by Zoje Stage
Brown Teeth wanted to hold her hand but Hanna couldn’t slow down for her. She burst into her room, crying and breathless, and flung herself onto the bed.
There was Skog, unharmed, right where she’d left him. She clutched him to her heart and couldn’t stop crying.
“Oh, little one…” Brown Teeth sat beside her, rubbing circles into her back. Hanna flinched when she touched the new bruise. “I wish you could tell me why you’re so upset. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard day.”
Skog told her again and again that he was okay. But the terror wouldn’t leave her, now that she’d imagined the worst. He would die here, and she couldn’t live without him.
She told him in her anguished cries how she missed everything. Her room and her comfy bed. Her bins of colorful treasure. The big glass wall that fed her sunshine. Daddy’s study and crawling around on his feathery carpet. The squishy couch in the living room that held her like a hug. The refrigerator where she could get her favorite snacks, whenever she wanted. Watching TV by herself, or Star Trek with Daddy. Daddy reading her bedtime stories. Daddy hugging her, talking to her, playing with her. She even missed …
It was true, she even missed Mommy. Well, not Mommy exactly.
Mommy made her food just how she liked it; she knew what Hanna liked and didn’t like. Mommy sometimes gave her space, unlike the flying gnats of Marshes who were always up her nose, down her throat, dive-bombing into her eyes. They never left her alone no matter how much she swatted them away. And worse worst worstest of all: no one understood her. Daddy always knew what she was saying—even Mommy wasn’t clueless all the time—but the people at Marshes were stupid and wanted to use their ears when their eyes were just as good. Even now, Brown Teeth, the nicest of the people, didn’t grasp anything about the danger she and Skog were in.
Her face swelled up, puffy and tight, and it started to get too hard to cry. She snuffled and breathed through her mouth. Brown Teeth brought her a tissue and wiped her nose and told her to blow. As she slipped off her Keds and set them on the ugly floor, Hanna curled up on her side, face to the wall.
“I know it’s hard, little bear. I know…”
Hanna felt the hand on her arm, her back, drawing circles in an empty universe, warm circles like good planets full of growing things. She drifted toward sleep. How long had it been since she slept through the night? Maybe maybe it was all a bad dream and she would wake up at home, in her own bed.
“You could be better if you tried,” Skog told her.
She agreed. If she couldn’t dream away Mommy, maybe she could dream away Marshes. Dream it away and maybe everything would get back to normal.
* * *
“Okay,” said Brown Teeth, reading her note. “We can do that.”
Hanna was in her robot pajamas. Brown Teeth told her to put something on her feet so she put on three pairs of socks. Brown Teeth waited patiently, her mouth a moon of amusement, then held out her hand. Hanna took it after getting Skog settled in on her pillow.
They walked past silent rooms and Hanna hoped everyone was dead, but knew the younger children were probably just sleeping. Brown Teeth led her to an office and turned on the light, which made them both blink blink their startled eyes. She sat behind the desk and dug out a file while Hanna waited beside it.
“Here it is,” she said, scrolling her finger down a list. “Daddy’s number?”
Hanna nodded.
Brown Teeth picked up the phone and dialed.
SUZETTE
ALEX SLID HER to the end of their magnificent tree-slab table and she supported herself on her elbows. She threw her head back, intoxicated, as usual, by the feel of his cock making its entrance—her favorite, favorite thing. He thrust and they gasped and her body tingled with the sureness of her passion, his love, their connection. She’d never fucked another man and never wanted to.
Afterward, they sat naked at the table and shared a carton of brownie fudge ice cream—the real stuff. It was an impulse purchase, and she’d been pleasantly surprised when it didn’t upset her stomach. After years of shrinking, the world was getting bigger again. The wall beside them displayed a haphazard arrangement of her drawings. Alex studied them while he waited for Suzette to dig her spoon out of the chocolatey goop.
“I started my book,” she said.
“You did?” He took his turn, and licked from his heaping spoon.
“These are just the sketches. It’s a slightly bigger format than I originally imagined. But this is the theme”—she gestured toward the series of doors with her spoon—“and on some of the pages the point of view will be like you’re approaching the door. And then the door starts to open. And on some pages it’ll be like…” She searched for a word. “A pop-up book, I guess. Three-dimensional, the stuff on the other side of the door. A lot of surreal things. Dreams and nightmares. For contrast, I might use a few photographs too.”
“It sounds really awesomely cool. I can see where you’re heading with these.”
Suzette shrugged. “It’s something.”
He nodded, and though he still gazed at the pictures, his look went vacant. She felt it as their connection broke and his thoughts drifted elsewhere.
“I miss her less, now,” he said. “I like the two of us. I don’t have to just ruminate about it anymore. Does that make me a bad person?”
Suzette pushed down a wicked smile. “It was a necessity—for her, for us. It’s good we can adjust. But sometimes it doesn’t feel like we’ve moved ahead, you know? Sometimes it’s like we’ve gone into the past, the way we were. Before.”
“And we were great. We are great. Förälskad.”
“För alltid.”
“Forever and ever and ever.”
They contemplated each other, dreamy and satisfied.
A cell phone sang out its cheery tune.
“That’s mine,” Alex said, looking around.
“I think it’s by the door.”
Suzette smacked his bare ass as he shuffled past her.
“I’ll get you for that.” He found his phone on the entryway table and checked the incoming number. “Hey, it’s Marshes.”
She turned to watch him answer, concern on her face. “Hope nothing’s wrong.”
“Hello?” He made his way back to the table. “Yes … Okay…” He shrugged at her in confusion. “Said somebody wants to talk to me…” His jaw dropped. “Hanna?” His eyes bulged as he looked at Suzette. “Hanna, lilla gumman, is that you? Hold on, I’ll put you on speaker.”
He set the phone on the table between them.
“Jag älskar dig, Daddy—so you know it’s really me.”
Her words sounded perfect, the French accent gone, her voice small and fragile. Suzette thought of a sparrow, not a witch. Not Marie-Anne.
“Herregud—holy shit,” he said.
They gaped at each other, shocked.
“Hanna, baby?” she said.
“Hi Mommy.”
“Oh Hanna, it’s so good—”
“—so good to hear you.” Alex’s eyes shone with tears.
“I miss you.” Her childish voice through the speaker sounded so sad. But to hear her—and her unexpected words—made them laugh and clutch at each other’s hands.
“We miss you too, lilla gumman, we love you so much.”
“How are you? Are you learning a lot at school?”
“She’s talking!”
It was all over his face, the giddiness that she also felt. The miracle. Marshes had gotten through to her, such progress after only a month.
“I’m sorry I was so bad.”
Now it was Suzette’s turn to tear up. She never expected to hear such an admission. The remorse came flooding back—that she’d ever thought of her child as a demon, blind to the possibility that Hanna’s bad behavior might have been an illness. If Suzette had taken action sooner, could she have spared both of them years of hardship?
“We’re so glad you’re doing so well,” Alex said.
&
nbsp; “I don’t like it here. I want to come home.”
They frowned at each other.
“You’re still getting used to it,” he said.
“It’s a big change, it’ll take time but you’re doing so well—”
“I’m really sorry and I promise I’ll be good,” Hanna said.
The excitement that had briefly ignited the room dissipated. Suzette and Alex looked to each other, unsure what to say. A part of her was overjoyed that Hanna was getting better. But a larger part of her simply couldn’t conceive of having her back home. And Hanna couldn’t possibly have been cured—not so soon. What if everything went back to how it was?
“Daddy? Can I come home? I miss you.”
“We miss you too…” He faltered. “But you need to be at school—”
“I don’t like it here and the kids are mean. Please, I’ll be good, I promise.”
The surface of Suzette’s heart started to peel away, like the skin of an apple beneath a skilled knife. Their child wanted them and missed her home. The longing in her voice was so plaintive. Yet Suzette felt herself readying to snuff Hanna’s wishes. She and Alex still had so much work to do with Beatrix, and the initial reports they’d received from Marshes were a mixed bag, at best. Hanna was capable of emotion, but her moral compass was savagely askew. She had a high IQ, but problems with defiance and impulsivity. After weeks of testing, her therapists had barely begun to implement the behavioral modification strategies that they hoped would help her gain crucial emotional and social skills, and build up her ability to empathize. And they hadn’t ruled out the possibility of a psychotic disorder to explain her delusions.
Suzette shook her head. Glanced at her sketches with fear. The book was barely started. She had Alex back—all of him, even the parts Hanna had stolen away. They were going to travel, the romantic adventures she was finally ready for. It was selfish, but she wasn’t ready to give it all up. If her daughter came home, Suzette would lose herself. She was certain of it. The new parts of her would shrivel—her passion, her health; she wasn’t strong enough yet to have Hanna back in the house.
“I can’t,” she whispered to him. “We can’t. She’s just trying to manipulate us, testing the waters. Beatrix warned us.”
It probably was a new method of manipulation. Beatrix, indeed, warned them that Hanna would want to come home. All the children said that, even the ones from the most abusive families. But she never guessed Hanna would call them and say everything they’d wanted to hear. Mommy. Daddy. I love you. I’m sorry. Out loud, in an adorable voice with perfect pronunciation.
Suzette prayed Alex wouldn’t cave.
He covered the lower portion of the phone so Hanna wouldn’t hear. “Älskling, I know. The school is doing great—they’re helping her.”
Her entire body flushed, feverish with disgrace. “She needs more time there, they’ve only started…”
Please let reason be enough. She couldn’t tell him how easy she’d found it, after the first week, to start discarding her mothering self. Couldn’t say—to Beatrix or Alex or anyone—what a relief it became, the unmothering. Like a slow undressing, a peeling away of layers and dropping them to the floor. She wasn’t ready to step back into her costume of domesticity, and feared she never would be.
She shook her head again, a hand pressed to her mouth, afraid she’d blurt out her unforgiveable thoughts.
“Mommy? Daddy? Are you still there?”
Alex gripped Suzette’s hand and nodded, like he agreed with what she was thinking.
“We’ll get to see you soon,” he said.
Something exploded inside her. Suzette jumped to her feet, lurching away from the table. “Don’t tell her that!”
“Why?”
“We can’t…”
Alex covered the phone’s microphone again. “They’ll let us visit soon, if she keeps doing so well. And maybe she really will be able to come home sooner—”
“No!” With one hand protecting the delicate new skin on her cheek, she inched away from him. “After all I’ve been through—doctors slicing open my neck, the loss of my adolescence, a hole in my stomach for four years, my own daughter tormenting me, branding me—it could’ve been my eye! Enough! I can’t take it! I don’t deserve this! We deserve a happy life. I deserve to love you, and be loved, and not have this—her—fucking up our lives.”
Alex buried the phone in his palm and came toward her, a man intent on calming a terrified beast with the intensity of his stare.
“It’s okay—”
“It’s not! My own mother didn’t care if I lived or died, but I chose to live, and I won’t let my daughter be my undoing. This is our life again, the life we should have had. Please, Alex, let me—us—live…”
“Okay, okay…” He reached her, and enveloped her. Suzette pressed the full of her skin against his and sobbed.
“Daddy?”
“Let her go,” Suzette whispered, pleading. She looked up at Alex just as he licked away a tear that had traveled all the way down his cheek. He held up the phone.
“We’re here, and we love you very much,” he said. “But you need to stay in school—”
“No,” Hanna wailed.
“—I know you’re homesick, but you’re doing so well and Mommy and Daddy are very proud of you.”
“Please, I won’t be bad anymore. I promise,” she cried.
Suzette pressed herself against him, so grateful that he would be the one to end the conversation. And surely it cost him, as she knew how much he’d longed to hear Hanna’s voice.
“It’s past your bedtime, lilla gumman—”
She marveled at how well he played the father, how he knew every word of an invisible script.
“I want to come home! Don’t you miss me?” she sobbed.
Alex’s expression froze. And then as his face contorted, his body began to contract. Suzette gasped, seeing her husband shed his own costume. For so many years he’d seemed to play the character so well, but now she understood what a strain it had been. Wearing his mask of smiles, always weighted by guilt.
“I can’t … What if she hurts you again? I can’t…” He shoved the phone to her, and stumbled back to the table where he crumpled into the nearest chair, whimpering. Ashamed, and left with nothing but his guilt, he covered his face and wept.
Suzette stared at the phone in her hand. It had, after all, become her responsibility.
“Daddy, what’s wrong? Mommy?” Suzette turned off the speaker so Alex wouldn’t have to hear his only child begging. Only she heard Hanna’s final words.
“Don’t you love me?”
The pained wonder of her question was too much. Like she’d suspected it for a while. Suzette wasn’t sure if she could keep loving her child unconditionally, not after she’d seen Hanna with the hammer in her fists. Hanna mouthing a spell that was intended to dispose of her as readily as she’d annihilated a character on a piece of paper. Would a part of Suzette always be afraid of Hanna? Was Alex grappling with it, too, now that his daughter had a taste of blood? Animals were put to sleep, irredeemable after breaking human skin. Would Hanna always keep a part of Marie-Anne in her heart?
“Not enough,” Suzette said, barely giving breath to the words. She disconnected the call and dropped onto Alex’s lap. His skin was a balm, his warm breath made her tingle as they held each other.
“We’ll be okay,” she said. “She belongs there.”
His tears fell onto her breast. “I know.”
She straddled him, knowing in a few minutes he’d be inside her again. They’d both feel so much better.
HANNA
“HELLO? MOMMY? DADDY? Hello?”
“Did you lose them, little bear?” Brown Teeth asked, taking the receiver from her hand.
Hanna nodded, unblinking. Stunned. She’d been certain her voice would be enough. Her insides ignited and she melted to the floor. Their hesitation was unmistakable. Even Daddy didn’t want her anymore.
Mommy
proved herself to be the strongest witch after all: she set Hanna on fire, even from afar.
Tears came like lava. She slumped against the cold metal of the desk, pressing her cheek and palms to it to soothe her molten despair. Brown Teeth got on her knees, always ready to console her.
“There, there, little bear. You’ll get another chance, don’t worry.”
Brown Teeth’s cool knuckles felt good against her hot, wet cheek. Sniffling, smearing her tears against her shoulder, she let Brown Teeth take her hand and lead her back to her room. Where Skog waited.
Delicate little Skog. Her bestest and only friend in a cruel and mangled world.
Stupid stupid, she raged at her own stupidity. Getting her out of the house forever had probably been Mommy’s plan all along. Of course hearing her voice wouldn’t persuade bewitched Daddy to let her come home. Daddy was an island that seemed like paradise in her desire, but was nothing more than a rocky crag that couldn’t save her from drowning. Not with Mommy beside him. Hanna wiped her eyes and settled into bed. Skog climbed up on her chest to comfort her.
“I’m sure you made Mommy and Daddy very happy tonight. That is such a big step, to use your voice.” Brown Teeth tucked her in. “You keep being so brave and learning so much and you’ll get to go home before you know it.”
Is that what it took to go home? Bravery? Learning?
Brown Teeth shut the door, leaving them in the dark.
“They can’t keep us here forever,” Hanna whispered.
“We have this time to plan,” said Skog.
She’d be a good student—just like everyone wanted—and learn ever so much. She’d build up her strength and resolve; she’d be ready for Mommy on her first day back. Daddy shouldn’t have betrayed her, but with Hanna out of the way, Mommy’s magic was too powerful. Daddy couldn’t even choose his own words anymore. Hanna couldn’t let Mommy win, not when all of Daddy’s goodness was at stake.
“I’ve been so selfish,” she said. “Daddy needs me.”
“He’s waiting for you—”
“I know.”
“—to take care of Mommy.”