But Roberta wasn’t the type of woman to find somebody else for herself and cheat back on Earl. She just got sadder and sadder. She got that bent-over look like her heart was too heavy to carry. It got to be a long time between times she try to fix herself up to go to church even. And a unhappy woman makes a unhappy uncared for home and it turns into a sorry-lookin house. Little by little Roberta’s house got that way. That ole long yard just full of dead flowers and weeds. And I do know she laid awake many a night, many a year lookin at the ceilin … alone.
But the quiet in the night didn’t tell her nothin and I sure couldn’t tell her nothin cause I was in the middle of gettin married for the third time, tryin to be “happy” again. I knew my new marriage didn’t have much of a chance cause my power to get any which man I wanted was cut down some. A mighty big some. I was tired! And lookin wore out from them men in my life! This husband-to-be was kinda my last hope, though I didn’t like to think so.
Anyway, I couldn’t go backward in life so I was tryin to go forward! My mama was gone and I sure wished I had her back to help me think and remind me of some of them things she said that I threw out of my mind when I thought I was smarter than she was, chile. I know one thing she said to all her children. Said, “I want you to remember there is a Bank of Life. Just like banks for savin money. Whilst you be livin, you be savin up all the good things and all the bad things you do in Life. They gonna be there in that bank! Sometime you can go get somethin when you need it, but most time you got to wait. Then you don’t have to go get nothin, it comes to you all by itself, all what you done put in that bank. Don’t care if you ready to draw it out or not, it comes. Sometimes a little bit at a time, sometimes a lot. You got to pay your dues, too. So you be careful how you live and what goes in that Bank of Life. You are going to get it back … someday. I can sure tell you that!” I sure remember that and I wonder what else I got coming.
Anyway, Earl didn’t feel nothing, comin and goin as he pleased. No rent to pay, no food to buy, no utilities and such. Hell, he was in heaven. He never did beat up on Roberta, sides slappin her once or twice when she grab on his clothes as he goin out the door to try to keep him home. But it’s some people, if they have to take a beatin, rather take a body beatin then a heart beatin. Your feelings can just be crushed up and bruised up and stepped all over and if you love somebody, Lord chile, it’s a pain you can’t hardly bear when you know they gonna be layin their body down side somebody else! Roberta was takin it though! Heartache, comin and goin!
I, me, who wasn’t doin so well either, I felt so sorry for her. I told her once, “Why don’t you get that child-man out of your house?!”
She answered, “The Lord is my friend and I can’t do nothin He said don’t do. He don’t like divorces.”
Well, I like to died! I said, “That man, Earl, done made a whole game out of adultry! The Lord said you could leave a person, get a divorce, for that!” She just sighed one of them heavy sighs. So, I asked her, “You love him … that much?”
She sighed again, said, “No … not really … anymore. Just that I don’t know what to do. When my Lord wants me to change, I’ll know it and I’ll do it. Sides, Earl is all I got.”
I grunted to myself. “Huh, you ain’t got him.” On my way home I told the Lord, “Listen, Lord, I know You busy and all, but You got somebody down here dependin on You and You need to do somethin for her cause she don’t just SAY she love You, she proves it!” Then I went on bout my business. It wasn’t doin too good itself. I was bout to divorce again and this time I had been true to him. My friends was helpin me get through my mess with plenty beer and wine. My kids was grown, gettin grown and I was gettin older. But lookin back, you know I was as lonely as Roberta … in a different way, but lonely is lonely, honey.
Anyway … soon after that Earl got the prostrate glands or something and was pretty shocked and miserable bout the whole thing. He couldn’t make love like he wanted to. But soon as he was able he would be out in the streets again. He be comin home drunk a lot. And still takin medicine! Then all that medicine and that liquor mixed up one day … he had a heart attack or a stroke, one. His life just almost stopped! While he was still breathin! Job lost … money gone and you know he ain’t saved none. But Roberta came through. She took care of that cheatin, worthless man and I do mean worthless, cause he was already worth nothin before he got sick.
The doctor told him he might get better with a operation, but he didn’t have no money so he told Roberta they would have to sell the house. The Lord must’a spoke to Roberta cause she shook her head “no.” He tried to sit up and cuss, but she told him not to excite himself, he better eat some soup instead. And that was that about the house.
Money was hard, so times was hard for Roberta. Them little pensions her parents had left only could cover so much and the medicine kind’a ate a big chunk of it. She spent it willinly, but when it was gone, it was gone and somethin else that would’a should’a been paid, wasn’t. She didn’t know nothin bout how to go about a lotta things, like gettin no money from the state for help.
Now, I had a woman friend, Alotta. Ohhhhhh, that woman was a hip-shakin, man-stalkin woman. Anyway, her husband, Ronald, was leaving her. See, that rotten one, good one, again. I knew he was a nice man who had got caught up with Alotta some way and I knew he needed a place to live and he could pay. Well, I liked him, not for myself, but just cause he was nice. So I told Roberta about him rentin a room from her, then I told him, too. He went to see her and I looked up one day soon after and he was movin in the spare room as a roomer.
Ronald started out bein a lot of help cause he was a roofer and knew how to work on a house. That ole house needed some fixin by now. It ended up with Roberta cookin and doin little things for him. She didn’t seem to mind cause she was already cookin for ole sicky anyway. Had to carry it to Earl in bed and everything. Always what the doctor ordered, always fixed real nice.
Roberta even sat there talkin to him or readin the newspaper to him while he looked mad at life. Finally he would tell her to stop talkin or readin. “You bore me, Roberta.” He told her that! He hurt her and he’d a been lost without her! He never did tell her the food was good or thank her for readin to him. Just took it as his due. It’s some fools in this world, you hear me?!
Wasn’t long before Roberta took his food in to him and left, then he could hear her and Ronald talkin and laughin together in the kitchen. Somethin Earl never did do with her since after the elopement. Earl would bang on his tray real loud a lot. She’d come runnin to see what he needed and it never was nothin! He just didn’t want to hear them in there enjoyin their meal without him.
Then Earl tried to get her to put Ronald out! But she wouldn’t. Said she needed the money and that sometimes Ronald took off work to take her around to all them offices they make you go to, to get some money to help her, Earl and all. They did it, too. They finally got it!
One day Earl really did try to make her make Ronald move then, cause HE said THEY didn’t need Ronald no more. He demanded, as man of the house, that Ronald move. But Roberta never had had no life with smiles and laughs in many, many years. Not much laughter mostly through her whole life. She told Earl that, and she also said, “I got someone to help me in the yard and in the house. I got someone to talk to, to help me think about life. He never forgets I’m a woman and it ain’t got nothin to do with sex and I feel glad about feelin like a woman. He helps me with my problems. I can’t put him out, I need him. I know he may go anytime, but I’m gonna rent that room to him as long as he wants it.” She didn’t fuss, didn’t shout, didn’t stomp her foot. Roberta just meant what she said.
Earl said, “Well, come in here and talk and laugh with ME! He ain’t your man, your husband! I am!”
Well, Roberta went to get all the papers she had saved over the years with all them ladies’ phone numbers and addresses and gave them to him, then handed him the telephone. Said, “Call them. I bore you.” When she was gone Earl looked through them pa
pers, but he knew them ladies did not want to hear from no sick man who needed help and didn’t have NO money. None!
Then he try workin on Roberta again. Earl was always telling her, “Now I’m home all the time with you like you always been askin me, and now, you don’t appreciate it!” Roberta wouldn’t say nothin, she just go on and wash his dirty behind or change his sheets and give him his pills, and that would make Earl so mad.
She was still sleepin with him at that time. Listenin to him gasp and snore at night, even turn him over sometimes, and he had nerve to say, “I’m home now and I want you to be glad and happy. We private. I want you to put Ronald out.” To get away from all his fussin, she started not sleepin with him sometimes and that made him mad, too. She never answered him when he accused her of sleepin with Ronald. (She wasn’t.) That made him mad too. But, somehow, Earl knew wasn’t no sense in dyin bout it.
Well, they say all the time bout what goes around, comes around.
Roberta was not tryin to be mean to Earl. She was just hungry for kindness and company. Earl never gave her any for years, and now he didn’t want nobody else to! Just wanted her stuck up in there with him and his sick ole … butt. Didn’t want her to have nothin. Now, I’m gonna tell you the truth. What Ronald and Roberta was doin was nothing! That woman hadn’t even thought about sleepin with that man. Maybe Ronald did, well, I mean … you know, but Roberta didn’t.
I got single bout that time and been single ever since. I was sick of men. And seem like I had lost all my gettin power. Maybe … I’ll try again … sometimes, after I rest awhile. But I wasn’t bored, I was watchin Roberta.
You know, day by day, night by night, with someone who helps you, someone who makes you laugh … Lookin up from the rows of that little vegetable garden Ronald helped Roberta plant, lookin up from your plate and a nice steak someone done bought you … stuff like that can’t do nothing but bring love. I can sure tell you that.
Ronald liked music and he had a record collection. That was the one thing he would spend a little money on. Music began to flow through that house. Earl used to love music, be snappin his fingers and all, but no more. He didn’t like it in his house and told Roberta bout it. Told her to cut that noise off. But she said, “We like it, but I will shut your door so it don’t bother you …” and she did. But I bet that bothered Earl more.
One day Roberta’s bank made a little payout. It was evenin and Roberta hadn’t turned the lights on yet. Ronald was just sittin there restin after a full day’s work and a bath. He put some soft music on, was nice and slow. Ronald asked Roberta, who NEVER danced, to dance. He had to teach her so he taught her his way. Now, while he was holdin her, they was talkin and, somehow, when they turned their heads they almost kissed. Their lips brushed together, anyway. On the days followin, Roberta changed. Her skin softened, her face smoothed, her features rounded. In fact, her whole body rounded, like a woman. The woman was beautiful! Even me, I can say so.
I don’t know when Ronald and Roberta tried … IT, but I know things surely changed around there, right on along with Roberta. Everything seemed to be all better. Yard and all! Them lit up windows in that house looked like they was smilin!
Now, time was passin fast. My hip-swingin friend, Alotta, who was gettin older just like I was, was findin out that it wasn’t so much HER them men had been after. It was just that what she had was free and I ain’t got to tell you it’s a mighty poor woman who can’t GIVE some away. I don’t think there is any. So, of course, they ran after her for a long while. Cause her husband had been taken care of her, them men didn’t have to. That made her look better too. But things was changin for Alotta, just like for everybody else, cause there was plenty new, younger girls out there that thought sex was love and they was just’a givin it away too! Alotta was just startin to think about tryin to see Ronald again, thinkin she could get that good man, her ex-man, back.
In fact, she was on her way over to his house that evenin when she came steppin out of the Good Time Bar and Grill and a man stepped up to her and handed her the divorce papers. She opened the papers and lost her balance, stumbled on the curb and broke one of them five inch heels. She limped on down the street talkin to that paper cause she just knew Ronald wasn’t going to really divorce her. But he sure did!
Love curled around in Roberta’s brain too and changed her mind about divorce. Cause next thing, somebody served Earl his papers in his bed and he tried to get up to cuss at Roberta and put Ronald out. That didn’t work too good, so he tried to have another heart attack! But the divorce papers stayed. Now, Earl was scared he would have no where to go. When you don’t have much money, people don’t always treat you right out there in this world, you know. I can sure tell you that! But Roberta said, “We’ll take care of you, Earl, til you die or we die.” But her and Ronald looked happy, younger and healthy.
Well, Earl, the man didn’t want to think of dyin. He wanted that warm body he had moved away from, so many times, for so many years. He wanted that body to still keep him warm in his ole sick age. But Roberta had done moved all the way out of their old room and left him to hisself. Ronald was sleepin on the couch, wouldn’t let Roberta be uncomfortable. He was a man, chile. When all the divorces were over Ronald and Roberta got married.
NOW Ronald’s ex-wife is not having any fun too much without somebody to fall back on. She got to find somebody to love her for real, again, and they don’t come too easy, you know? The Bank of Life was callin in her dues! Ask me! Cause I know about it! Ain’t I payin mine?
Around that time Ronald started carryin a lotta wood to the backyard. He was buildin a long hallway and another room on to the back of the house, FOR EARL! So Earl was IN the house, only, he was OUTSIDE the house at the same time! Have mercy!
Now … Earl lays back there, even WAY back there now, and listens to his ex-wife squeal, moan and holler up under another man. All them squeals of delight and passionate moans he never did stay home long enough to make her feel like doin.
Every time Ronald and Roberta have another baby and time come they want that child to have a room of its own, Ronald builds another room in back of the last one. Earl been moved further back three times now. They got three children. I know Earl prays they won’t have no more, cause he be on the next street then. Oh, Roberta takes care of him, feedin, cleanin and all. But, hell! His life now is listenin to somebody else’s lovin!
You know, I look at Ronald and Roberta, and I think, “Hot damn! Them people are happy!” Then I think some more. When I get through payin my dues to the Bank of Life, will I get one more chance? Just one more chance? I been takin care of myself. I don’t look so beat, so tired, anymore.
Maybe … I had the wrong friends. Roberta’s friend is still the Lord. You can say He looked out for her by tellin her what to put into the Bank of Life. They still puttin it there, together. I’m gettin older, but … I’m learnin, I’m learnin. And I’m courtin the Bank of Life. Ain’t no sense in a good woman bein alone if she don’t want to. I’m tryin to be careful now bout what I put in the Bank of Life. Hear me, Lord.
Yellow House Road
It’s some strange things in this here world. Strange things! They be under your nose sometime, but you don’t see em, don’t think of em. I guess wherever there be people with their brains always workin, anything can happen. Thinking! There be power in a brain, you just got to work on it, is all.
Right now, I’m thinking of MLee. Her mama couldn’t read or spell good, but her own name was Lee and she knew the letter “M,” so when MLee was born, she just put the “M” in front of Lee and had MLee. Sounded like “Emily,” so that was fine for her.
MLee was reared up with thirteen other children; she was round bout the middle child so she had her own kind of life. That’s what each child gets anyway. She had a little, mighty little, schoolin cause there was always some work to do with all them babies actin out or cryin and Mother was tired. Sure was.
MLee left home when she was bout fourteen, getting marri
ed to some ole big-mouth boy named Alec who said he loved her and would build her a nice home and take care of her. She had her first baby, a boy, at fifteen and the second one, a girl, at sixteen years old. She could spell much better than her mother so she named her son West, and her daughter Northa. Then, when she was pregnant again and didn’t like to have sex, Alec went out to relieve hisself and brought some ole disease home to give her and she lost the baby. The doctor say she probly wouldn’t have no more kids. By that time MLee didn’t care. She said, “I got two. That’s plenty for me, cause Alec ain’t built me no house yet noway and I don’t need nothin else to worry bout.”
Alec didn’t seem to be nobody you could love long. Sometimes he wasn’t worth a tack that fell off the wall and got stepped on. He liked to hit MLee, at first. Use to come in the house mad cause he couldn’t find no work or he done drank up the little money they had and needed real bad. She fought him back though, with anything she could get her hands on. Once he got his head hurt real bad, stitches and all. He stopped hittin on her so much after that. Sometimes he could be nice to her and his children, but not enough times. He wasn’t all bad, maybe, but he sure wasn’t much good.
Anyway, there she was in this same ole country town with two kids and him and nowhere to go and nothin to get there with. She sure wasn’t goin home out there on the other side of town to her mother and all them children and grandchildren round there. Her little space she had taken up when she was home closed right on up when she left. Wasn’t no place for her there no more.
Somehow Alec worked hard and MLee saved hard and they bought a little ole house that was already old when they bought it. Had a fence and a small barn or shed, whatever you want to call it. The wind and rain had done worn and chipped all the color off it and it had turned a old yellow color. The barn-shed was missing pieces of the roof off and some wood slats were missin and it leaned to the side like it was real tired. She didn’t never get no new furniture, just made do with what she found and what was given to her. I guess every once in a while she worked and paid for somethin that didn’t cost much. She could really cook, don’t know how she learned so good. Some people just kinda born cookin good. That’s how they paid for that cow and them chickens they got.
Some Love, Some Pain, Sometime Page 16