by E. K. Blair
“I’m not so sure about that.”
“Ryan,” Traci says to get my attention as she sits on the floor next to Bennett and me. “We’ve all lost someone we loved only to find that it wasn’t as deep of a love as we had thought when we finally find the one.”
“Is Max the one?”
She looks at her son and smiles when she says, “Yeah.”
“And there’s never been a question or hesitation about it?”
Turning back to me, she tells me, “No.”
“And what about the others you thought you loved? Any hesitation there?”
When she nods her head yes, I add, “That’s the difference here. Never was there a question or hesitation. And she wasn’t just someone I loved.”
She doesn’t respond as I lie down next to Bennett with my camera to get some close-ups of his facial features. Traci and I have gotten to know each other better since the baby came along, and I started spending more time over here at their house. At first, I was just trying to keep myself busy, but in the process, I’ve connected with Traci, and Max and I have become closer as well. I have a good bond with Jase, and even Mark, but it’s hard to be around them at times because it only reminds me of how it used to be. But having this with two people that don’t have that connection with Candace gives me a reprieve.
I head up to the bar to give Max the prints of the photos I took of his son a few days ago, and when I walk in, I see Jase sitting at the bar, talking to Mel.
“Hey, Ryan. I didn’t think you were coming in today,” Mel says as I walk over to them.
“I just needed to drop some stuff off with Max,” I tell her and then look at Jase, asking, “How are you doing, man?”
“Good. Just waiting on Mark to get out of an interview.”
“How’s all that going?”
“I got a job offer yesterday, so I’m good to go. Just hoping that Mark gets this one because it’s the firm he really wants,” he tells me.
“Congrats, man. That’s great. So when do you start?”
“Next week.”
Knowing that Candace should be moving soon, I ask because I guess I like to torture myself, “When does she move?”
I don’t even need to say her name when he tells me, “Friday morning.”
It’s hard to imagine that she’ll be in New York City, all alone, in three days. It’s always been her dream to dance with the company that she signed on with, and I’m happy that she’s doing this for her and no one else. It’s something she’s always wanted and to have this opportunity in life, to see your dreams through, is an amazing thing, and I’m so proud of her. I honestly never thought she would ever move away like she is, all by herself. It’s hard for me to imagine her in a place where she’s okay to do this on her own. The girl that was always so scared of crowds and going out. Timid and paranoid. I worry about her.
“Could you do me a favor?” I ask.
“Yeah.”
“Are you taking her to the airport?”
When he nods his head yes, I ask, “Will you give me a call when she’s gone?”
The pity in his eyes irritates me, but I expect it. There’s no doubt that this girl makes me weak. She always has. She softened me up because she was so delicate, and I loved that about her, that she could do that to me.
“You sure?” Jase asks.
“I’m sure.”
“Alright,” he says as he stands up. “I gotta get going. Mark should be at my place soon.”
As he walks out, Mel comes back over after giving the two of us space to talk.
“Mel,” I sigh out on an exasperated breath.
“You look like you need a drink.”
“When did life get so damn depressing?” I ask her with a slight laugh.
“You’re asking me?” she responds as she hands me a beer. “All I know is, I’m over it.”
Her expression mirrors mine, and I know something is weighing on her.
“Talk to me.”
The place is dead with it being early in the day, so she takes a seat next to me.
“Zane wants a divorce,” she tells me.
“What?”
She nods and says, “Yeah. I got the papers a few days ago.”
“Shit,” I mutter. “I’m sorry.”
When she shrugs her shoulders, she tells me, “We just grew apart, you know? Maybe it was me. Music was always his life; I just never thought that he would make anything big out of it, so I never considered it in our path in life. But that’s not the life I want.”
“So now what?”
“I don’t know,” she mumbles.
Taking a swig of my beer, I say, “Yeah, me neither.”
It’s Friday, and I’m sitting around dreading the call that I asked for. Why do I do this shit to myself? I tried to keep busy by working on some photo editing from a shoot I was hired to do for a portfolio, but my head just wasn’t in it. So now I’m killing the minutes, surfing around on the internet when my cell finally rings, causing a quick drop in my gut.
Seeing Jase’s name on the screen, I take the call that I should have never sought.
“Hey,” I say quietly.
“Hey, man. I just got back to my apartment. Sorry it took so long to call; I had to take Kimber back home.”
“So you got her dropped off?”
“Yeah. She should be boarding now.”
“How was she?” I ask.
“Nervous as expected, but this is what she’s been working so hard for, so I know she’s excited.”
Feeling the welling of sadness, I rush off the phone, needing to just drown in this for a while.
“Thanks for calling, I’ll catch you later,” I tell him before hanging up and leaning back in my desk chair as I stare up at the ceiling.
I’m completely drained, and to finally have the book closed on this may be what I’ve been needing. With her on the other side of the country, maybe I can finally let it go. Let go of the hope that died months ago when I woke up to find her gone. The hope I was determined to keep alive when it was already dead.
Needing to get out of the house. I start heading upstairs to change my clothes for a run, but as soon as I hit the top step, there’s a ringing at my door. I look out the windows and see a cab pulling out of my driveway, and when I go back downstairs to open the door, all that hope comes back to life.
She’s beautiful, even though she’s crying, as she stands on my doorstep.
“What are you doing here? I just got off the phone with Jase. He said he dropped you off at the airport.”
“I can’t go. I’m so sorry. I can’t do it,” she cries and with each word I feel the ever-vacant part of my heart filling up.
“What do you mean you can’t do it?”
“Because . . . I love you too much to leave. And I miss you. And I made a huge mistake by leaving you. I’m so sorry,” she continues to cry, and I don’t even waste a second, pulling her into my arms where she was always meant to be.
“Baby, you didn’t make any mistakes.”
“I did. And I know I hurt you. But, I’m so sorry. I can’t go because I can’t leave you. I don’t want to leave you.”
Pulling her inside and taking her to the couch, I feel the weight of what she’s doing pile on, and tell her, “I can’t let you give up on your dream. I can’t.”
“But, it’s not my dream,” she says in her unwavering confessions. “I was just hanging on to it because I was scared to see that it really wasn’t what I wanted. It’s you. It’s always been you.”
Covering her lips with mine, I hold on to her as she climbs onto my lap, straddling her legs across me, and gives me what I’ve been dying for. I kiss her hard, in disbelief that this is even happening.
“I’ve missed you so much, babe,” I tell her when I pull back and look into her eyes. “You have no fucking idea.”
“I love you. I’m sorry I’ve been so stupid and wasted all this time when all I really wanted was to be here with you.”
&n
bsp; “You have nothing to be sorry for. I fucked up. I hurt you, and you’ll never know how much I regret it.”
“I don’t blame you, Ryan. I did, but I don’t anymore. I just want to be with you.”
Her words mend all that was broken inside of me, and I cling to each one, desperate for this, and tell her, “I don’t ever want to lose you again.”
“You won’t. I’m yours.”
That’s all I need to hear. I don’t give a shit that it took her this long to realize it because I have her.
She’s mine.
This time when I kiss her, I bring her in slow because I intend on taking my time to make up for all that we lost. With her soft lips pressed against mine, I’m taken back to a place where the pain of losing her doesn’t exist. With her hands on my face, I stand, picking her up with me as she loops her legs around me. When I get her upstairs, I lay her down on the bed, needing the smell of her all over my sheets—all over me.
Hovering over her, I slip off my shirt, and when I do, she slowly sits up as I rest back on my heels. I watch as she takes her hand and brushes her fingers along my scar. A scar that doesn’t even amount to the pain I felt when I lost her.
She tilts her head back to look up at me, and I tell her, “I couldn’t breathe without you.”
“I need you.”
And so I give her me, every little piece. She doesn’t even need to ask because I’ve always been hers, even when I tried so hard not to be, to move on and put her in the past. I could never do it because she’s always had me.
Lying on top of her, I press the weight of myself onto her to feel her softness beneath me. She runs her hands from my wrists, up my arms, and to my shoulders before she lets them fall above her head. Comfortable, as if she’s saying ‘have me.’ Taking the hem of her silk top, I slowly slip it off of her body and toss it onto the floor.
Everything about her is familiar, and I need the comfort of her as I use my hands to reacquaint. Sliding them down her neck, over her lace-covered breasts, and down her stomach. Her breathing quickens along with my pulse as I undo her pants and slide them down her legs. God, her legs. After discarding my pants, I return to her, pulling the sheets over us, needy to trap her heat to me. She slips her arms around my neck when I reach around to remove her bra.
The warmth of her naked body with mine, we linger in the moment, touching, kissing, and exploring what we’ve been missing with each other. I’d go through the ache of these past few months all over again just to be with her like this. Nothing compares to this feeling of peace that she’s able to give me. She’s the one who allowed me to find myself, and without her I didn’t know who I was.
Dragging my head down the length of her, I kiss my way back up her stomach, underneath her breast, and I slide my tongue over her nipple before sucking her into my mouth, pressing my tongue against her pert bud. She releases a heady breath into the air, moving her body as the passion takes over us. When I reach down, needing to reclaim everything we had taken our time working up to, I gently run my hand between her legs, touching her intimately. She doesn’t push me away when she lets go of a soft moan as I feel how ready for me she is.
Spreading her legs apart, I settle myself between the heat of her thighs. Gazing at her, naked beneath me, bared to each other and coming out of the agony that’s loomed over us, I see all I’ll ever want.
“God, you’re so beautiful.”
She pulls me down to kiss her, sealing her mouth with mine. Her kisses are deep and purposeful, laced with an intent that settles my heart in hers, filling up the joy that I’ve been without. She’s my happiness. She’s the light in my life and without her, I was lost, but now . . . having her giving this all back to me, it’s elated every part of my soul. We’re completely wrapped up in each other as I guide myself inside of her, never breaking our kisses. The connection is intense, both of us claiming the other as our own but in the most unselfish way a human can as we give ourselves entirely to the other.
Her grip tightens on me, and I push myself deeper inside of her causing her body to bow up into mine, head pressed into the pillow beneath her. As she rolls her head back, I drag my mouth up her exposed neck before I flip us over and sit up to keep our bodies close, with her legs draped on either side of me. Wrapping my hands around the back of her small shoulders, I press her down on me as she rocks her hips into me in response.
When she grabs my shoulders, she begins to slowly roll herself over me. My breathing is heavy as I drop my head down to her chest, kissing and sucking lightly. We move slowly, taking our time with each other.
Gripping her bottom, I guide her as she begins to stagger as emotions flood over. She tangles her hands in my hair and looks into my eyes as she begins to cry, but I have no worry because I know she’s safe with me. Vulnerable, exposed, but entirely safe in my touch.
Our eyes remain locked as I feel her body trembling on top of mine. She rocks her hips over me as she’s finding her release. And as my body parallels her, I reach the peak of my build.
“Let go, baby,” I breathe out and she drops her head to mine, eyes hooded, tears falling, but they never leave mine.
Running my hand up her damp back, she falls apart in my arms. Body quaking against mine, and I explode into a thousand pieces beneath her as our moans fill the room, taking every bit of pleasure we can while we continue to move with each other, my fingers pressing into her delicate skin as she writhes against me.
Movements begin to slow and she kisses me, pressing her face, wet with tears, against mine. The beating of my heart is strong, and my emotions are in overdrive when I focus on what just happened. Making love to the girl I thought I’d lost. It overpowers me as I lay us down, keeping myself buried inside of her.
With my lips on hers, we continue to kiss as I hear her whimpers, and I know she feels it too.
“Babe.”
Pulling back, she takes her time before choking out, “I never want to know what life is without you.”
“You won’t ever have to.”
As I keep her folded up in my arms, she cries, releasing the pain we’ve been through to get here. I let her get it out, and she eventually grows tired, falling asleep in my arms, the only arms I ever want her to have around her because it’s within them that she will always have a safe place to fall.
When I feel the bed shift, I begin to wake, and as I open my eyes, I catch a glimpse of Candace walking into the bathroom, wearing my t-shirt. I’m not sure what happened to make her heart shift back to me. The whirlwind of emotions when she showed up at my door a few hours ago are now replaced with sated contentment, but also questions.
I watch her flick on the light, but she doesn’t close the door. She stands there, and it isn’t until I step out of bed and walk up to her, that I see what she’s looking at. I couldn’t ever get rid of her things that I kept the day Jase came over to pack up her stuff. I had the necklace repaired, and it has always sat on the sink counter next to her bottle of perfume.
I slip my arms around her waist from behind and she stands there, running her finger along the etched words: And though she be but little, she is fierce. Her eyes meet mine in the reflection of the mirror before I tell her, “I could never let you go.”
I take her necklace and clasp it back around her neck, where it’s always belonged. Turning around in my arms, she rests her hands on my chest as she hangs her head down, saying, “I’m so sorry.”
Not wanting her to regret a single choice that she has made, I tell her, “Come here,” as I take her back to bed. I sit against the headboard and pull her next to me before asking, “What could you possibly be sorry for?”
“Leaving you. Hurting you.” She takes in a shaky breath as her emotions get to her and she tells me, “I hated every second I wasn’t with you. I wanted to come back . . . I was just scared.”
“I’m the only one who has something to apologize for.”
“But I get it,” she says. “It took me a while to see it, but I understand.”
We sit there for a moment, quiet, with her head rested against me when she finally says, “I feel like I have so many questions.”
“I know, babe.”
“I never knew we had so many holes.”
“So let’s fill them in,” I tell her as she looks up at me.
“I don’t know where to begin,” she says as she shifts down, and I move with her as we lie on our sides under the covers.
With her face only inches from mine, I brush her hair back and whisper, “I love you, babe. I don’t want there to be any uncertainty about anything between us. You can ask me anything, and I swear I’ll tell you whatever you want to know, but I also feel like I have missing pieces of you that I need.”
She nods her head and closes her eyes when she softly says, “I didn’t know anyone was there that night. That anyone saw me like that.” When she opens her eyes, she asks, “What happened?”
I know we both need to hash everything out, and as hard as this conversation may get, it’s one that needs to happen. I’ll spend days in this bed with her, filling in all the blanks, just so we can have nothing between us but fleshed out honesty.
“I was working late that night,” I begin as I hold her hand that’s rested between our chests because I know this is going to be difficult for her to hear. “I heard noises outside but ignored it. There are so many people who cut through the back lot, and I figured it was just some drunken college kids.” I take a moment as the guilt creeps in and then confess, “I’m so sorry. You were out there the whole time, and I just ignored it.” The pain of my words to her is something I don’t think I will ever be able to get rid of.
She’s silent as tears begin to roll off the side of her face. Wiping them away, I continue, “It wasn’t until I heard you screaming that I ran out. I swear I moved as fast as I could, but . . . by the time I made it out . . .” I’m scared to continue because I don’t know if I should say anything else, knowing how bad this will hurt her to hear. “Baby, are you sure you wanna hear this?”
“I feel like I need to.” Her hand is tightly clenched around mine when she asks, “What did you see?”