“Don’t you already know?” Yangbin says. “I’m sure your reconnaissance team has done a background check on her.”
Mr. Lee tents his fingers, resting his elbows on the desk in front of him. “Son, I’m watching out for you. If you do things in my hotel, I’m going to find out about them.”
His hotel? So Yangbin’s dad owns this place? Looking around, I guess it makes sense. My gaze wanders over Yangbin’s profile. His jawline is flexed, lips thin. He’s still beautiful. I already knew he was too good for me, but to add wealth to that is almost unfair. I try to free my hand, but Yangbin won’t let go.
“Are you going to tell me why I’m a liar?” Yangbin says, his tone cool. “Or are we going to sit here all day while you play Lord of the Manor?”
That seems to ruffle Mr. Lee’s feathers, and he stands again, coming to the other side of his desk. He takes one of the subordinate chairs and flips it around to face us. He doesn’t sit, but he supports his weight on the back of it. I’m a little terrified, but I don’t allow my limbs to shake.
“Did you know,” Mr. Lee says, with a smirk that speaks of secrets, “That your friend, Vee, is actually named Verina?”
He really did check up on me if he knows my full name. I feel a tad naked.
“So what?” Yangbin says. “People go by shortened names all the time.”
“Did you also know,” Mr. Lee says, stepping forward. “That she works for a small bakery in Little Falls, NJ?”
“Yes,” Yangbin chides, releasing my hand and putting an arm around my waist. He pulls me so close our hips knock. He doesn’t look at me, but his hold is urgent.
Mr. Lee smiles wider, and I see where Yangbin got his dimples. “Then you also know that bakery hired Verina to work at the Christmas benefit.”
Yangbin loosens his hand, but he doesn’t let go. He also doesn’t speak. I thought he knew. I tried to tell him.
“Yangbin,” I say, needing to know his thoughts. “Is everything okay?”
He shakes his head, blinking. “Yeah, of course.” He tightens his fingers on my waist again, and I lean on him for support.
“Now that I think about it,” Yangbin says with a laugh. “I should’ve known from the start. After all, she delivered their cookies.”
A huge weight raises off my shoulders. He still likes me. I can’t believe I got this lucky.
Yangbin stares down at me, like he’s trying to send all the tenderness in the world my direction.
“I wouldn’t change a thing,” he says, and I swear he’s going to kiss me again. Dad watching or not.
“Well then,” Mr. Lee says loudly, taking a seat.
Both of us look back his direction, Yangbin’s fingers still holding my waist. I would be flying if I hadn’t noticed the evil smirk Mr. Lee’s sporting. Yangbin must’ve gotten his dimples from his mom because Mr. Lee is one-hundred-percent stern.
Why do I sense that he thinks he’s won? “You’re dating a very honest girl. Does she know about you?”
I don’t need to know anything about Yangbin. I wouldn’t care if he was a beggar who was tone deaf. I like him for his personality.
“I got a very interesting call from Columbia this afternoon.”
The college? That place is Ivy League. I get good grades, but I still wouldn’t dream of going there.
Yangbin drops his arm, his hand brushing across my back as he goes. Why is he disconnecting from me like this?
“You might think you can do whatever you want,” Mr. Lee continues, the grin on his face too happy for the way Yangbin is shrinking into himself. “But I got you into Columbia, and you’re going there whether or not you want to.”
Why wouldn’t he go to Columbia? They have a great music program.
Yangbin’s head is hanging so low, you’d think his dad kicked him. I try to touch his arm, but he’s too withdrawn.
Mr. Lee stands again, taking his stance behind the desk. “Don’t tell me you think you’re going to do something with that shoddy group of friends you call a band?”
I can see Yangbin’s Adam’s apple bobbing as he continues to stare at the floor. I’ve never seen Yangbin vulnerable like this, and I’m not sure what to do. I force his arm away from his side and hold on to the crook of his elbow. Bending over, I catch Yangbin’s gaze. One glistening tear is on his cheek.
I’m sorry, I don’t care who Yangbin’s dad thinks he is, but he cannot make his son feel this way. It’s abuse.
“You don’t even know how good he is,” I spit.
It’s about time I defend my boyfriend. After all he’s done for me, it’s the least I can do for him. I should’ve known from the moment I met him he would play the manipulation game.
He might have some strange hold over Yangbin, but he has nothing on me.
“My cousin who lives in Eygpt knew about them. If they tried to become famous, it would happen in a heartbeat.”
Columbia is cool. I can get behind Columbia. But I want Yangbin to follow his dreams.
Mr. Lee shakes his head before making eye contact with me. I don’t flinch. “You know about his flight to California, then?” he says, one eyebrow raised.
Not sure how that’s any of my business.
“You have the gall,” Mr. Lee says, looking at Yangbin again. “To think you can rent an apartment in California on my dime? Could you really keep that a secret?”
An apartment? Wait a second. Yangbin is moving? I was already worried about being an hour away, but California is on the other side of the country.
“Yangbin?” I question, trying to get him to look at me.
“That record deal is crap,” Mr. Lee says. “I plan to relieve you of it as soon as possible.”
I try to tune Mr. Lee out. He’s done enough damage already.
“You’re moving?” I say to Yangbin. I let go of his arm and touch his chin so he’s forced to face me. “You have a record deal?”
“Vee,” he says, his eyes watery. “I swear, I wasn’t trying to hide anything from you.”
Why do I feel so violated then? “So you’re leaving me? Without saying anything?”
He shakes his head. “It’s not like that.”
I was wrong all this time. Here I was, going around like some ditz who believes there’s such a thing as commitment in this day and age. I can’t believe I was fooled into thinking Yangbin really liked me. He was going to play with me like everyone else, then he was going to run. I have no idea why I would be his target, but obviously he doesn’t care if I’m a tool.
“Then what’s it like, Yangbin? Because right now I’m feeling a bit used.”
Yangbin’s brows come together as he lets out a heavy breath. “You weren’t supposed to find out this way.”
That sounds a lot like he was going to keep a secret until the last second. “How was I supposed to find out then? When you leave?”
Yangbin doesn’t answer which is as good as a yes.
“Is this one of those, do first and ask forgiveness later, deals? Because if so, I don’t really buy into it. When is your flight, anyway?”
Yangbin shifts his weight. His head hangs as he rubs the back of his neck.
“He didn’t tell you that either?” Mr. Lee breaks in. He’s so smug I could slap him. “My son here, thought he was going to fly out the day after Christmas.”
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, which means it was going to happen in three days. The very same day I was checking out.
I wait for Yangbin to defend himself. But he doesn’t.
“I understand you wanting to leave me,” I say, because honestly, it’s true. I was never his equal. “But you can’t just talk to me about it?”
Yangbin stays still as I learn the meaning of getting my heart ripped out of my chest.
“Talk to me!” I scream, but he doesn’t.
I thought I knew pain. I rolled down a mountain, for heaven’s sake. But physical hurt doesn’t compare to this. Today was supposed to be the best day ever, and for one shining moment, it was. A
couple of hours ago, I thought I was loved. Guess I’m just a stupid teenager after all.
“I’m going to walk out that door,” I say, hurt catching in my throat. “And I want you to stop me and explain.”
“Vee,” he says, tears glossing his cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”
“About what?” I bark, my hands in fists.
“I have a reason. Let me talk to my dad first, and—”
“You can stop there,” I say, backing away. “You promised me...” I have to breathe or I’ll hyperventilate. “It hasn’t been a half hour since you promised me.” My hands are shaking so bad I have to hold them to my sides to keep them steady. “I can’t believe you were keeping a secret this huge.”
He shakes his head. “It’s not like that. If you just give me time, we can—”
“No,” I say, cutting him off again. “Your promises don’t mean anything. I don’t want excuses. What I want is honesty.”
I wait for the truth to come spilling from his lips, but there’s only quiet.
“I guess this is nothing then,” I say, backing away. “I’ll show myself out.”
There are footsteps behind me, but I don’t turn to look.
“Vee,” Yangbin says, grabbing my hand as I hit the elevator button.
I rip myself free. “Unless you’re going to explain, I don’t want to hear it.”
Yangbin holds his hands in front of him, looking smaller than he ever has. “Would it be enough for me to tell you I’m keeping silent for us?”
The elevator dings, doors opening. I want to believe his words. I want this to all be a dream that I’m observing and not part of. But I already risked my heart once, and all that brought me was pain.
“I’m afraid there is no us,” I say, watching the elevator door close in front of me.
Iced Over
The moment the elevator is moving, I crumble. One of my legs was already messed up, and now the other one refuses to work. This tops every stupid thing I’ve done in my life. I didn’t know the meaning of idiocy before today.
Yangbin is nothing but the rose he gave me. It may look pretty and smell good, but it will still prick you if you take hold.
I loved him. I’m done denying it. This type of hurt doesn’t come from a simple crush. It shouldn’t make sense because it hasn’t been that long. I know I’m young and foolish, too, but if this isn’t love—if ripping open my chest and handing someone all of my heart isn’t what it means to be in love—then I don’t want it. Time doesn’t matter when I’ve already made the decision to be with him through whatever comes our way.
He was the one who decided to ruin that. I ran only because he was planning on leaving me, and I thought it would lessen the hurt. It doesn’t.
The strange thing is, I can’t cry about it. I want to. If it was up to me, I would fill this elevator with my tears, but there’s nothing left. The hollow space in my chest where there should be feeling is void.
My whole body is numb. I can’t hear. I can’t smell. I can’t even feel the tile under my fingers.
When I get back to the ground floor, I use the handrails to stand. A few employees are lingering around. They don’t hide their stares as I hobble out alone.
I don’t know where I’m headed, but I know I can’t stay in a hotel Yangbin’s dad owns. The back door is no good either. If I see Yangbin’s waterfall, I might break.
There’s too many people wandering around the square in front of the hotel, so I head for the hills. I can’t get to the ski resort without a shuttle, but I can hike to the bottom of the mountain.
My foot only lets me get so far, but I feel hidden enough to rest here. My brain alerts me that it’s cold, but I choose to ignore it. At least the sun is still up.
I don’t know how long I sit, unmoving. All I can do is replay my harsh words over and over again. Maybe I should’ve been more forgiving, but the thought of seeing Yangbin sends a fresh wave of hurt through me.
How can he say he likes me, then so blatantly ignore my needs? I should’ve known from the start it was all me pining over him. It’s his fault for leading me on. Man I wish he would’ve just rejected me on first sight.
“I found her!” someone yells in the distance, and I squint to see Miriam approaching me.
When did the sun go down? I didn’t notice its descent.
A bit of water touches my nose, and I look into the sky to see a white flurry falling on my head. Snowflake kisses touch my eyes, my hands, my feet, washing me clean.
“Vee,” Miriam says, standing over me. I can see her, but she looks two dimensional. Just cardboard cutout of the girl I know.
“What are you doing out here without a coat?” she says, grabbing my hands and rubbing them. “You’re going to freeze to death.”
I should, I deserve it.
“He didn’t want me,” I say, my words small through my stiff lips.
“Who, honey?” she says, rubbing my arms next.
Miriam drops my arms like weights and starts rubbing my legs.
“Of course he was going to leave,” I continue. “It couldn’t end any other way. And here I was, worried about impressing him. Stupid.”
“She’s over here,” Miriam yells behind her. “She needs help, I don’t think she can move.”
The cold is good. It matches my soul.
“We’re going to take you back to the hotel,” Miriam says, wrapping my arm around her neck.
I shake her off. “I’m not going there.”
I try to stand, but I end up slipping. My legs are stiffer than I anticipated.
Miriam is motioning to someone, and Ben comes into view.
“I guess you’re going to California too?” I say, not hiding my venom.
Ben and Miriam exchange a look, Ben shrugging his shoulders.
“Honey,” Miriam says, “I’m afraid you have hypothermia. We need to get you inside.”
Ben tries to get under my arm, but I push him away with what little force I have.
“I’m not going anywhere with traitors and I’m never going in that hotel again. If I’m sick, take me to the hospital.”
Miriam’s big brown eyes take up half her face and she backs up. Ben is holding his hands as far from me as possible.
“Verina!” my dad calls, hiking up behind Ben.
“Uncle,” Miriam says. “I’m really worried about her.”
“Your mom already called an ambulance,” Dad says to Miriam. “Now watch out so I can carry her.”
I relax my limbs, not fighting as dad takes me away. Sure enough, blue and red lights flash in the middle of the square. A crowd has gathered, trying to figure out what happened.
“Move!” My giant father yells, and everyone does.
Paramedics bring a stretcher and once again I’m staring at the sky. Only this time I forget to fight. The snow can bury me for all I care.
“Merry Christmas,” Mom says, bursting through my hospital door.
I feel bad that I had to spend Christmas Eve away from my family, but turns out sitting in the cold for six hours can do funky things to your system. Since then, I’ve been warmed, fed, and treated very well.
There’s still a painful shard in my chest, but at least I can pretend to be a regular person. I haven’t told anyone about Yangbin leaving. His flight is tomorrow. I don’t know where he’s leaving from or which plane. Not that I’m trying to chase him or anything.
“You ready to go home?” Mom asks, coming to my bedside.
Am I ever. I stood my ground about not returning to the hotel, and my parents agreed to check out a day early and spend Christmas in our tiny house. Miriam’s family is coming too.
The nurse enters, wheelchair ready for me. I almost lose it when I sit inside. Why does something so silly remind me of Yangbin? Even though he betrayed me, I still have good memories. It’s like my brain is just playing with me.
“It’s alright,” Mom says, patting my back. “This will all be over before you know it.”
I hope so,
even though Mom has no idea my real illness is heartbreak.
“Thanks for letting me share your room these past two nights,” Miriam says, packing the last of her stuff.
“Hey,” I say, giving her a light punch. “Anytime. It’s been great having you around, actually.”
It’s true. Her friendship is the only thing that kept me sane yesterday as I thought about Yangbin leaving. She helped me stay nice and busy so I could ignore it. I don’t know what I’m going to do without her.
I pick up her backpack. “Let me help you out.”
Miriam furrows her brow. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
I pat myself down as if to check. “Yep. Ribs are healing, and it’s not as hard to walk.”
Miriam smiles. “Alright. If you say so.”
I walk her to the door where our parents are exchanging hugs and crying. I don’t blame them. It’s been pretty awesome having family here.
“Well,” I say holding my arms out for a hug.
Miriam plows into me, almost knocking me over. “Thanks for everything,” she says, “Especially for going to see MIXX.”
That’s one wound I don’t want to reopen. “Sure,” I say. “Thanks for just hanging out with me.”
“I feel bad,” Miriam returns, hanging her head.
She has no reason to feel bad. “Why?”
“Because,” she sighs. “I owe you one, and I never got to repay you.”
I laugh. That’s it? “Don’t be silly. You don’t owe me anything.”
Miriam’s family starts to pick up their things, and my uncle opens the front door so they can scuffle out.
When he doesn’t leave right away I stand on my tip-toes to see over his shoulder. Ben is standing there, his hand raised mid-knock.
No one is moving, so I decide to speak up. “Ben?”
Miriam jumps next to me, trying to see over her dad’s shoulder. “Ben? Where?”
“At the front door,” I point, my jaw falling open.
Why is Ben here? I thought he went to California with Yangbin.
Miriam decides to take the short person route, and plows through all the adult’s legs. I push forward too, hungry for answers. Maybe Yangbin didn’t leave.
I almost fall over when I realize what I’m thinking. I still have hope for someone who used me. I can’t just charge, head first, back into his arms. Whether or not he left isn’t the issue. It’s that he was planning on leaving without saying anything.
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