by Naomi Niles
I got up in his face. “I need to know that you’re not going to do something stupid and get us both killed. With the way you’re acting, I’d have you court-martialed, just to make sure. You’re lucky she’s soft. Now sit down and calm down or else I will put you down.”
He puffed his chest up, his eyes went wide, and he kept his posture, then backed down and laid on his bed. He didn’t say anything until after we made the jump, but I could see the gears grinding in his head the entire time.
He shot up out of his camping chair, with his gun angle towards the ground, his legs bent. He was at the school now, darting to the entrance of the lean-to, then back to where I was laying on the ground.
He pulled out a make-believe grenade, then ran out, wailing at the top of his lungs. I tensed up. I was walking towards the school when this happened. After he threw the grenade, there was a gunshot. I knew it was his, I recognized the weapon, but I didn’t know who he was shooting at or where he aimed. He was going to kill me no matter what, but…
He marched up, his gun in his hand and pressed it to my temple. “Fucking sand monkey,” he reached for the trigger.
“Jason, no!” I screamed. “No! It’s me, Dwayne. You’re not there. You’re here with me. You need to snap out of it. Come on.”
He laughed. “You thought you could get away with trying to kill those poor children?”
“JASON!”
“Shut up!” He slammed me in the spine with the barrel of his gun.
“Ah!”
“You’re gonna die, and I’m gonna laugh.” He was staring down at me as if he recognized me, but I knew that he didn’t. I knew Jason for what he was now. He was a young, innocent boy in a man’s body that had no business enlisting. He was too pure, and he couldn’t handle it. Now he’d never move past the trauma.
I slammed down on his foot as hard as I could. The gun blast crashed into the wall of the lean-to and sent woodchips and mud flying through air. I felt the bullet rush past me and kept my body as flat as I could.
When the silence fell over us and he sat down on the ground next to me, I looked up at him. He was lucid. “You see what happens?”
“It happened to me, too, but I found out that once I learned to calm myself down, I could stop the visions.”
“Calm down? Oh, that’s rich. How could I possibly be calm when every time I close my eyes, I see that poor girl staring up at me?”
“You think I don’t see those kids? I saw a little girl get blown to pieces by an IED. Do you remember that? You had to drag me out of there screaming. I’m not going around living in a fort and shooting people. What’s your excuse?” I was too angry to care how I talked to him. He was going to kill me anyway. He deserved to hear it.
“Justice.”
“Justice?”
“I know you think you’re better than me. You keep your bed nice and all your things organized just like they tell you, so that makes you a good person — but you’re wrong. A real man does the right thing. I should’ve killed that bitch when I got a chance.”
“Jason, that’s crazy. You can’t get to her.”
“But I can get to her family.”
Realization flashed over me. He wasn’t after the building. He was after Jacobs’ brother. He knew that if he kept sabotaging the building, the office manager would end their contract. I had to admire his resourcefulness, but it was an obvious sign of his insanity. “I see the same things. I see the girl’s head rolling towards me and the children staring at me. I was inside the school.”
“Then you’re a monster because nobody could see the things that we saw and move on.”
“What do you think you’re going to get out of this? You can kill me, her brother — everyone, and they’ll catch you.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Of course, it matters. You’re giving your life up.”
“No, it’s already over. I can’t go back. I’m too far gone. I don’t have anyone. My mother is dead. I don’t know my father, and my brother wants nothing to do with me. All I have are my memories, and they’re never going away. I was ready to kill myself when they told us they were discharging us. I kept my gun under my pillow for a month and told myself every night that I was going to do it, but I never did because I knew I had to make this right. Hurting her became my reason to live.”
“That’s crazy.”
“What’s crazy is living in ignorance. You’re sick, Dwayne.”
“It’s not ignorance. I care about myself enough to find a way to live. You can do that, too. I came here to save you.”
“No.” He stood up and grabbed me under my arms. I felt reality start to fade away, and now I was staring into Gillian’s eyes. We were in bed together, and I was telling her I loved her. I could almost reach out and touch her, and I tried, but my hands were bound, and she was starting to fade away. “No. No. No.” I thrashed around and wrenched myself out of his grip. My face hit the ground. “Please, Jason, I’ll walk away. I won’t let anything happen to you. I’ll quit the company.”
“I’m doing what’s right.” His voice was full of determination when he ducked down and grabbed me again so he could pull me onto my knees. Then he pressed the gun to my head.
I remembered hearing from one of the other SEALs that when a man is ready for death, a calm comes over him. He accepts his fate, and even feels a sense of anticipation. He said that the fight just drains out of him, but that wasn’t the way I felt at all.
Panic, like bile, rose up, and I threw my head back. My throat erupted, and my scream echoed through the trees. Gillian was standing against the setting sun, with black tendrils of hair reaching out to kiss the wind, but I couldn’t touch her, and she didn’t want me.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Gillian
I paced around to the front of Dwayne’s house, searching for some sign of him, anything that might tell me where he was. But there was nothing, just dirt, leaves, and weeds. I started back again, this time searching the carport, the laundry room and the backyard, even though I’d already been through the whole thing.
I decided not to leave and to wait for Michael, in case he showed up. It was a dumb idea, and I knew it when I made the decision, but I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving, only to find that he’d come back and I’d missed him.
I hated myself for leaving things the way I did. This was the worst possible time I could’ve chosen to have a personal crisis, and now Dwayne probably thought I never wanted to see him again. I’d never live with myself if he got hurt.
Tears were running down my face, blurring my vision, but I didn’t stop looking. I was growing frantic now, pacing around aimlessly, sobbing and shaking. I didn’t have the energy to keep this up, but I couldn’t stop.
At some point, I’d have to admit that there might be nothing I could do — the sooner the better. If I kept working myself up like this, I’d end up losing it. He probably wasn’t going to come back anyway. Maybe he left because he was so upset about what I did.
That was probably it. He could handle a fight, but I knew that he wouldn’t be able to handle losing me. I saw the way it tore him up when I left, and the way he stared at me when he pulled out, like I was ripping his heart out and stamping it into the dirt.
It was me. This was all my fault. I had pushed him away and now I was running around his backyard like a stalker, trying to hunt down an imagined clue that would lead me to the man I loved. I collapsed against the back wall, and slammed by head against it.
Stupid.
I slammed it again, this time harder.
Stupid.
I did this. I ruined the best chance I had at happiness.
Stupid.
I needed that pain.
Stupid.
I deserved that pain.
Stupid.
I slammed my head again, then again, each time reminding myself of what I’d done until I couldn’t stand to move or even think. He was in trouble, and it was all my fault. I made him promise not
to get into harm’s way, but that’s exactly what he did. He must’ve. He probably stopped caring when I left.
I walked around to the side of the house and pulled out my keys. I had to find Dwayne as soon as possible. I was halfway to the carport when I heard the sound tires crunching in the gravel crunching.
It was him. I took off at a run, and stopped when I saw Michael’s car pulling in. “Fuck,” I kicked the gravel and nearly toppled backwards. Jesse was with him.
“What happened?” Michael asked when he got out.
“Nothing. Everything. Dwayne’s screwed.”
“Where is he?” Jesse demanded.
“Probably dead.”
“Start talking.” Jesse stepped up.
I backed up to ease some of the tension. “Somebody was coming to his work to disable the security system. He was trying to catch them.”
“Where does he work?” he asked.
“Adams Tower downtown.”
He turned around, and Michael followed him to get into the car. I jumped in with them. Michael flew out and hit the gas. His reckless driving and the intensity between them combined into a flurry of panic that rolled through me.
“What are you going to do?” I asked Michael.
Jesse pulled a gun out of the glove compartment to check the clip. “Whatever it takes.”
“Pull the address up on your phone,” Michael told him.
“Here,” he showed it to him. “It’s Sixth and Maybelle.”
When we got to the building, we parked into the back lot and ran around to the front entrance, where a snake-eyed blonde woman was standing at the front desk. “If you don’t get this solved, you’re both out of the job.” She was tearing into an elderly drunk man. He was wearing a gray uniform that had a patch that said Granger Security on it.
“Hey,” Michael stormed up to him.
“What is this?” The woman ran around the desk.
“Back off,” I pushed her aside to confront the man.
“Excuse me?”
“Where’s Dwayne?” I demanded.
“We think he’s in trouble.” Jesse came up behind me.
“What is going on?” The blonde tried to get between us and the desk.
“Listen, botox queen, shut your mouth or tell us where he is.” I got in her face.
She laughed. “Who are you?”
“His girlfriend.”
“He’s gone. He left to investigate a case of vandalism, and if he doesn’t show up soon, he won’t have a job. Now, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” She turned around and grabbed the phone.
“What are you doing?” Michael and Jesse stepped up to her.
“I’m calling the police.”
“Let’s go.” Michael grabbed me by the arm and tried to pull me away.
“But…” The woman was already talking to the police.
“Now.” Jesse turned back before he ran out.
Leaving meant giving up any chance I had of finding him. I knew that she knew something — she had to — but she wasn’t going to tell us, and if I didn’t hurry I was going to be arrested. It took a lot of discipline to turn around and walk away. I couldn’t give up, but what choice did I have? I walked out and followed Michael to the car, then opened the door to get in.
“Hey!” I turned around at the shout. The old man was running up the service ramp, waving his arms wildly. When he stopped in front of me, he hunched over to catch his breath.
“We have to go, Gillian.” Michael started the car. “Hurry up.”
“Just wait.”
“We don’t have time. The police will be here any second.”
“Wait!” I screamed, then turned back to the old man. “You know where he is, don’t you?”
He nodded his head and sat up. “He’s in trouble. The man that’s doing this — he’s dangerous.”
“Where is he?”
“I shouldn’t be telling you. You can’t tell anyone where you got this.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper, then held it out to me. I reached out to grab it, but he pulled back. “It’s classified. If word got out that I gave you this, I’d go to prison, you understand?”
“Of course. Why are you doing this?” I took it from him.
“He put his life on the line to make sure his friend didn’t get arrested. I figure if he’s willing to do that, he’s got a good reason. I’m gonna give him another chance before we send the cops in.”
“Thank you. You’re a good man.”
“Don’t get shot.”
When I got in, Jesse reached back to pull the paper out of my hand. “Back off,” I slapped his hand away.
“Hey.” He tried to grab it, but Michael rested his hand on his shoulder.
“Don’t get any closer.” He pulled out of the lot. “You found out where he is?”
“Yes, but I can’t tell you. Follow my directions.” Jesse didn’t like what I was doing. I could smell it, but he was outmatched, so he kept quiet while I led them out of the city into the mountains.
“This isn’t right,” Michael said. “Whoever’s out here doesn’t want to be seen.”
“I’ve seen some shit up in these hills,” Jesse said. “They got grow houses, meth labs — anything and everything. It’s not safe out here.”
“Just drive. You wanted to come, you’re going to have to face the consequences.”
“Here…” Michael reached behind the seat and handed me a gun case. “The key to the lock is inside.”
I opened it up. It was a simple revolver, no safety. The hammer could easily slice through my finger if I wasn’t careful, and I couldn’t put it in my pocket. There was always a chance that the trigger would go off. It didn’t matter. I was a southern girl that grew up in the boonies. I could shoot.
“Look!” Jesse pointed out the window when we got close. There was something white sticking out of the trees into the road.
“What is that?” I asked.
“It’s a motion sensor,” Michael said.
It looked like one of the radars the police used to catch people for speeding. “What’s it do?”
“It lets the prick know we’re coming.”
“There’s probably cameras all over these woods,” Michael said. “He knows we’re here.”
“What do we do?” I asked.
“Stop the car,” Jesse said. “Now!” He grabbed his gun.
“What?” I asked. “No…”
“If we go any further, we’re just going to go deeper into his territory. Let’s go.”
Michael stopped. “Come on, Gillian.”
“Where do we go?”
“Through the woods,” Jesse said. “Give us some cover.” He grabbed his gun and got out.
“I don’t like it,” I said.
“You can stay in the car if you want,” Jesse told me. “It’d probably be better.”
“You better hope you don’t get in the way of one of my bullets.” I glared at him.
“Gillian, let’s go,” Michael hissed.
I sighed. There was a black holster sitting in the pocket behind Michael’s seat. I pulled it out.
“What are you doing?” Jesse stuck his head in. “He knows we’re here.”
“You’re going to get us killed,” Michael said.
I ignored them and reached down to tie the strap around my ankle. “I’m ready.” I put the gun inside and got out. The trees and brush were thick. Mounds of blackberry bushes blocked our path, and a layer of roots snaked across the forest floor. Even if we could get inside, we couldn’t move around. Jesse turned back down the road and started walking.
“Hey,” he called out.
Michael ran over, and I followed. “You’d better shut up. He might hear us.”
“Does it really matter? He already knows that we’re here. I found a way in.” There was a clear space between the trees, and what looked like a thin deer trail of trampled grass. Michael pulled a branch aside and waited like a gentleman so I could walk thr
ough. Then he let it go so it would smack Jesse in the face.
“Hey!” Michael and I both laughed.
The trees had created a thick canopy that blocked out the light. As soon as I stepped inside, I could feel the cold eating at my bare arms, so I crossed them over my chest and followed Michael’s lead. As we got deeper into the forest and the ground began to shift into an incline, I started to realize where we were going. The farther downhill, we went, the closer we’d get to the water. It always pooled up in the low ground. Sure enough, the trees started getting thicker until they closed in on us from both sides and we had to push past to get through.
I caught a flash of green — algae. We were coming up on a lake, and I could smell the festering water. “We don’t even know if we’re going in the right direction,” Jesse said.
“Let’s circle around the lake, so we can get closer to the property,” Michael suggested. He pushed through to the shore and hopped over a cluster of lichen-encrusted rocks. I followed his lead, careful not to fall in. When I got over the rocks, I caught a flash of white and yellow. A snake was sticking its head out of the water. I jumped back as it lunged towards me. There was a crack, and I ran closer to Michael. Jesse had shot it.
“You are the dumbest man alive,” Michael said and ran back over to where he was standing. “Give me your gun.”
“No, I’m not going in there unarmed.”
“You’re going to get us killed.” Michael tried to grab it, but Jesse pulled away.
“I need to protect myself. You can’t have it.”
“Guys,” I interjected.
“I don’t want you coming with us. You’re nothing but trouble. I shouldn’t have brought you along in the first place.”
“Guys,” I said a little louder.
“Shut up,” Jesse turned back.
“I saw something.” Something was moving in the trees on the other side of the lake.
“If you fire that thing again, I’ll shoot you myself.”
“Look,” I said and pointed to where the bushes were moving. They turned back, but the bushes stopped.
“It’s nothing, Gillian.” Michael took the lead again, and we started hopping over the roots and rocks lining the shore. There was a fallen log perched up on a boulder blocking the path. Michael skittered up to the top and reached down so I could grab his hand. I took it and braced my feet against the bottom of the boulder, so I could climb up.