by Jackie D
This work kept Arrow busy and she was proud of it, but she always felt like there was something missing. She knew this center would make a difference in people’s lives for generations. But it was never enough to extinguish the loneliness she felt due to Kaelyn’s absence. She not only longed for her, she craved her. There wasn’t a single night that went by where Arrow didn’t lie in bed, clutching her pillow, fighting back the tears. She missed her in a way that didn’t seem possible. It consumed her every free moment. And even in her busy moments, Arrow longed to share each triumph and setback with Kaelyn.
When Kaelyn had asked her to stay, it was exactly what she wanted to hear. She jumped for joy on the inside, but then doubt and fear had ambushed her. She’d spent her whole life studying and learning about Kaelyn. When she had the opportunity to actually know her, it was even more overwhelming. She’d been all in until she realized that wasn’t what was best for Kaelyn. At first, it had just been about the mission and getting her to Eden. Valor had been right to warn her off, in order to keep her safe.
Arrow had witnessed firsthand Kaelyn putting herself in harm’s way for her. She would risk herself in order to protect Arrow, and it was impossible to know the dangers that were still out there. Not all the Hand of God forces had been isolated, leaving the new country they were trying to create vulnerable. If Arrow could be used to manipulate Kaelyn for their gain, she couldn’t take the chance. No, it was better for her to stay as far away from Kaelyn as possible. She wouldn’t be a point of weakness for her, not when they’d come so far and with so much still at stake.
“Major Steele?” Hadlee said. “Arrow?”
Arrow sat up in her seat and focused on the screen, pushing Kaelyn from her mind. “Yes, sorry about that. I’m not sure where my mind went.”
“That’s okay. I’ll see you in two weeks,” Hadlee said.
Arrow was confused for a moment, and then she remembered. Refugee meeting. “Yes, I’ll be there.”
The screen went black, and Arrow fell back into her seat.
“You okay?”
Shit. Arrow had forgotten Valor was in the room. She wondered if these were the beginning stages of dementia. Was she starting to lose it?
“Yes, I’m fine.” She pretended that she remembered he was in the room.
“You’re a terrible liar. Even when we were kids, you couldn’t do it. Good thing we never went into a life of crime. You’d be a terrible accomplice.” Valor smiled at her, and his expression was kind.
“I just have a lot on my mind.” She checked her transmitter, trying to keep herself busy.
“No, you have someone on your mind. You haven’t been right since we left.”
She took a deep breath, not wanting to lash out at him. “We’ve been getting along just fine.”
Valor slid his chair closer. “Yes, what we’ve been doing here is incredible. Your work is always perfect, but we both know that’s not what I’m talking about.”
Arrow stood to walk out of the room. “Then I’d rather you not talk at all.”
Valor mimicked her movement. “Arrow, you’re my best friend. I love you. But for your own sake, you need to find a better way to deal with this. You know you deserve to be happy, right?”
“I’m not going to put her or the country in danger, Valor. You saw what she did when those soldiers captured us. She walked right out into the square and almost got herself shot. If she has a weakness, they’ll exploit it, and I’m not going to let that happen.” She pulled her hat down tighter over her head, feeling like it helped make her point.
He put his hands on his waist, the same way he did every time he was going to make a point. “You made this decision all on your own, without even giving her a say-so. Have you ever thought you might be worth it?”
She turned and looked at him. “I’m not worth jeopardizing everything we’ve done.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it. You got scared. You’ve never been in love before, and you didn’t know how to handle it. It was easy in theory when everyone told you that you couldn’t be together, but then when the time came, you chickened out. And you know what, you’re better than that. I’ve never seen you run away from a single thing in your whole life. But you choose now? When there’s something right in front of you that can make you happy? Get your shit together before it’s too late and you lose her for good.”
He walked out the door before she had a chance to leave or say anything else. Arrow wanted to yell after him, to tell him he was wrong, but she didn’t know if that was true. In fact, she wasn’t really sure of anything anymore, except work. In the last several months, she’d become a version of herself that she didn’t recognize. There was no joy, no fun, nothing. But the truth was, it was because she was heartbroken. She missed Kaelyn and she missed who she felt like she could be because of Kaelyn. There was no way around that truth, and no amount of extra hours in the control center was going to fix that.
* * *
“You need to attend this meeting,” Macy said from somewhere behind her.
Kaelyn was watching several children play in the grass in the park across from her office. “Is it the strategy meeting for the Hand of God loyalists?”
“No, it’s the constitutional congress planning meeting.” She sounded mildly exasperated.
Kaelyn couldn’t help but smile at the disregard the children had for everything else going on around them. It was the kind of naivety that only children could experience. “Okay. When is it?”
“Now.” Macy pushed the door open.
Kaelyn took a deep breath and headed for the door. She would go to this meeting and she would give her input. She would smile and tell everyone what a great job they were doing. She would do all this to try to hide the fact that even after seven months, her heart still felt like it had been ripped wide open.
At first, she had kept up with all the progress Arrow had been making. But eventually, she had to stop listening to the updates. It was too hard to know what she was up to and not talk to her or be near her. She had wanted to call her at least a thousand times but stopped herself, knowing that even hearing her voice for one second would force her backward. No, she’d made a plan. She’d keep pushing forward until one day, maybe she would wake up and not feel the aching in her chest. Maybe one day she would stop looking for Arrow’s face in a crowd. Maybe.
Macy pushed open the door, and the people around the table stood. Kaelyn’s mouth went dry and her palms grew sweaty. She felt her neck tingle, and there were goose bumps on her arms, just as there always were when she saw Arrow. Kaelyn glanced over at Macy, partly because she didn’t believe Arrow was really there, but also because she felt like Macy had set her up, somehow.
“This is the constitutional congress meeting?” Kaelyn asked anyone who would answer, but her eyes never left Arrow, who stared back at her looking equally surprised.
“No,” Hadlee Price said. “It’s the refugee meeting.”
Macy had lied to her because she knew she wouldn’t have come. Kaelyn took her seat at the head of the table, which happened to be next to Arrow. Arrow’s cheeks were flushed. Her hair had grown out a little bit, and she looked like she had lost weight, but she was still undeniably beautiful. She was in her military uniform and looked as dashing as ever. Kaelyn fought against every instinct she had in her body to touch her. The hurt and anger were still there, but it paled in comparison to her need to feel Arrow’s ever-solid presence.
Kaelyn wasn’t sure what to do with her hands. She wanted them on Arrow, so she put them on the table and folded them. She managed a glance at Macy, who was proudly beaming at her apparent white lie. Arrow began to speak, and Kaelyn was sure there had never been a better sound than her voice. She could listen to it for hours.
Images from the progress in Arrow’s assigned area flashed on the screen, and Kaelyn forced herself to pull her eyes from Arrow to witness all that she had accomplished. It was impressive, and not just because it had been Arrow’s work. The stride
s she’d made in a short period of time were inspiring.
After several minutes, Arrow took her seat again, and the other refugee director began his presentation.
“You’ve done an amazing job,” Kaelyn whispered.
“Thank you.” Arrow blushed and looked away.
Both turned their attention to the man speaking. He went on with his work, which was also great. Kaelyn wanted to focus on him and what he was saying, but she could hear her heart beating in her head. The proximity to Arrow was making her dizzy, and she worried it was written all over her face.
Kaelyn wasn’t sure if the man had been speaking for twenty seconds, minutes, or hours. All time came to a crashing halt when she felt Arrow’s fingertips touch her leg. She thought about reaching down and grabbing her hand, but she worried she wouldn’t be able to stop there.
The meeting finally came to a conclusion, and plans were made for the directors and the military leaders to meet again tomorrow and discuss their future priorities. Kaelyn wanted desperately to talk to Arrow, but she didn’t want to embarrass either of them.
“Please come see me when you’re done,” Kaelyn said to her, not caring that she had interrupted a conversation Arrow was having with someone else.
Kaelyn practically stumbled back to her office. She felt a little drunk, a little nervous, and very excited. When the door opened a few minutes later, she thought she might jump over her desk.
“Do you have a minute?” Hadlee Price asked.
Kaelyn did her best to hide her disappointment and waved her in. “Sure, what can I help you with?”
To Kaelyn’s surprise, Arrow followed Hadlee inside.
“Normally, I wouldn’t bother you with personnel matters, but since you know Major Steele personally, I thought I should tell you that she’s being reassigned.”
Kaelyn’s immediate reaction was to object. The one saving grace of having Arrow where she was was that Kaelyn knew she was safe. She didn’t want her put back into the field. No, if she couldn’t be with her, she needed to know she was okay. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Hadlee. Major Steele has done a fantastic job with her assignment. Moving her now could force the progress backward.”
Arrow looked hurt by her words, and Kaelyn wanted to take them back.
“She has done a great job, but Captain Markinson will be able to handle things. He’s a very quick study and will still be under the supervision of Major Steele.” Hadlee tilted her head, her eyes narrowed thoughtfully.
How could Arrow still supervise Valor if she was being placed in the field? “I don’t understand.”
“I’ve decided to move Major Steele to Eden. We’ll be promoting her and making her head of refugee relations. I think she’s the perfect person for the job.” Hadlee smiled at Arrow.
Kaelyn couldn’t be sure, but she thought the blood stopped pumping to her head. Her stomach flipped and tried to reach up and grab her heart. “Well, then…I think that’s an excellent decision. She’ll be perfect for it.”
“I agree.” Hadlee opened the door again. “I’ll let you two catch up. Arrow, we’ll get your living arrangements taken care of after dinner tonight.”
Months had passed since they had seen or spoken to each other. Arrow had made it pretty clear that she didn’t want to be with her. She had no reason to think anything had changed.
“I’m sorry,” Arrow said after Hadlee had left the office. “I thought I was protecting you, but I realized I was only protecting myself.”
Kaelyn watched as Arrow took several steps closer. “Protecting yourself from what?”
Arrow took another step closer. “First, I thought I was your weakness. That as long as we were together, people could use me to get to you. Then, I realized that was just part of it. I’ve never been in love before, and I was scared. Scared of a bunch of things I can’t see coming and scared that I’d do it wrong, that I’d end up without you in the end, and I didn’t know how to handle that. I panicked and retreated to what I knew. It was stupid, and I’m sorry.”
Kaelyn moved to touch her but stopped herself. “You love me?”
Arrow took Kaelyn’s hand in her own. “I love you. I loved you when I left, and I love you now. Being away from you has been the hardest time in my life.”
Kaelyn didn’t let her finish whatever she was about to say. She put her arms around her neck and pulled her into a kiss. When their mouths touched, Kaelyn knew Arrow was telling the truth. The passion that had always been there when they kissed still overwhelmed her, but there was more now. There was a tenderness, a feeling of home.
Chapter Forty-three
“The Hand of God is demanding that we release Nora MacLeod into their custody.” Kaelyn flopped down on the sofa.
Arrow kissed the top of her head and handed her a glass of the wine. “Of course they are. You’re not going to, right?”
Kaelyn leaned into Arrow and put her head on her shoulder. “Absolutely not. You don’t release rabid animals.”
Arrow stroked Kaelyn’s arm and smiled when it caused her to shiver. “We need to pull the remaining Hand of God forces into the light. The longer they stay hidden, the angrier they become. Fear and anger are deadly combinations. Do you know their most current location?”
Kaelyn sipped her wine and almost spit it out. “This is terrible.”
Arrow laughed. “They haven’t perfected the grapes yet.”
Kaelyn set her glass down. “They have several locations. They might be getting stronger. We don’t have any intel to prove that yet, but that’s what all the great military minds seem to think.”
“We could set a trap.” Arrow spoke into the side of Kaelyn’s head.
Kaelyn turned to look at her. “Who’s we?”
“Me and a couple of other key people. Nora is familiar with me, and it’s not like I don’t have the training for this.”
“You want me to approve sending you out into the field, with Nora MacLeod, to deal with the Hand of God and all the weapons they managed to smuggle out?” Kaelyn wrapped her arm around Arrow’s middle, pulling her closer.
“It is what I do, Kaelyn.” Arrow made sure there was no bite in her answer.
Kaelyn sighed. “I just got you back two months ago.”
Arrow tilted Kaelyn’s face up to her and kissed her. “I can do this. With Phoenix Two leading the military now, I know we can do this.”
Kaelyn rolled her eyes. “You sure do have a thing for Phoenixes.”
Arrow laughed and kissed her again. “There’s only you. It will always be you.”
Arrow watched as Kaelyn pulled herself on top of her, straddling her waist. “I hate that I can’t say no to you.”
Arrow slid her hands up the side of Kaelyn’s ribs. “Then we can start tomorrow.”
Kaelyn pulled off her shirt. “Yes, but tonight, you’re mine.”
“Tonight and ten thousand more,” Arrow said as she kissed her.
“You have yourself a deal, Lieutenant Colonel.”
With Kaelyn here, like this, tomorrow seemed like a lifetime away. Arrow knew the future was breathing down their necks. There were still people to catch, institutions to rebuild, people to train, and an entire generation of people to assimilate. Nora MacLeod wasn’t going to give up her family’s legacy without a fight, and she had an army willing to do her bidding. It might be a lot smaller than the one she’d had before, but it was enough to cause real problems.
But right now, at least the next few hours, touching, feeling, and falling into Kaelyn was all she cared about. Arrow had learned that life could change instantly, with no warning, and without permission. She needed to take the time gifted to her without question. She wanted to appreciate all the stolen moments that were afforded to her and string them together to create a lifetime of happiness. Regardless of the dark and painful spaces between, she wanted to use those glimmers to lead her like a beacon to the next stolen moment. She wanted to keep as many as she could find and tuck them close to her heart, treasures t
o nourish her soul when she felt like she couldn’t push herself any further. This would be what she would fight for; this was what she would live for.
Love would always bring her home.
About the Author
Jackie D was born and raised in the San Francisco, East Bay area of California. She now resides in central Pennsylvania with her wife, their son, and their many furry companions. She earned a bachelor’s degree in recreation administration and a dual master’s degree in management and public administration. She is a Navy veteran and served in Operation Iraqi Freedom as a flight deck director onboard the USS Abraham Lincoln.
She spends her free time with her wife, friends, family, and their incredibly needy dogs. She enjoys playing golf but is resigned to the fact she would equally enjoy any sport where drinking beer is encouraged during gameplay. Her first book, Infiltration, was a finalist for a Lambda Literary Award. Her fourth book, Lucy’s Chance, won a Goldie in 2018.
Books Available from Bold Strokes Books
All of Me by Emily Smith. When chief surgical resident Galen Burgess meets her new intern, Rowan Duncan, she may finally discover that doing what you’ve always done will only give you what you’ve always had. (978-1-163555-321-5)
As the Crow Flies by Karen F. Williams. Romance seems to be blooming all around, but problems arise when a restless ghost emerges from the ether to roam the dark corners of this haunting tale. (978-1-163555-285-0)
Both Ways by Ileandra Young. SPEAR agent Danika Karson races to protect the city from a supernatural threat and must rely on the woman she’s trained to despise: Rayne, an achingly beautiful vampire. (978-1-163555-298-0)
Calendar Girl by Georgia Beers. Forced to work together, Addison Fairchild and Kate Cooper discover that opposites really do attract. (978-1-163555-333-8)