by Lara Swann
Irritation flickered through me again at the emphasis of his speech, and I couldn’t help feeling a little overlooked as all eyes turned to Cora, who stood there magnificently in a floor-length rose-and-cream gown. Usually, I couldn’t care less about what he said or who got the credit for putting these things together, but I’d worked particularly hard this year and Cora…hadn’t always made things easier.
I ‘got’ it. This was the first time he was really introducing his fiancee to all of his friends and acquaintances, and his focus and attention was on her, but still…it smarted a little.
Shaking my head, I moved away from the center stage as food and drinks started being served more actively, the noise in the room ramping up as people started catching up with old acquaintances. It didn’t matter - he wasn’t really the one I’d done it for anyway. At that thought, I glanced over towards the corner the Navy guys had been stood in before, but they’d disappeared without me noticing. Kaylee was doing her usual mingling, so evidently hadn’t gone with them, and I guessed maybe they’d decided to base themselves outside. It was certainly a lovely night, and I knew Seth had no patience for the politicking going on in here - I doubted any of his friends would feel differently.
Forgetting about my father, I resolved to have a good time with the one person here I did want to talk to - even if tonight it had to be as brother and sister.
I turned toward the exit - and got waylaid by an old family friend who just had to hear how my last year at university had been, what I was doing now, how my father was and so on. I’d forgotten the propensity for getting caught up in those things as I tried to be pleasant.
Unfortunately, that began what became a long night of trying to avoid people who wanted to talk to me, and find the ever-disappearing stepbrother of mine. I saw his friends a few times, and I could have started chatting to them, but I really wanted him to introduce me - for some reason, that mattered to me. To have him there, and be more than the host’s daughter to them.
Somehow, though, Seth and I were never quite in the same place, and after a little while my irritation turned in his direction too - he couldn’t have thought to come and check up on me once in this whole gathering? It wasn’t like he was having the same problem I was, with all the people who knew him and simply had to talk to him about their wives and children and parents and siblings and cats and dogs.
Usually I enjoyed it - I liked the socializing, the good food, the merriment and dancing, but this night my patience wore thin very quickly. Being pulled into helping out with all the little emergencies that always cropped up in an event didn’t help with my mood either - and then the dancing started.
I couldn’t help standing and watching, seeing the laughing couples as they started the old-fashioned ballroom style dancing my father adored. Apparently my mother and he had competed at various state events - and as he led Cora onto the stage, something unpleasant twisted inside me. I grabbed another glass of champagne, drinking it a little too fast, and watched as they opened the dances. I could see immediately that it didn’t have the grace my father usually displayed, with Cora struggling a little on some of the more difficult moves. From what Seth had said, that made sense, but considering she held her own I figured she’d had lessons recently.
I rarely thought about my mother these days, and as I’d never known her it was only ever in relation to my father, but as I saw him with Cora I couldn’t help but think about what they must have been like. How they might have moved across the dance floor, looking up at each other with a similar light to the one I saw in my father’s eyes now.
That immediately made me think of Seth - of what it would be like to dance with him, openly and for everyone to see. He’d be a stunning dancer, I knew - of course, he might not know how to yet, but it didn’t matter. A body like that was made for dancing, for moving gracefully in tandem with another the way we’d done in so many more intimate ways.
My gaze scanned the other couples, and to my horror I felt my eyes starting to burn, the reality of our secrecy and deception suddenly not as fun and exciting as it had been earlier. I couldn’t lie to myself. This was what I wanted.
And it was impossible.
Then I saw him - moving across the room and heading towards the dancing groups. My heart leapt as it seemed like my wish had been answered.
One little dance with his step-sister couldn’t be too inappropriate…could it?
I moved to intercept, reaching out to him with a smile that felt a little strained, but more glad than I could say to see him. It just hadn’t been my night so far.
“Seth!”
He paused, stopping to look at me for a moment before giving a casual smile.
“Hey Bella, how’s it going?”
The neutral expression and comment took me by surprise. Usually, even with people around, he delighted in flirting and making me just that little bit uncomfortable - but he seemed distant now. I ignored the feeling and shrugged.
“A bit of a pain - you know what these things are like, get caught up in conversations every couple of minutes.”
He just nodded as I continued.
“Do you want to have a dance? It’ll be fun.”
He gave me a long look, but shook his head slowly as he glanced around.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Bella. Do you, really?”
I bit my lip, disappointment hitting me as I followed his eyes.
Since when was he the good guy?
But he probably did have a point. With his powerful body in that hot uniform, I wasn’t exactly sure I wouldn’t do something outrageous.
Yeah, he’s definitely been a bad influence on you, girl.
“I guess I thought we’d be alright. Siblings do that sort of thing, I hear.”
His gaze sharpened, even as my words stirred that uneasy feeling deep inside me. I didn’t want to be his sister. The idea was beyond stupid.
“We’re not siblings, Bella.”
Damn right.
The reassurance helped a little, even if I did have to resign myself to losing the dance. With a sigh, I turned and spotted the guys he’d arrived with.
“Yeah, I know. I guess you’re right, probably best not to. Want to introduce me to your Navy friends instead?”
His expression was too closed, his body too still as I moved onto the suggestion I’d been wanting to make all night. Something in me froze a little at that sight, knowing instinctively I was treading in an area I wasn’t welcome. That hurt me as much, if not more, than being unable to dance, even as he nodded and turned for them. This felt wrong.
I didn’t get a chance to stop him and ask what was going on though, as I followed to an area off to the side of the dance floor. There were three guys chatting and bantering there - the man in the middle quite a bit older but with the bearing that indicated he was firmly in control of every situation around him, framed by a wiry, lithe man to his right and another with a scar down cheek on the left. All of them had that same controlled intensity that radiated from Seth, and it wasn’t hard to tell they all did exactly the same thing. I watched as their gazes swept over me, their expressions friendly but their eyes holding an alertness that spoke of the ability to spring into immediate action.
“Hey, I wanted to introduce you to my step-sister to-be, Bella. She’s the one that put together so much of this event.”
He turned to me and nodded.
“Bella, this is Dale, Ace and Mike. We’ve all served together at one point or another.”
I smiled and held out a hand to greet each man.
“It’s an impressive event - and we appreciate your support for our troops.”
It was Dale that spoke up, with a rumbling voice that I could immediately picture being heard on a battlefield. His salt-and-pepper hair reminded me of my father, but that was about all that did, as the man radiated command with every gesture or move he made. The thought of living and working - or fighting - with these people was such an intense idea I wasn’t sure w
hat to make of it.
I thanked them for coming and then - to my shock - Seth excused himself, saying he needed to check on something.
He didn’t need to check on something.
I was running this damned show and if there was something to check on, I’d be the first to know about it.
It was such an obvious attempt to extract himself from our conversation that something tore inside me. I’d been looking forward to this for the last couple of weeks - to getting to know this side of Seth’s life and understand him a bit better. I couldn’t deny it - I’d wanted to be introduced as someone who meant something to him. I’d expected to be.
I knew and understood so little about the men in front of me, and I’d wanted to be invited into that by Seth. Given the chance to see what was behind all the fascinating little hints of it that he’d shown over the last month together.
Instead, I was left awkwardly playing host and with no way to start a conversation about those things. Not without inventing some context that didn’t even make sense. I could ask about their life, sure - as no doubt everyone here had done - but as an outsider. Maybe I was being stupid, but I felt shut out in a way I wasn’t sure I could handle tonight.
I made small talk for a few minutes before wishing them a good time and backing away, feeling awkward and embarrassed.
After that, I gave up on trying to find Seth.
I played the good host and ensured everyone had a great time eating our food and drinking our wine.
It felt like a long time before the party finally started winding down and I had an excuse to retreat to my room.
* * *
“God, I missed you tonight baby.”
Seth stalked closer from the balcony, the seduction I’d become so familiar with lighting in his eyes.
This time it just set my anger off - especially with that casual comment. I couldn’t believe that after tonight, he’d even had the nerve to come and find me.
He reached for me as if nothing was wrong and I jerked away, glaring back.
“Yeah, not surprising, since you completely avoided me all night.”
“What?”
He pulled back, frowning.
“You heard me.”
“I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to be seen together.”
“No? And why not? We were both helping organize the damn event, and we’re supposed to be a family now - it wouldn’t have been too much to think we might spend two minutes talking to each other!”
I was working myself up, but I was angry and upset and the evening had been a disaster as far as I was concerned. It grated that Seth didn’t even seem to consider it.
He took a step back, crossing his arms and looking at me as if I was crazy.
“I would have thought little miss perfect wouldn’t have wanted the risk.”
“It wasn’t about that, Seth, and you know it. You don’t care one bit if someone sees us together, if we make the wrong sort of eye contact or touch in those oh-so-subtle ways you love. This was different. You shut me out.”
His expression went hard again, closing off in a way that showed me I’d hit the mark.
“There was nothing to shut you—”
“You completely abandoned me with your friends. The guys I’d been so looking forward to meeting. You made that nothing.”
He looked back at me, stony and cold in a way that almost had made me shiver. We’d spent so long being so close, so all over each other, it had only been warmth and fun and games. Seeing his cold distance now was a shock I didn’t know how to deal with.
“It was nothing.”
“How can you say that?!”
My voice was becoming shrill, and some small part of me worried someone would hear, but right then my heart was pounding in my ears and I couldn’t bring myself to care.
“Because it’s true. Just what do you think this is, Bella?”
The question hit me hard, precisely because it was the same thing I’d been pushing aside for so long. All those casual, hot moments with him - all the little stories, the things that made me feel like I was getting to know him. All the little gestures, the moments of affection we never acknowledged.
I knew what he thought this was. He said it often enough.
But just because he said it didn’t make it true.
“Don’t tell me this is just a fling, Seth. You know it isn’t.”
“No. I don’t.”
His words were clipped, hard and angry, as if I was the one destroying everything that had grown between us.
The way he touched me at night. The way he looked into my eyes. The way he told me that this was the best sex he’d ever had.
“Seth, you can’t honestly tell me—”
“Yes. I can. Stop being a bitch, Bella - you know it as well as me. There’s nothing more to this. There can’t be. Our parents are getting married in a few weeks.”
That argument shut me up. It wasn’t I don’t feel anything for you or this doesn’t mean anything to me.
It was this can’t be anything more.
That, at least, was honest.
But so were my feelings, and I couldn’t deny them. Not after tonight. I was done fooling myself and pretending like it was all going to work out.
“This doesn’t feel like a fling to me, Seth. I don’t want it to be.”
“Well, tough shit, sugar. That’s life. It doesn’t work out how you want.”
I couldn’t believe the way he was acting - it was like he was trying to make me angry. To lock me down and push me away. I couldn’t stand it - and I couldn’t stand what he was saying either.
“What are you going to do, Bella? Go to your father and tell him ‘Oh, I’m sorry, but I kind of slept with my stepbrother. Oh, and please, I hope you don’t mind, because I kind of want to continue. You know. If that’s okay with you?’”
The biting words cut through me, his exaggerated mimic of the way I spoke to my father filling me with dread. I could feel the contempt underlying it, and I’d been harangued about it enough times for the strike at that sore spot to work.
“You’re a bastard, Seth. A fucking bastard.”
Tears were stinging my eyes, but I ignored them as I looked at him. It seemed like all I’d done since he’d come into my life was cry.
“Pleased to meet you.”
He gave an ironic bow and turned to leave.
“Wait!”
I had no idea why I called him back. He was an arrogant, stupid jerk that I should have never let into my life. I just couldn’t see him go like that - damn it all to hell, but he meant too much to me.
Even from just this short time.
I’d known this wasn’t a fling from the beginning. And I’d known it couldn’t work - agreed with myself that I’d let it go when it came to it. But, damn it, I wanted to fight. I wanted to fight so badly.
Why the hell doesn’t he?!
It didn’t even make sense - he had almost no respect for the rules, for our parents.
Why wasn’t he fighting for this?
The callous glance he threw over his shoulder had my heart pounding, hurt and rage warring within me.
I tried stupidly to reason with him, to get him to understand.
“I just wanted to get to know you, Seth. See your life. Understand you better.”
He slowly shook his head, pausing with a hand on the balcony door.
“And I didn’t want you there - that’s my life. I don’t bring casual flings into it.”
The truth of that was more than obvious, but it hurt like hell to hear it. To know that was how he saw me.
My heart in my mouth, I watched helplessly as he opened the balcony door, my stupid sentimental mind thinking it might be the last time he did.
“What are you doing?”
“This was always going to end, Bella. Seems like this is it.”
Chapter Seventeen
Seth
“You’re in a piss-poor mood, sailor. Go home.”
&n
bsp; Dale’s sharp words cut through me, leaving no doubt it was a command as I glanced up in shock.
Obedience was instinctive and the salute happened without thought, but I stalked more than marched away, anger and confusion stirring in the barely controlled whirlpool of emotions that had been with me the last few days. Sure, I’d been snapping and growling at everyone around me long enough, and Dale had given me plenty of subtle hints - but the phrase still hit me hard.
This was my home.
I knew we were all encouraged not to stick around at base at these sorts of times - just getting back from deployment usually gave you a month or two of light duties. It meant most guys could see their families, try to adjust to normal life for a bit before training started and then we were thrown back into a world of chaos and terror.
If you don’t have anything to do, don’t do it here.
The phrase was oft-repeated, but since I’d never really wanted to be anywhere else I tended to ignore it, and no one had objected to me sticking around.
At least until I’d acted like an ass day-in day-out.
I swore to myself as I collected my stuff from the barracks, grabbing the bag with the civilian clothes I hadn’t bothered unpacking and heading to my truck, having no idea what I was going to do now. This was where I belonged, where I wanted to be, and I had no idea how long Dale’s order applied.
Probably until I got my shit together.
Which seemed impossible right about now.
The phrase was still reverberating through me when I roared out of the car park, cursing and heading nowhere in particular.
Go home.
This is my home, damn it.
It had been ever since I’d passed BUD/S. Ever since I’d lived and breathed and got shot at and killed with the guys around me. We were closer than family. At least any family I’d ever known.