Conversations about money are tricky. I don’t really know why this should be, but it’s true – at least in most cultures. Absurdly, we find it difficult to talk about money even with our nearest and dearest. Now, most of the time this really doesn’t matter. We’ve all learnt to find ways to achieve most of what we need without having to have those embarrassing, sordid, cringey, uncomfortable conversations.
OK, that’s fine, but you’ve got to recognize when it becomes a problem. And I’m especially thinking about your parents as they get older. If they have any kind of money worries, you need to be able to support them. And you can’t do that if neither they nor you feel you can even raise the subject.
Think about it. Once they’re no longer earning, they have no idea how long the money they have will need to last. To put it bluntly, they don’t know how long they’ve got before they die. So they have to look after their money carefully. That includes deciding if and when to sell their house if they own it, whether to go into a care home and what they can afford, when to start drawing any personal pension they may have, and so on.
Can they afford to go on holiday? Can they, indeed, afford to turn on the heating next winter? These decisions are really tough because they don’t have all the information they need – i.e. how long they have to make the money last – so it’s impossible to make a clear choice. Mostly they’re operating on guesswork. Think how worrying that must be.
And you can help. But only if you know what’s going on. Whether the help you can offer is in the form of money or advice, or reassurance that you’d never let them end up on the streets, you are their best source of help. They may not be up-to-date with all the financial options. They may not be good at that stuff anyway. They may even be a bit confused.
I have a friend whose father came from the pre-war generation, which meant that you didn’t talk about personal stuff – you know, feelings, religion, worries, money. Her father was a bright man who, due to circumstances, was forced to leave school early and never fulfilled his intellectual potential. Instead he had a succession of low-paid jobs, and a period of unemployment. He spent all his life worrying deeply about money and ‘being very careful’, as it’s known. He and his wife had very few luxuries and went for the budget option in pretty much everything. When he died, at a respectably old age, my friend was staggered to discover that he had been saving an excessively high proportion of his income for many years. My friend couldn’t help but think about how much easier life would have been for her parents if her father hadn’t been saving to this extent, during years of very low income.
Wouldn’t it have been worth risking a tricky conversation to review their finances with them and encourage them to enjoy a little more of their hard-earned income? In fact, it’s only broaching the subject that’s uncomfortable. The worst that can happen is they say ‘No thanks, we’re fine’, in which case you accept that and move on. Chances are, that they will appreciate your concern and once you’re underway it will be fine, and they may be deeply relieved to be able to talk it through with you. So when the time comes, don’t dither, just do it.
YOU CAN HELP. BUT ONLY
IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S
GOING ON
RULE 9
If they give it to you, it’s yours
I think we’ve pretty much established by now that other people’s money belongs entirely to them, to do with as they please. So it follows that you can do as you like with your own money.
But where did your money come from? Does that make a difference? It shouldn’t, but for some people it does. If you’ve earned it through your own graft, you’re probably fairly comfortable with making your own decisions about what to do with it. Ah, but what if it was given to you by someone else?
I’ve known people tie themselves in knots worrying about whether it’s OK to do this or that with money given to them by family or friends, or inherited from someone who isn’t even alive any longer to see how they spend it.
Let’s be clear. If someone gives you money it not only becomes yours legally, but also morally, emotionally, psychologically. That’s what a gift is. If someone gives you a birthday present of, let’s say, a framed painting, do you feel obliged to consider which wall they would hang it on? If they gave you a bottle of perfume or aftershave, would you check with them before using it? No. Of course not. And money is just the same.
It’s a different matter if you’ve been lent the money, or given it for a specific purpose. If your parents say, ‘We’d like to give you some money to go on holiday’, you’d either use it to go on holiday, or you’d discuss with them whether it would be OK to use it for something else. If your friend lends you money to set up a business, you don’t go out and buy a sports car instead. But I’m talking about gifts of money, freely given, to be yours.
Some very non-Rules parents (this wouldn’t be you) give their children money as a means of control. They proffer it as a gift, and then make remarks later about ‘If I’d known you were going to waste it on this...’ or ‘Is that what you’ve done with our money?’ They think that because the money came from them, they have a right to oversee what you do with it. Well, they don’t, not if there were no conditions attached at the time they gave it to you. So don’t let them guilt-trip you. You can choose whether to take the money, knowing what they’ll say and whether your choices will influence future gifts. But that is a pragmatic decision, with no room for guilt.
So no matter how other people’s money becomes your money, once it’s in your hands/wallet/bank account, it’s yours, and you’re free to do as you please with it. Spend it or save it, but – either way – enjoy it.
IF SOMEONE GIVES
YOU MONEY IT NOT
ONLY BECOMES YOURS
LEGALLY, BUT ALSO
MORALLY, EMOTIONALLY,
PSYCHOLOGICALLY
Hey, it’s not only wealth you know. If you’re smart, you’ll want to learn how the most successful people behave at whatever it is: life, money, work, relationships, kids. Luckily I’ve done the hard work for you – the years of observing, distilling, sieving and summarizing what really makes a difference into handy little Rules.
I’ve always been anxious not to stretch the Rules principle too far, but following huge demand from readers I have tackled those big important areas that affect us all. So in the pages that follow you’ll find a ‘one Rule’ taster of each of the other Rules books:
Rules of Life
Rules of Work
Rules of Management
Rules of Parenting
Rules of Love
See what you think. And if you like them there are plenty more in each of the books.
FROM THE RULES OF LIFE
You’ll get older but not necessarily wiser
There is an assumption that as we get older we will get wiser; not true I’m afraid. The rule is we carry on being just as daft, still making plenty of mistakes. It’s just that we make new ones, different ones. We do learn from experience and may not make the same mistakes again, but there is a whole new pickle jar of fresh ones just lying in wait for us to trip up and fall into. The secret is to accept this and not to beat yourself up when you do make new ones. The Rule really is: be kind to yourself when you do muck things up. Be forgiving and accept that it’s all part of that growing older but no wiser routine.
Looking back, we can always see the mistakes we made, but we fail to see the ones looming up. Wisdom isn’t about not making mistakes, but about learning to escape afterwards with our dignity and sanity intact.
When we are young, ageing seems to be something that happens to, well, old people. But it does happen to us all and we have no choice but to embrace it and roll with it. Whatever we do and whoever we are, the fact is we are going to get older. And this ageing process does seem to speed up as we get older.
You can look at it this way – the older you get, the more areas you’ve covered to make mistakes in. There will always be new areas of experience where we have no gu
idelines and where we’ll handle things badly, overreact, get it wrong. And the more flexible we are, the more adventurous, the more life-embracing, then the more new avenues there will be to explore – and make mistakes in of course.
As long as we look back and see where we went wrong and resolve not to repeat such mistakes, there is little else we need to do. Remember that any Rules that apply to you also apply to everyone else around you. They are all getting older too. And not any wiser particularly. Once you accept this, you’ll be more forgiving and kinder towards yourself and others.
Finally, yes, time does heal and things do get better as you get older. After all, the more mistakes you’ve made, the less likely that you’ll come up with new ones. The best thing is that if you get a lot of your mistakes over and done with early on in life, there will be less to learn the hard way later on. And that’s what youth is all about, a chance to make all the mistakes you can and get them out of the way.
WISDOM ISN’T ABOUT NOT
MAKING MISTAKES BUT
ABOUT LEARNING TO ESCAPE
AFTERWARDS WITH OUR
DIGNITY AND SANITY INTACT
FROM THE RULES OF WORK
Get your work noticed
It’s all too easy for your work to get overlooked in the busy hurly burly of office life. You’re slaving away and it can be hard to remember that you need to put in some effort to boost your individual status and personal kudos for your work. But it’s important. You have to make your mark so you stand out and your promotional potential will be realized.
The best way to do this is to step outside the normal working routine. If you have to process so many widgets each day – and so does everyone else – then processing more won’t do you that much good. But if you submit a report to your boss of how everyone could process more widgets then you’ll get noticed. The unsolicited report is a brilliant way to stand out from the crowd. It shows you’re thinking on your feet and using your initiative. But it mustn’t be used too often. If you subject your boss to a barrage of unsolicited reports, you’ll get noticed but in completely the wrong way. You have to stick to certain rules:
Only submit a report occasionally.
Make really sure that your report will actually work – that it will do good or provide benefits.
Make sure your name is prominently displayed.
Make sure the report will be seen not only by your boss, but by their boss as well.
Remember it doesn’t have to be a report – it can be an article in the company newsletter.
Of course, the very best way to get your work noticed is to be very, very good at your job. And the best way to be good at your job is to be totally dedicated to doing the job and ignoring all the rest. There is a vast amount of politics, gossip, gamesmanship, time wasting and socializing that goes on in the name of work. It isn’t work. Keep your eye on the ball and you’ll already be playing with a vast advantage over your colleagues. The Rules Player stays focused. Keep your mind on the task at hand – being very good at your job – and don’t get distracted.
THE UNSOLICITED REPORT IS
A BRILLIANT WAY TO STAND
OUT FROM THE CROWD
FROM THE RULES OF MANAGEMENT
Get them emotionally involved
You manage people. People who are paid to do a job. But if it is ‘just a job’ to them, you’ll never get their best. If they come to work looking to clock in and clock off and do as little as they can get away with in between, then you’re doomed to failure, my friend. On the other hand, if they come to work looking to enjoy themselves, looking to be stretched, challenged, inspired and to get involved, then you are in with a big chance of getting the very best out of them. Trouble is, the jump from drudge to super team is entirely down to you. It is you that has to inspire them, lead them, motivate them, challenge them, get them emotionally involved.
That’s OK. You like a challenge yourself, don’t you? The good news is that getting a team emotionally involved is easy. All you have to do is make them care about what they are doing. And that’s easy too. You have to get them to see the relevance of what they are doing, how it makes an impact on people’s lives, how they provide the needs of other human beings, how they can reach out and touch people by what they do at work. Get them convinced – because it is true of course – that what they do makes a difference, that it contributes to society in some way rather than just lines the owner’s or shareholder’s pockets, or ensures that the chief executive gets a big fat pay cheque.
And yes. I know it’s easier to show how they contribute if you manage nurses rather than an advertising sales team, but if you think about it, then you can find value in any role and instil pride in those who do whatever job it is. Prove it? OK. Well, those who sell advertising space are helping other companies, some of which may be very small, reach their markets. They are alerting potential customers to things they may have wanted for a long time and may really need. They are keeping the newspaper or magazine afloat as it relies on ad sales income, and that magazine or newspaper delivers information and/or gives pleasure to the people who buy it (otherwise they wouldn’t, would they?).
Get them to care because that’s an easy thing to do. Look, this is a given. Everyone deep down wants to be valued and to be useful. The cynics will say this is nonsense, but it is true, deep down true. All you have to do is reach down far enough and you will find care, feeling, concern, responsibility and involvement. Drag all that stuff up and they’ll follow you forever and not even realize why.
Oh, just make sure that you’ve convinced yourself first before you try this out on your team. Do you believe that what you do makes a positive difference? If you’re not sure, reach down, deep down, and find a way of caring...
GET THEM CONVINCED –
BECAUSE IT IS TRUE OF
COURSE – THAT WHAT THEY
DO MAKES A DIFFERENCE
FROM THE RULES OF PARENTING
Relax
So who are the best parents you know? The ones who have a seemingly instinctive ability to say and do the things that will result in happy, confident, well-balanced children? Have you ever wondered what makes them so good at it? Now think about the ones you privately don’t think are much cop. Why not?
All the best parents I know have one key thing in common. They’re relaxed about it. And all the worst ones are hung up on something. Maybe they’re not stressed out about how good they are as parents (perhaps they should be) but they’re hung up about something that affects their ability to be a really good parent.
I know a couple of parents who are neurotically clean and tidy. Their children have to take their shoes off at the door or the whole world falls apart. Even if the shoes are clean. They get really uptight if their children leave anything out of place or make any kind of a mess (even if it gets cleared up later). It makes it impossible for the kids just to relax and enjoy themselves, in case they get grass stains on their trousers, or knock over the ketchup bottle.
I have another friend who is so obsessively competitive that his children are under huge pressure to win every friendly game they ever play. And one who frets excessively every time her child grazes his knees. I bet you can think of plenty of similar examples among people you know.
The really good parents I’ve encountered, on the other hand, expect their children to be noisy, messy, bouncy, squabbly, whingy and covered in mud. They take it all in their stride. They know they’ve got 18 years to turn these small creatures into respectable grown-ups, and they pace themselves. No rush to get them acting like adults – they’ll get there in good time.
Between you and me, this Rule gets easier with time, though some people still never master it the way true Rules parents do. It’s much harder to relax fully with your first baby than with your last teenager to leave home. With babies, you need to focus on the essentials – a healthy baby that isn’t too hungry or too uncomfortable – and don’t sweat the rest of it. It doesn’t matter if their poppers are done up wro
ng, or you didn’t find time to bath them today, or you’ve gone away for the weekend without anything for them to sleep in (yes, I have a friend who has done this, and no, she didn’t sweat it, being a Rules parent).
Much better altogether if you can get to the end of each day, put your feet up with a glass of wine or a G&T,* and say cheerfully to each other, ‘What the hell...they’re all still alive so we must have got something right’.
REALLY GOOD PARENTS
EXPECT THEIR CHILDREN TO
BE NOISY, MESSY, BOUNCY,
SQUABBLY, WHINGY AND
COVERED IN MUD
* No, I’m not encouraging parents to use alcohol to get them through. Just relax!
FROM THE RULES OF LOVE
Be yourself
Isn’t it just so tempting to reinvent yourself when you meet somebody new who you really fancy? Or to try and be who you think they are looking for? You could become really sophisticated, or maybe strong and silent and mysterious. At least you could stop embarrassing yourself by making jokes at inappropriate moments, or being pathetic about coping with problems.
Actually, no you couldn’t. At least, you might manage it for an evening or two, or even a month or two, but it’s going to be tough keeping it up forever. And if you think this person is the one – you know, the one – then you might be spending the next half century or so with them. Just imagine, 50 years of pretending to be sophisticated, or suppressing your natural sense of humour.
That’s not going to happen, is it? And would you really want a lifetime of lurking behind some sham personality you’ve created? Imagine how that would be, unable ever to let on that this wasn’t really you at all, for fear of losing them. And suppose they find out in a few weeks’ or months’ or years’ time, when you finally crack? They’re not going to be very impressed, and nor would you be if it was them who turned out to have been acting out of character all along.
The Rules of Wealth Page 18