by T. J. Klune
“At least he hasn’t tried to sleep with you yet,” Ryan pointed out. “That’s different.”
I squinted at Caleb. “Do you want to bone me?”
“What? No!”
“Ouch,” I said. “That’s a blow to the ol’ ego. Are you sure?”
“I don’t want to sleep with you. I’m straight.”
“Huh. That was not expected.” I gave him the Look-How-Precious-Sam-Is big eyes, fluttering my eyelashes just the way Gary had taught me. “Are you sure?”
“Are you hitting on me?” Caleb sounded incredulous.
“Gods, Sam,” Ryan growled. “Now is not the time for that.”
“You don’t even find me a little attractive?” I asked Caleb.
“No!”
“I was having such a good day too,” I said with a sigh. “Well, up until the whole getting trapped in a house with a skinny little twink who thought it’d be a good idea to try and capture us.”
“I’m not a twink.”
“Do you have any body hair that’s not on your head or dick?”
“No! What the hell—”
“Twink,” I said. “Trust me, I would know. I’ve been stuck as one for a long time. I’m hoping one day to become a bear. I feel like I’d be an awesome bear. Maybe even a leather one.”
“What am I, then?” Ryan asked, obviously unable to help himself.
“An otter,” I explained to him. “You’re muscular and furry.”
“I don’t think that’s a thing.”
“It’s a thing,” I insisted. “You’re also a power bottom, but that has nothing to do with you being an otter. That’s just because you’re a rock star.”
He flushed furiously. “Sam, maybe not talk about that in front of others.”
“Why?” I asked with a frown. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” I glanced back at Caleb. “Do you think that’s something to be ashamed of?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. You need to shut up and listen—”
“Rude. First you kidnap me and then you tell me to shut up? Caleb, I don’t think we’re going to be friends.”
“Is it kidnapping if we willingly walked with him?” Ryan asked.
“Eh. I like the way that sounds better than us being gullible idiots.”
“Right,” Ryan said before glaring at Caleb. “You kidnapped us. I’m going to kick your mothercracking behind.”
“Ooh,” I breathed. “You done it now.”
“You killed my mother!” Caleb shouted.
And everything.
Just.
Stopped.
“Excuse me?” I asked, gooseflesh rippling along my arms. “I didn’t kill anyone’s mother.”
Caleb began to pace in front of us, teeth gnashing. “I was gone to Meridian City when it happened. For supplies. We never crossed paths, but I’d heard whispers of the apprentice to the King’s Wizard traveling the countryside, scouring the land for a stolen prince. I thought I knew where the Prince had been taken, but we hadn’t confirmed. It didn’t matter. If the Prince had been kidnapped, it was because a god had decreed it so.”
“A god,” I said faintly, little pieces beginning to fall in place.
“A god,” Caleb agreed. “The god. Because my mother had decreed it so. He came to Verania for our salvation, and we were going to ascend with him. She told us that if we worshipped him, he would love us just as much as we loved him. We would be honored because we were his disciples.”
“I didn’t—”
“No,” Caleb snarled. “You will listen. You will listen to how I came back to Tarker Mills to find the village in ruins, its people scattered to the wind. You will listen to the story that was told to me by those who remained, of the fucking wizard who corrupted a god with his magic, who forced the dragon against his will to take from me. The wizard who used a god as his weapon to close his jaws over my mother, leaving nothing left but her feet in front of a keep in a valley near the mountains.”
“Eloise,” I whispered. “The truth corn cult leader.”
His face turned red with rage. “It wasn’t a cult. But yes. Eloise Marlowe. My mother. She invited you into our home, fed you the truth, and you repaid her by using Dark magic to debase a god into doing your bidding. You did this. You murdered her.”
“Hate to break it to you,” I said coldly, “but your mother was planning on sacrificing us to the one you call a god. You can sure as shit bet I was going to do everything I could to make sure that didn’t happen.”
“Maybe not try and aggravate the crazy twink,” Ryan muttered under his breath.
Caleb ignored him, only having eyes for me. “And I swore on my mother’s stumps that I would do everything I could to bring you to your end, Sam of Wilds.”
I grimaced. “That’s… gruesome. You swore on your mother’s stumps? Dude, what’s wrong with you?”
“And then out of all the darkness, I once again saw the bright light of redemption,” Caleb said. “And it was glorious. I knew I could honor my mother and have my revenge at the same time. Especially when it became evident that you were trying to corrupt the other gods who walk this earth.”
“The dragons aren’t gods. Kevin’s ego is already big enough, and I would appreciate if you wouldn’t add to it.”
“And so I came here. I found my new home. And I trained. I worked day and night, preparing myself to infiltrate the castle, to become the shy l-l-little p-p-page that managed to fool the great Sam of Wilds!”
“No offense,” Ryan said, “but it’s really not that hard to fool him.”
“Hey! That’s fucking mean. Also true. I tend to be rather gullible. And now that I’ve let you monologue, I think we’re going to end this right about—”
“Not so fast, Sam. Or should I say Mervin.”
I whirled around.
Next to the fireplace stood the worst person in the entire world.
My most mortal of enemies.
I snarled, “Lady Tina DeSilva. I should have known this had your foul stench all over it! Tell me, when you slithered out of the sewer in which you reside, did you decide today would be a good day to die? Because you shall rue. There will be ruing.”
“Oh boy,” Ryan said.
Lady Tina was wearing a pink-and-white frilly dress that came down to her ankles and was cinched tight at her trim waist. Her blonde curls were held back by a pink ribbon in her hair. Her fingernails were perfectly manicured and her makeup expertly applied. She was shockingly bright and out of place in the grime of the house we stood in. And I wanted nothing more than to pick up a handful of soot from the fireplace and rub it all over her stupid fucking face until she choked with it—
“Sam of Wilds,” she tittered. “How lovely it is to finally meet you face-to-face without a ridiculous disguise between us.”
“Ha! A disguise that fooled you for months! Take that, you abhorrent wench.”
“This is probably going to take a while,” Ryan told Caleb. “So we’re gonna need to hold off on that mothercracking behind-kicking I promised you. Don’t worry. It’ll still happen.”
“Revenge,” Caleb hissed.
“Right,” Ryan sighed. “That. If it makes you feel any better, you’re not the only one who’s wanted revenge. It’s kind of a thing.”
“Oh please,” Lady Tina sniffed. “I never believed you to be who you said you were. I only allowed you into the Ryan Foxheart Fan Club Castle Lockes Chapter because I felt sorry for you. You had my pity.”
“You liar. I got in because I knew more about Ryan Foxheart than you ever did!”
She scowled at me. “His favorite time of year!”
“Fall, because he loves the way the leaves crunch under his feet! What fruit does he hate the most?”
“Lemons, because he doesn’t understand the point of them!”
“Are they just a garnish?” Ryan asked Caleb. “I mean, you can’t eat them by themselves. Talk about a waste of fruit flesh.”
Tina thought for a sec
ond before her eyes narrowed. “His hobbies include swordsmanship, boxing, and?”
“Waking up at dawn and going for a seven-mile run like an asshole,” I crowed in triumph.
“This is very odd for me,” Ryan told Caleb. “I mean, I’m standing right here, you know?”
“How many orgasm faces does Ryan have?”
“Six,” Tina exclaimed.
“Damn you, wench!”
“I don’t want to know how they know that,” Ryan told Caleb. “I didn’t even know that. Well, Sam should know that. But the girl? That’s just weird.”
“The most push-ups Ryan has ever done!”
“Four hundred and seventy-six! His favorite song to sing!”
“‘Cheesy Dicks and Candlesticks’! His waist size!”
“Thirty-four, with an inseam length of thirty-six, because with those legs, he could have been a dancer!”
“I’m so embarrassed,” Ryan told Caleb.
And then I knew I had her. “Ryan Foxheart’s real name!”
Tina gasped. “What in the name of the gods are you talking about? Ryan Foxheart is his real name.”
“No, it’s not,” Ryan said.
“Aha!” I cried, pointing my finger at Tina. “Admit it, Lady Tina! You will never know as much about him as I will. And also, I get to fuck his godsdamn ass whenever the hell I want, so you can shove that up your front butt and choke on it. HaveHeart for life.”
“I don’t get to curse like that,” Ryan told Caleb. “Because of the children.”
“Curse you, Sam of Wilds!” Lady Tina shouted. “You’re lying, both of you are lying. You have bewitched him or spelled him to do your bidding, just like you’ve done with the dragons of Verania.” She glared over my shoulder. “Caleb, isn’t that right? You, as one of the highest-ranking members of the We-Hate-Sam-A-Lots, know this to be true. He used his magic to take from the both of us. From you, he stole your mother’s life. From me, he stole Rystin, the most beautiful of all relationships that has ever had the privilege of gracing this world. The magic that they had between them was—was life-changing. Anyone that saw them together knew they were meant to be, until this interloper came into the picture. He has destroyed everything good in the world and twisted my one true pairing into a brotherhood, and I will not stand for it!”
“I didn’t bewitch anyone!” I bellowed. “I won everyone over with my natural charm and biting wit and irresistible body.”
“He’s got nice thighs,” Ryan told Caleb. “I’m a thigh guy, I guess.”
“The truth will be revealed,” Tina hissed. “Your lies will end this day, Sam of Wilds, you mark my words. HaveHeart is finished. Long. Live. Rystin.”
I rushed her, planning on knocking her down into the fireplace and rolling her around in the ash and soot, just to make myself feel better.
But as soon as I stepped into the room in which she stood, a dampening wave washed over me, my magic muffled almost instantly. My foot hit the ground, and I almost didn’t have the strength to lift it again. My chest felt tight, constricted, and I struggled to take in another breath.
I hit an invisible wall in front of me, forehead smashing against it. Dazed, I took a step back, bringing my hand to my head. I felt dizzy and weak, like I was powerless.
“Sam?” Ryan asked as he took a step forward.
“Don’t,” I said through gritted teeth, pulling my hand away from my head, expecting to see blood. There was none. “Stay there. It’s a trap.”
“What?” Ryan growled. He ignored me and took a step forward, the floorboards creaking underneath his feet, his armor scraping together.
“Keep an eye on the other one,” I said as I looked over my shoulder. Caleb was grinning, watching the scene play out in front of him, back pressed against the door. Ryan nodded, pointing his sword at Caleb’s chest.
I turned back toward Lady Tina, who still stood by the fireplace. “How the hell are you doing this?”
She smirked. “Look up, Sam.”
I didn’t want to take my eyes off her, but I did as she said.
And there, on the ceiling, was a thinly painted circle filled with arcane symbols, of which I stood directly in the center.
“No,” I whispered. “It can’t be. Is that—”
“Dragon’s blood,” she singsonged. “One of the few things that can contain a wizard completely. Your magic is useless here, Sam.”
“See you next Tuesday,” I snarled at her.
She blinked. “Um. What?”
“Exactly.”
“Honestly, Sam. I don’t know why I expected anything more than you actually are. I suppose it is better to have the bar set so low to achieve any and all expectations. The story of your life, I imagine.”
“Why are you doing this?”
Her eyes flashed. “Why am I doing this? Sam, have you not been listening? You have stolen from me the one thing that mattered the most. The one thing that made this farce called life worth living. The world was fine until you meddled in things that did not involve you.”
“I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I’m talking about Rystin!” she shouted. “Prince Justin and Ryan were perfect for each other. They loved each other. They were going to get married and have babies and dress them in cute little outfits and go for strolls in the park and be the happiest family that ever lived. They complemented each other perfectly. The beautiful prince. The gorgeous knight. It’s how all the fairy tales go. They are never about the wizard. The wizard is a background character that only comes to the forefront when a silly little spell is required to advance the love of the main characters. But you. You couldn’t just let them be happy. You couldn’t let them love each other like they were supposed to. You came in, and you coveted. You devised a plan, poisoning the ear of the King in the process with the ancient tongue. And then you committed the most cardinal of all sins: you turned Ryan away from Justin. I saw you. I saw you. On their wedding day, you stood beside them, sworn to protect them, and you whispered back and forth with that fucking horse and stupid halfling. And then, just before I got my happy ending with Rystin, you unleashed your final spell and stole Ryan away from him.” Her bosom was rising and falling rapidly, her cheeks flushed, strands of hair falling around her face.
And so I said the only thing I could. “Girl, you a crazy fucking bitch.”
“Crazy?” she screeched. “You think I’m crazy? Oh no. No, no, no. Sam, my eyes have been opened. Whatever magic you used on the people of Verania did not work upon me. I was chosen to remain awake while all others slept under your enchantment. And it was then I realized that it was my duty to open the eyes of others, to wake them up to what was really happening in Verania, in the City of Lockes. To expose you for the villain you truly are. And I won’t let it happen any longer. I won’t let you hurt Ryan any more than you already have. I am here to open his eyes so that he can be awoken and remember the love he felt for the prince of his heart.” She looked at Ryan, giving him a watery smile. “It’s okay,” she said. “It’ll be okay. I promise. I will make you remember your beloved, and you will be able to return to him. You’ll be able to live the life you always wanted, the life you deserved if it hadn’t been snatched from you by this—this impostor.”
“Um,” Ryan said. “Thanks, but I’m fine.”
“Wow,” I said. “That was heartfelt. Thanks, babe.”
“I’m processing. That was a lot of information thrown at me all at once.”
“Excuse you? Information implies a modicum of truth to it.”
He rolled his eyes. “Technicality.” He looked at my archnemesis. “Lady Tina, right?”
She nodded. “Yes. That’s my name. You remember. Come back, Ryan. Come back to the light.”
“Oh my gods,” I muttered.
“I appreciate what you’re trying to do here,” Ryan said, giving her that aw shucks smile that he did so well. “Heck, the fact that you’re so concerned about me is certainly one of my favorite t
hings about the Foxy Ladies.” He winked at her.
She swooned a little.
I almost threw up in my mouth.
“But,” Ryan said, sounding extraordinarily apologetic, “I think… there might have been a misunderstanding here.”
“Misunderstanding?” Lady Tina asked.
“Yeah,” he said. “It’s… okay, you see, it’s like this. Justin and I… well. We were never in love. Ever. Like, not even a little bit.”
“This is so stupid,” Caleb said.
“Shut up,” I said as I glared at him. “Ryan Foxheart is about to drop a truth bomb all up in this shit, and you will sit there and you will take it.”
“What—what do you mean?” Lady Tina asked.
“My real name is Nox. Nox Ashford. I come from the slums.”
“Did I know that was your last name?” I asked with a frown. “I don’t think I knew that was your last name.”
He snorted. “Does it matter?”
“It just feels like something I should have known. I like it.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“Sassy knight,” I said fondly. “You just wait until we get back home. I am going to split you in half, you don’t even know.”
He blushed. “Sam, not in front of my fan.”
I rolled my eyes. “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
“No,” Lady Tina said. “No. That’s not… that’s not possible. You’re lying. Sam is making you lie. Ryan, it’s the magic. It’s a spell. He is making you believe all of this. Listen to me. You have been cursed by Sam of Wilds. He is trying to control you—”
“Look,” he said, lowering his sword, “I don’t know how else to tell you this. But I wanted Sam even before Justin and I ever got together. My relationship with Justin was nothing but a mutually beneficial arrangement. We cared about each other, but not romantically. My heart has only ever belonged to one person, and it will stay that way for the rest of my days.”
“He’s talking about me,” I told Caleb, a rather manic smile on my face.
She took a stuttering step back, shaking her head. “No. I refuse to believe that. I refuse.” She narrowed her eyes as she looked toward me. “This is your doing. I knew I was right. And then when he told me the truth, when he told me what you were truly capable of, giving me the validation I needed, I knew there was nothing I wouldn’t do to free Ryan Foxheart from your grasp. Marching and protesting only gets you so far, after all.” She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, then let it out slowly. When she opened her eyes again, she looked as composed as she ever was. Her smile was all teeth. “I suppose it’s time to move on to phase three.”