For the last few weeks he’d been coming to terms with Gina living a stone’s throw away. With Gina being at their makeshift clinic. With Gina’s skills, her kindness, her laughter.
With Gina.
When the bomb had exploded something deep within had been blasted out of him. Trust? Emotion? He wasn’t sure what, only that what was left had seemed a dark void that couldn’t be filled. He’d felt like an empty shell, without whatever it was that had made life worthwhile.
Hope? Yes, that had been destroyed as well, and he hadn’t been able to figure why. It had nothing to do with physical injuries. The shrinks had talked about the cumulative effect of years of fieldwork, of seeing the worst. They’d explained it, but they hadn’t cured it. There hadn’t been any chance of healing. All he’d been able to do was lock himself away.
But then he’d met Gina and his world had expanded. But it had expanded safely. He had no intention of giving up the peace, his quiet patch of island, his retreat from a world of pain, but she’d just been here. She’d added to his peace.
He’d started to...love?
‘I don’t think it is...just as medics,’ he said, measuring each word, trying to figure what he meant himself. ‘Gina, what I’m starting to feel for you...it needs more time. Both of us need more time, but all I know is that I want you to stay. If Babs’s cottage doesn’t work, then maybe we could share...’
But he wasn’t allowed to finish. ‘You mean I could retreat to your place?’ It was a snap, and it left him stunned. He watched her face, tried to figure what she was saying, tried to figure what he was feeling.
She shook her head, seemingly trying to figure what she was feeling. Maybe the same as him? But their two worlds weren’t meshing. ‘I’m done retreating,’ she told him, still with that harsh edge to her voice. ‘It never works.’
‘It can.’
‘Has it worked for you?’
‘Has running worked for you?’
‘Is that what you think I’m doing? Running?’
‘From pain? Maybe I do.’
‘Then that makes two of us,’ she said, and her voice softened. There was a moment’s pause, a long one, where they both seemed to regroup. ‘Sorry, Hugh,’ she said at last. ‘It was a great offer. At least I think it was going to be a great offer. To share your hideaway until we see what the future brings. The thing is that, for me, hideaways don’t work, and in the end they cause more pain. This thing called home... I don’t know the meaning of the word. How can I get attached to something...?’
‘Something you’re afraid of?’
‘Maybe I am,’ she said, still softly. ‘So the two of us are at opposite ends of the spectrum. You’re using the word home to describe somewhere you can hide from the world. I’m thinking the world is the place I can escape from needing any such thing.’ She took a deep breath. ‘You’re a lovely man, Hugh, and we’ve had fun. I know you can build something good here on the island, some way back into what you need. But me...it scares me. If I put down roots, they’ll only be torn up again and I can’t... I couldn’t bear it.’
‘We could take a risk.’ For that was what it felt like, a step into the unknown, but a look at her face told him she wasn’t prepared to take it.
There was a long silence. A chasm impossible to bridge?
‘So you’ll get a job in Sydney?’ he said at last.
‘I won’t.’ Her chin tilted. ‘I had an email yesterday—from the team I’ve worked with before. Travel’s opening up again in this part of the world. A group’s leaving in two weeks, a team of thirty, travelling down to summer over at McLachlan Island. There won’t be a doctor on board. Not many doctors are prepared to spend six weeks travelling between bases on the Southern Ocean, so they’ve approached me again. I’ve said I’d go.’
‘In two weeks.’ He felt winded.
‘Yes.’
‘And then?’ He was trying to get his head into some sort of order. So many conflicting emotions.
What he wanted, more than anything, was to step forward and take her into his arms. But something was holding him back. Something rigid, unassailable.
What he needed was an open heart, a surety that he could offer this woman the home and hearth she needed.
He had that. A home. A hearth.
She needed more.
There were so many emotions circling his brain. The birth he’d just witnessed had left him exposed. He’d seen the absolute love between the couple inside the house they’d just left. He’d seen the joy. But he’d also seen the terror that had gone before. They’d come so close.
If he managed to hold Gina... If she were to be pregnant with his child... If she took risks on his behalf...
‘No.’ She took a step back and managed a wavering smile. ‘Hugh, don’t beat yourself up and don’t feel bad on my account. My world is what it is, as is your isolation, your need for escape. I can’t help you and I can’t continue to share. I’ve bullied you into helping me at the clinic and I hope you keep that up. I hope you become a true islander, that this place becomes your home and you and Hoppy can live happily ever after. But meanwhile, I’m off to find more adventures. I hope the world will open up again and I can have fun.’
‘Is that what you want?’
‘Yes,’ she said, a trifle defiantly, but then she softened. She took his hands, then leaned forward and kissed him, very lightly, on the lips. And then she retreated before he could reach out and hold her.
‘It’s been good,’ she said as she stepped back, and only a slight quiver in her words let him see the vulnerability behind the façade. ‘I’ve done what I could for Babs, and so have you. I’ve even had a good time here, but it’s time to reclaim what we both need. Hugh, I think...’ She took a deep breath. ‘I think I’ve come very close to loving you, but I don’t need a refuge. I can’t... I can’t want a home.’
‘Gina—’
‘Don’t say any more,’ she begged. ‘I need to go.’
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
SHE LEFT AND there wasn’t a thing he could do about it. He kissed her goodbye at the ferry. She kissed him back, she held and clung for one long, sweet moment, and then she pulled away. There were tears in her eyes, but she lifted her duffel bag and turned and boarded the ferry without a backward glance.
She’d sorted Babs’s belongings, distributing them among the islanders and to the local charity shop. As far as he knew she’d taken nothing for herself.
The size of her duffel was smaller even than the kit bag he’d carried on fieldwork.
She travelled light.
She travelled alone.
It was early morning when the ferry left. He’d driven her to the terminal. Now he headed to the clinic. It was half an hour until his first appointment. He stood and gazed at the space Gina had organised. At the state-of-the-art coffee maker she’d ordered from the mainland as ‘essential supplies’. At the chair she’d used in the outer room, neatly pushed back under the desk.
There was not a personal thing on the desk. She’d left nothing.
And then the first patient arrived. It was Holly Cross, wife of one of the firefighters injured in the explosion. Ray was home from hospital, doing well, but Holly was still holding up the farm. She had a laceration on her leg that was starting to ulcerate.
‘Bloody cow kicked me,’ she told him. ‘Been too busy fussing over Ray to worry about it. So Gina’s gone. You gonna miss her, Doc?’
‘We all will.’ It was all he could say. She let it be, and they talked of Ray and cows and life in general until he was almost done. He’d debrided the edges of the wound, cleaned and dressed it and was organising antibiotic.
‘We guessed she wouldn’t stay,’ Holly told him conversationally. ‘Her bloody aunt. You know I went to school with Gina? Babs told the teachers, that first day... “She’s only here until I can find someone else to take her. Do
the best you can with her but if I can find someone on the mainland to take her, I will.” We all heard it. Gina had just lost her parents, and what sort of a welcome was that? It’s a wonder she came back at all.’
‘Yeah.’ He felt...grim was too small a word for it.
‘And the word is you’re nutty on her,’ Holly said, still in chatty mode, as if what she was saying was no big deal. ‘There’s been bets on whether she’d stay but I reckon she’s been kicked too often. It’d take more ’n romance to get a woman like that to trust enough to put down roots.’
Had their...attraction...seemed so obvious? ‘Holly...’
‘Yeah, it’s none of my business,’ Holly said blithely. ‘Ray says I’m always butting in where I’m not wanted. But you know, Doc, we managed without you before you came, and we could do it again. So, if you ever wanted to, I don’t know, head off for any reason...’ she glanced out at Hoppy, who was doing his normal thing, settled on a bench on the veranda, overlooking his world ‘...the Gannet doctors could deal here again, and there’d be a bunch of people lined up to look after your little dog. Me first in line. For a cause like that...’
‘A cause...’
‘Persuading her to come home,’ she said softly, and she gave a rueful grin. ‘Yeah, I know, my advice isn’t wanted, but I’m all for happy endings. You guys saved my Ray and if there’s anything we can do...’
There was a loaded silence where he tried to figure something to say—and couldn’t. Finally, she held up her hands, as if in surrender.
‘I know. Back off. I’ve said my bit, and it’s over to you. See you later, Doc, and thanks.’
And she was gone.
He stayed still until the screen door slammed after her. Until he heard her car head away down the road. Until the silence settled over the empty clinic.
He had someone else booked in, but they were running late. Dammit, he wanted them to be here, now. He needed to keep busy.
Instead he headed out to the veranda and stood looking out over the valley to the sea. He scratched Hoppy idly under his ear and Hoppy looked up and whined, as if he knew something was wrong but didn’t know what.
He knew what.
Gina, heading off to the Antarctic with a team of strangers. Gina, moving from one place to another, as she’d done all her life.
He’d asked her to stay.
‘It’d take more’n romance to get a woman like that to trust enough to put down roots.’
He’d put down roots, though. He’d settled on this island and he had no intention of leaving. He’d seen enough of what the world held...
Gina was out there, in the world.
She could be happy here, he thought. They could be happy. With his work, with this little clinic, with his house, secluded from the world...
His escape...
He’d asked her to escape with him, he thought. To stay safe.
But as he gazed out over the valley he thought suddenly, Define ‘safe’.
He’d come here to escape from horrors, from nightmares, from things the world had thrown at him.
For Gina, escape meant something different. He thought back to what Holly had said:
‘Babs told the teachers, that first day... “She’s only here until I can find someone else to take her. Do the best you can with her but if I can find someone on the mainland to take her, I will...”’
Gina’s nightmare wasn’t what the world could throw at her. Gina’s nightmare must surely be being rejected.
Hell.
A truck was pulling into the parking lot. Here was his next patient. He’d be busy for the rest of the morning. He had online work to do this afternoon and then there was his garden. Life could get back to normal.
His safe life could stay...safe.
Without Gina.
‘Hiya, Doc.’ The elderly farmer climbed out of the truck, stiffly because of advanced arthritis. ‘Lost Gina, hey? Just lucky for us you’re staying.’
Lucky.
He struggled to collect his thoughts. He was needed here. He wasn’t the waste of space Gina had thought he was when she’d first arrived.
But Gina...
She’d be at the airport at Gannet now, heading off to Sydney to join her boat. She was gone.
‘Hey, you with us, Doc?’ the farmer asked, and he caught himself.
‘Sorry, mate. Just thinking...of what comes next.’
‘My toe’s what comes next,’ the farmer told him. ‘I reckon I might have gout.’
‘Let’s have a look, then,’ Hugh told him. A gouty toe had to take precedence.
And then what?
Things were changing inside him. Stirring. Liberating?
Frightening?
‘Nothing to be frightened of,’ he said out loud and the farmer looked at him in alarm.
‘What, me toe? You’re not about to chop it off, are you, Doc?’
And that made him grin. ‘Nope,’ he reassured him. ‘I’m definitely not. But there might be other things that might need a bit of tweaking.’
‘Other things about me?’
‘Other things about me,’ Hugh told him, still grinning. He put a hand on the man’s shoulder. ‘Okay, mate, enough about me. Let’s look at this toe and then go from there.’
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Sydney, November 18th.
Australian Ship Icebreaker Two.
Departure: eight a.m.
Final team meeting before boarding.
GINA WAS STANDING to the side, watching as the team oversaw their belongings being loaded onto trolleys to be taken on board. This wasn’t just personal gear. Each member of this highly skilled team had a specific purpose for being here, so there was research gear to be loaded, as well as the massive provisioning.
She’d been onboard already, setting up her clinic, making sure she had things as safe as she could make them.
Which was never very safe. The Southern Ocean was one of the most treacherous places in the world, and she’d made this trip before. The seas tossed the boat around as if it were a flimsy toy. Almost every expedition resulted in minor injuries—and sometimes major ones.
She was good at her job, but she wanted to be better. These projects were chronically underfunded. It’d be great to have a doctor on board with them, but it was hardly ever possible. The responsibility was hers.
And then there was a stir at the doorway and the team leader entered. Erik Andersson was a burly, bearded hulk of a man, weathered by years of just this type of work.
He was followed by another man. Gina glanced past Erik—and then she froze.
Hugh.
‘Guys, listen up.’ Erik’s voice, trained by years of seagoing, boomed across the departure hall. ‘We have a passenger who might just become a crew member. This is Dr Hugh Duncan. He’s on board as a passenger until we reach Hobart, taking the two days to test his sea legs. If we can all be nice to him and his stomach’s kind, then we have ourselves a doctor for the trip. If he gets seasick, we’ll chuck him off at Hobart, but if everything goes right, Gina, we have you a colleague.’
He gripped Hugh’s shoulder and chuckled, the deeply satisfied laugh of someone who’d just made his team a whole lot safer. ‘So... You guys doing the steering—can you keep away from any nasty waves that might make him squeamish? The rest of you, I want you to make him welcome, and, if possible, don’t give him any work at all. Let him think it’s all a holiday until we get nicely clear of Hobart.’
What followed was a raucous cheer. Every team member knew he or she was taking a risk heading into such a remote environment. Many of them knew Gina and trusted her—she’d worked with this team before—but having both a doctor and a trained emergency nurse made them all much safer. There was a surge forward to greet him.
But Gina didn’t...surge. She couldn’t seem to do anything but stand exa
ctly where she was. Her body felt frozen.
‘Gina.’ Erik’s voice boomed out over the noise. ‘Doc tells me he’s worked with you before. His references say he’s good. You gonna agree and let us keep him on board?’
And everyone turned to her.
‘I might,’ she managed, fighting desperately to find words. Her eyes caught Hugh’s and held, and what she saw there... Don’t think it, she told herself desperately. Just...respond. Somehow. ‘I saw him fix a wombat’s leg once,’ she managed at last, and somehow she dredged up a grin. ‘If he can do that, then maybe he can fix the stuff we might throw at him.’
There was general laughter, and then the skipper of the boat announced boarding and Erik took Hugh to introduce him to the senior crew members.
She needed to supervise the medical gear. It was lucky she’d done this before, because she was working on automatic.
Hugh was here.
* * *
The hour before departure was always frantic, almost everyone using the guaranteed stability of harbour to unpack precious research equipment. Gina spent the time sorting medical supplies, trying to get her head to work...and failing. Erik seemed to be towing Hugh around the boat introducing him to everyone. She could hear Erik’s voice booming in the distance, Hugh’s muted replies.
And then the engines thrummed into life and she could hear no more. She finished what she was doing, then went up to the deck and stood in the bow as the boat left the harbour. Her mind seemed to have gone blank. So many questions.
She stood in the bow and waited.
‘Hey.’
He came up behind her and put a hand on her shoulder. Inevitably. That he was here... It’d been a shock, but somehow she’d known that what was between them couldn’t end with her running away.
She hadn’t been running, she reminded herself. She’d been sensible.
She’d been doing what she needed to keep herself safe.
So how to keep herself safe now?
‘H... Hey.’ Her voice didn’t come out right.
‘Pleased to see me?’
Healing Her Brooding Island Hero Page 16