by L. D. Davis
I started to walk around him to go into the house, but I must have hurt my knee when I fell, because it hurt like a bitch, but I didn’t stop walking. I went inside and managed to avoid Sam. In a state of shock, I moved about my room, getting clothes and toiletries before making my way into the bathroom. On my way I heard Sam bitching about the shattered glass and Emmet snapping at her. I turned on the shower as hot as I could stand it, stripped, and got inside. Not until I was under the heated spray did my shock begin to wear off. I stuffed my fist into my mouth to quiet my cries of disbelief and agony. I bit down so hard, blood seeped slowly out of my knuckles. I knew I’d never be okay again.
I felt Emmet leave, and I hated how the stretching of the twisted, rotting cord felt in my chest. When I finally came out of the shower a half hour later, I took off the bracelet that had been with me all of these years. I went into Emmy’s room and dug an envelope out of the small desk in there. I hastily addressed the envelope to Emmet’s home address and dropped the bracelet inside. I dug around until I found some old stamps and though I probably over did it, I smacked all of them on there. I put on some clothes and flip flops, ignored Sam’s line of questioning, took the keys to my rental and took off at a high speed down the dirt road. I sped into town to the small post office there. Leaving the engine running, I got out and walked up to the blue mailbox for outgoing mail. Without any hesitation, I dropped the envelope in the box.
I couldn’t sever that fucking cord, but this was as close as I could get to doing so.
I got back into the car and started back to the house, banishing any more fantasies about a life with Emmet Grayne.
Chapter Forty-Six
I sat at the little kitchen table with my knees pulled up to my chest, sipping a cup of hot tea and peering at Jerry over the rim of the cup. His skin was a toasty brown from hours and days spent in the sun playing baseball. His hair was cut short, but when he let it grow out a little bit during spring training, the waves were silky smooth to the touch. He had the body of an elite athlete – strong, muscular legs, tight, rippling abdomen, firm pectorals and powerful arms. I liked his body, especially when it was on mine, but that wasn’t my favorite thing about Jerry’s appearance. My favorite thing was his long eyelashes. They were abnormally long and thick, making his gray eyes irresistible when he really wanted to use them on me.
“I feel you staring at me,” Jerry said. He was reading the newspaper but his eyes had shifted to me when he spoke.
“I’m staring at your pretty eyelashes,” I said with a smile.
The paper dropped to the table and he looked at me incredulously. “Did you just call me pretty, princess?”
“No, I called your eyelashes pretty.”
“Do they make my eyes pretty, too?” he asked in a girlish manner and batted his eyes.
I giggled and said “Your eyes are pretty all on their own.”
“Well, that’s a relief,” he said, getting to his feet. He leaned down and kissed both of my eyes. “Your eyelashes are pretty, too.”
He carried his empty plate and mug into the kitchen and put them in the sink. I put my tea down and unfolded myself from the chair so that I could give him a proper goodbye.
“I’ll see you in two days,” Jerry said, putting his hands on my hips.
I shook my head. “No, you will see me in ten days.”
“Ten? I have a double header in Oakland and then I’ll be home.”
“I am leaving for Japan late tomorrow morning and then I’m going to India and won’t be home until next Sunday. Did you forget?”
“I did,” he said, frowning. “Then I guess it will be twelve days before I see you because -”
“You have a game next Sunday in Houston,” I finished his sentence and nodded.
“For someone who still doesn’t know what an RBI is, you know my schedule pretty well,” he said with a grin.
“You would think that after dating you for so long that I would know what an RBI is, but…” I shrugged. “I still don’t follow much lacrosse.”
“It’s a good thing you’re adorable,” he said and kissed a corner of my mouth. His smile faded, however, until it had turned upside down.
“Why are you frowning?” I asked as I poked gently at his mouth.
“When we first met I told you that I didn’t get serious with women because they couldn’t handle my schedule,” he said quietly.
“Yes, I remember.”
“You have handled our scheduling conflicts like a champ.”
“So have you,” I said, putting my hands on his chest.
He took one of my hands into his and held it against his chest over his heart. His expression was one of utmost seriousness.
“I don’t want any more scheduling conflicts,” he said gruffly. “I now understand how those women must have felt, if they felt even half for me that I feel for you. I always thought that I would be okay with things the way they have been these past eight months, but I’m not okay anymore.” He pulled my body flush against his. “I love you.”
I sucked in a breath. That was the first time he had said it. It had always been implied in his actions and words, but never said outright. He had tried to be aloof and pretend that he wasn’t as attached to me as he really was, but I knew that he was. I didn’t want to push – or be pushed – into something we weren’t ready for. I loved him, too, though my love for him would never be like my love for Emmet. The two were in two different dimensions. I couldn’t even begin to compare one with the other, but I left Emmet out of my feelings for Jerry, because that just was not fair to me or Jerry.
“I know,” I finally breathed with a smirk.
He laughed softly. “That wasn’t what I was expecting to hear.”
“I don’t know what you were expecting,” I said nonchalantly.
“Oh, I think you know, and you better say it to me before I walk out that door.”
“Or what?” I challenged.
“I’ll ask Sam to be here when you get back.”
“No need to be cruel,” I admonished. “Fine. You win. I love you. There. Are you happy now?”
“Say it like you mean it,” he commanded softly.
“I love you,” I said slowly.
“I know.” He kissed me, long and sweet and then left.
On my way to Japan the next day, since I had nothing else to do during the long flight, I thought about Jerry and me and wondered what was next for us. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to happen. He said he didn’t want any more schedule conflicts, but I wasn’t sure what that meant. I truly doubted he was going to quit playing baseball, but did he expect me to quit modeling?
My belief many years ago that my career would fizzle out by the time I was twenty-six or so was wrong. I was going to be twenty-eight in a few days and amazingly, work was practically falling into my lap. I still got booked for incredible shows and I was still very much in demand. I had staying power, and while that made me feel empowered and very good about myself, as I got older I decidedly wanted more out of life. I was growing anxious for a life that didn’t have me on an airplane every other week. I was ready to settle down, but I didn’t want to make my decision based on what Jerry wanted. I had to do what I wanted to do because I wanted to do it, not because he thought I should do it.
My shoot in Japan had gone very well and the photographer was one of my favorites, but I had overheard a couple of people discussing a model who was only a little older than me. Suzie had been very successful when she was younger, but now she was barely touched in the industry. Something about her stopped appealing to the powers that be. The common reason I tended to hear from others was that she was just too old, but there were models older than her still working their magic, but as I really began to think about it, I realized that was the problem. This model in particular lost her magic. She grew tired and weary and frustrated and instead of bowing out before her career consumed her, she hung in and the very things that had made her amazing at what she did began to dimi
nish because her heart wasn’t in it. Instead of retiring with the respect of the industry, they figuratively kicked her into the gutter. I didn’t know if it bothered Suzie, but I thought if that happened to me, it would bother me. I had worked hard over the years and made very large sacrifices. I would be damned if I was going to go out like that.
I had several credits under my belt from taking online college courses over the years. I only had about a year and a half left of schooling, but I would have to physically go to classes. Once I finished, I could start a whole new career if I wanted to. I had plenty of money to support myself while I completed my education. I could leave the business before I lost my own magic, and make my years of work and sacrifices mean something. I wasn’t sure where Jerry would fit in with my changes but one thing was for sure, our schedule conflicts would be at a minimum.
I called Emmy before I even left the beach where the shoot was, so that I could talk to her about it. I hadn’t spoken to her in a couple of weeks other than some text messages. The first thing she did was wish me a happy birthday. I had forgotten about my birthday by the time I landed in Australia. It was ironic that I was considering making such a drastic change on the day I had forgotten was my birthday.
I told Emmy about Suzie and told her I thought I was ready to wrap it up.
“I want to quit while I'm still good at what I do,” I told her. “I don't want to be a washed up has been.”
“You lead such a fabulous life, though,” Emmy said. I could hear the trace of doubt in her voice.
“I lead a lonely life, E,” I admitted. Traveling alone all of those years was beginning to take its toll, and even though Jerry and I saw each other as much as possible, we spent more time apart than together. Since Emmy left college and started working in the real world, she didn’t travel with me much, so most of the time I was completely alone. “I want to have a somewhat normal life. I want a family, a permanent home and a minivan.”
I didn’t know where that came from. Of course someday I wanted to have children, and definitely a permanent home, but a minivan? That was over the top, but I knew it would shock Emmy.
Emmy gasped, as expected. “Now you're going too far. A minivan? Unbelievable.”
“I knew that would hit you hard,” I laughed.
By the time I hung up with my best friend, my mind was made up. I was going to quit modeling. I was going to stop taking on more work and finish up my commitments and start a new era of my life. I was happy about my decision, but part of me was sad that I wouldn’t be starting that new era with Emmet. This was a milestone in my life that he had been longing for, but now he would never reap the benefits of it. We hadn’t spoken or seen each other since that terrible night in Louisiana. I wondered what would happen if I told him I was quitting. Thinking about it was bringing me down when I should be excited, so I hastily pushed it out of my head as best as I could.
I was considering calling Jerry to tell him my decision as I let myself into my hotel suite. I had no idea what his intentions were. For all I knew, he was going to break up with me because we were too serious.
I crossed the threshold and halted. My eyes must have widened so much that they looked cartoonish, and my jaw probably hung comically to the floor. There were brightly colored flowers everywhere in my small suite – on the floor, on the table, on the bureau, on the desk, on the window sill, and on the night stands. On the bed lay an enormous bouquet of roses with a card resting against it. I slowly began to cross the room towards the bed, but couldn’t stop gaping at the bright, multicolored flowers all over my room. Where had they come from? How the hell did they get them in there? I felt like I had just stepped out of Auntie Em’s and Uncle Henry’s tornado-thrown house and into Oz.
I picked up the bouquet of roses and brought them to my nose and inhaled. I smiled at the smell before I plucked the envelope off of the bed. I sat down on the edge of the bed, opened it and pulled out a folded note. The words were typed, but I had no doubt that if Jerry could have sent a handwritten note to the other side of the world in a day, he would have.
Donya, I hope you have a beautiful day today, but if you didn’t I hope these flowers have cheered you up. I can’t wait to see you again. I am counting down the days, the hours, the minutes, and seconds. When you come back, there is something I want to ask you regarding our future together. I love you always.
Jerry
I clutched the note to my chest like a giddy school girl and squealed. I looked around at all of the flowers, grinning like the biggest fool. So much for wondering what Jerry’s intentions were. I think I figured them out just fine.
*~*~*
I was feeling rather melancholy as I looked at the diamond on my left ring finger. The ring Jerry slipped on my finger when he proposed when I returned from Japan was beautiful. He spared no expense buying it. It was huge, and I was sure that when I turned my hand the right way in the sunlight, it blinded anyone within a half mile radius. I wasn’t one for flashy jewelry, but I knew that Jerry was thinking with his heart when he bought it and gave it to me, so I didn’t mind wearing it.
I was happy, for the most part. I felt like my life was pulling together as it should, but sometimes when I caught a glimpse of the ring on my finger, I was reminded of the ring that Emmet had given me when I was practically still a kid. I had been happy then, too, and I couldn’t have imagined a life without him. Now I had someone else’s ring on that finger and I was moving forward in a life that had nothing to do with Emmet. In fact, I was moving forward rather quickly, because I was only about twenty-four hours away from marrying Jerry Vasquez.
Spring training was starting in less than two weeks. Once that started, Jerry wouldn’t have time for a wedding. I had suggested that we wait another year and get married after the season ended, but Jerry was insistent. He said that besides his career, he had never wanted something more. He wanted to start the season with me as his wife. I had felt panicked about getting married so quickly. It was mid-October when he asked me and our wedding date was set for mid-January. I hid my panic and gently tried to dissuade Jerry from the January wedding. I reminded him that I was still working, that it would take several months before things settled down for me, but by early November, the decision was made and we were planning our nuptials. The day after our wedding I had to fly to Paris for an appearance at an event that I could not get out of. I then had to go to London and then Madrid. By the time I would get back to the states, Jerry would be in spring training. For quite some time, we would still have a scheduling issue, but I chose not to bring it up. Surely he had to know that, too.
I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing. Was I marrying Jerry because I really loved him and wanted a life with him? Or was I marrying him because I didn’t have Emmet? Worse yet, was I marrying him to spite Emmet? I asked myself all of those questions and more, and the best answer I could come up with was: Yes, I loved Jerry and I wanted a life with him, but maybe a tiny, rebellious part of me was marrying him to spite Emmet, too. To prove to him that it didn’t matter what the hell kind of sick cord connected us…I could live without him. That’s what I told myself, and I had to believe it was true to move forward.
The wedding was taking place at the house in Louisiana. It was Jerry’s idea. The weather was warmer than it would be up north, and the grounds at the house were extensive, and the beautiful lake view was a bonus. I agreed with him, but I felt a little bit like I was betraying Emmet by having the wedding figuratively and literally in his own backyard. I wasn’t sure if he was coming or not. I didn’t personally invite him, but Emmy, who had no idea that we weren’t speaking sent him an invitation.
I didn’t tell Emmy about that night. I didn’t tell anyone. I had a feeling Sam knew more than she let on, but she never brought it up other than to yell at me for breaking a glass and not cleaning it up. It was easy to hide the fact that Emmet and I weren’t talking, because he lived in Florida and I lived up north. I traveled a lot and when I wasn’t traveling I
was with Jerry. Everyone assumed that we were communicating, but I never confirmed or denied it and I guess Emmet didn’t either.
After the wedding rehearsal, we all made our way to the rehearsal dinner. It was at a country club that Sam and Fred belonged to not too far away. It was an upscale place with really good food and a great atmosphere. What I really liked about it was that on Friday nights they had dancing. After a delicious meal where there were a few speeches, some funny and some tearful, I convinced my soon-to-be husband to take me into the main dining room for some dancing.
The night was going well. Almost all of us were dancing, including Sam and Fred. I was passed around from partner to partner, every male wanted a chance to dance with the bride. It was while I was dancing with Fred Jr. that I felt it. It was as if a rubber band had been snapped and now it was quickly retracting. When a rubber band snaps back, if your fingers are in the way, the rubber stings. My whole damn body was in the way. The initial sting started in my chest and quickly radiated throughout my entire body, affecting my throat, my lungs, and my heart. My throat felt like it was closing up, it became a chore to force air in and out of my lungs, and my heart pounded at my chest cavity without mercy. I peered over Freddy’s shoulder. Through all of the others on the dance floor I met the piercing green eyes of the man who was walking across the dance floor with a purpose.
I looked around frantically, hoping I would find a means of escape, but it was already too late.
“I’m cutting in,” Emmet said to Freddy without ever taking his eyes off of me.
“Nice of you to show up,” his brother snorted.
He stepped away from me before I could stop him. When Emmet stepped towards me, I took an automatic step back, but he wasn’t going to let me out of this. He put his hand on my waist and roughly pulled me closer to him. So not to cause a scene, I relented and put my hand on his shoulder and the other hand in his.
For a long time, Emmet didn’t speak. He simply stared at me, completely oblivious to the room full of people surrounding us. I put on my supermodel personality and painted on a small smile. I looked away from him and let my eyes travel casually around the room. When I saw Jerry dancing with Emmy, I pleaded with him with my eyes to rescue me, but he didn’t see the plea and went on dancing.