by Lara Swann
My eyes drift closed as neither of us says anything, still breathing heavily.
Still overwhelmed by how fucking good that felt.
And before my mind can catch up, my body’s exhaustion takes over.
Spent and sated and thoroughly satisfied.
Chapter Eleven
Cassie
As soon as I wake up the next morning, I realize what I’ve done.
I fucked my best friend.
That’s all it takes for panic to set in.
Very carefully, I detach myself from where he’s still sleeping beside me, sending furtive glances back to make sure I haven’t disturbed him.
When I finally make it out of the bed and gently replace the covers, I step back and shiver.
The room is still fucking cold.
And the piece-of-shit AC is still bumbling away, blaring more chilled air out at me.
I send it a glare, as if it’s the only reason I’m in this mess at all, and wrap my arms around myself as I dance on my toes.
Sometime last night, all those night clothes fell by the wayside and now I’m unmistakably bare.
Yes, when—
I force those images out of my mind and look back at Josh, his expression peaceful and smooth, with the hint of a smile curving his lips that I don’t even want to guess at.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
The reality of what we’ve done hits me like a tidal wave, and my heart sinks into my stomach.
He shifts, just a little, and that’s all I need to wake me up properly.
I flee to the bathroom, shutting the door as quietly as I can, and then slamming the lock.
I lean against it, goosebumps spreading across my body from the cold, and close my eyes.
It would be so much easier if the ground just swallowed me whole right now.
It doesn’t.
Instead I’m left wondering how long it will be until he wakes up. Until I have to meet his eyes, knowing what we did. Picturing it so vividly in my mind.
And knowing that…seeing him lying there this morning, one leg splayed out from under the covers, hair flopping down over his eyes…
All I wanted was to do it again.
I feel stretched and sore and used in all the best ways, and every time those images of last night flash before my eyes, I can feel the answering throb deep inside me. The need for his gorgeous, thick cock to fill me again.
If it was anyone else - anyone else - I’d call it an awesome night of sex, go around smiling smugly all day, and try and arrange for a second round sometime.
But it’s not.
It’s Josh.
And…I have no idea what that means.
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
We weren’t supposed to fuck for real.
Even if I’ve been thinking about it…more than I should.
Fuck it.
Reluctantly, I stumble over to the sink and finally splash some water on my face. It doesn’t quite wake me up from some crazy-improbable dream like I’m hoping, but it does remind me how fucking cold I am.
I shiver again, and then step into the shower, giving in to the idea that the day is going to continue either way, and I can’t hide in here forever.
The warm spray makes me sigh in relief, and as I wash I find my hand creeping lower, touching the puffy, sensitive folds of my pussy as my mind drifts back to last night.
It shouldn’t, and I shouldn’t let it. But I can’t help myself.
It was so fucking good.
Of course Josh had to actually be right about how fucking good he is in bed.
The idea of it has never been the slightest bit more than an amusement before, but for some reason this week has screwed with my mind.
And after last night…I have no idea how we can continue as if nothing has happened.
Or if you even want to continue as if nothing has happened.
I gasp a little as I push two fingers inside, a poor comparison to the thickness of his cock only hours earlier, but enough of a reminder to have me leaning back against the shower wall, my thumb circling my clit as I imagine the way he fucked me - a slow, infuriating build to something so deliciously hard, fast and rough that I can still feel it today.
The usual slow, sensual climb towards pleasure comes a lot faster this time, heat rushing through my body and my pussy clenching hard around my fingers as I finally let all the thoughts and feelings and sensations that I’d been pushing away overwhelm me and take me higher.
I bite my lip to keep from crying out as I imagine Josh kneeling before me in the shower, his tongue and fingers working me as I hold onto him, quivering with pent up lust and need.
Oh, fuck.
It all comes over me much quicker than I’d anticipated, the sudden rushing pleasure making me shake and shudder under the warm spray as my body tenses with my climax.
By the time my eyes open, I’m breathing raggedly and trying to calm my racing heartbeat, my head still spinning from how high I got so quickly.
It takes another few minutes before I can focus enough to finish in the shower, my body feeling slightly weak and not wanting to work properly.
I can feel my pussy aching and throbbing with the aftereffects, and as I rinse myself off, my mind wanders to the sight of Josh’s impressive cock far more than it should.
Well, that didn’t fix any of my problems.
In fact, it might have made them worse.
But I feel better anyway.
At least until I finally wrap a towel around my body and leave the safety of the bathroom - to find Josh leaning against the wall opposite, waiting for me.
I freeze, immediately wondering whether he’d heard me only moments ago. I was quiet, deliberately quiet, but still…
I feel myself flush all the way up to my ears, and hope to god that it’s covered by the pink tinge of my skin from the shower. Or that he just puts it down to what we did last night.
Yes, because that’s a good alternative.
I meet his gaze, and he smiles.
That same cocky smile I’ve seen so many times before.
The morning-after ‘I just got laid’ smile. The one that always told me what he’d been up to the night before.
The one we’d laughed about together.
My stomach twists, and suddenly all I can think about is all those girls. All the ones that came before me. And will come after.
And now you’re one of them.
The awkwardness that I’d just started to shake off a little comes rushing back, and I step away from the bathroom door without brushing past him.
His smile quirks up in the corner, and I swear I can see the amusement in his expression as he walks into the now-vacant bathroom.
Bastard.
I get dressed quickly as I hear the water start running in the bathroom, and then pace back and forward in the room, trying to calm down. I can’t tell whether I’m pissed off, embarrassed, horny or…what. But it’s not good.
And it doesn’t help that that smile is sexy as fuck, and there’s part of me that still wants to jump him.
I run my hands through my hair and glance at the bathroom doorway again.
We should have a proper conversation about this.
Work out what on earth just happened, what it means, and how the fuck it’s going to affect what we do in front of my family.
But for the first time I can remember, I feel awkward and uncomfortable around Josh. And I can’t even work out what I want, or how that conversation should end.
So I do the only thing I can think of. I decide to avoid it entirely.
I knock on the door on my way out, and call out to him.
“I’m going to breakfast early.”
I don’t bother explaining why. I’m sure it’s obvious. And anything I could say would only look worse.
Then I leave before he can respond.
The moment I’m out of our room, my whole body relaxes just a little, and I sigh with relief.
Part
of it is the reassuring warmth of the hallway around me, but I’d be lying if I said it was the main reason.
Now just to get through…what, the day? The rest of the week?
I try to switch my mind off from the relentless thoughts - and the moment I arrive at breakfast, I find the perfect solution.
“Ellie! Lucas!” I give them a wide smile that doesn’t quite match the way I’m feeling, and they have the innocence to believe it.
I slide into the seat in between them both and smile briefly at Maria opposite before starting a rapt conversation with her two kids. I can see her looking slightly bemused, but she doesn’t question me, and after a few minutes of playing with their food and trying to encourage them to eat it, my mood starts to settle a little.
It’s always been like that for me. However I’m feeling, once I start focusing on caring for someone else, my own problems don’t seem to matter so much. Part of the reason I always wanted to be a doctor.
It’s not until Josh walks in and the conversation in the room ebbs that I look up from the slightly nonsensical discussion I’m having with Lucas.
Josh glances over at me, notices the full table around me - another benefit of being wedged in between Ellie and Lucas - and our eyes meet for a brief moment before I look away, turning back to the kids.
Another moment, and he finds a space at the other end of the table. I breathe a faint sigh of relief, and try to focus on exclaiming over the snap, crackle and pop! of Ellie’s cereal.
“Hey, have you two had a fight or something?” Beth’s voice from the other side of the table, directed at Josh but as loud and blunt as ever.
I can sense him looking over this way, and that pit in my stomach expands as I feel like everyone’s attention is on me. The last thing I want is for anyone to pick up on what’s going on - even if I was the one that abandoned Josh for my niece and nephew.
“I’d hardly call it a fight.” Josh says, and I wince at the irritation in his tone. “We’re just grumpy from spending the night in an ice-room. Should never have let a woman touch the AC.”
I blink, stopping mid-sentence as it takes me a moment to realize what the hell he’s talking about.
Of course.
Josh is, ever reliably, continuing our charade. The one where we’re supposed to fall out with each other and eventually break up.
Which just so happens to give us a perfect cover for barely talking to each other all day.
Ohh, thank god.
Relief overwhelms me and I think I could kiss him.
Except, of course, that’s how I got into this shit in the first place.
“Auntie Cassss?” Ellie asks, her brow furrowed. “Are you okay?”
I give her a weak smile and nod, trying not to listen to the rest of the conversation at the other end of the table, but catching it anyway.
“Ohhh, that must have been terrible. I don’t know how you coped, Josh.” A giggle from the far end of the table distracts me, and I glance over to see a girl - one of Beth’s friends, I think - rubbing Josh’s shoulder. “Though I know what I would’ve done to keep warm…”
My ears burn as I catch that comment, but the embarrassment is overwhelmed by a strange discomfort.
I’m pretty sure Josh is just playing the part we’ve planned. He doesn’t mean anything by the comments about the AC - he’s not actually irritated. And he’s never cared before about my piss-poor skills with technology.
But…for some reason, I’m suddenly not sure. The way they’re talking over there, as if I’m not even here…my stomach twists with a mixture of uneasiness and irritation.
And I don’t even know the girl he’s talking to - the one looking at him like that. I’m fairly sure I’m being irrational, but I don’t like seeing her beside Josh.
I don’t even know her, and I’ve got no idea why she’s still here. Beth’s party ended two days ago and all the other guests have left by now.
“Are you okay, Cassie?” Maria’s question is quieter than her daughter’s, but obviously concerned as she looks at me.
I turn back to Maria and her kids with a start, embarrassed to have been caught in my distraction.
“Yeah…” I say, knowing I’m not convincing, but okay with giving that impression. “Yeah, it’s fine. Just…one of those things.”
I shrug and give a half-smile, reaching over to squeeze her hand. She frowns, and glances back towards where Josh and mystery-girl are still discussing my failings.
“You know, you can always talk—”
My Mom stands up and waves her arms around in an obvious attempt to get attention, cutting Maria’s comment off. I give her a reassuring smile anyway, grateful for the interruption. Telling Maria more about the ‘issues’ Josh and I might be having would probably be useful, but I’m not sure I’m in a fit state for it right now.
“Okay, everyone.” Mom starts. “So, since the weather is so nice today—”
“It’s been nice every day, hasn’t it?” Beth interrupts, and Mom sends a scowl her way for a moment.
“Well, yes, okay. But we have a bit of time today, and everyone is around—” That comment prompts another scowl in my direction, probably for our unauthorized disappearance yesterday. “—we thought we should visit that old lake we used to, remember kids? Henry and I brought the kayaks, too, and with John’s Jeep, we have enough off-road trucks to take everything down. What do you think?”
She beams at us, and I actually smile back. For once, it’s actually a great idea.
It gets an enthusiastic response from everyone else too - and a couple of squeals from Ellie and Lucas after John whispers a translation to them.
That ends breakfast pretty quickly, and we all rush to get organized.
John joins us as we head back to our room, promising to look at the AC, and finally works out how to shut the damn thing off while Josh and I gather swimwear, towels and everything else I can think of, with as little discussion as possible.
I think at first that it might be part of the act, but our unusual silence persists even after John leaves and we’re alone together again.
Either he’s worked out that I don’t feel ready to talk about what happened, or he doesn’t have a clue what to say too.
He doesn’t seem quite as uncomfortable as me, but he’s not trying to bridge the gap that’s opened between us either - or touch me the way he has the last few days.
I try really hard to ignore the part of me that’s missing that.
* * *
I lean back on the blanket and look up at the stunning blue sky, breathing deeply.
I love it out here. I always have.
Ellie and Lucas are running around giggling and playing, and the rest of my family is either eating or already lying around comatose after over indulging in the picnic Maria threw together.
And for once, everyone even seems to be getting on.
Apart from Josh and I, of course.
I glance up, looking for him, and my eyes land on him right away.
Leaning against a tree just a few meters away, reading a dog-eared copy of Hamlet and looking for all the world like a sexy English professor. The kind I could easily picture getting stern for a moment over some misconception about his beloved literature - and then laughing at renewed understanding the next, eyes shining and tousled hair bouncing over his firm brow.
For fuck’s sake. Stop it.
I try to chastise myself, but I can’t even help it anymore. After last night…I can’t get the thoughts out of my head.
I glance away before he notices the attention - or my reaction becomes even more dangerous, sitting here surrounded by my family.
I try and watch the water instead, to distract me, and relax a little as it starts working.
I’ve always found it calming here, the slight breeze emphasizing the current of the large body of water. We call it a lake because it’s calm and large enough that it could almost be one, but it’s got a river feeding it from the slight incline further into t
he trees, and further down, it ends in a small fall over the crest of the pasture we’re sitting on.
We’ve been coming here ever since I can remember, and just thinking about that makes me smile and takes me back.
Learning to skim stones with mockery-disguised-as-lessons from Mark. Trying to build a dam - yes, across the whole damn lake - and falling in with Maria. Even playing at pirates with Beth, back when she was cute and sweet and far less insufferable.
I turn back to our little gathering, those memories on the tip of my tongue and wanting to share them…with the same person I always have.
Josh. My friend.
I look over at him again, and for once the idea of interrupting his book-born reverie with whatever bubbly thought occurs to me seems impossible.
The urge dies as quickly as it was formed, and I sigh instead, picking at the grass to the side of me and reaching for another chip.
I just don’t know how to relate to him. As a friend, a fake girlfriend or…as whatever we were last night. None of it makes sense, and I don’t even know how to begin to approach it.
Every time I think I have a handle on how I feel, and that I could go up to him, smile and be any semblance of normal, the same thing pulses through my head.
This is Josh…who you’re attracted to.
And I can’t reconcile those two separate ideas at all.
“Cassie?”
I glance up to see concern all over Maria’s expression as she looks between Josh and I.
I just shrug, trying to indicate that my current turmoil as I try to work out what Josh really is to me now is just one of those things.
“I was just thinking about all the things we used to do, coming here.” I say, trying to deflect her question.
But then Mark joins in enthusiastically, and my smile turns more genuine. He nudges Anne with the same instinct I had to share with Josh, and then the four of us start telling stupid stories about when we were kids.
It’s a fun distraction from the endless circling thoughts about Josh, and after a while I actually start to relax and enjoy myself again. I haven’t caught up with Maria and Mark like this for a long time.