To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: cupcakes
Jessie wanted me to make sure to thank you for the cupcakes. They made her so happy. She appreciated it a lot. So did I. She’s doing a lot better and Eva is, too—they’re taking her home from the hospital today.
I’m sorry for what I said that morning and how I acted. I can’t apologize enough.
You don’t have to respond to this.
Carlos
That seemed so blunt and inarticulate, but at least it was all true.
He pressed send.
* * *
• • •
Nik pulled into the grocery store parking lot at ten on Friday night. It was her favorite time to go to the grocery store, and she hadn’t been able to go on a Friday night in a while. The place was almost empty, the employees were in party moods, and the other people who were there on Friday nights were always buying huge bags of chips and cartons of cheap beer, which always made Nik so happy she wasn’t going to their terrible parties.
As she walked inside, a bleary-eyed man carrying a huge bag of diapers almost knocked into her on his way out.
“Sorry!” he shouted. Then he walked into the parking lot right into the path of a car that braked just in time. Poor guy probably hadn’t slept in a week.
That made her think of Jessie and Jon, and baby Eva. And Carlos.
She’d barely been able to think about anything else since she’d gotten Carlos’s email the day before. She’d written and deleted about five responses until she’d finally given up.
She walked through the store, still thinking about the email. She stopped in the baked goods aisle and stared at four shelves full of different gluten-free flours without really seeing them. She wanted so much to respond, but she had no idea what to say.
She shook her head to try to clear her mind. Thinking like this was not going to help. And for God’s sake, especially not in the grocery store. She had a list, remember? And—she finally realized what she was staring at—sorghum flour was not on it. She pushed her cart until she found olive oil and checked it off her list.
She sped through the store, grabbing bananas, granola, bread, tomatoes, bacon. Oh good, she could make herself a BLT when she got home tonight. People always said it was a bad idea to go to the grocery store while hungry, but she always made herself delicious meals when she got home from the grocery store on those Friday nights.
She made her way to the dairy aisle to stock up on yogurt. When she saw the big tubs of sour cream, she laughed out loud, startling the employee stocking the dairy case. She didn’t think she would ever be able to see sour cream without remembering when she’d spackled her face with it after she’d set herself on fire with chilies. And when she laughed so hard with Carlos about it that they’d ended up sitting on the bathroom floor in tears. She grabbed six containers of yogurt, still with a smile on her face.
Would she always think about Carlos whenever she saw sour cream? She hoped so, despite everything. Seeing that sour cream made her think of how happy she’d been around him, at every moment. It made her think of how proud he was of all of her accomplishments, from writing for the New Yorker to signing up for boxing class. It made her think of how he’d dropped everything to help her, more than once, and how happy she was to be able to help him the night Eva was born. She never wanted to stop thinking about him.
Wait.
Holy shit.
Oh no.
WAS THIS WHAT LOVE WAS?
Being happy when you thought about someone; wanting to never stop thinking about them, even when you were fighting; having every damn thing in the grocery store remind you of them, from diapers to sour cream; wanting to be a better writer and friend and person because of how they were and how they made you feel; wanting to be with them, all the time, even though you kept fighting it.
Motherfucker.
She was in love with him.
Now what?
She walked to the register like she was in a dream. She didn’t know how to do this. How did a person even handle this sort of thing?
She didn’t like this; she didn’t like it at all. She felt gooey and vulnerable and helpless. She didn’t like feeling any of those things. If this was what Natalie had meant by trusting herself and her emotions, she wasn’t a fan of it at all.
When she’d been with Justin, she’d felt anxious and needy and constantly on edge, like she had to prove herself all the time. Thinking about him had never made her feel happy like thinking about Carlos did. She knew Carlos loved her—as difficult and prickly and loud as she was—just for being her. And she loved him for being the funny, kind, warm person he was. She loved him so much.
Oh no, this was awful.
She preferred her comfortable, easy, safe flings with guys she didn’t care about to all of these terrible feelings. Her first instinct was to get in her car, get on the freeway going east, and just keep driving.
Yes, that was a good idea. She should drive until she hit the desert and then stay there. That way, she would never have to deal with this and maybe eventually it would go away.
She stuck her credit card in the stupid card reader that beeped at her like she’d done something wrong and thought hard about that plan. She could go right now. These bananas and that granola, plus the bottled water that she’d bought weeks ago and had been too lazy to take out of her trunk, all of that could last her a few weeks, right? Not that she would have any way of knowing. She hadn’t driven to the desert or slept outside since . . . okay, it was definitely within the last ten years—she’d be fine.
She pushed her cart to her car and loaded her groceries into the trunk. What all did she need, anyway? Food, water, a bucket of some sort? There must be an REI that was open late nearby somewhere where she could buy one and a flashlight and an emergency sleeping bag that would become an actual cocoon for her so she didn’t have to deal with how she’d fucked everything up.
She sat in her car but didn’t turn it on.
She put her head down on her steering wheel. And, oops, she honked the horn with her nose. She sat up with a jerk and waved an apology to the dog in the car facing hers. It still barked at her.
Maybe driving to the desert in the middle of the night in July wasn’t the best idea she’d ever had, but the alternative was to actually think about this, and how she didn’t know how to do this, and what if his email had meant he was apologizing for saying he loved her because he hadn’t actually meant it, and how she didn’t know what she would do if she never saw him again, and the desert sounded better than all of that.
The Vons parking lot was no place to figure this out. Maybe . . . maybe Carlos would be waiting on her doorstep this time. Yes, she would go home, and he’d be waiting for her there. She would leap into his arms and say she loved him and that she was sorry for everything, and he would say he’d never stopped loving her, and they’d go upstairs and have lots of sex, and everything would be perfect.
She started her car and raced home, convinced more and more every moment that that was what was going to happen. It made perfect sense. He had sent that email so she would be ready to leap into his arms when he showed up! Which she would!
She pulled into the parking lot behind her building and walked around to the front with her groceries, ready to pretend to be surprised as soon as she saw him.
But no one was there.
Fuck.
Did this mean she was going to have to figure out how to fix this herself?
She walked into her apartment and put her entire grocery bag in her refrigerator, too tired and confused to unload it.
She pulled out her phone to text Courtney and Dana. But what was she going to say to them? “I just realized I’m in love with Carlos and don’t know what to do”? She already knew what they would tell her to do.
TELL HIM—that’s what they would say. Courtney would use all caps; Dana wouldn’t but would use exclamation points, but the message would remain the same.
But didn’t they know how hard it would be to tell him something like that?
Yeah, they’d been her friends for fifteen years. She was pretty sure they knew. But they would tell her to do it anyway. The assholes.
When she realized that she was cursing at her friends because of their imaginary conversation with her, she knew she’d gone fully around the bend. Okay, tonight she was going to make no impulsive decisions, neither driving to the desert nor texting anyone would happen. She turned off her phone and went straight to bed. Maybe in the morning she would be over this love nonsense.
She woke up the next morning after ten full hours of sleep and stumbled to the kitchen to make coffee. She opened the refrigerator to get milk and did a double take at the full grocery bag stuffed onto the middle shelf of her refrigerator.
“Why the fuck did I do that? Was I drunk last night?”
Oh. It all came back to her now. Way worse than drunk.
The coffee pot beeped at her, and she poured herself a cup and drank about half of it like a very hot tequila shot.
She sat down and stared into her coffee mug for five full minutes. Then she took out her phone to text her friends.
I realized I’m in love with Carlos and I don’t know what to do.
She sat there, staring at her phone, waiting for their responses.
OMG. This is so exciting! I knew it! You’ve got to tell him!
That was Dana, of course. Wait a minute, what did she mean, she knew it?
FINALLY. But why are you telling us, tell HIM.
“Finally” was not the response she had expected to get.
Why are you guys acting like this is old news? I just realized it last night and I almost had a breakdown in the Vons parking lot!
She poured another mug full of coffee. What had she been thinking last night, granola? All she wanted right now was a doughnut.
Oh, honey, we’ve known this for weeks, but it doesn’t matter that you’re late to the party. All that matters is that you got here at all. Right, Dana?
Right! Go get him!
She hated them so much.
“Go get him!” they said. Like that was easy. Like she knew how to do something like that. Like she wasn’t terrified to do it.
She finished her cup of coffee and poured another one. Then she picked up her phone and scrolled back through her call log until she found the number. She took a deep breath.
“Hi, Angela? Hi, this is Nik. We, um. We met at the Dodgers game, and . . . yeah, that Nik. I need a favor.”
Chapter Twenty-three
. . . . . . .
Carlos didn’t think he’d ever get Angela to leave Jessie’s side. They’d been there for the past four hours, and the way Angie looked at Eva, it seemed like they’d be there for another four hours, minimum. The original plan had been for Angie to go today and for him to go tomorrow, but Angie had called him that morning and said Jessie wanted to see them both today, since her mom was coming over tomorrow. He didn’t quite understand the logic there, but he chalked it up to hormones and went along with it.
Plus, it wasn’t like he had anything better to do.
“Hey, man,” he said to Jon when Jessie and Angie were giggling about something in the corner, Eva sound asleep on Jon’s chest. “I’m sorry we’ve been here for so long. I’m sure you two wanted to be alone with your baby more in these first few weeks.”
Jon laughed.
“Thanks, but I’ve known my wife’s family long enough to know that there isn’t going to be a day in the next month, minimum, when we’ll be alone with our baby. And you know what, that’s fine with me. These past few months have been so stressful, and now we have this tiny baby who we are responsible for, and I’m grateful for every bit of help from everyone in your family, because I sure as hell don’t know what I’m doing.” He looked down at his daughter on his chest and then back up at Carlos. “I’m glad she has you guys. Come over anytime.”
Carlos patted him on the shoulder, realizing just in time to do it softly enough so he wouldn’t wake the baby.
“We’re going to be over so often that you’re going to get sick of us. I already adore my new little cousin.”
Jon stroked Eva’s mass of dark hair.
“Anytime you want to come entertain her late at night so we can sleep, just let us know.”
Angela stood up and interrupted their laughter.
“Hey, Carlos, you ready to go? We should probably give Jessie and Jon some time alone with their baby.”
He stood up too.
“I was just saying that to Jon.” He rubbed Eva’s little head as a good-bye and hugged Jessie.
“I thought you were trying to get us to move in,” he said to Angie once they’d gotten in the car.
“Oh.” She looked out the passenger window. “I just thought Jessie needed some company, that’s all.” She turned to look at him. “Was that all right? You didn’t have plans tonight, did you?”
On a Saturday night? Of course he didn’t have plans. The person that he’d had plans with for most of the Saturday nights this summer clearly never wanted to see him again. She hadn’t even replied to his email.
Sure, he’d said she didn’t have to, but he’d still really wanted her to reply.
“No,” was all he said. He didn’t want to sound too bitter. “I was happy to stay there as long as they needed us.”
Angie let out a relieved sigh.
“Oh good, that’s okay then.”
He dropped her off at her apartment, then drove the short distance to his house. His only plan on this Saturday night was to watch the Dodgers game from the couch. Whatever snack he ate along with it would have to be low in cholesterol, after what his doctor had said on Friday, but he could handle that.
He unlocked his front door and stepped inside.
What the hell?
There were blue and white streamers, Dodger pennants, and boxes of Cracker Jack everywhere. And standing directly across from him, wearing a blue and white baseball T-shirt and jeans, was Nik.
“Hi,” she said.
“Nik.” My God, it was so good to see her. He wanted to cross the room in one leap and embrace her. He wanted to tell her how much he’d missed her. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, still. Wait, no, that’s what started all the problems in the first place. He dropped his keys on the table by the door and didn’t move. “Hi.”
“Hi,” she said again and smiled. “I, um. I got your email. I know you said I didn’t have to respond, but I have something to . . . I want to . . .” She shook her head. “Hold on.”
She pulled aside the blue tarp that had been covering his TV, and he looked at the brightly lit screen.
CARLOS
I LOVE YOU
NIK
“I wanted an actual JumboTron,” she said, “But it would have been really hard to get one of those inside your house, so I decided to work with what I had: a laptop hooked up to a TV and terrible graphic design skills.”
He took a step toward her. He kept looking from her to the screen and back to her.
“Is this for real?” he said.
She rolled her eyes at him.
“You know me too well to ask me that, come on. Would I, Nikole Paterson, do something like this as a joke?”
He shook his head and took another step toward her.
“You wouldn’t, but I had to make sure. And I wanted you to say it out loud.”
She looked straight into his eyes.
“Carlos. I love you. I’m in love with you. I realized it in the sour cream aisle at Vons last night. Isn’t that a ridiculous place to realize you’re in love with someone? Well, that
’s how it happened to me. I saw the sour cream, and I laughed, and I thought about you, and I thought about how happy you make me and how much I missed you, and then I realized what all of those feelings meant, and then I felt like a fool for letting you go.” Tears were streaming down her face by that point. He wiped them away with his thumb. “So I thought I should tell you, and I’m sorry—I’m so sorry—that I didn’t realize it earlier, and that I was so skittish and scared when you said you loved me.”
He pulled her into his arms. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this happy.
“Oh, Nik.”
She pulled back.
“Wait, wait, let me finish. I’ve spent so long being afraid of love, because the last time I was in love, the man I loved only loved one part of me, but not all of me, and I thought love meant having to sacrifice a part of yourself. But then I was with you, and you loved every part of me, even the parts I don’t like. And that scared me more, because I thought there must be some trick and that I couldn’t let myself believe it or I’d fall into the trap. But finally I realized it wasn’t a trap.”
He held her face in his hands and kissed her.
She kissed him back with so much joy and sincerity and love that he almost started crying. He pulled her down onto his couch and kept his arms around her.
“I missed you so much,” he said. “I kept wanting to call you, to say you were right and to just pretend I didn’t love you, just so I would have you in my life again, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”
She wiped her eyes.
“If you had, it probably would have crushed me. I would have pretended it hadn’t, gone along with it, and we would have done this same stupid thing for like another year or two before I finally admitted to myself how much I loved you. So it’s a good thing you didn’t.”
She kissed him again.
“How’s Eva?” she asked.
“Tiny. Beautiful. Perfect,” he said. “Jessie and Jon are exhausted but so happy and totally in love with their daughter. Thanks again for the cupcakes. Jessie really did tell me to say that; it wasn’t just an excuse to email you.”
The Proposal Page 28