Legally Red
A Wayfair Witches Side Story
by A.A. Albright
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, organisations, places, events and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination, or are used fictitiously.
Text Copyright © A.A. Albright 2018
All Rights Reserved
No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the author.
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Website: https://aaalbright.com
Table of Contents
1. A Stick Like No Other
2. Melissa and the Master
3. Silence is Goldie
4. Not So Great Granny
5. Keeping the She-Wolves From the Door
6. Head it Like a Boss
7. One Potato, Two Potato …
8. Hard as Nails
9. Doorbells are Superior to Violins
10. Funding Nemo
11. The Perfect Couple
12. A Walk in the Park
13. A Flexible Approach
14. Mother Dearest
15. Modern Parenting
16. Not the Master of Me
17. Moonlight Meadows
18. This Girl’s Got Stones
19. Ravenous
20. Doctor Dillis
21. Mack and Me
22. One Month Later
1. A Stick Like No Other
I’ve heard tell that, as far as humans are concerned, the acronym LOL means Laughing Out Loud. But for a witch like me, the LOL was no laughing matter. In the supernatural world, those three letters stand for Legally Operating Lawyer. And the LOL exam – the test that decided whether I would get to practise law or not – was only three weeks away.
Swotting I could do. I’d studied so hard that I now knew every point of the law inside and out, upside and down, forwards and backwards. According to my housemates, I’d even started reciting entire passages from my textbooks while I slept.
But the thing about becoming a legally operating lawyer is that I didn’t just need to ace the exam. I also needed a certain amount of credits from lawyers and Wyrd Court officials I’d clerked for. And so far I’d been a little bit unlucky in that regard. But just as soon as I calmed myself down with my early morning yoga class, I was about to get ready for an interview which would hopefully turn my luck around.
The yoga class was taking place in Luna Park, just across the road from my house. If you live in Dublin and you’ve never heard of Luna Park, don’t worry – like all of Ireland’s supernatural enclaves, you won’t find it on any standard map, but it most definitely exists.
While the other witches stretched and posed, I found my attention drifting. Not just to my upcoming interview – although I was very nervous about that, particularly seeing as my new ankle bracelet had done a disappearing act. It had been a gift from my boyfriend especially for today. It was decorated with Ádh Stones, red stones that granted good luck to the wearer. There were nine red stones on the anklet, interspersed with star-shaped diamonds. In order to obtain your dose of good luck, you needed to clutch one of the Ádh Stones and say:
‘A spell of luck I now do need,
Through any task I shall succeed.’
Hopefully I’d manage to track the anklet down before my job interview, but right now there was another concern on my mind – because I was also wondering what on earth my familiar and her canine buddy were up to.
Princess – my familiar – was a gorgeous black cat who’d been with me since I was a little girl. Right now – while I was holding a headstand – she was stalking through the park with Wolfie at her side. Wolfie was an enormous Irish wolfhound who lived part-time with one of my housemates, a weredog called Max, and spent the rest of his time with a werewolf rock star. What can I tell you? The dog was in demand.
But here’s the thing – when Princess and Wolfie first had to share a space together, they battled all day long. When I say battled, what I mean is that Princess bullied Wolfie and Wolfie just put up with it. Lately, though, they’d become a team of sorts. I was happy to no longer have to separate them, or to have to hunt out Wolfie’s stolen toys in the strange places where Princess had hidden them. But I was a little concerned that they were becoming the terrors of Luna Park.
Right now, Wolfie was growling at a marmalade cat – a known enemy of Princess’s – while Princess was walking up and down in front of the cat, chewing on a matchstick and looking like she was some sort of Mafia boss.
I decided that it was time to stop standing on my head and, rather awkwardly, made my way to my feet again.
‘Melissa!’ cried Star Lily, the yoga teacher (I did try asking her real name once, but I was met with stony silence). ‘You can’t just run off after coming out of a headstand! You need to at least do a child’s pose and preferably a very long savasana!’
‘Yeah, no time, Star Lily!’ I called back as I sprinted away. ‘I’ve got a cat and dog to deal with. Great class though. Thanks!’
When I reached the scene of what looked like a shakedown, the marmalade cat was quivering and howling.
I plucked Princess up and gave Wolfie a stern stare. Seeing as the dog was made of big brown eyes, gorgeous fawn-coloured fur, and a whole lot of cuteness, my sternness did not come easily. ‘I expected this from you, Princess.’ Hey, I loved my cat, but I wasn’t going to pretend she was an angel. ‘But Wolfie? Bullying another animal? That’s not like you.’
Wolfie’s long legs began to shake and he let out a little whimper. ‘It’s not what it looks like, Melissa. Beans stole my stick and Princess was helping me get it back. You should have seen this stick. It was a stick like no other. The perfect length. The perfect consistency for chewing. And it looked so aero … aero …’
‘Aerodynamic?’ I suggested.
‘Yeah. That. You could have thrown it for me for hours! But now you’ll never get to, because Beans stole it. He’s been stealing loads of stuff from us all week. Him and the rest of his gang.’
‘Yeah.’ Princess spat out her matchstick and looked up at me, rounding her eyes in that way she knew would make me melt. ‘It’s not fair, Melissa. We need to get everything back. Especially Wolfie’s stick. Beans and his gang are thieving bullies. Me and Wolfie … well, we’re just the poor little innocent – and incredibly furry – animals who’ve been forced to take the law into our own hands.’
I knew she was working me, but it was beginning to sound like she might have a point. Sure, she might have looked like the cat of the walk while she and Wolfie had intimidated Beans, but if all she was doing was trying to help Wolfie get his stick back from big bad Beans, then I needed to help. Because while it might seem like a stick was just, well, a stick, I knew it would mean a whole lot more than that to Wolfie. That dog loved sticks almost as much as he loved his pink squeaky ball.
‘You’re Beans?’ I looked at the marmalade cat.
He straightened himself up. ‘None of your business who I am, sweet cheeks,’ he replied. ‘Stay out of this if you know what’s good for you.’
Now that Princess and Wolfie were no longer a threat, he seemed to have decided it was time to return to form. And what a form!
‘Oh my stars!’ I held Princess close. ‘I can’t believe I actually thought my Princess was the bully in this situation. Do you have Wolfie’s stick, Beans? And remember, you’re dealing with a witch. I can make you suffer.’ I mean, I wouldn’t. But I could.
Beans looked me up and down, doing a quick assessment. ‘You’re not the only witch in this park, babe. I’ve got one of my own, as it happens. And she’s comin
g our way.’ He looked over his shoulder, and a witch I knew all too well was marching towards us.
As I looked at the newcomer, I groaned. ‘Marion, why are you wearing camouflage gear, or do I even need to ask?’
Marion was a tall, thin woman who lived on the opposite side of the park from me. Lately, she’d been like a wasp at a picnic. Every time I looked out my door she was there – usually with night-vision goggles, binoculars and what looked suspiciously like the blueprints to my house.
She gave me a defiant stare. ‘Hello, Melissa. Why didn’t Mack come over last night? You haven’t dumped him, have you? Because if you’ve broken that poor man’s heart, then you’ll have me and the rest of the She-Wolves to contend with.’
As she spoke, half a dozen more camo-wearing women peeped out from nearby bushes. Oh, dear goddess! These were the She-Wolves, and Marion was their leader. None of them were werewolves, but every single one of them wanted to be. And the guy Marion wanted to turn her happened to be my boyfriend, lead singer with the werewolf rock band known as the Call of the Wild.
‘Wolfie!’ One of the witches called over to the dog. ‘How’s Jasper doing? Did he get the cake I baked for him? Will he let me go out with him again?’
Wolfie whimpered and hid behind my legs. Jasper was the bass player in the band, and the werewolf who Wolfie lived with for part of the time. ‘Jasper says I’m not to talk to you. He says you’re crazy.’
‘Crazy in love!’ cried the witch. ‘Tell him that, will you? Tell him I’d love the chance to hang out in his favourite hot tub again.’
Marion glared at her. ‘Pipe down, Leanne. Me and Melissa here are about to have a little chat.’ She turned back to me and narrowed her eyes. ‘Now, the day before full moon, Mack McAdams – your boyfriend, although I fail to see what he sees in you – gave an interview with Priya on the Magic Music channel. I don’t suppose you remember what he said, Melissa?’
I looked down at my bare feet. ‘I don’t watch the Magic Music channel,’ I told her. Actually, I watched it all the time, and I had definitely seen that interview. But I hadn’t put it together with the sudden increase in the She-Wolf activity outside my house until now.
I was really beginning to hate those crazy witches. Luna Park wasn’t the only place they stalked me. My Super Social page had been filled with unpleasant comments until I’d made it private. Once, when I was having coffee at the Hungry Hippy alone, a ninety-year-old woman handed me a dirty bra and knickers and told me to pass them on to Mack. For the past few days, though, it had been worse than ever. And now I was discovering the reason: it was all because of a few little words.
‘Liar liar yoga pants on fire!’ Marion cried. ‘You did watch that interview. I can tell. And you heard exactly what Mack McAdams – the most perfect man on the planet – said. When Priya asked him if there was a special lady in his life, he said that he had found the one, and he was head over heels in love. That’s you, Melissa Wayfair. You’re the one. And yet ever since that interview you haven’t spent a single minute with that poor man. You’re a cruel, heartless witch, that’s what you are. We all saw him, howling on your doorstep at full moon!’
I moved a step closer. ‘I’m not cruel, I’m not heartless, and my relationship is none of your business. Is your husband working the night shift this week, Marion? If he is, then you’d better run on home before he gets there. Because I happen to know that he made you swear to leave the She-Wolves.’
Marion cleared her throat. ‘He’s not due home for another half an hour, actually. And if you tell him I was here then I’ll … I’ll …’
‘You’ll what? Put the poor man out of his misery and divorce him?’
She gave me a full-on scowl. ‘Just for that, we’re going to camp out here every single night for the rest of your life. And it’s a public park, so you can’t stop us. If anyone asks, we’ll say we’re birdwatching.’
Well, they sure were cuckoo. ‘Then I’ll put wards up so you can’t see my house, like Mack’s done at his place. And in case you try to find a way around that, I’ll make sure he never comes to visit me again.’
‘Well then I’ll … I’ll … I’ll … I’ll start staking out the Wandering Wood again. Looking for a way to see his cabin.’
Oh, good Gretel. Did I say cuckoo? This girl was bat poop crazy, and relentless too. ‘You know what, Marion? You should go there. You should go to the Wandering Wood this morning, in fact. Just as soon as you make your cat give me back Wolfie’s stick. The wards are down at Mack’s house, actually, so you’ll even be able to see into his bedroom if you’re desperate enough.’
She moved closer to me, grabbing me by the strap of my yoga bra. ‘Don’t say things like that, Melissa Wayfair. It’s not funny to make fun of a witch’s most romantical feelings.’
‘Oh, I’m not making fun of you,’ I assured her, looking right into her eyes so she’d believe every word I was telling her and – hopefully – go and stake out Mack’s house as soon as we were done. There was no way she’d actually get through his wards, but what was the harm in a little white lie? Especially if it meant I didn’t have to see her face peeping out from the bushes for a while. ‘I’m telling you, those wards are down. The next time you go there, you and anyone else you fancy bringing along to the stalker party will be able to see right inside Mack’s house.’ I pulled away from her grasp and brushed the crazy off my skin.
‘I don’t believe you.’
‘You should,’ I said. ‘You should believe every word I’m telling you. But in the meantime, let’s just agree that you’re the biggest bag of nuts in the shop and get on with what’s most important. I want Wolfie’s stick. Tell Beans to go get it. Now.’
As she began to shift from foot to foot, it dawned on me: Wolfie said lots of stuff had been stolen. Did any of that stuff include my favourite ankle bracelet? And now that I thought about it, there was a photo of me and Mack missing from my cork board, too. I thought it had simply fallen behind my desk, but maybe that wasn’t where it had gone.
‘Marion, have you and the She-Wolves been getting your familiars to steal things from my house?’
She mumbled some words that sounded like, ‘Me my uv.’
‘Me my uv? What in Hecate’s name does that mean, Marion?’
‘I said we might have!’ she screeched. ‘And so what if we did? You don’t deserve that ankle bracelet. You don’t deserve anything from Mack.’ She turned on Beans. ‘But I don’t know why you were stealing a stick. What do you want with a stick?’
‘I don’t want a stick!’ Beans cried. ‘Do I look like some sort of stupid dog to you? It must have been one of the others who stole it.’
Leanne stood up, raising her hand. ‘Um, yeah. That might have been my familiar. I told her to steal as many of Wolfie’s toys as she could get her paws on. Y’know, so I could hold them for ransom in order to get another date with Jasper. Sorry.’
I stared around at the She-Wolves. I was happy that my boyfriend’s band had so many fans, really I was. But did they have to be these fans? ‘Give it all back to us. Now. Or I’ll tell Mack to ban every single She-Wolf from going to his gigs. Forever.’
Marion’s mouth hung open. Eventually (after catching a fly and spitting it out) she said, ‘You wouldn’t.’
‘Oh, I would. And he’d do it, too. Mack would do anything for me. So get me my stuff. Now.’
≈
Beans led us towards an area on the east side of the park. Tall shrubs and saplings crowded around into a huge, messy thicket. It should have been hard for anyone larger than a cat to get through, but something big had come through recently, breaking branches, trampling bramble and making somewhat of a path.
‘So let me get this straight,’ I said to Marion. ‘You get Beans and the rest of the She-Wolves’ familiars to nick things, then they leave them here and you and your buddies pick them up from this place so you can… what? Sniff them? Preserve them in a pickle jar? Oh wait, I know – you use them in your creepy poppet-mak
ing rituals so you can try and make my boyfriend fall in love with you. Am I right? I’m right, amn’t I?’
‘You’re making fun of me again,’ she snarled. ‘And actually, we have a different stash point every day,’ she added with her head held high. ‘There’s nothing wrong with what we’re doing. If you don’t appreciate the gifts Mack buys for you, then it stands to reason that they should go to someone who does appreciate them.’
I felt my forehead scrunch. Yeah, I was disturbed by the fact that she was trying to justify something completely mental. But there was more worrying me than that. If this was a brand new stash point, then why were all the branches snapped off? Why was all of the bramble trampled down? And more importantly, why was Wolfie sniffing the air and whimpering?
‘It’s bad, Melissa,’ whispered the wolfhound. ‘I don’t want to go in there.’
I was just about to ask him what was bad, when Marion put her hands to her mouth and screamed.
2. Melissa and the Master
I stepped closer to Marion and peered into the clearing. Yeah, my ankle bracelet was there, along with Wolfie’s stick, his purple cuddly toy, and a whole lot of other items I didn’t know were missing. But as freakish as it was to have so many things stolen by overzealous fans, there was something far more disturbing on the ground.
There was a man’s body in that tiny clearing. And judging by the odd pallor on his face, as well as the pile of vomit on the ground beside him, I was going to take a wild stab in the dark and guess that he’d been poisoned by Jinx.
While Marion made strange little panicked sounds, I plucked my phone out of the band of my yoga pants, and phoned Wanda. Wanda was my housemate, but I wasn’t calling her to tell her that property prices might be about to plummet in the area. I was calling her because she was a member of the Wayfarers – the supernatural police force.
I’d barely uttered the words ‘body’ and ‘poisoning’, before Wanda arrived via the magic of finger-clicking. She was still in her dressing gown, and chewing on a slice of toast. There were some crumbs in her hair, and her purple fluffy slippers weren’t really suitable for the setting. Nevertheless, Wanda managed to look not only incredibly capable, but also incredibly pretty.
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