Extreme Junior Edition

by David Borgenicht

  If the bear charges, should you jump in the water? No good. Polar bears are great swimmers. Hit the ice? No dice. Polar bears are quite the speed skaters. And in the snow, forget about it. Your only chance is to pollute the atmosphere and increase global warming, thereby making these beasts extinct. Just kidding. If the bear does attack, you and the group all need to attack back. Hopefully the bear will retreat, giving you enough space to then leave the area.

  How to Survive Falling Through the Ice

  Let’s say you’re walking on ice. (Which you shouldn’t do.) Then let’s say you walk onto very thin ice. (Which clearly you shouldn’t do. Dude, what the heck is wrong with you?!) It’s too late now. You’ve fallen in—but the good news is, you can get out.

  1 Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

  Guess what? The water is going to be cold. As in shockingly, gaspingly cold. Try not to hyperventilate; stay calm. Tread water.

  2 Remember where you came from.

  Chances are you just walked away from the strongest ice. So turn to face the direction you came from. Look for your foolish footprints or a landmark like a tree or building to locate your point of origin.

  3 Elbows out.

  Get your elbows on the ice and hoist yourself up but not completely out of the water. You just gained a few pounds with your “liquid diet,” so let the water weight drain from your clothes before trying to pull yourself up.

  How to Rescue Someone Else Who Fell Through the Ice

  If someone else breaks the ice, don’t jump in, too. Instead of becoming a second ice cube, coach them out. If they can’t do it, throw them a rope, hockey stick, or even a long branch. Just don’t reach with your hands, or the panicked person might pull you in!

  4 Go kicking and screaming.

  Kick your feet as if you’re swimming to propel yourself forward as you pull yourself up onto the ice.

  5 Roll on.

  When you get out, do not stand up. Instead, roll away. This spreads your weight out over the ice and makes you less likely to fall through for a second time. And since you’ve already been introduced to the frigid water, there’s no need to break the ice again.

  How to Deal with a Charging Moose

  A moose is a lot like a Ferrari. It’s shiny, sleek, and glamorous. OK, maybe not. But like a Ferrari, a moose can go from being completely still to moving very fast in a matter of seconds, bowling over anything in its way. Including you.

  1 Dog-gone it.

  To a moose, your dog looks a lot like a wolf. And a wolf is no friend to a moose. If you and Fido meet up with a moose, a) the dog is going to get upset and bark, b) the moose will think it has to defend itself, and c) the dog will then run back to its master. Which means, d) you are about to come face-to-face with an angry moose. So the moral of the story is: Don’t bring your doggy on a hike in moose territory!

  2 Give it an escape route.

  Make sure the moose has a place to run other than over you. Generally a moose isn’t looking to butt heads with you, and it will take a clear path if it has one.

  Doodie Calls!

  The Talkeetna Moose Dropping Festival is an annual celebration that has taken place in Talkeetna, Alaska, for more than 30 years. Varnished, numbered moose turds are dropped onto a target from a helicopter. People are given raffle numbers that correspond to the numbers on the turds. The closest turd to the target wins!

  3 Speak “Moose.”

  The moose may look at you with its ears up. If so, you can back away from the merely curious moose. If the moose lowers its head and the hair on the back of its neck stands up, then you need to start worrying.

  4 Olé? No way!

  If the moose charges, don’t act like a matador. The bull of the north has a mighty set of antlers. Get behind something solid and stay as still as a pill until the moose has passed. In fact, stay put until the moose has left the area, resettled, and started a new life as an accountant.

  How to Make Emergency Snowshoes

  Why get exhausted and risk frostbite slogging through deep snow when you can make a pair of snowshoes and walk right on top of the snow surface? All you need is a pair of tree branches and a little string. Here’s how to get your kicks on the snow.

  1 Branch out.

  You’re shopping in Old Man Winter’s shoe store, so the selection is limited. Look for two tree branches about 2 feet (.6 m) long. As far as style goes, you want branches with lots of little branches and green needles on them. It’s all the rage on the tundra.

  2 Step on it.

  Time to try on your new shoes. Step on your gathered branches. About a hand’s length of branch should stick out in front of your foot. The rest of the bushy part should be around and behind your foot.

  3 Tie it up.

  You’ll need string. Good thing you brought some for that Arctic String Convention. If not, you might be able to use plant roots, or there may be a drawstring on your bag or coat that you can repurpose.

  a) Tie one end of the string to the front of the branch.

  b) Lace the string through the front holes of your shoe.

  c) Tie the other end of the string securely to the branch.

  4 Make them yours.

  Carve or mark your new shoes with whatever symbols or stripes designate your favorite shoe brand.

  Pick Your Kicks!

  Which of the styles below is your best bet for snowshoeing?

  Answer: The Fir Flop. You want lots of little branches so your weight is spread out and you don’t sink, like you could with a heel.

  How to Build a Snow Cave

  So you’re camping out in the wintry wilderness, when a sudden gust of wind sends your tent off for a solo hang glide. You need a new shelter fast, or you’ll soon be a snow angel. Here’s how to stay warm and dry even when surrounded by snow and ice.

  1 Find the right spot.

  Look for a steep-ish slope with a buildup of snow that’s soft enough to shovel but hard enough to pack together.

  2 Dig it.

  Every ice fortress needs a door. Dig an entrance tunnel straight into the slope about 3 feet (1 m) deep. Next, carve the main chamber in and upward from the end of the tunnel. Keep the chamber floor flat and make the ceiling domed. The entrance tunnel must be lower than the main chamber. Otherwise, snow could be blown or fall through the tunnel into the chamber.

  3 Make it holy.

  When finished with the main chamber, poke a ventilation hole though the roof. This will ensure you have enough air to breathe, and you’ll be thanking yourself if your fellow snow-caver lets one rip in the night.

  FAST FACT • The Yupik Eskimos have more then 20 words for snow, including muruaneq (soft deep snow), natquik (drifting snow), and kanevvluk (fine snow particles). They do not have a word for snow that isn’t deep enough to cancel school, though.

  How to Survive If Stranded on an Iceberg

  No matter how you got on this floating chunk of ice, here’s how to make the best of it—and how to get off.

  1 Build on your ’berg.

  You need shelter. You can build a trench (a long hole covered by blocks of ice) or, if you see an extended stay in your future, build a snow cave (see page 99)—icebergs are almost always covered in snow.

  2 Snow + sun = water.

  The surface of an iceberg is made mostly of freshwater, so you can drink to your heart’s desire. Put the snow or ice in a container and let the sun beat down on it. Eating snow is not the same as drinking water (eating uses your body’s energy, sapping you of much-needed strength), so fully melt the snow first. As a last resort, scrape at the top ice to make your own personal snow cone. Flavor: plain.

  3 Go fish.

  In general, a human can go three days without water and three weeks without food. That’s a theory you don’t want to test. End your hunger strike as soon as you can. Make a fishing rod out of anything you can. If necessary, hunt sea birds with ice balls.

  4 Catch my drift?

  In Anarctica, icebergs drift clockwise around the South P
ole. Keep your eye out for ships and weather stations. In the Arctic, the currents flow east to west. You may drift to populated areas near Greenland. Of course, this ride will take a few months, so you’ll have time to decorate your mobile home.

  Real or Ridiculous?

  Nature is a master ice sculptor. Scientists classify icebergs with different names, depending on their shape. All the icebergs in the world are monitored so that another Titanic disaster can’t occur!

  Which of these iceberg shapes are works of nature and which are not?

  Answer: Tabular, dome, and wedge are real.

  CHAPTER 6

  How to Survive on Safari

  How to Dress for Success on Safari

  When a typical day on safari in East Africa may include meeting with lions, crocodiles, and elephants, looking fashionable may not be a top priority. But pick your clothing carefully: It’s worth the effort to sport the right duds for your trip.

  1 Be an onion.

  This isn’t about smelling bad or making people cry—this is about dressing in layers. You might be thinking, “It’s gonna be steamin’!” Well, you’re half right. It will be hot during the day. But night is a different story—believe it or not, it can get pretty cold in the African savannah.

  2 Don’t forget PJs.

  In this case, PJs stand for “pull-over jackets.” You’ll want a warm jacket if you plan to be out or camp at night. Pack layers so you can control your temperature.

  Extreme Makeover: Safari Edition

  3 Hang loose.

  Tight clothes are a bad idea. You’ll often need to cover your whole body to protect against mosquito bites and sunburn, and loose clothes will keep you cooler in the heat. And cotton has a way of getting wet and staying wet, so wear fabrics that dry quickly next to your skin instead.

  4 Accessorize.

  Protect your head with a wide-brimmed hat, sunglasses, and some sunblock. Cover your feet in sturdy, comfortable walking shoes. Better yet, wear special hiking boots or lightweight, quick-drying shoes with thick soles.

  5 Go khaki, not wacky.

  Leave the Hawaiian shirt at home. Blending in with your environment is the goal, and khaki is ideal. Bright colors can alarm animals.

  FAST FACT • The color blue can attract the tsetse fly, which carries a toxin that can cause the illness sleeping sickness, which causes fever, headaches, and joint pain, in addition to sleepiness.

  Safari, So Good

  Safari means “journey” in the African language of Swahili. Safaris used to be hunting trips, but these days, going on safari usually means traveling to a nature reserve in eastern or southern Africa, riding around in a car, and taking lots of pictures.

  Safari-goers often search for the “Big Five” animals, but there are plenty of other great animals to see beyond these big shots. A short list is below, along with their Swahili names (which are pronounced just like they’re spelled, for the most part).

  How to Track Animals

  Tracking is a crucial wilderness survival skill. Keep your eyes open for the signs an animal leaves, and you’ll be able to avoid any predators and find the animals you do want to see when you’re on safari.

  1 Dust for prints.

  Look for prints where impressions may be left, such as along streams or in dusty areas. Know the characteristic footprints of the critters you’re interested in:

  • Four toes per foot suggests dog or cat family.

  • Elongated prints may be from the hoofs of a gazelle or giraffe.

  • Comma-shaped prints might be a warthog or wild pig.

  2 Be a poop-snooper.

  Animals leave behind more than just footprints. Keep your eyes peeled for poop along the trail. The scoop on poop: If the animal is an herbivore (a vegetarian), it will leave round pellets. If the animal is a carnivore (meat-eater), its leavings will be long and tapered. It’s your doodie, er, duty to track.

  3 Watch their diets.

  Knowing what comes out of an animal is important, but so is understanding what goes in. You gotta know what your animals like to munch on. Wildebeests eat the tops of grasses, while zebras mow their lawns down to the roots. Skilled trackers can even recognize the patterns of teeth marks on shrubs and bushes!

  How to Survive the Deadliest Animal in Africa

  What do you think is the deadliest African animal? Go ahead, guess. The lion? The rhino? Wrong. The deadliest animal in Africa is no bigger than your fingernail. It’s the mosquito. In Africa, mosquitoes can carry malaria, which kills up to two million people a year, so you want to be utterly repulsive to mosquitoes in Africa (or anywhere else where malaria is present). Here’s how to get these pests to bug off.

  1 Be as repulsive as possible.

  Get an insect repellent with the chemical DEET. Spray it on your clothes and skin as directed.

  FAST FACT • Only female mosquitoes suck blood—they need it for their eggs. Both males and females eat flower nectar and other sweet-smelling foods.

  2 Don’t smell.

  Avoid using hairspray, perfume, or other scented items that could smell sweet and attract the pests. If you smell like flowers or fruit, they’ll think you’re food.

  3 Don’t show skin

  At night, when mosquitoes are most active, cover your body from head to toe. Sleep in rooms with screened windows or under mosquito nets.

  DID YOU KNOW? • A small donation (as little as $10) can help a family in Africa get mosquito nets. If you want to help, just search online for organizations that take donations.

  How to Escape from a Crocodile

  How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? Here’s a rule of thumb: A crocodile has a long, narrow, V-shaped snout, while the alligator’s snout is wide and U-shaped. Here’s another rule of thumb: Never get close enough to be able to tell the difference.

  1 Don’t go it alone.

  Never swim or boat by yourself in waters that are home to crocodiles. To a croc, a solo swimmer looks like a tasty treat, but a group of people just looks like trouble. Stay with your buddies.

  2 Surrr-prise! Not.

  If caught off-guard, a croc may attack on instinct. So if you suspect there could be one nearby, slap the water, shout, do impressions, sing your favorite song, whatever! Just make some noise.

  3 Give it some space.

  Crocodiles and alligators have been known to jump well out of the water to snag prey that thought it was safe to chill on low-hanging tree branches. If you see one, stay at least 20 feet (6 m) away from the water.

  4 Do not feed the animals, please.

  Feeding crocs can cause them to get over their fear of humans.

  5 Get out of the croc-pot.

  Both crocs and gators have two sets of eyelids. They have a pair of clear inner lids that function as natural goggles and allow them to see perfectly underwater. Still think you’re a match for Old Four-Eyes in the water? Consider this: Crocs have “skin sensors” that can sense vibrations when something enters the water. Bottom line: If you even suspect there’s a crocodile around, get out of the water yesterday!

  6 Run!

  If you spot a croc on land, run. Run fast. Run straight. Run far.

  3 Myths About Crocodiles and Gators

  Myth #1: They’re slow. A large croc can run 10 mph (16 kph), which is probably about the same speed you can run. Do the math. Actually you don’t have time. Just run.

  Myth #2: You should run in zigzags. This idea stems from the idea that crocs can only see straight ahead, so they’ll lose sight of you if you zig and zag all over the place. However, you’re better off running away any way you can. The more distance you can put between you and the croc, the better.

  Myth #3: Crocs like to chase people. Actually, they’re not like lions. They don’t like to chase down their prey. They’re way too cool for that. They’re lurkers. They lie low before attacking.

  How to Survive an Elephant Stampede

  Sure, elephants may look big, clumsy, and slow, but they
can actually run faster than 25 mph (40 kph). Their speed and strength makes elephants the line-backers of the Animal Kingdom. And while a herd of charging pachyderms can be scary, stay calm. Do the wrong thing, and you’ll soon be elephant toe-cheese.

  1 Take cover.

  Running’s not an option—the elephants will just catch up. Instead, find a sturdy structure to get into. Of course, there aren’t always a whole lot of sturdy structures on the African plains. So . . .

  2 Grab a trunk.

  Of a tree, not an elephant! If you’re a skilled tree-climber, you might be in luck. Elephants, even in a frenzied stampede, will try to avoid trees. Grab a branch and hoist yourself up, staying close to the trunk. If you can’t climb a tree, huddle close to the tree trunk. Be the tree trunk.

  3 Get down.

  This might sound crazy, but if all else fails, lie down. Unless it sees you as a threat, an elephant is unlikely to step on you. If you stay standing, you run a higher risk of getting shish-kebab’ed on an elephant’s tusk.

  What’s Your Worst Case?

  How to Survive a Charging Rhinoceros

  The black rhino has a horn on its face and a chip on his shoulder. If one lowers its horny head and snorts at you, it’s got goring you on its mind. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of the charge from an animal that weighs more than a ton. Here’s how to avoid it entirely.

  1 Tree up, don’t tee up.

  At 30 mph (48 kph), a charging rhino is not outrun-nable. If one comes at you, climb a tree. Make sure you get higher than the horn can reach, or you’re just teeing yourself up for the rhino.