by Greg Gutfeld
Ayers wanted to kill innocent people. So the only difference was that the Boston guys were good at what Ayers was bad at.
Ayers said it would be, quote, “inappropriate to include that in his talk,” meaning it would expose him for the scumbag that he is. When faced with the immorality of his action, he championed relativism by saying, and I quote, “The United States is the most violent country that has ever been created.” I guess he’d know.
So as the authorities struggled to find a place to put the corpse of the Boston bomber, I have one suggestion—why not in Ayers’s living room, as a constant reminder of what could have been, or maybe what should have been.
Just think about it: It’s entirely possible that if that Boston bomber had lived, he’d get a teaching position at a top college in America. (Maybe there’s still a chance for his younger brother.) Because over time, we start to “empathize” and “identify” with those who want us dead. It must be us who are at fault! How else could Ayers have a job, when in reality, he should be in prison until he’s dead. Remember, he’s only free because he failed. He’s only around because the people who died were on his team. He teaches because they’re dead. Some hero. And another thing: Not too long before Andrew Breitbart’s death, Andrew bought a dinner ticket to dine with Ayers at his home as some part of a charity gimmick. Andrew told me that Ayers and his wife maintained an aloof, bemused politeness. Poor Ayers: It must have been weird to be in the presence of a true revolutionary, a real bomb thrower who changed the world for the better.
April 29, 2014
So, two Dartmouth Greek groups have nixed a fundraiser for heart patients, because one student didn’t like the Mexican theme—the “Phiesta” was to have burritos and guac. But Alpha Phi and Phi Delta Alpha scrapped it after a self-described Mexican-born, United States–raised first-generation woman of color called it “cultural appropriation” and won, because that’s all you need these days to kill the fun.
There’s nothing less fun than championing your identity, unless it’s hanging out with someone who champions their identity.
Said the Phi Delt president, quote, “The possibility of offending even one member of the Dartmouth community was not worth the potential benefits of having the fundraiser.”
You wimp.
Now my buddy Joe traces this idiocy to two words that start every self-absorbed student’s complaint, “as a.” You know, “As a Native American lesbian, I’m outraged,” “As a feminist ambisexual pole vaulter, I am speechless,” “As a sequential hermaphroditic Icelander, I am devastated.” It’s too much.
And, as a height-challenged loudmouth of German descent, I’ve had it. No more Oktoberfest, then. I find the tight-fitting hosiery a mockery of my people.
Plus, I get this weird rash. Go to my website—the photos are all high-def.
As a rule, we should all be outraged by bigotry. I get it. But this ain’t it. Students seem more consumed by identity than by industry. And the campus feeds the attention-seeking, which is why a place once safe for speech is now the flagship for the feeling fascists.
I get paid extra for alliteration—it’s in my contract.
College is the IKEA of intolerance, where one comes to build a fragile identity, incapable of withstanding the slightest words. I’d call them a bunch of “P” words, but that’s been banned on campus, too.
Identity politics is the enemy of fun. It’s cancer of the funny bone. What kind of entity would kill a charity luncheon meant to help sick folks? An engine of antifun, of course. And it wouldn’t end there.
Think about killing a fundraiser because only one person is offended. Isn’t this insane? Does that mean that anyone can complain about anything the university does and it gets canceled? What if someone complained about football? Does that just go away? Highly unlikely. Especially if the complaint came from a non–justice warrior. No activity would ever be canceled because a conservative was offended. Which is cool. Because why would we give a damn?
IKEA of intolerance . . . it’s true. You go to school and build a flimsy bookcase of stacked identity defenses. All identity and no work ethic—the modern-day social justice crybabies, swaddled in sweatpants and clutching iPhones, have only one talent: shout at strangers just trying to get to their real jobs.
July 16, 2014
A Pew poll, my favorite kind, finds that 43 percent of eighteen- to twenty-nine-year-olds think socialism is okay. Meanwhile, 86 percent of their grandparents don’t. So, why the gap?
Well, Reason magazine reports that millennials think socialism is better than a government-managed economy, even though socialism is a government-managed economy, and that’s the point. As long as you don’t know what socialism is, you’re fine with it. Once you explain it, however, people run. Again, like President Obama. Which explains why older folks detest this crud. They remember history and its bad guys all too well. These days, socialism is the sugar-coated answer to coldhearted capitalism. Socialism is “let’s share” to capitalism’s “don’t care.”
I always find it a good thing to rhyme at least once or twice a week. I learned that from Nipsey Russell when he used to be on Match Game.
No surprise. This silliness peaks in college. That incubator filled with academics who disguise coercion as compassion. They probably celebrated July Fourth because it’s Tokyo Rose’s birthday.
Score!
On campus, it’s the leftists’ job to keep kids in the dark, because when they’re in the real world, the drugs wear off. Except in the media, where bad ideas are kept alive by the incubator’s star pupils, which leaves the real work up to you and me, all of us here. To deprogram the brainwash, you must persuasively show them why capitalism means freedom, how a paycheck is yours and not Obama’s, and that real compassion is defined by opportunity and not entitlement.
We’ve got our work cut out for us.
I admit, for a while there, Obama was my personal piñata. And I actually like the guy. I just hated his policies. And I hated the way he expressed them—as if you were not to question them at all, as if they were just naturally right, and his opinion was not to be questioned. The complete opposite of Trump, who treats his opinions as simply that. Opinions. If you don’t like ’em, you might be right. So what. He changes his mind as often as I change my socks (three times a week).
September 1, 2014
A website created a list of rookie mistakes that freshmen make in their first week in college. Most of it was stupid stuff like locking yourself out of your dorm room. The real mistakes, in my opinion?
Not forcing students to learn these four things:
Number one, where stuff comes from, or rather how things are made.
Number two, how stuff gets paid for—like your tuition, iPad, and prescription medication.
Number three: Why most of the world is still a mess, as America prospers—for now.
If you teach these three things, then every anti-West professor on campus looks like a moron, which is why they avoid such truths. And you must learn them on your own.
Shit—did I forget the fourth thing?
The fourth thing one must learn, and it’s important: Do not mistake sheep for rebels.
Whew, there it is—that gave me a scare!
You’ll be swamped by people who claim that they’re outspoken and edgy. They will try to impress their differences on you as a method of expressing their fake uniqueness. They will wish to raise awareness and debate gender politics loudly. They will wear victimhood as a badge of honor, when it’s just a substitute for identity. It’s an alluring shtick, and weaker minds and spines fall for it.
Identity politics is the 7-Eleven of self-esteem, a quick stop where you choose to become whoever you are. But if it’s so easy, how could it be unique? How could it mean anything? Like all ideologies, it creates a dead mind. It stops thought, the kind that challenges their narrow view.
So while they go to college, their minds atrophy.
So here’s my tip, when the lockstep co
mes lurking, masquerading as rebellion, tell them you got over that in kindergarten.
A pretty weak ending; but a strong message for college students: Proclaiming one’s identity, if it’s done by everyone, is merely sheep in wolves’ clothing. If everyone’s doing it, how is it in any way dangerous? You’re following the herd.
Anyway, I find both sheep and wolves deeply disturbing. It’s why I moved to the city. Where the rats are the size of sheep and wolves. Bottom line: When we make the “group” more important than the “individual,” it never ends well. For more on this, see “Stalinism.”
October 1, 2014
Hooray, cold-blooded cop killer Mumia Abu-Jamal has been picked as commencement speaker at Vermont’s Goddard College. Now, if you never heard of this college, here’s why. They suck balls.
Again—I can’t believe I said that. I wonder if the transcription is inaccurate. If I actually said “They suck balls,” I think I would have been sent home for the week, and as punishment forced to watch nothing but The View.
Sacrificing morality before the altar of cool, using dialogue to mock the dead, they claim that their graduating students had decided that they wanted Mumia to be their commencement speaker, and it’s the policy as a college “that advocates for complicated dialogue around complex issues.”
So based on that: Would they invite, say, Newt Gingrich to speak? Or even President Trump? No? Not “complicated” or “complex” enough? What academic BS.
Here’s a quote from some dude on Megyn Kelly’s show:
The old show from her FNC days.
The graduating students believe that Mumia has a message coming from prison, from a unique perspective, and speaks to issues that are important to them, that are important in a world where we have Ferguson . . . where we have police brutality, where these issues are real and in their lives.
Yeah, he does have a lesson. Don’t shoot cops if you don’t want to die in jail.
I think the technical term for that is “hooey.” So you call a cop killer’s words “a unique perspective”? You just became a heinous cheerleader for a criminal whose victims still walk the earth. Like Maureen Faulkner, the widow of the officer Mumia had killed in 1981.
Here she is, on Megyn’s show.
FAULKNER: My husband was in a community college. He was getting ready to graduate with his bachelor’s degree when Mumia put a bullet into his back and then between his eyes. But does anybody talk about that? No.
Now I get why it’s cool to invite this loser, this murderer, to speak. Radicalism is what many of today’s college students have instead of actual achievement. But would they have cast their vote in front of Maureen? Of course not; they’re cowards who likely don’t know real suffering, because if they did, they wouldn’t do this.
Meanwhile, Yale is welcoming an Islamist cleric, who’s preached death against us—weeks after students there protested the invitation to Ayaan Hirsi Ali, a victim of that ideology’s gruesome mutilations.
So campuses embrace bombers like Bill Ayers, cop killers like Mumia, and misogynist creatures of death, and they charge parents thousands for this privilege. Only in America: where you can earn a degree in hate and still call it tolerance.
That earns a “nice line” award from the Nice Line Award Association.
Forget quarantining Ebola: Quarantine Yale and Goddard. That kind of thinking is deadlier than any disease.
Why parents continue to shell out big bucks to send their kids to these hate factories is beyond even an evil genius like me. I think, maybe in ten years, we won’t even be talking much about colleges anymore. Colleges will become like magazines. Cute to have around, and pass the time until something more interesting comes along.
February 17, 2015
A student at Brown University wants the ROTC banned, calling it state-sanctioned violence and its cadets, criminals.
Last week Brown partnered with the navy and air force ROTC, prompting junior Peter Makhlouf—or Maklauf, who cares—to vomit this in his school paper, quote, “By outlawing our ROTC, we have the opportunity to maintain a tradition of refusing to capitulate to the increasing demands of military engagement in today’s global agenda.”
What a joke. And what language. That lockstep cultspeak that marks an all-brain-free rhetoric that’s often passed on like a pox from its petulant professors. He could be a White House spokesperson.
I can’t remember who I was knocking with that joke.
Now, this is just one brat, but it would be fun to see such kids experience life without an American military. No cozy dorms, no iPods, just them and ISIS. The only selfie stick would be their own head on a stake.
But this little hack represents the vapid ideology that lets evil grow. It’s an anti-West movement that gives tenure to terrorists, while condemning those who protect them.
Dismiss it if you must, but given that campus-approved progressivism offers a zip-line from school to statecraft, it’s just a leap from the paper to the presidency. Seriously, how else did we end up with so many lightweights in the White House? Lightweights who stand between us and the heathens. This kid, after all, is just a chip off the old Barack.
There I go again, hitting Obama. Although, it’s not entirely unjustified. Obama is a progressive, and part of being a progressive is the belief that America is an oppressive monolith, and the military helps maintain its oppressiveness. Still, that last line was only there for pun purposes. Although it’s true—he was surrounded by lightweights, who, when compared to Obama, seemed a little heavier. I mean—how was Ben Rhodes dictating policy? He should be running a Foot Locker. [Actually, that’s an insult to Foot Locker.]
March 6, 2015
Questions were raised whether a Jewish student should be allowed to join a student council at UCLA. She was temporarily blocked by students who felt her Jewishness would cloud her judgment. Take a close listen, close listen takers.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE SPEAKER: Given that you are a Jewish student and very active in the Jewish community, how do you see yourself being able to maintain an unbiased view as your position?
Yes. That actually happened. In 2015 on a campus in America, a Jewish student being told her Jewishness is a conflict of interest as if she was in the Klan or something.
So here’s a game. Let’s replace “Jewish” with “gay” and repeat the bigotry. Quote, “Given that you are a gay student and very active in the gay community, how do you see yourself being able to maintain an unbiased view?” You can only imagine saying that, because you’d never say that. If you did, you’d be expelled. Not from school, but from the galaxy. You’d have to relocate to Andromeda under an assumed name and face.
This “imagine if you said this about X” argument is repetitive, but only because it’s a fair point. Imagine saying what Chelsea Handler says about Republican women, but about liberal women. Imagine saying what celebs can say about Trump, but say it about Obama. Imagine saying what you can say about rats but say it about hamsters! Yes, it’s getting tiresome, but that’s what you get when your beloved author overdelivers!
Suddenly, the diversity that lockstep leftists once loved is now loathed, an example of how they reject dogma when it conflicts with their own bigotry. Different backgrounds before meant new perspectives. But Jewish, your background, that equals bias.
You can blame the rise of anti-Israel fervor on activist groups, professors, and outside agitators. The same people who show up at anticop rallies, as well. And they use that issue to excuse plain-as-day prejudice, which is really an expression of these bigots’ own failures. To put it bluntly, they blame the Jews for not falling for the same PC crap they did.
An update to this story: The four members who voted against her actually apologized. But—this is the best part—they did so after a faculty adviser had to point out that it’s okay to be in a Jewish organization! I think they apologized because they were caught. But what do I know? Spoiler alert: a lot!!
Meanwhile [or rather, right now], some promin
ent Democrats are finally having to answer for their lovefest with notorious anti-Semite Louis Farrakhan. I kid, they’re actually not having to answer for a damn thing. Unlike David Duke [his white racist counterpart], the media doesn’t mind Lou’s bigotry. Kudos to Jake Tapper for dogging everyone on this story. Here’s my observation: Ask any liberal about Farrakhan, and he’ll say, “He’s a marginal figure; no one takes him seriously.” Ask the same liberal about David Duke or Richard Spencer, and he’ll say, “Oh, he’s representative of the sizable racist wing of the Republican Party!” Why do they do that? Because they’re trying to cover their asses, and protect their own.
March 25, 2015
Last week the New York Times examined safe spaces at colleges, which are secluded spots made for students to keep their feelings from being hurt by different viewpoints. In these comfort bubbles, people refrain from making jokes for fear of bruising someone’s delicate sensibilities. This is not shocking. As the modern era shows, if a fact hurts your feelings, the feelings win.
In fact, safe spaces are designed to turn emotions into medical conditions.
That’s the clearest diagnosis: We’ve turned emotions into medical conditions! And that, in turn, is now a medical condition. I call it “Gutfeld syndrome,” since I invented it. I want something named after me, so it might as well be an illness.
If you can claim that an idea scars your well-being, fearful administrators will suppress the point of view. Ultimately, that leads to speakers’ being disinvited and apologies made about everything.