by L. D. Davis
“You wouldn’t be thinking of throwing that longboard at me, would you, Donya?” he asked, his head tilted to one side. His hair fell into his eyes and I wanted to run over to him and push it off of his forehead. Not because there was anything wrong with it there, but because I liked my hand in his hair.
“Fine,” I said, dropping the board from one hand. “I’ll go.”
“Give me a couple of minutes to change and get my board,” he said, walking up the driveway.
I started grumbling to myself as I hopped back on my board. I looked down the road. I was tempted to skate away.
“Don’t even think about skating away,” Emmet warned from the door. “I’ll just find you and drag you into the car. I’ll always find you.”
I rolled my eyes at him, but when the door closed I was even more tempted to skate away. Just to have Emmet put his arms around me to drag me into the car.
I thumped myself in my head with the palm of my hand.
*~*~*
So much for trying to push thoughts out of my head. Boarding with Emmet in an empty parking lot only made me think of Emmet. It wasn’t fair. I was mad. I was hurt. I was a little thrilled and I was crushing a little, and I guess that’s what made me most angry.
I had taken pride in the fact that my best friend had two older brothers and I had not crushed on them even once, even though they were good looking guys. Other friends drooled all over Emmy’s brothers, but not me. They were my brothers, or so I thought. Emmet apparently was not, but then again, I wasn’t necessarily looking at Emmet as a brother anymore, was I?
I spared a glance in his general direction only to find his eyes already on me. It threw me. Really. It threw me. My skateboard threw me. I fell backward and tried to brace myself before my head hit the pavement, and it did, but at least it didn’t bounce. That’s the worse.
“Donya,” Emmet said and I heard his footsteps running to me. I also heard my board rolling away.
I groaned and tried to sit up as Emmet reached me.
“Is my board okay?” I questioned him, looking around for it.
“You just busted your head on the pavement and you want to know if your board is okay?” he asked disbelievingly.
He was kneeling beside me with one hand on my shoulder.
“Well, is it?”
He sighed. “Your board is fine. Come on.” He stood up and helped me to my feet. “Is your head okay? Does it hurt?”
He gingerly touched the back of my head and watched my face for a reaction.
“It’s fine,” I murmured.
He was standing too close to me. I could feel the warmth radiating off of his body. I took a step back and he took a step forward. This startled me, and I stepped back again and managed to mess it up. I started to fall backward, but Emmet’s hands snaked around me. I was roughly pulled into his body and we both stumbled. I grabbed onto his jacket to steady myself and after a moment we were still again.
I started to laugh, but this was so not funny. I was pressed up against Emmet and his arms were around me and he was looking down at me with a weird expression that made that feeling in my chest explode inside of me. I held my breath. I should have moved away, but I felt frozen in his arms.
One arm squeezed me tighter and a hand was suddenly close to my face. I flinched and he sucked in a breath and looked angry, but when his fingers pushed loose strands of my hair off of my face, his face softened. My breath exploded out of my mouth and I prayed that it smelled okay. I mean, I brushed and rinsed, but you never know about breath. Especially after a night of drinking.
“I am going to give back what I stole,” he said in a soft tone that made me shiver against him.
Those green eyes burned into my eyes and I started to whimper, but I managed to swallow it.
“Did you steal my money?” I questioned stupidly.
“No,” he gave me a small smile.
I swallowed hard. “Did you steal my hidden stash of junk food?”
He grinned and shook his head. His grin faded back to a slight smile.
“I stole your first kiss,” he said gently. His hand pressed lightly on the back of my head as he moved his face closer to mine. “I am going to give back what I stole.”
Emmet’s lips softly met mine. I began to tremble. He smelled so good, and his lips felt…Oh my god, I would have never imagined this would be how Emmet’s lips felt against mine. Warm, soft, but…demanding. He gave me a moment to get acclimated to his lips on mine, and then his tongue was tasting the seam of my lips. I gasped. He could have taken advantage of my parted lips and slipped his tongue into my mouth, but he didn’t, not yet.
When he gingerly pulled my bottom lip between his and leisurely ran his tongue across it, I was shocked and embarrassed to hear myself moan. It was a very quiet moan, but there was only the two of us in this lot. Of course he probably heard it. I was so embarrassed, but my embarrassment was forgotten when Emmet’s teeth softly sunk into my lip. Another sultry sound escaped my throat. This time he used my hopeless noises to his advantage. His tongue slipped gently and smoothly between my lips.
When his tongue touched mine, I didn’t know what to do. I understood the basic mechanics of French kissing, but I didn’t want to shove my tongue down his throat. I didn’t want to mess it up. I didn’t know what to do with my tongue, so it just sat there.
Emmet seemed to not mind that I was so stupid. He repeatedly teased my tongue, giving it small strokes with his tongue. It started to kind of tickle. To relieve that sensation, I moved my tongue and I gasped again. My tongue hit Emmet’s and oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I did it again and I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t want to stop feeling my tongue move with his and his lips against mine. I didn’t want to stop but it was so…wrong. Wasn’t it? It didn’t matter. I’d worry about it later.
When Emmet finally released me, I was dazed and breathless. I stared up at him. I was shocked, embarrassed, appalled, thrilled, excited, and uncomfortable. My young body felt things it shouldn’t feel. My chest was tight with emotion.
I stepped back, away from Emmet. That so was not a brotherly kiss.
Emmet took a step back, too. Even though he was the one that initiated this intimate moment, he looked just as shocked and appalled as I did. He pushed a hand through his hair and looked at me with big eyes.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” he said breathlessly.
“Probably not,” I agreed weakly.
“You’re too young.”
“No, I’m not,” I argued that part. I wasn’t condoning what just happened, but I was not too young for him. There was a little more than two years between us.
“You are,” he said soberly.
“Fine,” I said and turned away from him. I walked the few feet to my board, picked it up and kept on walking.
“Where are you going, Donya?” Emmet asked behind me.
“I guess I’ll go to the playground and play with the little kids because apparently that’s how you look at me, which makes you a bit of a pervert.”
I heard an exasperated snarl behind me and then his hand was on my arm, spinning me around to face him. I opened my mouth to yell at him, but then he was kissing me again. My face was locked in his hands as he kissed me. I kissed him back, but I knew I shouldn’t. It wasn’t about the age. It was just an awkward situation considering my place in his family.
I pulled away this time. I struggled for air as his thumbs stroked over my cheeks. I jerked back away from him, out of his hands. I threw my board down on the pavement and started to skate away from him as fast as my legs could take me. I’m glad he had enough sense not to follow me, because I definitely did not want him to see me cry.
Chapter Five
We didn’t have cell phones back then, at least most people didn’t. There was no way for anyone to call you when there was an emergency, like if your dog got sick, or your roof was leaking, or if your father died. If you weren’t at home or at some known location where there was a phone, h
ours could be wasted searching for you, and then when you were found, they would say “Where have you been?”
That’s what Emmy said to me when I got back to her house just as dark was falling. I dropped my skateboard in the foyer and inspected the scrape on my elbow from when I fell. After I skated away from Emmet, I went to my top secret hideout so I could clear my head. I hopped a bus to Philly and spent my day at the art museum. Something about the sculptures, the various paintings and displays was soothing. My favorite spot there was the European art. Sometimes I’d spend a good hour just admiring Portal from the Abbey Church of Saint-Laurent. I was never a religious person, but the beautiful stone work left me mesmerized.
“Doesn’t matter where I’ve been,” I said. I was unwilling to give up my secret place. “I’m here now.”
I looked up and discovered the entire family had gathered into the foyer: Fred, Sam, Emmet, and Emmy. They were all looking at me. My heart just about leapt out of my ribcage.
“Is it my mom?” I asked in a panic.
“No,” Emmy said, taking my hands into hers. “It’s your dad. Donya, he...” she paused and looked at me with deep sadness. “He overdosed. He didn’t make it.”
“Overdosed?” I snickered and shook my head. “On what? On life?” I laughed. “No, that’s impossible since he was barely living one. My dad wasn’t on drugs.”
Sam and Fred exchanged a look, but remained quiet.
“Don’t have a private conversation with your eyes that I’m not privy to,” I snapped, pulling out my adult words like ‘privy’.
“Honey, your dad overdosed on heroin,” Sam said.
“But…” I looked into all of their faces. “My dad didn’t do drugs. I’ve never seen him do drugs.”
“He hid it from you very well,” Sam said sadly.
Of course he hid it from me very well. He was never around. By the time I was thirteen I would sometimes go days without seeing him. He would show up, pay the bills, ask me about my life and listen just long enough to get the bare minimum and when I’d wake up in the morning, he would be gone again, leaving me to deal with my mom. When I called him on it, he said he was working long hours and it was easier to stay closer to work since it was an hour plus drive away.
I pulled my hands out of Emmy’s and wiped my palms on my jeans.
“I’m going to go to my mom’s house,” I said softly, looking at the floor. I picked up my skateboard and put one hand on the door behind me.
“I’ll drive you,” Emmet said.
“It’s a few blocks away,” I said, irritated. “I’ll be fine.”
“You shouldn’t be alone,” Emmy said.
I laughed and looked at her. “When I get to my mom’s house, I will be alone. I’m always alone there. I think I can handle the few blocks alone to the house that I will be alone in.”
“Then I will come with you,” Emmy insisted. “I’ll stay with you.”
“I wouldn’t want you to get sucked into the black hole with me,” I said and to my surprise my voice waivered.
“You are my best friend, D,” Emmy said. “I’ll go anywhere with you.”
She ran upstairs to get a few things, leaving me the center of attention in the foyer. I felt like I was one of the objects I had looked at in the museum.
“I’d really appreciate if you all stop looking at me as if I’m going to fall to pieces, because I’m not. My dad left me a long time ago, so this really…” I took a deep, shaky breath. “This really isn’t a surprise that he found a way to leave permanently.”
Without warning, without any kind of shudder or whimper, I was hit full force with grief. I hated to cry in front of anyone. I wasn’t a crier. I cried once today because that whole kissing thing was just damn confusing to my teenage hormonal body and mind. I did fall apart. Suddenly and brutally I was sobbing as I dropped my board on the floor with a loud clatter.
Emmy was halfway down the stairs when the onslaught started, but it was Emmet who wrapped his arms around me and held me. I held on to him fiercely. I was afraid if he let me go I would melt to the floor and just die myself. I cried in his arms for several minutes before I was able to pull myself together. He released me reluctantly, pushing my hair off of my face for the second time that day.
I convinced Emmy that I needed to go home alone. I didn’t know how my mom was going to be and I didn’t want her there if it was bad. Emmet looked at me knowingly, but I didn’t elaborate to anyone else. After some further discussion, Fred convinced me to let Emmet take me home and I finally agreed. Sam and Fred, the parents I wish I had all along, hugged me and kissed me and promised to be a phone call away. Emmy wiped my tears and promised she would be over bright and early no matter what. She walked out to the car with us and stood in the driveway as we pulled away.
We were quiet for the three or four minutes it took for Emmet to drive me home, but he drove with one hand and stroked my hair with his other hand. I never found the words to explain how comforting that small gesture was.
When we pulled up in front of the house, I noticed cars of the relatives that rarely stopped over, that never helped out, and it made me angry. Emmet saw the cars, too and his eyes narrowed a bit.
“Just try to be patient,” he said, picking up on how I was feeling.
“I’ll try,” I said without any commitment. I put my hand on the door to let myself out.
“Donya,” he said my name quietly. I looked at him expectantly.
He brushed hair off of my cheek and even in the lightly dimmed car I could see his eyes drop to my lips. Then he took a breath and pulled his hand away.
“Call me if you need me,” he said simply.
“Okay,” I said and now my eyes dropped to his lips.
We sat staring at each other for probably almost a full minute before I finally made myself look away. I pushed open the door and got out to go face some demons.
Chapter Six
I kissed Emmet again the night of my dad’s funeral. My mom had locked herself in her bedroom and my dad’s siblings and a few other random relatives were sitting in our home saying terrible things about my mom and my dad. The things they were saying were true, but they weren’t trying to be helpful. They were putting themselves on pedestals, separating themselves from us as if they were somehow better people. There aren’t better people. Just better circumstances. I was only nearly fifteen and I got that. Why didn’t they?
“I’m going out for a walk,” I had said as I walked through the living room with my board under my arm. “And when I come back I want you all out of my house.”
“Who she talking to?” I heard my Aunt Amanda snap. “Oh, I know you’re not talking to me, little girl.”
I whirled around and looked at the gossipy, hypocritical bunch.
“None of you ever came over here to help before,” I snapped. “Don’t sit there and pretend that you give a shit when you don’t. No one ever came over here to make sure I was okay or to make sure mommy was eating and none of you ever came over to check to make sure she was still breathing. Get out of our house. You don’t belong here.”
I slammed the door behind me and before I could skate away, my aunt was in the door yelling at my back about how she was going to kick my ass if I ever spoke to her like that again and that I was in no position to tell her what to do and I’m just as crazy as my mom. With restraint I barely had, I skated away without looking back.
I had found myself back at that parking lot where I had kissed Emmet. It was dark at nearly eight-thirty in late October. There was a soft hum from the tall lampposts that bathed the lot in soft light. I really shouldn’t have been out there by myself in the dark. It was set back away from any main roadways and there were few houses or open businesses in the vicinity, but I really wanted to clear my head.
I had been moving in slow lazy arches for some time when I saw the headlights of a car. I started to worry that it was going to be some psychopath out for his nightly killing and raping, but when the car stopped a
few yards from where I stood on my board, I realized that it wasn’t a psychopath at all. It was just Emmet. I looked on with curiosity as he got out of the car, reached inside and then produced his board. Did he know I would be there, or was it a coincidence?
“You shouldn’t be out here by yourself in the dark,” he said, stopping in front of me.
“I’m not by myself,” I said pointedly.
“You were before I got here,” he said, dropping his board to the pavement.
I gave him a little shrug and pushed off and away from him. We rode in a comfortable silence for a long time. It was getting very cold and I was mad at myself that I had forgotten my gloves in my haste to get out of the house. I pushed my hands into my pockets but it wasn’t quite enough to keep them warm. Every few minutes I would take them out and rub them together and blow warm air onto them before pushing them back into my pockets. I stopped for a moment to adjust my jacket and pull my knit cap over my ears. Emmet stopped in front of me just as I started to rub my hands together again. Startling me, he grabbed my hands. He put them together as if I was about to pray and then he rubbed his hands over mine. I sighed happily as my hands began to heat up under the friction of his hands rubbing on mine. He bent over slightly and cupped his hands around mine and blew. My hands warmed, but so did my whole body.
What the hell was this feeling? What was with the tingling that started in my fingertips and radiated throughout my entire body?
“Better?” he asked softly as he slowly rubbed my hands.
I nodded. I couldn’t speak. Not with the way he was looking at me. Why did he have to have such beautiful eyes that made me feel like I was happily drowning in a green sea?
“Did you know I was out here before you got here?” I blurted out.
Where had that come from? Who cares? I guess I did.
Emmet nodded slowly as he again blew hot air onto my hands.
“How did you know I was here?”
He shrugged. “Just a feeling.”