‘That was it!’
Her mum’s cheeks flushed in exactly the same way Maddie’s did so often. ‘We’re both ready to enjoy our retirement now, so I’m entitled to saunter along with the other women and discuss whatever we like.’
‘Husbands,’ said her dad, jolting Maddie’s arm.
‘Maybe you two could go touring around Australia visiting all the different golf courses,’ Maddie suggested.
‘Ah, that’s right. Riley’s father was into golf in a big way wasn’t he? Didn’t he do that once?’
Now it was Maddie’s turn to flush at the name so easily dropped into conversation. It had happened so effortlessly, so naturally, yet it felt like she had been caught on barbed wire. It had been a long time since Maddie had let her guard down in front of her parents, and she didn’t miss the look that passed between them as she focused on slicing through the tomato on her plate.
‘We’re here for you, love,’ said her dad before they continued with lunch, and the conversation moved to Ally and how her time at University was going.
After she helped to clear away the lunch plates, Maddie went for a walk. The beach was close to the new house, a tiny slice of paradise, and as soon as she got there she trailed a stick in the sand, tempted to write her name like she had done when she was a child. Both she and Jennifer had written their names along firm, wet sand on every beach holiday and then the game was to sit and wait for the tide to come in and wash the letters away. Of course, it didn’t always work. Sometimes the tide didn’t come in far enough, sometimes they had to leave early, and other times they just got it plain wrong and the water would never touch their writing.
Palm Beach sat at the end of a long peninsula. On one side, the surf reached lofty heights, but on the other was Snapperman Beach Reserve, where Maddie found the tranquillity of calmer waters. She made her way along the cool, wet sand, her Birkenstocks dangling from her fingertips as she watched the water gently lap against the shore. She’d spent a lot of time at this spot after Riley died. Whenever she felt hemmed in by the suburbs she would jump in her car and drive the picturesque route through the Northern Beaches and up as far as she could go as though running from everything that had happened.
The squidgy sand beneath her feet covered the tops of her toes with deep, golden mud, and she walked it off on the grass when she retreated to a place overlooking the pier. She sat down and watched as a seaplane came in to land.
‘Mind if I sit down?’ A voice came from behind her.
Her mum sat down on the grass and they both gazed out at the pier, and then on the three children frolicking waist deep in the water a bit further along Snapperman Beach.
‘You didn’t think I was going to let you come up to visit for a weekend and then go off on your own did you?’ Her mum took a deep breath of the salty air. ‘You used to spend a lot of time here.’
Maddie brushed the sand from between her toes as it dried.
‘You can fly from here to Sydney Harbour, you know,’ said her mum, watching the seaplane bobbing about on the water now. ‘It’s pricey, but maybe next time you come up we could treat ourselves.’
‘I’d really like that.’ Her insides yearned for the in-depth chats they used to share, but she had surrendered those for fear of the painful reminders of a past that once was.
Her mum’s gaze was transfixed on the three kids now. ‘You and Jennifer always loved the beach.’ The kids had emerged from the water, and the beginnings of a sandcastle were being produced from the first filled bucket of packed sand.
‘I know. I still do, just in a different way.’ She may not build sandcastles any longer, but the ocean and its freedom had a magic that nothing else could compare to. Just closing her eyes and listening to the water lapping against the shore had the ability to make Maddie believe everything would be all right in the end.
‘How are you really, Maddie?’
‘I have my good days and my bad.’
‘It’s been a long time … since Riley.’ Her mum seemed to be choosing her words carefully.
‘Why do I get the feeling that there’s something you’re not telling me?’
Her mum’s shoulders sagged. ‘There’s no keeping anything from you is there?’
‘What is it? Is something wrong with you, with Dad?’
‘No, no, it’s nothing like that.’
‘So what is it, then?’
‘It’s about Caitlin.’
Riley’s mum’s name jolted her. It was the last thing she had expected to hear. ‘What about her?’ She brushed the dry sand from the arch of her foot. Her mum knew Caitlin had cut Maddie out of her life, but not the brutal way in which she had ended their contact.
‘She called me.’
Maddie froze.
‘She wants to get in touch with you.’
Maddie’s toes jammed into the grass. Her jaw tensed as she took a deep breath in. ‘Why? Why after all this time?’
‘She said that she has something, of Riley’s, and it’s important that you have it.’
What was it? Was it a watch, a chain? Something of his that had been found after he’d been killed? Maddie racked her brain to think what it could be.
‘When she called I didn’t know what to say.’ Her mum’s arm remained on Maddie’s as though she was worried her daughter would take off again, back to Melbourne before they had a chance to resurrect the relationship they’d always had. ‘I almost put the phone straight back down again to shut her out in the same way she did to you.’
Maddie plucked a blade of grass and ran it through her fingers. Her mum didn’t know the half of it and it was then, as she looked out at the gentle ripples of the water, that Maddie realised how much it could’ve helped her if she’d shared the burden.
‘I’m a mother, Maddie. I can’t even begin to imagine what it has been like for her.’
‘Are you saying that she was right to drive me away?’
‘I’m not saying anything of the sort. All I’m saying is that I feel for her. Life is too short to push people out, and I think her call was her reaching out to us, to you. Oh, I know that doesn’t make it right, what she did, but I couldn’t be angry at her after everything she’s been through.’
‘What about what I’ve been through?’
‘You’ve been through too much, I know.’
‘I didn’t tell you the whole story, Mum.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I didn’t tell you what Caitlin said to me that day at the memorial.’
‘It sounded as though she didn’t say much.’
‘Oh, she said something all right. She said that I would replace Riley soon enough with someone else. She said that I had no right to grieve as heavily as she was, because I had no idea what it was like for her. She said that my pain was nothing in comparison.’
Her mum let the words hang in the air for a moment.
‘She was hurting, Maddie. She wouldn’t have meant it.’
‘No? She looked me in the eyes, didn’t blink when she said those words to me. When she said that I would get married, I would have a family of my own one day, and then the only way I could ever understand her pain would be if something happened to one of my own children. She said it as though she wanted the same to happen to me so that I would know my pain over Riley was nothing; it was invalid compared to hers.’
Her mum pulled her daughter close as they turned their eyes back to the water. ‘Just words, Maddie; they’re just words. And remember, I knew Caitlin once upon a time. She’s not the sort of woman who would wish harm to come to anybody else’s child so that they could know how hard it is for her. No mother would wish that.’
‘Those words have haunted me ever since,’ Maddie blubbed. ‘I’ve never been able to date men like Ally has, never been able to enjoy the company of a man without the shadow of those words hanging over me and every decision I’ve made. I couldn’t even tell anyone what she said to me that day, because I know there was some truth in it.’
<
br /> ‘Now that’s nonsense.’
‘You said it yourself. You said that you’re a mother and you can understand the pain that she is in.’
‘Oh, Maddie, that doesn’t mean I don’t understand the pain you went through too.’ Her voice caught when she said, ‘Riley wasn’t my child, he wasn’t my boyfriend, but just because he wasn’t either of those things doesn’t mean that your father and I didn’t grieve when he died. Everyone hurts when someone they love and respect is taken away from them, and Caitlin had no right to question that. She had no right to leave you with those words. I suspect that, rather than her words, it’s your own feelings that have made you shy away from other men.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I know you so well, Maddie. You’re a good person, a beautiful person. You loved Riley with all your heart and you can’t bear to think of erasing the memory of him.’
Maddie’s shoulders shuddered as sobs left her body. ‘I sometimes take out his photo and look at it, talk to him even.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with that.’
‘You don’t think it’s a tiny bit crazy?’
‘No, I don’t. Can I ask you, Maddie, have you pulled away from us – me and your dad – because you didn’t want to remember Riley and what might have been?’
Maddie nodded through more tears. ‘Part of me loves thinking about what it was like, but I know as soon as that stops, I’m faced with the reality that it’s over. I should have moved on by now, and I didn’t want to talk about it with you because I feel like such a failure, such a no-hoper that I’m still stuck in the past.’
Her mum pulled her in tighter. ‘I wish you could’ve told me what Caitlin said and I could’ve talked some sense into you.’
‘I didn’t feel that I could question the love between a mother and a child.’
Maddie sat huddled in her mother’s arms wishing she could’ve let her secret go before now.
‘I bet Caitlin’s words have haunted her almost as much as they have haunted you,’ said her mum. ‘I heard a lot of regret in her voice when she called, and now I know exactly why. It’s taken a long time, but perhaps now she sees how wrong she was.’
Maddie pulled a tissue from her pocket. ‘The trouble is, Mum, how do I move on from that and ever forgive her for what she said?’
Her mum sighed, a deep sigh laced with thought. ‘I think that our happiness lies in the future, Maddie, not in the past. But sometimes we need to deal with that past if we are to ever move forwards. It takes a strong person to reach the stage of forgiveness, and you have to want to forgive, you have to want to move forwards.’
‘I wonder what she wants to give me.’
‘I’ve no idea, but for what it’s worth, the woman sounds as though she’s been in her own private hell.’
They sat, soothed by the rocking of the sea plane, the sounds of innocent voices playing in the sand, the sun caressing their skin, and by a sharing of the past that brought them together in the present, as close as ever.
Without saying a word they walked silently back home. Her mum linked an arm through Maddie’s, just as she had when she was a kid, much to the chagrin of her dad, who joked that he was always an outsider in a house full of women.
Back at the house they opened up the balcony doors and took a jug of homemade lemonade outside and set it on the table between the two chairs.
‘Where’s Dad?’ Maddie lifted both arms of the chair so the footrest and back opened out, stretching with her on the lazy afternoon as though it too had released a burden that had been weighing it down for too long.
‘He left a note to say he’s playing golf.’ Her mum reclined in her chair too. ‘I think he sensed we need some girl time. And I’m glad we had it.’ She reached over and ruffled her daughter’s hair as though she were still six years old.
Maddie looked out at the canopies of the Cabbage Tree Palms that lined the shore as she gulped down the long glass of lemonade and crunched the ice cubes at the end. She closed her eyes and lay back to enjoy the breeze on her face.
‘Has there been anyone else since Riley? I know you said you chased other men away, but it’s been a long time.’
Maddie opened her eyes and fixed her gaze on the thin lines of white foam from the waves in the distance. ‘There wasn’t anyone special, until recently.’
Her mum turned in her chair to face her daughter.
‘You look like a teenager ready to gossip.’ Maddie giggled. ‘His name’s Evan.’ And then she sank deeper and deeper into the story about the man who had managed to capture her heart.
‘The first date sounded promising. And the trip to Williamstown, that sounds very romantic.’
‘I haven’t told you the whole story yet.’
‘Go on, we’ve got all day, after all.’
Maddie was glad they had started to repair their relationship. It reminded her of how they used to sit and gossip when she first met Riley. She couldn’t look at her mum but heard the gasp of disbelief when she said, ‘He has cancer.’
‘That poor boy. Well, he must think a lot of you to have told you that.’
‘Do you think so?’
‘I know so. That’s not the sort of thing you just share with anyone. That sort of admission, especially if it wasn’t conclusive at that stage, isn’t something you share unless you trust a person.’
‘But he couldn’t have trusted me after one date.’
‘Strange things happen when you fall in love.’
Maddie’s cheeks reddened.
‘Do you love him?’
‘Mum!’
‘Well?’
Maddie nodded. ‘I think I do.’
Her mum handed her a woollen blanket as the late afternoon air brought a chill with it. She sipped her drink thoughtfully.
‘It sounds as though this Evan has a lot going on.’
‘I panicked when I last saw him, Mum.’
‘Panicked?’
‘I didn’t think I’d ever want a future with anyone when Riley died. And now, it feels as though it’s happening all over again. I’m scared of letting myself love Evan in case I lose him. I don’t think I’m strong enough to go through it again. I went to see him at his apartment, and I ran away.’
Her mum held her arm open and beckoned her daughter over to her chair. They perched on the end hugging one another. ‘Never be afraid to give your heart to someone else, Maddie,’ she said, lightly rocking her daughter. ‘It was broken once, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed. After all this time you deserve to be happy.’
Maddie knew she deserved to be happy – didn’t everybody? But whether that happiness featured Evan, she wasn’t so sure, and for now Caitlin and whatever it was she had to give her dominated her thoughts and she had no idea what to do.
‘Grief is maddening, Maddie. It’s like you’re drowning, and I think that’s what happened with Caitlin. At the time I was so angry with her for deserting you, but now I realise she had to face the battle in her own way, just like you have.’
‘You think I should call her, don’t you?’
‘You do what you think is best. But you never know, it could help you too. See what she has to say. You’re a beautiful young woman, Maddie. You don’t turn people away when they’re reaching out, not really.’
They sat wrapped in each other’s arms right up until Maddie’s dad came home.
*
Saying goodbye to her parents was done with a heavy heart. Maddie still wasn’t sure what to do about Caitlin, but talking it over, and talking about Evan as well, had been exactly what she needed this weekend. She felt as though, regardless of whether she contacted Caitlin, regardless of what happened with Evan, she had got back on the bike again and was keeping the pace uphill to the very top.
Chapter Twenty-One
Ben’s voice on the answer machine told Evan he would have to get up sharpish if they were to make the chemotherapy appointment that morning. It was ten o’clock already and, again, Evan had b
een in bed for more hours than he had been out of it. Since the operation more than a month ago, he felt useless, like a spare part. And since Maddie had been over that night with the cake and had left so abruptly, he had never felt so low. Perhaps her departure had been for the best though, because if she hadn’t pitied him then, she sure would once the chemo started.
The weather did little to help his spirits: cold and wet, and one look out of the window couldn’t entice him on to the balcony most days. So he literally got out of bed, had whatever meal he was already late for, and then went back to his pit. He didn’t always sleep either. Sometimes he would toss and turn as dreams plagued him; other times he would lie and look at the closed venetian blinds or the ceiling, as though his brain had run out of power to do much else.
Today’s chemotherapy session was to kill any cancer cells that could have spread prior to the orchidectomy, and his doctor had assured him that he shouldn’t experience any significant hair loss. Hopefully he wouldn’t be vomiting all over the place either, although there could be some nausea for a while.
Everything down there was in good working order too – he’d tried it out himself, tentatively – and the fact that his manhood was still intact had been a huge relief. At first the prosthesis had felt as though he had nabbed one of King Kong’s balls to stick between his legs, but now that the swelling had subsided and the bruising had all but disappeared it didn’t feel so absurdly out of place.
Physically, Evan was as strong as he ever was. But emotionally he felt like a seven-stone weakling as he and Ben set off for the hospital that day.
*
Following her shift Maddie waited at the tram stop with the biting wind whipping around her as she looked up at a sky dusted with stars and a crescent moon as their protector. She wrapped her coat tightly around herself and pulled a beanie down over her loose hair so that she was as snug as a tea pot beneath an old-fashioned tea cosy.
The last couple of weeks had dragged by slowly. Since she had taken the cake to Evan, and since her weekend in Sydney, the familiar dank and low feeling of winter had taken over. She still hadn’t called Caitlin, and as time went on it became easier not to get in touch with Evan either. On evenings like this, when it was dark and miserable and the tram crept slowly along St Kilda Road towards home, she often found herself wondering if Evan was thinking about her, whether he had been tempted to chase her the night she left his apartment. Or had he given up on her altogether? Then she would scold herself for being so self-obsessed. The guy had cancer, bigger things to think about than her.
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