“Hey!” Angela hugged him when she got in his car, and he hugged her back. Great, now he felt like an asshole for being so grumpy about this visit.
“Hey. Have you talked to Jessie today? I texted her this morning, but she hadn’t seen the doctor yet.”
“Yeah.” Angela settled back into the car. “That’s what she told me, too. She sounded anxious about the baby. I think it’s killing her that she can’t be there with her the whole time.”
One of Angie’s feet tapped against the passenger-side door. It was a nervous habit she’d had since she was little. It drove him crazy, but he forced himself not to yell at her to stop.
“Of course it is. It’ll be easier once she can move around more.”
“The baby is going to be okay, right? They weren’t just saying that last night?”
He nodded. There were no guarantees, but everything he’d heard last night had satisfied him.
“Nothing is certain, but let’s put it this way: if I’d been really worried, I would have been at the hospital and inside that NICU by dawn.”
Angie stopped tapping her foot.
“Okay, that does make me feel better.” She turned and looked behind her. “No Nik? Where is she?”
Damn it. Of course Angie would do this today.
“No, she had work to do.” He sped up as he got onto the freeway. Maybe she would be distracted by him driving too fast and would abandon this line of questioning.
“I’m happy for you, you know,” she said. “So happy that I’m not even going to gloat about how I’ve known for weeks there was something going on there.”
He should have known that nothing could distract Angie when she got going.
“Nothing’s going on there. She was just at my house when I got Jessie’s call and the enchiladas were still in the oven, so she said she’d stay to finish them. And then when she checked in to see how things were going, I said we were all hungry, so she brought them over, that’s all.” He shrugged. “No big deal.”
Angela had a big grin on her face. It made him want to throw things.
“Mmmmhmm. Any girl you’re dating who I get to meet is a big deal.”
He cut around another car in the fast lane and gritted his teeth. Did Angie really have to do this right now?
“You’d already met Nik. You met her at the exact same time I did.” Thank God the hospital exit was in only three miles.
“You know that doesn’t count. You don’t bring girls around the family; we both know that. And Nik met everyone who matters last night, so I’m just saying, it sounds serious.”
He shook his head.
“It’s not serious. Last night was an emergency; don’t think too much of it.” Oh God, this was going to be a disaster. Everyone was going to keep asking him about Nik for months, and he would have to be reminded about how he’d felt this morning over and over again.
“Oh, please with that ‘it’s not serious’ bullshit. I was sitting right there when she brought up you going to the doctor, and if that doesn’t say serious, I don’t know what does. Don’t worry, I won’t say anything to Mama. She already called me this morning to ask what I knew about her, but I didn’t say much. Mama was so happy that you’d found a nice girl who takes care of you. She said she’d be happier if she were a Mexican girl, but at this point she’d take anything, and I told her that—”
He couldn’t take this anymore.
“We broke up, okay? We broke up this morning. I told her I loved her; she didn’t feel the same way; we broke up. She’s the first person in years that I’ve talked to about Dad, which probably should have been my sign that I was falling in love with her, but I didn’t realize it until this morning. But it doesn’t matter, because we broke up.”
He didn’t look in Angie’s direction. He didn’t want to see the look of sympathy he knew was on her face.
“Oh, Carlos. I’m so sorry.”
He shrugged.
“It’s probably for the best. I can’t date anyone seriously now. You guys need me. I should have never gotten involved so closely with her as it was.”
Angie turned her whole body toward him.
“What are you talking about? Who needs you?”
He glanced at her. Why was she playing dumb?
“The family. You, Mama, Tia Eva, even Jessie sometimes, though she has Jon for most things. Who would put together your bookshelf or change your light bulbs on those high ceilings of yours or go shopping with Mama or answer all of your phone calls? I don’t have time to do all of those things and get involved with someone. I shouldn’t have let myself get so close to Nik in the first place.”
He looked at Angela, expecting her to be nodding at all of this. Instead, she was looking at him like he had two heads.
“Carlos. Are you really trying to tell me that you think you can’t date someone seriously because you have to be free to put together bookshelves for me on a moment’s notice?”
He shook his head.
“Not just that, it’s a lot of things—you know that. Dad’s gone, so I need to—”
She cut him off.
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I know I’m your little sister, but I’m a grown woman. I can put together my own bookshelves or pay someone else to do it. Mama is not a little old lady. She doesn’t need someone to go to the grocery store with her. She goes with you because she likes to spend time with you. We don’t need you to put your life on hold to take care of us. We can take care of ourselves. I’m pretty sure I speak for Mama—and Jessie and Tia Eva—when I say that we want you to be happy, not spending all of your leisure time doing errands for us.”
Angie clearly didn’t understand.
“I know you can take care of yourselves. That’s not the point. What if I fell in love with some woman, and I was with her when there was an emergency? I would never forgive myself if I wasn’t there for someone in the family when they needed me.”
Angie put her hand over his.
“But there would be nothing to forgive. You and I both weren’t there when Dad died, and I hate that, too. But it was no one’s fault, and you can’t spend your life trying to make sure something like that doesn’t happen again.”
He pulled off the freeway and made the turn toward the hospital.
“This isn’t about Dad! It’s just that I’m a doctor, and—”
Angie talked over him.
“Plus, you did fall in love with a woman, and you were with her last night when there was an emergency, and what happened? She sent you off to the hospital to take care of your family, and then she showed up a few hours later because she thought you needed her. Which you did. You don’t always have to be the hero, Carlos, and you definitely don’t need to be my dad. It’s okay to just be my brother.”
Finally, he exploded.
“Angela, can we please stop talking about this? You’ve made your point: you don’t need me, I’m wasting my life, et cetera, et cetera. I get it—enough. Can we please just concentrate on Jessie and little Eva today?”
Angie nodded. She was silent until they got out of the car in the hospital parking garage.
“I’m sorry if I made things worse. That’s not what I meant to do.”
He pulled her hair.
“No, I’m sorry for getting mad.”
She gave him a one-armed hug.
“You know I’m here if you ever want to talk, right?”
He nodded as they got in the elevator.
“I know. Thanks. Now, let’s go see our new little cousin.”
Chapter Twenty
. . . . . . .
The sparkly sign in front of Natalie’s Gym was the first thing to make Nik smile in days.
She never should have gone out with Carlos in the first place. After everything with Fisher, she should have kept her distance from Carl
os and all other men for at least several months, if not years. And now she’d spent the last three days inside her apartment with too many pints of ice cream, trying and failing to concentrate on her work instead of how much she missed Carlos.
She was even doing that thing where she caught herself checking her phone every time it buzzed, hoping it was him. She hated doing that thing. She’d always felt scornful toward the kind of woman who would do that thing. Why was she such a bitch? Now she felt sympathy for those women and even shittier about herself right now.
And the buzz from her phone was never him. She hadn’t heard a single thing from Carlos since he’d slammed that door on Sunday morning.
Enough wallowing. She’d finally pinned Natalie down for an interview time for her story about the gym, thank goodness. She was looking forward to talking to Natalie, if only to get her mind off of herself for once this week.
She still felt lucky that Natalie had even agreed to the interview. Between her hesitation when Nik had brought it up and her slow response to Nik’s emails about scheduling a time, it was clear that she was reluctant about this story for some reason.
She walked into the gym and knocked on Natalie’s open door.
“Hi!” Natalie said. “Come on in.” She was smiling, but Nik could see her hands trembling. She couldn’t tell if it was because Natalie was just nervous about being interviewed in general—lots of people were like that—or if there was something specific that she was anxious about. Either way, Nik knew she had to have a gentle approach in this interview.
“Hi!” Nik echoed her. “Does this time still work?”
Natalie nodded and waved her inside.
“Yes, sure, of course. Close the door so we can talk. I told Jamila I’ll be busy for the next hour and to only interrupt if it’s an emergency.”
“Great.” Nik sat down, took out her phone and recorder, and flicked them both to record. She always had a duplicate now, just in case. “Before we start, I want to make sure that it’s okay that I record our conversation so that I can make sure to be accurate when I write about this.”
Natalie glanced down at the recording devices and swallowed hard.
“Sure, yes, of course.”
Nik took her notebook out of her bag but didn’t open it yet.
“You know, Natalie,” she said, “you don’t know me that well. So it makes sense that you wouldn’t really trust me yet.” Natalie tried to cut in, but she kept talking. “It’s okay, it doesn’t hurt my feelings that you don’t trust me. A lot of people have reasons not to trust writers or strangers or anyone at all. I can tell that you’re nervous about this interview. Lots of people don’t like being interviewed—it’s normal to be anxious. But please know I’m not trying to trick you or do some gotcha piece about your gym or anything like that. I’m not that kind of person, and I’m not that kind of writer.”
Natalie looked straight at Nik the whole time she was talking. When she stopped, Natalie slowly lowered her hands onto the table.
“I know,” she said. “I mean, I knew all of that, about you. Mostly because of Dana, but it still helps to have you say it.”
“Good.” Nik smiled back at her. “Speaking of Dana, if there’s anything you say to me today that you want to be off the record, please know that I wouldn’t tell her about it.”
Natalie’s smile was faint, but it was there.
“Thank you for saying that.”
Nik opened her notebook to her list of questions.
“Why don’t we get started? I stumbled upon your gym kind of accidentally—I was searching for a self-defense class to take with my girlfriends, and your Punch Like a Girl series happened to start just a few days later, so I booked it on an impulse. I’d never even heard of your gym before, but it already has a very loyal clientele. Where did you get the idea to start this gym? How long have you been around?”
Natalie’s smile was stronger now.
“Just over a year. I know it’s pretty young for a gym, but I feel like I managed to tap into a need that was out there—a place for women of all kinds to feel supported and comfortable within their own skin, but more than just that, a place that could make all of us feel stronger, both inside and outside, and allow us to face our fears. A lot of people are afraid of the gym, and I hate that. I wanted this to be a place that people would look forward to going to, where people could be excited about working out and exercising, without the fear and shame and ridicule.”
She’d gotten more animated and comfortable as she talked, and Nik hoped she stayed like that.
“Well, at least from my point of view, as someone who has always hated gyms, you’ve succeeded,” Nik said. “Why don’t we back up a little—how long had you wanted to open a gym? Have you worked at gyms in the past?”
“Oh God, I feel like I’ve spent my life in gyms,” Natalie said. “I was a cheerleader in college, which meant I worked out a ton.”
Nik laughed.
“Of course you were a cheerleader in college. I should have known.” She paused. “That’s a compliment of your teaching style, by the way. I’ve never had someone cheer me on so well for anything.”
Natalie’s cheeks got bright red, but she looked pleased. She was more relaxed now. Maybe it had been just nerves about being interviewed.
“That’s so good to hear. Thank you. And then I graduated from college during a time when it was impossible to find a job. I was a math major.” Nik managed to keep her face from looking surprised, but barely. And then she wanted to smack herself. Why was she still underestimating this woman, just because of what she looked like? “And I was looking for jobs in business or consulting or even teaching, and there was nothing. So to pay my rent, I got a job working at the front desk of the gym near me. After a while, I got curious about what the personal trainers did, so I started asking one of them a bunch of questions about her job: how she got it, what the certification was like, all that stuff. And eventually, I took the plunge.”
As Natalie told her all about her personal training certification she seemed to be getting more relaxed.
“I was one of the top trainers by the time I left. My parents kept asking me if I was going to get a different job, go corporate, maybe go to business school. But I really loved my job. And I was good at it.”
Nik nodded.
“I bet you were. I’ve had trainers before, and none of them were even half as good as one of your classes.” It helped to flatter sources during interviews, but this had the benefit of being true. “Why did you leave the gym?”
Natalie turned to her glass of green juice again, but not before Nik saw that her eyes had filled with tears.
“I got married. One of my clients.” She shrugged. She still looked down at her juice. “Such a cliché, I know.”
Nik shrugged along with her.
“Clichés wouldn’t be clichés if they didn’t happen all the time.” Of course the whole problem was the husband. “So . . . why did you leave the gym after getting married? Did you decide to go to grad school after all?”
She shook her head. She still had tears in her eyes, but she was looking straight ahead now.
“No. My husband didn’t think it was appropriate for me to keep working as a trainer after we were married. He said there would be too much touching other people; he knew I was bi, and he said he didn’t have a problem with it, but it meant that working with women was a problem for him, too. So I quit.” Nik raised her eyebrows but didn’t ask a question. Natalie answered it anyway. “I know what you’re going to say. Before I met him, I would have said the same thing. I didn’t . . . by the time we were married, he’d convinced me of a lot of things. He said my job now was to take care of our house and him and that he’d take care of supporting me. I thought that was so sweet.”
Sweet was one word for that.
“When did you stop thinking it was sweet?”
she asked.
Natalie put her hand over her eyes for a second. She put it down and sat up straighter.
“I’m sorry. I don’t usually talk about this.”
Nik reached across the table and touched her hand.
“No need to apologize. You’re doing great, so great.”
Natalie smiled faintly.
“You sound like me when you say that.”
Nik squeezed her hand, then let go.
“What can I say? I learned from the best.”
Natalie’s smile got a little bigger and then faded.
“What did you ask? When did I stop thinking it was sweet? It took a while.” She shook her head. “That’s not true. I don’t think I ever thought it was sweet. But somehow I’d stopped trusting myself and my feelings.”
Nik let out a deep breath. That sounded all too familiar.
“When I told him I missed the gym, he yelled at me for being ungrateful, and I thought he was right. But I really hated not having my own money. We had a joint bank account, and whenever I bought anything, he asked me a million questions about it, so eventually I just stopped buying things other than groceries. Sometimes I would get cash back and hide the cash.”
Natalie picked up a piece of paper from her desk, crumpled it into a ball, and straightened it out.
“But I thought all of that was normal and showed how much he loved me. There are all of those commercials and things in women’s magazines about hiding things you buy from your husband. They always make it seem like a thing all women do, that it’s a joke we’re all in together. So I didn’t think having to sneak around to buy new sports bras was a big deal.”
She sighed and took a deep breath. Nik thought about all of the articles and ads she’d seen that had made that exact joke. Good God, sometimes it felt like all of society was complicit in trying to make life harder for women.
“Even when he made it harder and harder for me to see my friends, I thought it was normal. People didn’t see their friends that much after they got married, right? He said people who loved each other shouldn’t have anything to hide from each other, so he should be able to read all of my emails and texts. So I stopped texting my friends very much. I didn’t really see them much, either. Sometimes I would sneak out and get coffee with my best friend, Kiki. But I just thought he was acting like that because he loved me so much.”
The Proposal Page 25