him because he wasn’t on my shit list like everyone else. “Remember? You told me that you liked how I jumped in feetfirst without overthinking things and that my plans were super awesome and that you were my best friend 5eva.”
The others turned slowly to look at him, mouths open wide.
He took a step back, hands raised in front of him. “Don’t look at me like that! I didn’t say that at all!”
“He really did,” I said. “We were sitting by the fire, and he told me he admired me and that I should leap for my future or something. Also, he said that I look good in nice trousers.”
“You were hitting on him?” Ryan snarled at the Prince.
“You are such a liar, Sam of Wilds!” Justin cried.
“The sexual tension is just ridiculous,” Kevin breathed. “
Just kiss already!”
“And what happens when Dimitri figures out you aren’t intending to sleep with him?” Gary asked.
I shrugged. “By then I assume we’ll be with the Great White, and since it’s the size of a mountain, we’ll probably be running for our lives before I inadvertently punch it in the eye and save the day, since that’s what I seem to do with dragons. Dimitri won’t have time to remember. Don’t worry, I got this!”
They all gaped at me.
“Aaaand break,” I said. “Okay, team. Good talk. Let’s get back out there and do what we came to do.”
And with that, I turned around and slinked back toward where Dimitri and the other fairies waited for us. I rolled my hips and let my hands trail down my chest. “Hello,” I said when I came to stand in front of him again, voice husky and warm. “How lovely it is to see you again.”
“Really?” Dimitri asked suspiciously. “You think it’s nice to see me?”
“Quite,” I said. “Gosh, is it hot out here or is it just me?” I untied the top of my tunic, letting it open against my collarbone. “There. That’s much better.”
Dimitri’s eyes strayed to my chest. He was falling right into my trap. “You said it was just adequate to see me again only moments ago.”
I coughed. “Er. Right. Well. That was before I saw you properly. You’ve done something different with your… penis.”
“Oh,” he said, looking down at the appendage. “I suppose I did. I painted it blue.”
“I can see that,” I said. “It’s looks—”
“Stop staring at it,” Ryan whispered harshly behind me.
“—like you’re a very good painter.”
“Indeed,” he said, sounding pleased. “I even got the underside, see?”
I struggled not to choke as he lifted his dick. “Oh yes! Quite thorough. You know what they say: a thorough man… can be… thorough. In. Other things.”
“Oh my gods,” Gary moaned from behind me. “This is painful.”
“I’ve never heard that saying before,” Dimitri said, flying up near my face. “But it rings true. I am very thorough. In all things.”
“I want to be you when I grow up,” Kevin breathed.