The Gutfeld Monologues

by Greg Gutfeld

  We better do it fast: Their diapers are full.

  That was written nearly four years ago. Has it gotten worse? I can safely say, yes it has. Fact is, who would have predicted that speaking your mind is now considered hate speech on a college campus? Well, I guess I did. I guess my honorary PhD from Berkeley is lost in the mail? At least I still have my BA degree, although I think I left it somewhere in a bar along with my pants.

  March 20, 2015

  Gender, race, and climate, behold, the three horsemen of the liberal apocalypse, designed not to start a national conversation, but to stop a real one.

  I always wonder—do we really want a “national conversation”? Perhaps we actually prefer to have a nonconversation, as a way to express our opinions without having the headache of defending them. We used to go to the corner bar and unload on the stranger next to us. Now we can just find people just like us, who will nod in agreement. This is happening on both sides. And, of course, my side is right.

  With race, if you don’t agree that we are a racist country then you are a bigot, and therefore, you are evil.

  With gender, if you don’t see the patriarchal victimization of all women, you are a sexist and likely evil.

  If you question faulty climate models, you are a denier, a smear that puts you on par with Holocaust deniers. This crud persists due to an endless supply of enablers churning out tripe from their purchase in the media, teachers’ lounges, and soundstages.

  The good news is that the evil arts of division are imploding into parody as America mocks campus shirkers and race-baiting charlatans. The joke is on the left when all that is left is identity politics. So how do you kill off horsemen once and for all?

  Okay, kids, this is where the big suggestion comes in, and what likely became the winning message in 2016. Drum-roll, please . . . or not—I hate drumrolls (I prefer that my rolls be cinnamon).

  A call for unity might work. When race comes up, point out that a scab won’t heal if you keep picking at it.

  And, isn’t it sexist to expect women to care only about gender? What about foreign policy, unemployment, immigration . . . or is that just man stuff? And yes, climate does change, but the climate pause should give us all pause. So hopefully, years from now, we will look back at this time as if we were in a bad dream where a sense of self and country was turned inside out. We used to be one country. We can be one again. Let’s hope it’s not Greece.

  The call for unity is the fiery orange unicorn Trump rode in on: We aren’t a mix of warring factions, but simply, and clearly, Americans. Sadly, that message was regurgitated in the media as xenophobia. Or “nationalism.” Patriotism is now racist. Donald Trump still won, but make no mistake: We saw how many in media viewed this strategy as hate-mongering, when it was really just a return to proclaiming love for country. Here’s a question for you smartasses: Why is America the only country not allowed to be patriotic? Or to have borders? Even Greece gets those! Pericles or someone set them up, as I recall. I think I read it in Beowulf. Or in CliffsNotes. Who really reads Beowulf in its entirety? Even Beowulf put it down after three pages, and it was about him! One day we all must admit that Old English or medieval English sucks—the west Saxon dialect went extinct for a reason. It takes forever when texting.

  June 16, 2015

  This monologue covers that weird news story about Rachel Dolezal—that troubled white leftist who self-identified as black. She’s either nuts, savvy, or inspirational: nuts if she actually believes she’s black; savvy in realizing that she’ll get sympathy and fame from the left; inspirational in that I might now start self-identifying as a unicorn—or as Rachel Dolezal.

  On MSNBC, whatever that is, Michael Eric Dyson said Rachel Dolezal is blacker than Clarence Thomas. Roll it, Francine.

  Note, Francine is a fictitious person, just like Rachel!

  MICHAEL ERIC DYSON: You know those of us who talk about race as a social construct, that it is more complicated. It means that, she may be not African-American, but she certainly could be black in a cultural sense. She’s taken on the ideas, the identities, the struggles, she’s identified with them. I bet a lot more black people would support Rachel Dolezal than . . . Clarence Thomas.

  Awesome. He just admitted that ideology is a skin color. To him a white communist is blacker than a black business owner. By this logic, Dyson is whiter than Vanilla Ice. He wants you to accept “identity cross-dressing.” We could all play along, even Kareem Abdul-Jabbar said, let Rachel be black, never mind that she once sued a black college for discrimination because she was white, or that she was always the victim of alleged hate crimes. If she lies about race, is she lying about that?

  Or that you can choose your own color? How fun is that?

  And if she got her job and schooling due to race-based affirmative action, doesn’t that mean that an actual black person got passed over because of her? So why not have all of us identify as black and really level the playing field without having to actually do the work of ending discrimination? Just hire white girls who say they’re black!? Not sure Dyson would go for that.

  Funny thing: A few years ago I wrote a screenplay about a white guy [my age] who wakes up and decides he’s a black lesbian, and demands that everyone around him buy into his delusion. I never finished it. Reality beat me to it.

  But I thank Rachel. By exposing the limits of identity politics, she reveals the absurdity of those who cling to it. “I think, therefore, I am” does not apply to pigment. For one cannot claim experiences one never had.

  Rachel didn’t grow up as a black child.

  Unlike Steve Martin in The Jerk.

  Rachel pulled a racial Rosie Ruiz.

  Ruiz is the woman who hopped in at the last mile to win the Boston Marathon. Rachel simply cut to the finish line of the identity marathon. She hoped to illicitly gain from a lifetime as a black woman, which is the ultimate left-wing sin: cultural appropriation.

  Wear an Indian headdress at a concert. Have burritos at a college exchange. Activists will call you racist for incorporating other cultures. If so, then Rachel’s black persona must be the worst form of white privilege. I say that as a snake charmer from the Telugu community of Sri Lanka.

  Yes, I have no idea what that joke means at the end. I just enjoy saying the word “Telugu.” But the point is clear: The same people who condemn a white female child for dressing up as her Disney heroine Moana—a Polynesian princess—on Halloween will champion a white woman who adopts an entire false racial identity. It’s the ultimate in mindless illogical hypocrisy. Radical identity politics merchants announced that it was morally wrong for children to wear a costume for one day—yet, by all means, pretend you’re black if you’re a middle-aged lady with braids!

  Then again, expecting some sort of intellectual consistency among race-obsessed ideologues is like expecting legal objectivity from the North Korean Supreme Court—or the U.S. Ninth Circuit. Which I hear share notes and makeup tips.

  June 24, 2015

  So the Treasury has announced that it’s putting a woman on the ten-dollar bill. Originally, there was talk of putting a female on the twenty, but now it’s ten. Once again, women end up making half as much as men.

  LOL

  Alexander Hamilton has been on it for a long time. He had a good run. I wish him well, but truth be told, not a lot of people even remember who he is. Was he the guy with the tan? I don’t know.

  A shout-out to George Hamilton, who was fantastic in Love at First Bite—which, if you haven’t seen, I urge you to rush to Netflix and continue not to see it. His wife follows me on Twitter—not sure which wife, but I know it’s a wife.

  Put a woman on the ten? I’m all for it. We’ve done it before. Remember Susan B. Anthony? That really took off.

  We put her on coins—coins no one uses.

  But who cares, honestly? I’m beginning to sense that shared histories are, like, old—as the age of identity puts feelings above everything else. The result is an ambivalence toward the past
. They don’t really care. Could you build the Lincoln Memorial or the Washington Monument now? Hell, no. The debate would crumble into a war over white maleness and white privilege, and we’d scrap both for an empty field commemorating shame for our past.

  Wow, someone called the monument brouhaha, didn’t he? That someone is me. But also, probably a thousand others, too. I just happen to be writing a book! Don’t you wish you could turn off these comments?

  But it seems we decided to make it a woman without deciding who that woman should be. My suggestion for the ten, obviously: Caitlyn Jenner.

  For, ultimately, the best solution is a beloved modern symbol that resists the endless condemnation that always erupts later from activist professors and whiny students. With Jenner, you get a foolproof icon that no one dare question. Talk about getting change for a ten.

  Or how about Bo Derek, the perfect ten. Or be totally literal and have just ten bucks. You know, ten deer. By the way, there is no way the media would allow putting Caitlyn Jenner on a bill. Remember that before Bruce became Cait, he was a conservative Republican. And still is. A transgendered conservative? How do identity politics merchants deal with that? They can’t. That’s like finding out Mother Teresa’s a drug dealer—a male drug dealer. Anyway, Dana Perino met with Jenner at an event, and she said she was a fan of mine. Which means I see a reality show in our future.

  December 20, 2016

  Welcome back to “We’re All Racists.” MTV released a video that offers New Year’s resolutions for white guys. It’s so bad that it’s bad. Here are clips from the video:

  UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: First off, try to recognize that America was never “great” for anyone who wasn’t a white guy.

  Sorry, gotta interrupt here. . . . Okay, it wasn’t always so “great” for the vast majority of white guys either, Tinker Bell. They were too busy fighting wars and working themselves to death so you could make videos in college. Life sucked for so many people that I consider myself lucky that I’m living now—not then. Okay, sorry, carry on.

  UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Can we all just agree that “black lives matter” isn’t the opposite of “all lives matter”? Black lives just matter. There’s no reason to overcomplicate it.

  Sorry, back again—and sorry to confuse you, child, but we can’t all just agree—and it is rather complicated.

  UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Also, “blue lives matter” isn’t a thing.

  Sorry, so you’re telling us that cops’ lives don’t matter? Would love to see how that attitude changes when this paid actor gets his iPhone stolen on the L train.

  UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Learn what mansplaining is, and then stop doing it.

  UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, and if you’re a judge, don’t prioritize the well-being of an Ivy League athlete over the woman he assaulted.

  Sorry, as in the Duke case, genius?

  UNIDENTIFIED MALE: We all love Beyoncé. And yes, she’s black, so of course she cares about black issues. I’m talking to you, Fox News.

  Isn’t it hilarious when losers with no pedigree of achievement are lecturing YOU on how to act? Do any of these actors have anything on their résumé besides “nonspeaking waiter” role on Two Broke Girls?

  Now, I’d call that a pile of crap, but why insult crap? This slick video is straight from the social justice warrior canon. Campus babble spooned like strained carrots into the mouths of the mentally infantile, disguised as thought, but really just moronic mantras repeated by smug goons whose idea of intellectual achievement is retweeting Katy Perry while they sniff their puffy fingers.

  Their goal must be to elect Donald Trump. By smearing whites as dumb aggressors, trashing cops, and mocking interracial friendships, they make leftists seem more noxious than ever.

  Look, I was wrong a lot on a lot of stuff, but here is where I saw that glimmer of the pendulum swing toward Trump, resulting from the left demonizing decent Americans. Entitled media elitists lecturing you about how awful you are and how awful your country is could only lead to a powerful rebound. The country got sick of it, and registered its sickness at the voting booth.

  So wait, maybe I loved this video.

  In the quest for PC obedience, MTV has found a group of people whose smarmy repulsiveness transcends all identity. I didn’t see black, white, straight, or gay in that video. I just saw “loser.” And the more they talk, the more they lose.

  But perhaps that’s the goal: creating a new victim group, the loser class.

  Their goal: to demand special preference for those who just aren’t very good. As failures who see excuses instead of opportunities, the loser class are victims of your success, because they just can’t keep up.

  So congrats to the stars of this video. You’re the poster children for deadbeats.

  Can MTV please air an update of this video? Preferably of these same actors on election night? Because their lines were part of the very attitude that got Trump elected. Congrats, brats—mission accomplished! But how can you ever show your face at Burning Man again? The shame! You delivered Ohio!

  Where Are We Now?

  You’d think after their debacle in 2016, the Democrats would run screaming from any remaining shard of identity politics. Instead, their most vocal faction—the people you see on TV, at marches, and showing up screaming at Trump properties—seem to be tripling down on this divisive, pernicious twaddle. If they continue on this march to madness, they will do all the work needed in staying out of power. I hope the country resists the desire to elevate identity over achievement, but I’m not entirely optimistic. For so many people, it just feels better to shout “It’s your fault,” instead of “We’re in this thing together.”

  And I’m guilty of this, too. Or, at least I was, when I was younger. Fact is, when you stumble into an ideology or belief that offers you something bigger, you become instinctively tribal. The key is to notice when it’s happening. Tribes are helpful in that they create comfort and order—a protection against chaos. But they also prevent you from interacting with people who hold different opinions, and can lead ultimately to conflict and death.

  On an up note, more and more of my liberal friends are seeing the toxicity of identity politics and the weird hyperintolerant, vaguely violent direction of virtue signaling.

  Virtue signaling, in short, is defined as an obvious display to others that you are obedient and subservient to any prevailing identity demand. For example, tweeting, “As a white woman, I will not go see the film Black Panther, because I don’t want to upset the audience members who are black and who do not wish to see me and pollute their experience.” That’s pure virtue signaling. Where does it ultimately lead?

  Something of this nature actually was tweeted—but I’m summarizing here.

  If you do not amp up your allegiance to the dogma of postmodern identity tribalism, daily, then even falling behind on the accepted genuflections can make you the enemy. At some point virtue signaling might result in your own self-flagellation in the town square. You might not go for that. (Me, on the other hand . . . it’s kind of a dream!)

  CHAPTER TWO

  LAW AND ORDER

  So, after eight years of being told that law enforcement is the problem, what would you expect the American public might be thirsty for? A communist? An Occupy Wall Streeter? An adorable wallaby dressed in overalls that answers only to the name Captain Wuffles?

  No, it was someone to tell you that it was all bullshit. And that, in fact, if it weren’t for law enforcement doing all the shit we refuse to do, we wouldn’t have a country. We would have anarchy in the streets; pain and suffering everywhere. Like Raqqa, but with beer summits.

  Bottom line: The police are the first people there, on the scene, when the scene ain’t good. As for those protesters who show up later? Well, say, during a generic bungled robbery when a poor cop is forced to make a hair-trigger decision, these activists were on their respective couches tweeting about how racist hotel shampoo is. (This actually happened. Please google it.)

  If you
want to discover another reason America elected Donald Trump, it was the braying club who sought to demean those who protect and serve. These monologues chronicle this toxic mindset—for a reason. Because I think we all knew that if this psychological, media-driven abuse were to continue unfettered, we wouldn’t have a country left.

  Sure, we were dealing in “boutique” protests—a hysterical group of activists shouting here, a confluence of students weeping there—but it was building, mainly because it went unchallenged in the media. And ultimately, the protests created a deleterious result: The cops walked away, or were told to walk away, from the danger zones—what became known as “the Ferguson effect.” The theory is that the increased scrutiny of police that came after the 2014 shooting of Michael Brown in Ferguson is purported to have led to a jump in murder rates in major U.S. cities.

  What you saw was more crime—more shootings, more murder—in places like Chicago, especially. The activists claim to be protecting minorities from police brutality; instead they made such communities vulnerable to those who preyed upon them—the criminals. The entire police force became unfairly accused of actions performed by a tiny minority, and when scrutinized further, even these actions at times seemed like unfortunate, tragic outcomes that occur during chaotic events.

  My monologues record the nonsense.