by E M Gale
“Stay away from huge spaceships, Rob,” I said automatically.
He looked confused.
“Who owns it then?” I asked Cleckley, slurping my coffee. “It’s not bloody Kujjie is it?”
“Kujjie?” asked Cleckley.
“Kooj Koossh-adj.”
“You call him Kujjie!” he exclaimed, looking shocked. My friends looked confused.
“Well, no. It’s just a really hard name to pronounce. I just can’t seem to wrap my tongue around it.”
“And you said it wrong,” said Anna. “If that was supposed to be a Kreegle name–”
I nodded.
“Well, in that case you should pronounce it: Kuj Kuz-aj.”
‘Hey, that’s what I did say!’
“You don’t know him, do you?” asked Cleckley suspiciously.
‘Eek! Cleckley’s too clever. He figures out about time travel, then just ’cos I give someone a nickname, he guesses that I know them! Maybe doctors have psychic powers in the future. Come to think about it, he knew all about Price as well. How the hell does he do it?’
“Eh? No. I just heard mention of him in some bar at some point on some planet somewhere,” I said vaguely, waving a hand around my fake uncertainty.
Cleckley just nodded and he didn’t look too suspicious.
‘Phew, I think I got away with that. He doesn’t have that knowing look he had when he was talking about time travel. Still, if Cleckley knows of him Kujjie must be kinda famous. I didn’t think pirates were usually famous with their real names; it’s that much harder to maintain plausible deniability when you’re caught.’
“Who is he anyway?” asked Anna.
“Scourgy pirate,” I commented with a shrug.
“One of the most feared, most notorious pirates in the galaxy,” said Jane.
‘Ah, she’s capable of listening to bar gossip too, then.’
“Oh,” said Anna.
“But he doesn’t own this place, right?” asked Mark, frowning.
“No, it wouldn’t be neutral ground if he did,” explained Jane.
‘Neutral ground, eh?’
I took another gulp of the coffee. I was too tired to drink coffee. It tasted bitter to me and my body could taste the caffeine and was very definitely telling me that it wasn’t what I needed.
“A mysterious pirate called Alucard owns it,” said Cleckley.
I spat my coffee out and started laughing. They all stared at me.
“What sort of corny, pretentious, melodramatic vampire would call themselves that?” I exclaimed when I could get a breath. Cleckley looked alarmed.
“Eh? Why do you think he’s a vampire?” said Mark, as I mopped up the coffee with a tissue.
“’Cos he’s called himself Alucard, obviously. Only a vampire would do that.”
“Who is Alucard?” asked Rob.
“It’s Dracula backwards.”
Understanding dawned across their faces. I didn’t think it was giving anything away to have spotted that.
“Maybe it is Dracula.”
I shook my head. “But he’s a fictional character.”
“Well, what if he wasn’t?”
“Eh?”
“What if there was a vampire called Dracula?”
“Dracula just means ‘son of dragon’. I think it’s a made-up name. Bram Stoker wrote his book based on legends and stories about Vlad the Impaler and Elizabeth Bathory.”
“Well, maybe they were vampires.”
“But…”
‘Well, maybe they were. It’s not in the history books, but then it wouldn’t be, would it?’
“Who were those people?” Mark asked me.
‘Oh, great. Why’s he asking me?’
“Uh, Vlad the Impaler was a famous Romanian warlord and Elizabeth Bathory was… er… a lady somewhere in the dark parts of Europe during the medieval ages.”
“Oh… and what have they got to do with vampires?”
They were all looking at me. I coughed nervously.
‘Why are you asking me about vampires? I’m not a vampire. No vampires here. I’ve never even seen a vampire. Normal Homo sapiens, me.’
“C’mon, guys, don’t you know any history?” I said.
“I knew about Tortuga,” pointed out Rob.
“Romanian nobility, right?” said Anna.
“Well?” asked Mark.
‘Meh.’
I cleared my throat.
“Vlad the Impaler used to impale his enemies’ heads on big wooden stakes and dip his bread in their blood and Elizabeth Bathory used to bathe in virgins’ blood,” I said rather quickly.
‘If they were vampires, they’re hardly positive PR.’
“Eww!” said Anna.
“Maybe Bram Stoker was Dracula and decided to write about his life!” suggested Rob.
“It’s written from the point of view of the vampire hunters, not Dracula,” said Jane. “And since vampires were not commonly known at that point in history, why would a vampire risk exposure by writing about his life?”
Rob shrugged.
“Anyway, pirates,” I said, interrupting Rob’s next comment. “Why won’t they attack each other on Tortuga?” I asked Cleckley, who was giving me a considering look.
‘Oh, what’s that about?’
“Er, they’ve agreed not to,” he said.
Everyone was looking at Cleckley and not at me.
“That’s it?” I said incredulously.
“Yes.”
“A criminals’ agreement?”
“Well, what else?”
‘Fair point.’
I sighed. “Just tell me, I can take my sword, right?”
Cleckley nodded.
“We’ll be there for a few days, Clarke,” said Rob. “We’ve got to fix a lot of damage from that boarding missile thing.”
‘Oh, great. Hold on…’
“Hey, that means I’m on holiday, right? Yay!”
‘On holiday on the same small spaceship as several would-be assassins. Not so ’Yay!’’
“But… do we want to go aboard?” asked Anna. “If it’s owned by a vampire pirate…” She sounded worried.
“Well… so long as none of us have done anything to piss him off.”
‘I hope my future self hasn’t. That could be awkward.’
“But…” Anna was quiet for a moment and bit her bottom lip. It made her look petulant. “What if he wants to impale us or bathe in our blood?” she asked. “Or both?”
“How would both be worse?” asked Mark, amused.
“Why would he want to do that?” I asked.
“Because he’s a vampire,” she said, her eyes wide.
I frowned. “I never said that Vlad the Impaler or Elizabeth Bathory were vampires. They were just inspiration for that bloody book.”
“But couldn’t they be vampires?”
I shook my head. Not that I knew they weren’t, of course. “Well, Elizabeth Bathory was bricked up in a room and left to die. And she did, so I doubt it. A truly horrible way to die.” I thought for a moment. “And who ever heard of a vampire leading an army?” I said, deadpan. Cleckley blinked and then looked at his drink. Jane gave me an odd look.
“But… I’m not sure about Tortuga.” Anna was biting her lip again. “It doesn’t sound like a nice place.”
I nodded, but I wasn’t really listening to her. “A big spaceship you said, right, Cleckley?” He nodded. “How big?”
“Well, very big.”
“What does it look like?”
He looked thoughtful.
“If you say a Transylvanian castle, I think I might scream,” I added. He laughed at that.
“No, it looks like a spaceship.” He took his glasses off and gestured with them. “I’m not really good at describing such things, but it’s, um… big and roundish.”
Not a very helpful description. “Huh.”
‘I guess I’ll get to meet the mysterious ‘Alucard’ when I’m there. Honestly, why would
someone want to be known as that? I’ll make sure that I drop into conversation that he has a stupid name.’
We chatted for a little while longer. One by one my friends bailed out and went to bed. I wandered back to my quarters for more coffee a few times. None of them had remarked on the coffee or the fact that I hadn’t drunk my wine. And none of them, other than Cleckley, had figured out that I had pirate assassins after me personally.
“Are you going to go round Tortuga with us tomorrow?” Rob asked me as he got up to leave.
“Yeah, sure. Knock on my door.”
‘If I’m not dead or captured, I’ll answer.’
He looked happy at that, but unhappy to leave me with Cleckley. He glanced at him a couple of times as he left and frowned. Cleckley just smiled back.
“Clarke…” Cleckley started once Rob had gone.
“Yeees?” I asked suspiciously.
“You’re not Elizabeth Bathory, are you?”
I gave him a shocked look. “What? No! Of course not! Where the hell did you get that strange idea from? She lived centuries before me!”
“Says the time-travelling vampire,” he whispered.
“Look, I would never have done any of the stuff she did!”
“Why? What did she do?”
I frowned.
“OK, sorry. You just seemed to know a lot about her, that’s all.”
“Oh, honestly!”
“And why did you say that no vampire ever commanded an army?”
I shrugged. “Well, they don’t know, do they?”
“Ah, but what about when they find out?”
I sighed. “They won’t find out.”
He chuckled. “Clarke, they’ll find out as soon as they know you’re a vampire and/or it occurs to one of them to look you up.”
“If they were going to look me up they would have already done so,” I said with a sigh.
“How do you know that they haven’t?” he asked curiously.
‘Eh?’
“Well… none of them were smart enough to source any information. And… none of them have asked me about it…”
‘Hmm… He might have a point.’
“You think they know, but they haven’t mentioned it to me? Why? Why would they do that?”
“I don’t think they know yet, but I bet they’ll find out before you get back home.”
‘Hmm, OK.’
“Five thousand pelfre,” I said, holding my hand out.
“Done,” said Cleckley, shaking my hand and chuckling. Then he pointed his index finger at me. “And when they do, don’t be so wrapped up in it that you forget to pay!”
I laughed at that.
“Are you feeling a bit better now?”
“Weirdly… yes. Despite the fact that I now know that some random people are trying to kidnap me for some reason.”
He raised his eyebrows at that. “Ah… the major interrogated the assassins then?”
I nodded. “All the recent pirate attacks were aimed at me.”
Cleckley nodded, but didn’t look surprised.
“You knew, didn’t you?”
He nodded again. “I had figured it out.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t know for definite. And as it wouldn’t have made a difference to what you would do, I thought it best not to worry you.”
I sighed, but let that one go.
“Still, better kidnap than assassinate, that’s what I always say.” I thought for a moment. “Or maybe what I will always say. It sounds like a suitable catchphrase for such situations.”
Cleckley laughed. The marines came over to join us.
“You OK, Clarke?” asked Stonewall.
“Yeah, fine, other than tired–really, really tired–but fine.”
“Do you know who’s after you?” asked Cliff.
“Not a clue.”
“Too many to choose from, I guess,” said Petey.
I stared at him in shock. “I’m sure everyone loves me.”
He sniggered. “Well, I’m sure they do, but I think you must have many enemies knocking around out there.”
I sighed. “Two hundred years is a long time.”
‘Who knows what enemies my future self has picked up.’
I shook my head.
‘She could have told me this stuff. Or warned me. Or kept her own bloody enemies to herself.’
“Anyway, do you think they’ll attack tonight?” I asked the marines.
“Well, they could attack any time,” said Grom. I sighed at that.
“From anywhere,” added Wright.
“In any manner,” said Petey.
“I know, ask a stupid question…”
They laughed.
‘Am I going to have to stay awake all night? I was exhausted when I got up this morning, I really don’t want to have to stay awake all night as well.’
“Ah… bugger it,” I groaned. I stood up and stretched, and then yawned heavily.
‘It’s either another gallon of orcian coffee, which I reckon will probably kill me, increased caffeine tolerance notwithstanding, or sleep, during which I might get attacked. Hmm, a hot shower and a comfy bed. Or just a comfy bed. I could keep the sword handy…’
‘They’ll have to knock first, right? They won’t be able to teleport into my quarters, will they? And if they do, they can kill me before I wake up. But at least I’ll get some sleep before that point. OK, Clarke, you’re focusing on the wrong thing here.’
I shut my eyes and massaged my temples. “I… am going… to bed,” I announced. Then yawned again.
“Are you serious? Someone’s trying to kill you!” said Wright.
I held my index finger up and corrected him. “Technically, they are trying to kidnap me. I suspect the murder comes after or at least between the gloating.”
“But what if they try to kill you?”
“They gotta wake me up first.” I yawned. “It’s only fair. ’Course, that gives me an unfair advantage, I’m really hard to wake up in the mornings.” I walked off.
“How can she be so laid-back about it?” asked Cliff, awestruck.
“I guess it ain’t all that unusual for her,” said Petey. “If she didn’t sleep just ’cos people were trying to kill her, she’d probably never sleep at all.”
“No, I think she’s just really exhausted,” said Cleckley, showing that all those years in med school hadn’t been wasted. By that point I was out of hearing range and I didn’t care what they said anyway.
I walked into my quarters in a daze, took a quick, hot shower, then got dressed again, just in case. I had the concealed knives on and I hid a sword under the pillow. It made the pillow uncomfortable, but I still fell asleep as soon as I had pulled the cover up to my neck.
I Am Not A Pirate!
There was a thumping noise. Someone was definitely banging on my door. I was awake, and, thankfully, no longer exhausted. I found myself with a face full of pillow, my hand under it gripping a sword hilt. I heard my door open and I lifted my head.
“Clarke?” said Anna. I stared blearily at the light. Once my eyes realised that they were no longer asleep and decided to focus, I saw Anna, Rob, Jane and Mark all peering through my doorway curiously.
‘What the hell? Pirates are trying to kill me and I managed to go to bed and leave my door unlocked! Oops!’
“You awake?” Anna asked.
‘Why are they all peering at me?’
“Yes. Just,” I said. “You guys see any pirates attacking?”
They looked around at each other as if this was an odd question. “Uh… no,” said Mark.
I loosened my grip on my sword. “Great.” I slumped face down on the pillow and decided to ignore them. They didn’t go away.
“We’ve arrived!” said Rob. I lifted my head up again to stare at him.
“Where?”
“Tortuga!”
“What?” I sat up, fully awake now.
‘Yay! I’m safe. Allegedly.
’
“We’ll give you five minutes,” said Anna with a grin, pushing the others out of my room.
‘Nice.’
I jumped up, and as I was already dressed, it was easy to get myself ready.
‘Right, do I have everything? Money? Check. Letter worth fifty thousand pelfre? Oh, yeah. Stupid vampirish book that I can’t let fall into anyone’s hands on pain of trouble? Yup. Sorted.’
I strapped one of the assassins’ swords round my waist within easy reach–the scabbard banged my hip in a comforting way as I walked–and I took the sword from under the pillow to be my emergency backup sword and slung it across my back. It was in a more awkward place to draw, but it was within reach if I needed it. As usual, I had all four of my silver concealed knives on as well and I stuffed the throwing knives into a pocket of my trousers; they were loose, black, combat-style with pockets on the thighs. I tidied my hair, then I was ready. I threw the door open.
“Morning, guys!” I said, beaming at them.
“You’re chirpy,” said Rob.
“I’m alive!”
“Why are you so happy, did you get laid last night?” asked Anna. Oddly, she didn’t sound disapproving. She usually did when we discussed things like that. And she didn’t usually use the term ‘get laid’ either: she preferred ‘let yourself down again’.
“Eh? No… I slept and we didn’t get attacked by pirates.”
‘Why does she think I got laid? Do I look like someone who wants to fight pirates in the nude?’
“I’m surprised you slept,” she said, with a sideways look at Rob of all people. “You looked like you were going to stay up all night chatting to Dr. Cleckley.”
“No chance, I was exhausted yesterday. But who cares! Let’s go explore this crazy spaceship thing!”
“I thought you didn’t want to land at Tortuga,” said Mark.
‘Ah, well, that was before I knew that pirates couldn’t attack me here.’
“And do you really need all those swords?” asked Anna.
“What swords?”
She frowned.
We ambled off the ship. The docking bay we were parked in was huge, but mostly empty. I saw the major talking with the docking bay staff. He saw me and came over.
“Ah… Clarke,” he said, then he looked at the others and stopped what he was going to say. “Uh… Thank you,” he said with a significant look.