Undesirable

by Laura Stapleton

  Fifteen minutes of searching near the livestock and at the Springs, she found Hester and Charles at the campsite eating dinner.

  Before Marie could say anything, Hester said, “You let the meal scald.”

  “Looking for you two took longer than I’d planned.” She knelt and scraped her food from the bottom of the pan.

  “Granville is having the usual get together tonight.” Charles stood and put his dishes in the wash pail. “I’m not going. Instead, I want to visit with someone who is going south.”

  “We can go, and you meet us there when finished,” Hester offered.

  “Sounds good, Hessy.”

  She wrinkled her nose at Marie. “You can wash up before dark, can’t you?” Standing, she added her dish and spoon to her brother’s. “Maybe you’ll be done before Charles finds another group for us.”

  The other woman left before giving her a chance to retort. The thought of leaving everyone behind loomed too real all of a sudden, and her dinner turned flavorless in her mouth. Marie put down her spoon, no longer hungry. She picked up the washing on the way to the water. Her least favorite chore, she did the dishes as fast as possible to be through sooner. Clothes still hung from every clean surface of the wagon. She frowned, not wanting to fold them later on this evening. Putting away the dishes, she then folded laundry. Marie imagined conversations she’d need to have with Hester and maybe Charles about the division of labor between them. Including those two’s shares to her fair share was beginning to anger her. She put the last of the clothing away, shaking her head. Bottling up fury until it exploded did no good. Hester laughed at her while her yelling drove Charles out of the house.

  She felt Sam’s guidebook in her pocket where it rested against her leg. He’d want it back before they parted. Marie’s breath caught in her throat. She’d never thought of never seeing him again. Had her feelings for him always been strong but hidden, she wondered. Or was the thought of separation creating new emotions? She straightened her skirt. Either way, time with Sam ebbed to a close, and she wanted each second possible until they left the Granville party.

  Marie made her way to the larger group, smiling when seeing her friends already there. Jenny waved to her, not interrupting Lefty’s talking. Ellen shared a blanket near the fire with Arnold, both unaware of her approach. Hester sat beside Sam while everyone listened as Lefty told a story. Arriving too late to catch anything of the tale, she settled on a scrap of blanket next to Uncle Joe.

  Without a pause, Lefty concluded, “When I opened the door, my cat walked inside the house with its head in its mouth.”

  She smiled at how the men laughed while the ladies shuddered. She told Lefty, “You must tell me this story later when the others aren’t around. It sounds incredible.”

  “Why sure, ma’am.”

  His face turning ruddy, Marie wanted to ease his shyness around her. “We don’t have to be too much alone, just enough to not bore the others with hearing it again.”

  “Of course, ma’am.”

  The boy was relentless in his polite formality. She gave him a smile and looked up when a movement caught her eye. Charles approached, and Marie waved. He saw and shook his head, instead going to a spot near Sam. Sitting next to his sister, Warren addressed Sam. “So, Granville, I’ve found a group headed south.”

  “I see. Will you be joining them tomorrow, or going with us until they leave our path?”

  “A little bit of both. Staying with you will give my wife a chance to say goodbye to her friends.”

  “That’s considerate of you.”

  Charles laughed. “I do have an ulterior motive. Letting her have a little of her way keeps the peace around here.”

  “Do you know where exactly this group will go?”

  “Some. They drew a map in the dirt for me. We’re to head south into Utah after Fort Bridger, supply at Salt Lake City, and head out to Humboldt River.”

  Sam nodded. “I’ve heard that route takes miles and days off the travel time. It would be the best way to go.”

  “We agree? Mark this day down as a first, Hessy! Granville and I agree on something.”

  Marie disliked her husband’s disingenuous laugh, the one he gave now. She’d heard it many times at dinner parties where he’d later confessed he was “suffering fools.” When he leaned back to chat with his sister, Marie glanced at Sam. She froze, having not seen the expression on his face since Jimmy’s death. His sorrow reached to her across the way and felt like a physical thing in her heart. Stunned, she felt her mouth gape open a little before recovering enough to look away, close her lips, and force a placid expression. He’d been staring at her, hadn’t he? Marie snuck a peek at him. He stared into the fire, lowered eyelashes covering his eyes. His mouth set in a grim line showed his mood.

  After seeing his anguish, she felt like an automaton at a State Fair sideshow. She was able to move and pretend, but nothing else. The conversations went on around her. Marie tried to listen, but inside, her stomach churned. She didn’t want him upset over her leaving. Recognizing her own conceit made her smile. Of course, his mood had nothing to do with her. They were friends, true. Even families parted ways out here, doomed to communicate through letters for the rest of their lives. If dissuading her husband from California didn’t work, perhaps she and Sam could keep up a respectable amount of correspondence themselves. Lost in thoughts of how to get his address in Oregon City, she startled when Sam began speaking.

  “Tomorrow isn’t coming any later than usual, everyone. We have a rough week ahead of us and need to rest.” He stood and helped Hester to her feet while Charles still struggled to gain a footing. “Lucky, you and I have first watch.”

  Not wanting to leave, she hesitated before joining the Warrens on their way back to the wagon. Sam disappeared before she could talk with him, so Marie said her good nights to everyone as they dispersed.

  Seeing how the twins readied the beds for sleeping, she took the bucket to fill with water. She and other groups had made a well-worn path, easily seen in the gibbous moon’s light. At the spring’s edge, she scooped up half of the pail. She made her way back to the wagon circle, stopping short at someone blocking the path.

  Marie looked up into Sam’s face as he said, “We need to talk.”

  She nodded. “All right.”

  “Now and in private.” He took her hand, leading her back to the group.

  His fingers warmed hers. She liked his body heat and shivered in the night air. “Where are we going? Shouldn’t we be walking away from everyone for the privacy?”

  “We will.” He turned right just before the camp, taking her toward the rising moon. “I didn’t want to cut across the shrubbery.” Steadying her as she slipped down the steep decline, he added, “I found this last night while on watch. We’re far enough to be alone but not so much we’re vulnerable.”

  She nodded then realized he probably couldn’t see her very well. “You planned this?”

  “Yes, since I first heard Warren’s change in plans.” He turned to face Marie, pulling her close. “Tomorrow, we’ll be reaching a good place for you all to leave our group.” Holding her in his arms, he said, “Don’t go with him, please. I know this is wrong, and I hate myself for saying anything to you, but I can’t stand the idea of you leaving us.”

  “We could write,” she offered.

  “Marie…”

  “That won’t be enough, will it.” She’d phrased it as a question, but her tone came out as a statement.

  “No, not for me.” Sam leaned closer to her. “I should have kissed you when I had the chance.”

  She leaned back, afraid of what would happen if their lips touched. “It might be best if you didn’t since you seem to feel strongly about my leaving.”

  “There’s nothing halfway about my feelings for you.” He pulled her into his arms. “Marie, I love you. What can I do to keep you with me?”

  “Sam! You can’t say such things.” She put her hands on his chest, trying to keep
him at a distance. “How we feel doesn’t matter in the least. I’m married, and if Charles wants me to go, I have to follow.”

  “You have feelings for me?”

  “It doesn’t matter-” She squeezed her eyes shut to block out his earnest face.

  He tilted up her chin, caressing her face. “Say you don’t love me, and I’ll walk you back to your husband right now.”

  She opened her mouth, trying to say the words. Unable to lie, Marie replied, “I can’t. You deserve honesty. Yet, I can’t tell you I love you.”

  “Yes, you can. In fact, please do.” He pressed his mouth to her ear and whispered, “You’ve told me with your eyes more than once. I’d love to hear it from your lips in a kiss or two. Aren’t you still wanting an appraisal?”

  “No,” she lied

  “Are you sure? Because I’m more than willing.” He kissed from her ear to the middle of her forehead.

  “Oh dear, Sam. Before was an experiment to help me with Charles. Now, it’s more. It’ll mean everything now.”

  “Marie,” he growled, his lips claiming hers.

  The breath caught in her throat at his touch. Desire overtook her as a hunger for more raced along her skin and into Marie’s heart. The last sane portion of her mind gave up resisting as she melted into him. Sam’s mouth was the only soft part of him. He felt long and lean against Marie’s curves. She shuddered as his kiss deepened. One of them moaned, she couldn’t tell who. Her heart skipped a beat when his hands slipped to her lower back. He’d been right. Now might be the last moments they’d have alone together. She ran her fingers through his hair, wanting every inch of contact possible. Desire tingled through her like static, especially after feeling his arousal for her. She broke the kiss first. “Sam, I need…”

  “Enough,” he hissed, putting her at arm’s length. “If we continue…”

  “We can’t.” She stepped back, missing his touch too soon. “We’ll already regret this much in the morning.”

  Sam ran a hand through his hair. “You need to get back to camp. If Warren notices you gone, there will be hell to pay.”

  “And rightly so. ” She followed him as he led the way through the brush. “I’m sorry for encouraging you this way.”

  He paused, sighed, and continued to her wagon. They neared her family, and he squeezed her arm. “Good night, Mrs. Warren.”

  “Until tomorrow.” Marie left him, concentrating on not making a sound. She placed the water next to the wagon, then went to her bedroll and slipped in next to her husband.

  Charles turned over, cuddling her. “You took a while. Longer than I expected.”

  Guilt settled in her stomach like a cold stone. “I’m sure. It’s so dark, one of the men helped me to the springs and back.”

  He chuckled, “Should I be worried?”

  She winced, glad she faced away from him. “Of course not. I’m a married woman.”

  “That’s my girl.” He held her close, his leg thrown over both of hers.

  Eyes wide, Marie stared at the orange glow of the last few embers. In ten years of marriage, she’d told her first lie to him. Her lips still felt Sam’s and she ran her tongue over them, fighting her hunger for him. She closed her eyes, wanting to forget this betrayal.

  Marie awoke in almost the same position in which she fell asleep. Thinking a silent thank you to whoever started the coffee, she sat upright. Memories of last night and knowledge of today flooded her mind. She bit her lip, unsure if Sam’s kiss had been real or a dream. A cracking stalk of sage caught her attention. Noises all around her told of how others readied for traveling. Resigned, she stood and retrieved three coffee cups from their place. She poured and drank a cup by herself. The disappearance of her husband and his sister had alarmed her the first few times it happened. Now, though, she realized how commonplace their morning absence was. One or the other gave a different reason every time as to why she woke up alone. Most of their excuses blamed her laziness in caring for the animals. The fire burned low, and she decided to let it die for a change. Unwilling to wait on the Warrens, she folded up the bedrolls. Some water remained in the bucket, so she poured the cleaner part of the liquid into a canning jar for later today.

  Lucky’s bugle notes sounded. Still, the Warrens weren’t there. Marie swallowed down panic. Instead, she rechecked that everything had been packed. She went to where the oxen were staked and brought them to the wagon. People to the east of them rolled past her to the west as she struggled to fasten the yokes. She frowned at the irony of being left here, never to see Sam again, instead of being pulled from him by Charles.

  “Darling!” Warren ran up, holding Hester’s hand and almost dragging her behind him. “You’ve hitched the team! Great work!” He hoisted himself up on the seat, helping his sister up as well.

  “Thank you.” So relieved as to be out of breath, Marie hadn’t realized how afraid she’d been. Looking back at their camp, she saw the coffee pot still on the embers, waiting for the twins to drink. She heard Charles’ whistle and instinctively looked towards him as the Warrens’ wagon began to roll away. She raced back to the camp, grabbed up the pot, and emptied it onto the dying embers. Walking fast at first to catch up, she began a slight run as they gained speed and continued down the smooth road with the others. When at last she reached the wagon, Marie dropped the cooled pot in the back, glad it was empty.

  Task completed, Marie paused to catch her breath. She smiled at her family’s hurry. When the same thing happened last week, they confessed to feeling shamed over the late hour. Charles had said he wanted to catch up with everyone else. The dust made her cough a little. She trailed behind, and a little upwind so the stiff breeze kept her out of the dirty air.

  Being at the end of the line meant Arnold and Lefty brought up the tail. She saw them when looking back, as they ambled along and kept guard. Most mornings she didn’t look for Sam like she did today. Their kiss last night seemed more of a dream than real. Her stomach gave a slight clench from the memory. He’d been wise to refuse her at Laramie. She’d drunk enough whiskey to know intoxication. Just his touch warmed her blood and shut down her good sense in much the same way as liquor did. Seeing others walking a little ahead of her, Marie slowed. She wanted more time to think about Sam.

  What felt like love and desire last night seemed more like foolishness in the harsh light of day. She’d chatted enough with the soiled ladies to know all men lost interest in a woman after a while. Charles had, and so would Sam. Mr. Granville, though a good reason, couldn’t be the only one for her wanting to go to Oregon.

  “Hey, little filly!” Sam hopped down from his horse. “Looks like I need to rope you in with the rest of the herd.”

  She laughed. “You’re right!” Looking up into his eyes as he fell into step beside her, Marie saw affection shining back. Shyness, an odd feeling for her, took over, and she didn’t know what to say.

  “It’s a beautiful day.”

  “It is.”

  “I should apologize for taking liberties with you last night.”

  “No need. You were merely tardy in granting my request.”

  He grinned at her. “I deeply regret passing up such a chance. Just think of how helpful I could have been in evaluating your kisses every night since Fort Laramie.”

  “Oh dear.”

  “I remember you’d asked for any criticisms.” He shrugged. “There are none I can give. I imagined how your lips would feel, but the reality far surpasses my dreams.”

  She choked a little while saying, “You are a charmer.”

  “Yes, I am, and I’m also honest.” Sam gave her a slight smile. “Which is why I need to tell you something. We’re reaching a fork in the road sometime near noon. You’ll possibly be headed south, and I meant what I said last night. I love you.”

  His declaration in the clear morning air alarmed her. “Sam! You can’t say such things!”

  “Judging how far we are from those up ahead, I can say anything I want for the next few minu
tes or so. So I’m using the time to tell you how much I’ve grown to care for you. I know it’s wrong, that you’ll go wherever your husband leads, but you need to know if you’re invisible to him, it has everything to do with his blindness, not your blinding beauty.”

  “If I can’t convince Charles to stay with your group, I’ll miss your flattery. Maybe it’s best if we head south. You and I are too infatuated with each other.” Her heart clenched at the fib. She ignored her feelings and continued. “I blame myself. I propositioned you and haven’t done much to discourage feelings between us.”

  Close enough for others to hear, he gave her a glare. “I’m glad it’s mutual, though I seem to be the only one suffering.”

  Marie laughed at his boyishly stubborn face. “You are. Now go and be our leader while I visit with my friends.”

  He gave her a wink before getting back on Scamp. “As you wish, ma’am.” Sam rode ahead, tipping his hat at the ladies he passed.

  She caught up to Jenny as the girl walked with Ellen and her stepmother. Marie said, “Good morning.”

  “Did you know? It’s awful.” Jenny hugged her. “We’re to be at the Parting of the Ways today.”

  “Will you and your family leave us there?” asked Mrs. Winslow

  Jenny pleaded, “Say no, please.”

  Ellen shook her head. “She can’t do that.”

  Marie glanced from one to the other of the girls. They’d shared trials and stories these past few weeks, making them lifetime friends. “I don’t want to go, either.”

  “Once Oregon gets statehood, more people will move there. All of them will need goods,” said Ellen. “It might be nice if your family had a shop set up and waiting for them.”