Voyage

by E M Gale

  ‘I suppose he has just found out that he has a daughter or a wife who outlives him, but then again surely it was obvious that one day he would get married?’

  “What relation?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Is Alucard any relation to the Deegens?”

  ‘Like being a Deegen in disguise.’

  “No.”

  “What is Alucard’s real name?”

  “Are you sure you want to find out, Florentina Clarke?” said the robot.

  I stared at it suspiciously. This was unlike all the other responses so far.

  “Yeees, that’s why I asked.”

  “Dracula,” said the robot with portentous delivery.

  I sighed. “Are you an AI or are you perhaps relaying someone’s voice?” I asked it.

  “I am an AI.”

  “What language are you programmed in?”

  The robot was quiet.

  “OK, what is Dracula’s real name?” I asked it.

  Nothing. I ground my teeth.

  “It’s buggy, Rob!” I said to him.

  “Huh,” he said. “Hey, I built a robot! Or maybe a Rob-bot.” He grinned at his bad joke.

  ‘Oh, that completely derailed my train of thought. Derailed it, then crashed it over a siding and down a mountain where it exploded in a ball of flames.’

  “Actually, I am a Mark 27 Rob Bot,” said the robot.

  Rob laughed.

  I shook my head and turned back to the robot. “OK, you good-for-nothing, scrap-metal-for-brains who thinks he is called Igor, what is that pompous, melodramatic, annoying vampire who thinks he is called Dracula actually called?”

  “The last three people who tried to pronounce his true name went crazy in the attempt,” said the robot.

  “Well, there’s no risk for Clarke then,” muttered Jane.

  “I know that you’re not a computer! Stop dicking around! What is your real name?” I said to the robot.

  “Igor,” said the robot. “Would you like me to lead you to your suite?”

  “No, I would not!”

  “What’s going on, Clarke?” asked Rob.

  “I don’t know!” I wailed. The robot made an odd noise.

  “You laughed!” I jabbed a finger in the robot’s face. “I heard you!”

  “Clarke, why were you yelling at the robot? And why do you have a suite here?” asked Mark, doing his best impression of a copper.

  “Ah, well, that’s obviously because…” I started.

  ‘Oops, my future self has a suite here. Ah, what to say? I’m borrowing the suite that I will have in the future? Argh! OK, recovery…’

  “Robot, why do I have a suite here?” I asked innocently.

  “I don’t know,” it said.

  ‘Ah, nice recovery. Not!’

  I rolled up my sleeves. “OK, Igor,” I said, “and I cannot believe that you are making me say this, but what is Dracula’s real name?”

  “Dracula.”

  “No, it is not!” I yelled, slamming my fist into my palm. “He is a fictional character!”

  “Clarke,” said Jane, “has it occurred to you that someone might have been named after Dracula or decided to take his name?”

  I stared at her in confusion. “Why? Why would anyone do that?”

  “I dunno. Why would anyone call themselves Clarke?” she said as if that were a retort.

  I raised an eyebrow at her.

  “So, Clarke, you think that the owner is talking to us via the Rob Bot,” said Rob.

  I nodded.

  “Has it occurred to you that if this place is owned by a vampire called Dracula, perhaps you might want to not insult him?”

  “Meh. I’ll worry about that when he appears in front of me in a swarm of bats,” I said, looking at the robot. Then I jumped to my feet and drew my sword. I looked around me. Nothing. I stood there for a while.

  ‘OK, now I feel silly.’

  The robot laughed. I sheathed the sword and slumped back down to the floor.

  ‘Hmm… if Rob is a vampire, then… if I ask to be taken to his suite I should meet him, right?’

  “Hello, Igor,” I said pleasantly with a smile.

  “Clarke, I’m a robot, you can’t charm me,” it interrupted.

  “See!” I pointed at the robot and yelled, “That is not an AI!”

  “Preprogrammed responses,” said Mark, shrugging. “That’s all. It’s a computer with a look-up table. You say something and it looks up a specific response. It’s not a person pretending to be a computer.”

  I narrowed my eyes in suspicion.

  “Clarke, clearly you are incapable of believing that I could write a good AI,” said Rob. “I’ll have you know I have read a few good papers on partial differential ordering of fuzzy logic responses.”

  “But it wasn’t like that at the start!” I protested.

  “Time weighting,” said the robot.

  My eyes went wide. I pointed at it again. “Intelligence! See!” I yelled, slamming my fist into my palm. “It understood what we were talking about and weighed in!”

  “Thank you, Clarke,” said Rob with a smile. “You just called me a genius, in your language, for coming up with an amazing artificial intelligence that had you fooled! A Nobel Prize-winning genius, I should add. And it wasn’t even my field. Dammit, I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t decide to disqualify me from the Nobel Prizes for simply being too good and winning every year!”

  I raised an eyebrow at him.

  ‘Oh, he’s recovered from the shock, then. The ego has landed.’

  “So what, you gonna kiss me and start dancing again?” I asked. Rob blushed.

  ‘Hmm…’

  I chewed on my knuckle and regarded the robot.

  “It understood what we were talking about and weighed in,” I said, looking very closely at it.

  ‘Damn, why isn’t it like a human? Why doesn’t it sweat? I need to know when I’m getting close, I need to see it looking uncomfortable.’

  “You ought to have built something into this robot to let me know when it was feeling awkward,” I said to Rob. He didn’t answer. I looked back at Rob. He looked awkward.

  ‘Why?’

  “What’s up, Rob?”

  “Nothing, Clarke,” he said quietly. Anna was scowling at him.

  I turned back to the robot. “Robot, is your AI built with time-weighted partial differential ordering over fuzzy logic responses?”

  “Yes.”

  ‘Oh.’

  “Why?”

  “What?”

  “Why, oh robot, would anyone bother?” I asked.

  “Because, oh Clarke, a certain Nobel Prize-winning genius didn’t believe in doing things sloppily,” said the robot.

  “Yes, oh Rob, you do,” I said to the robot.

  ‘Oops! I just gave away who I think is talking to me via the robot.’

  “I don’t do things sloppily!” shouted Rob.

  ‘Ah, he thinks I was talking to him.’

  I held my index finger up. “Three words, Rob, ‘cold’, ‘fusion’ and ‘experiment’.”

  ‘Is Alucard Rob? Could Rob be a vampire and still alive? Does the fact that it rebooted when I called it Rob tell me that the person I’m talking to is called Rob? The Rob?’

  ‘Or am I just wishing he’s still alive? I’ve watched him die once, I’m not sure I could watch it again. It’s nice that he doesn’t die in a huge, awful explosion, but he still dies, right? Why? I haven’t. Why does he leave me behind?’

  ‘Oh, hold on, that was a line from that stupid film.’

  I looked down at the floor for a moment and shook my head sadly.

  “That wasn’t sloppy, that was unrestrained genius!” shouted Rob.

  “Why are you shouting at me, Rob?” I said quietly.

  ‘No, I don’t want him to die. At all.’

  ‘So. Maybe he doesn’t. And if he doesn’t, would he prance around space in a big spaceship called ’Tortuga’ and prete
nd to be Dracula?’

  I regarded him. His hair was spiked up, cheeks still slightly pink, as he frowned at me.

  ‘Hmm, it does seem like his style.’

  “You said I was sloppy!” said Rob.

  I smiled at him. “Rob, you are the most brilliant person I know. I was only trying to rile the robot into giving itself away.”

  “Oh.” He blushed again.

  “Robot, do I have a suite here?” asked Anna.

  “Hello, Anna, yes, you do. Would you like me to take you to it?”

  “Not yet,” I said, waving my hand at her, cutting her off.

  She put her hands on her hips and scowled at me.

  “Can I have a copy of the plans of this station, please?”

  “There is a map in the tourist information centre,” said the robot.

  I stared at Rob in wonder. Then laughed. “You put a tourist information centre in a top-secret, illegal, hidden, pirate base?”

  He shrugged. I shook my head in utter amazement.

  ‘And this is the guy who managed to mastermind the theft of a ship this big from a battlefield in front of two entire space fleets?’

  “Robot,” I said. “Where is the best place for Kuz-Bec?”

  ‘Lull him into a false sense of security.’

  “The Kreegle Noodle Emporium, level thirty-six, is widely considered to be the best.”

  ‘I’ll remember that.’

  “Robot, where is the pirate auction house?”

  “Level thirteen.”

  ‘Yeah, I’m avoiding that level then.’

  “Robot, where are the science labs?”

  “Le… There are no science labs on board.”

  “Ah-ha! You changed your mind!” I said triumphantly, punctuating my outburst by hitting the floor with my palm.

  “There are no science labs on board,” repeated the robot.

  “Yes, there are. Rob built this ship, I bet he put some on board.”

  “There were science labs in the original plans. The area is now used for storage.”

  “Storage of science experiments, by chance?”

  ‘Like time machines, perhaps? Is that how we get back?’

  “The area is off-limits.”

  I grinned. “Can I have a copy of the original plans, please?”

  “No.”

  “If you don’t give me a copy of the original plans I will… you will be reduced to your component quarks, and if that’s not enough I will personally come down there and stamp on the damned remaining subatomic particles!”

  ‘Will the operator get that reference?’

  “Clarke, I’m a robot. You can’t intimidate me.” I swore I heard a faint sigh.

  “When we get back, could you please make a note to write that ability in?” I asked Rob pleasantly.

  He nodded, looking astounded.

  “Why do you want a copy of the plans?” he asked.

  ‘Well, obviously to find where the vampire is hiding.’

  “Well… y’know, mutiny,” I said with a shrug.

  “You cannot be serious,” said Anna. The robot made the strange sound that I thought was laughter.

  “Nah.”

  “So I built this ship?” said Rob to the robot.

  “Yes, Master.”

  “Why?”

  “I’m afraid I cannot tell you that.”

  “Ooo, that’s a new response,” I said. I started looking closely at the robot, pulling at bits, looking at the metal casing to figure out how to open it.

  “Why can’t you tell me?” asked Rob.

  “You programmed me not to,” it said.

  “I order you to tell me why I built this ship,” he said with a flamboyant gesture.

  “I’m sorry, Master, but I was designed to give credence to an instruction given by an older version of you over instructions given by a younger version of you.”

  My friends gasped. “It knows we’re time travellers!” exclaimed Mark.

  “Well, Mr. Robot”–Anna had her hands on her hips in a stance that for some reason, taken with her expression, I could only describe as ‘queenly’–“I would like you to guide me to my quarters.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” said the robot.

  “What about lunch?” I said. “I thought we could hit that noodle bar the robot thing recommended.”

  Anna looked at me, eyes wide. “I am not watching you eat bugs again!”

  ‘Oh, she clocked the name then.’

  “Again?” repeated Mark.

  “Robot, have we all got rooms here?” asked Jane.

  ‘Ooo, good question.’

  “Yes.”

  “How come? How did you know we were coming?” I asked.

  “My master programmed it in,” said the robot.

  I looked at Rob. “I hope you’re taking notes here, Rob. I expect a minty chocolate on my pillow and some decent coffee in my room.”

  “Eh?” he said, looking stunned.

  “Well, let’s go then,” said Anna.

  “Guys, what if it’s a trap?” I said.

  “What?” said Rob.

  “A trap?” said Jane sceptically. “A trap to catch whom?”

  “But this is Rob’s ship. Why would there be a trap?” said Anna.

  I shrugged. “I dunno.”

  “Clarke, you are so suspicious,” said Anna. I chuckled at that, but Anna gave me an odd look. I don’t think she was making a joke. “Come on.”

  ‘Oh, well.’

  “Once more unto the breach,” I mumbled, noticing a surprised look from Jane at that.

  What Is Your Opinion On a Little Ship Theft?

  We followed the robot deeper into the station. Anna led the way, prancing for some reason, her head held high. The robot took us through another posh shopping area. This place might have been named Tortuga, but the upper levels reminded me of the expensive boutiques in airports and places like that.

  ‘I suppose that it really isn’t just pirates who come through here.’

  Most of the people we were passing were much better dressed and just didn’t look piratical. There were lots of vampires in this area too. It seemed that, in general, vampires liked to dress well and richly. In addition, most of them were wearing at least one sword, regardless of the fact that a lot didn’t look like they would know how to use it.

  “It’s much nicer in this bit,” said Anna. “Thankfully more classy than grubby.”

  “Yeah, terrible, isn’t it,” I said, mostly just to annoy her. The robot led us into another elevator. This one was also plush. The others led the way, chatting about Rob’s space station. As I walked into the lift Monster Mash started up.

  We left the lift and the rock music. The robot led Anna to a room. She opened the door.

  “Ooooooooooo,” she said. I peered past her. The interior was a huge, plushly decorated room, big on the soft furnishings, feminine touches and pastels. It looked like what I thought a fancy hotel room might look like.

  “Put your hand against the plate,” said the robot to her. It was pointing at a palm-plate like the ones to our quarters on ship. She did. It beeped. “The door is now keyed to your palm print,” said the robot.

  “Cool. I think I’ll stay here for our shore leave,” she said with a smile. “But now, I’m going to have a long hot bath.”

  ‘It seems that the on-ship water rationing has been getting to Anna. Well, she looks happy enough to forgo lunch. Or breakfast. I’ve not had either.’

  “No noodles then,” I said regretfully.

  She glared at me. “No bugs.” I sighed as if I was hard done by.

  The robot took Mark and Jane to their quarters. They were next door to each other, which was thoughtful. They checked in, then went back to the ship for their luggage.

  I had said nothing this whole time. The robot had acted normally, but I felt watched. That was mostly because it kept swivelling its head around to look at me whenever I got too close behind it. Admittedly, I was still looking for ideas about
how to open the thing up and hints of where the transmitter was. I was certain it was sending a video feed back to someone. It led me and Rob further into the ship in silence.

  “You cannot have your usual quarters, Master,” said the robot when we arrived at Rob’s room. “They are regrettably occupied.”

  ‘By the mysterious vampire?’

  “Oh? And where would they be?” I asked.

  “They are off limits.”

  ‘Oh, it’s like a red flag to a bull!’

  “Ah, but if you don’t tell me where they are then I might accidentally wander into them and I would hate to break any rules.”

  The robot swivelled its head a hundred and eighty degrees around to look me square in the face. “Whilst I appreciate your desire to observe Tortugan laws, you need not worry your pretty little head on that point, on account of the Master’s chambers being quite definitely locked.”

  ‘Oh.’

  “That’s fine,” said Rob to the robot. He opened the door to his quarters, but didn’t go in; he stood and stared at me for some reason.

  “Well, look around then,” I said, with a shooing gesture.

  “OK, Clarke.”

  He turned and entered the room as I strode past him into the room, looking around for… well… anything.

  ‘Any clue, any person. If Rob is still alive as a vampire, would he visit his past self? I reckon so. And if he is here, even in mist form I ought to be able to see or smell him.’

  I wandered round, opening doors and cupboards. It was a nice suite–a collection of several rooms, bigger than the others had been, and not as ornate and fluffy as Anna’s room. But there was no one there.

  “What are you doing, Clarke?” asked Rob.

  ‘Ah…’

  “Investigating,” I said.

  “Investigating what?”

  “Soft furnishings, it looks like,” I said, eyeing the sofa suspiciously. Then I grinned at him. “OK, you’re fine. Tell me immediately if anything odd happens to you.”

  “Sure, like what?”

  I shrugged. “See you in a bit,” I added with a smile. “OK, lead on, Macduff,” I said to the robot.

  I followed it. We had to go in another elevator. This one played More Human than Human by Rob Zombie.

  ‘Oh, great, more vampire music.’

  I sighed.

  ‘I suppose that my suite is actually owned by my future self, and thus it is in a different place from my friends’ hotel suites. Well, there’s something new I’ll have to keep them from finding out. Especially if she’s left anything in it, like vials of blood in the fridge. What the hell will my suite look like? It’s been two hundred years…’