by Tarah Benner
“What happened to you?” I choke.
“Not here,” he says in a hoarse voice. His eyes dart down the tunnel. “We can’t talk here.”
“Okay. Your place, then.”
But he just shakes his head and starts walking down the tunnel. I don’t think. I just follow him.
“Do you have your interface on you?” he asks, jerking his head back to look behind us.
“N-no. Why?” That crazy look in his eyes is making me panic.
“They’re watching you,” he whispers. “They’re watching you everywhere.”
“Who?” I ask, praying he doesn’t say it.
“Constance.”
My heart seizes. “I know.”
Celdon lurches suddenly, fixing me with a cold look that’s so unlike him. “You know?”
I give a small nod, and he lengthens his stride so that I practically have to jog to keep up. He doesn’t stop until we reach the Underground platform. There are no trains coming or going, but the ground is shaking from the heavy bass of Neverland.
Celdon stops and stares at the tunnel as though he might take off running until he reaches another compound.
But then he deflates — just slumps against the wall and sinks down onto the dirty tile.
“They got me, Harper. There was nothing I could do.”
He splays his white fingers out on his filthy knees, and his knuckles lighten as he squeezes.
“They came to Systems and arrested me. It was two controllers, but I knew who was behind it. At first I thought this was because I hacked into your records, but they didn’t even ask me about that. They barely asked me anything.”
The dread seeps into my stomach. “What did they ask you?”
He looks away and waits a beat before he answers. “They asked me about you.”
Suddenly, I feel as though I’m going to be sick. My worst fear has come true.
“They took my interface and used it to message you. I didn’t know what they were doing at first, but then I guessed. They knew all this stuff about you . . . creepy stuff. Stuff they would only know if they were watching you.”
I put my head in my hands and try to breathe. That was why I couldn’t identify the source of the malware. They’d sent it to me from Celdon’s interface.
“Harper, they used my message to hack your interface so they could spy on you.”
I nod. “How long did they have you there?”
“I don’t know,” he says quietly. “A week? I lost track of time.”
I try to think back to the last time I saw Celdon. It was definitely more than a week ago. I’d been so worried about Eli and my own impending deployment that I hadn’t even sought out Celdon at mealtimes.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“It’s not your fault.”
“They took you to get to me. It’s completely my fault.”
Celdon lets out a cold laugh and then winces. “I thought you would blame me.”
“No. Of course I don’t. I should have known this would happen.”
“How could you know?”
“Constance found out I was looking into Bid Day,” I say. “I was asking too many questions, and they tried to get rid of me.”
“What?”
I take a shaky breath. Telling him puts him at risk, but he needs to know what happened. They already captured and tortured him. I can’t let him walk around not knowing.
“They orchestrated Sullivan Taylor’s murder.”
Celdon stares at me dumbfounded, but I continue. I tell him everything Jayden told me about the night of the bombing and how she plans to take me and Eli off the map.
When I finish, his eyes are wide and vacant, but I know he’s trying to process everything I just told him.
“You have to get out of here,” he says. “Now.”
I let out a strangled laugh. “Out? Out where? There’s nowhere to go but out on the Fringe.”
“No.” His voice is low and deadly. “I mean to another compound.”
I stare at him. His bloodshot eyes are wide, rimmed in dark circles. With his matted hair and stubble, he looks as though he escaped from the mental ward.
“You know my ticket is expired,” I say slowly.
“So get another one.”
I push this aside, irritated that he makes it sound so easy. “I wouldn’t have enough if I saved for a year.”
“I don’t care how you get the money,” he says in a desperate voice. “It doesn’t matter. If you don’t get out of here, you’ll be dead the day you step out on the Fringe.”
His stony expression tells me he’s completely serious.
“No,” I say. “I’m not going to leave you here. You know too much now. They’ll kill you, too.”
“I’m not staying here!” he says incredulously. “I’ll get the money somehow.”
“It’s easier for you than for me.”
“Are you kidding? Between the premium rations and the compartment, there’s barely anything left over. But I’ll whore myself out to get it. I don’t give a shit. They aren’t going to get me.”
I drag in a shaky breath, turning the idea over in my mind. The idea of leaving the compound terrifies me, but Celdon is right.
If we leave, I’ll probably have a short, hard life in ExCon. A few months ago, that was the worst-case scenario. But now, even living a few more years seems like my best option.
It’s his shaking hands that finally do me in. I’ve never seen him this scared.
“Okay,” I say finally. “We’ll find a way to transfer. Just . . . please don’t leave without me.”
Celdon’s hard, terrified expression softens slightly, and just then, it’s as though we’re back in the Institute, talking late into the night about getting bids from Systems. “I’d never do that.”
Relief floods through me. I know we aren’t in control, but hearing that Celdon is with me makes me feel a hundred times better.
We sit in silence for several minutes, both of us reluctant to return to our compartments and lie in the dark alone.
His breath comes in fits and starts, and I know he was probably kicked in the ribs until they cracked.
I feel so shitty that he was detained and hurt because of what I did. If I’d just accepted my bid like everybody else, Constance wouldn’t be after me and Eli, and Celdon would still be his cocky, carefree self.
The boy in front of me isn’t the same person I knew a few weeks ago. This Celdon is just a shell of my best friend.
Finally he gets up. At first, I think he’s going to say something to me, but he just digs into his pocket and withdraws a florescent green pill bottle with a shaky hand. He pops a pill into his mouth and eyes me with an expression I’ve never seen before.
He won’t say it, but I know he blames me for his imprisonment. Our friendship will survive it, but I can’t ever take it back, and I can’t keep him safe.
I sit alone on the dirty tile until my body temperature drops and my teeth start to chatter. When I finally get up and drag myself back to my compartment, I have this horrible sinking feeling that nobody I care about will ever be all right again.
twenty-nine
Harper
I’m so distracted the next day in training that it’s affecting my fighting.
I block too slowly or not at all, and Lenny gets several good jabs in before Seamus huffs impatiently and sends us to lunch.
It’s been a week since Eli returned from the Fringe, and I half expected him to be training us today. He isn’t in the canteen, but Sawyer messaged me to say he’d been discharged that morning.
I feel irrationally nervous about his absence — thinking they must have sent him out to the Fringe again — but even Jayden couldn’t send one of her best officers out into the field a week after his deployment without attracting attention.
Seamus puts me in the simulation room again after lunch, which makes the rest of the day go painfully slow.
When the bell rings to signal the end of the
workday, I rush back to my compartment to shower. I want to get to dinner early to see if I can catch Eli.
I still don’t know what I’m going to say to him. I’m furious that he lied to me, but we didn’t even know each other then. It’s not fair to hold it against him, but we need to talk — even if it’s just to fight.
When I reach the canteen, a quick scan of the room tells me Eli isn’t here. Celdon has also been conspicuously absent at mealtimes, and I wonder if he’s even come up for air from Neverland since I last saw him.
I eat in silence with Lenny and Bear and wait over an empty plate until it’s clear that Eli isn’t going to show. I want to stay longer, but the tension and distrust have only escalated since the riot, and I know it isn’t safe for Recon to hang out in the canteen.
As we walk to the megalift, I catch several angry stares from other tier-three workers. My fists clench automatically, and we head back to Recon as quickly as we can.
The others split off to go to their compartments, and when I finally reach my own, the first thing I notice is my interface blinking frantically from my nightstand. I should be wearing it to avoid rousing Constance’s suspicion, but I can’t stomach the idea of being watched twenty-four hours a day.
I grab it and pull up my message app. I hate the way my heart rate picks up when I see Eli’s blank avatar. The message is short: Meet me on the observation deck at 20:30.
Without letting myself dwell on what Eli could want, I throw down my interface, yank my hair out of its ponytail, and brush it out around my shoulders. I don’t really want to wear my uniform, but I don’t have time to change.
I’m impatient as I ride the megalift all the way up to the top level of the compound. The lift doesn’t even reach the observation deck; it can only be accessed from the emergency stairwell.
Drumming my fingers on the side of the lift, I marvel at Eli’s genius meeting place. We can’t talk freely in either one of our compartments, and nobody will be looking for us up here.
As I bound up the stairs, a horrible thought occurs to me: What if it’s a trap? What if Eli didn’t send the message at all?
Someone from Constance could be waiting to ambush me. I’ve been on edge all week, but looking for Eli distracted me. For all I know, they could have killed him already.
Now I’m in full panic mode. I should have told someone where I was going.
I take the stairs slowly and drag in a deep breath. When I see the golden light spilling from the gap in the door, I square my shoulders, preparing to fight.
But when I emerge from the stairwell, I see Eli standing with his back to me, staring out at the open horizon. The setting sun is a blazing orange, burning itself out in the last few moments of daylight.
The observation deck is truly magnificent. It’s the only place in the compound where you can find wide-open spaces. It’s really just a glass box situated on top of the compound, designed to give the illusion of really being out there.
It’s completely deserted this time of night. I think the emptiness unnerves some people. In the dark, it often feels as though you could walk right off the edge.
Eli turns when he hears me approaching. There’s just enough light for me to catch the smile on his face when he sees me. If we were down below, I think he would hide it, but here it’s easy to imagine it’s just us.
I force myself to keep my expression neutral, but I’m relieved to see he looks better than he did in the medical ward. His sleeve hides his bandaged arm, he’s standing upright, and his sunburn has faded to a golden tan.
“Hey,” he calls. We’re still too far apart to talk normally.
“Good to see you’re alive,” I say once I’m within earshot.
His grin goes a little lopsided, and I have a hard time controlling my breathing. “You could have seen for yourself if you’d visited me again.”
That sends an odd mix of excitement and irritation through me. I don’t know what to say, but the words come tumbling out before I can stop them. “Did you honestly think I would?”
His expression hardens, and in an instant, he drops the familiar Eli-the-asshole veil. “No. I guess not.”
The silence hangs painfully between us, and I have the sudden urge to yell and cry at the same time.
“Did you think I would never find out?” I ask, my voice shaking a little.
“I really hoped you wouldn’t.”
His voice is dead serious, which causes something inside me to snap. “So you just planned to lie to me forever?”
“Yeah. I did, Harper. Okay? I’m not a saint. And what good would it have done to tell you? It wouldn’t have changed anything.”
I cross my arms over my chest, resisting the urge to hit him. “We wouldn’t be having this conversation right now if you hadn’t lied to me.”
“Oh, that’s bullshit. You would have hated me if you knew I was the one who recruited you. But guess what? That’s my job. I have to help Jayden pick out the best kids that Recon can bid on. You’re not the only one who’s here because of me. If it wasn’t you, it would have been someone else.”
I wince. Up to this point, I’d only been focused on my anger. I hadn’t considered the guilt that Eli must feel for his role in recruitment.
“And honestly, you have no idea what would have happened if I hadn’t recruited you. You might have ended up in ExCon . . . or Jayden could have picked you anyway.”
His voice is harsh, but when I meet his gaze, I see true remorse burning in Eli’s eyes.
“I’m not perfect, Harper. But I didn’t need you fighting me. You had to trust me so I could train you.”
I can’t argue with that, because he’s right. I never would have listened to him if I’d known.
We’ve reached a stalemate, and I know I have to be the one to forgive. Eli has put up his guard, and he still thinks he made the best decision he could at the time. Maybe he’s right.
“I understand why you lied,” I say finally. “And it’s not really fair for me to hold that against you. You were just . . . doing your job.”
He nods and looks at me with wary eyes. “I’m sorry I got you involved in all of this, and I’m sorry I lied. I just didn’t want you to hate me.”
The sincerity in his voice is like a punch to the stomach. I avert my eyes, trying to control my pounding heart. The old Harper would have wanted to keep him swimming in guilt, but everything inside me is screaming to forgive him.
“I couldn’t hate you,” I whisper. “Believe me, I tried.”
“Really?” His face brightens instantly, causing my stomach to do a little cartwheel.
“Yeah.” I offer up a smile. “But I fucking hate Seamus.”
Eli grins and shuffles his feet a little, which is strange for him. He’s usually so confident. When he speaks next, I can tell it’s taken every ounce of courage he has left. “I missed you, Harper.”
Those four little words make me feel like I’m falling. My heart is beating frantically against my ribcage. I can’t believe Eli is apologizing. I can’t believe he said he missed me.
I want to act as though it’s no big deal, but I can’t control myself. He’s completely thrown me for a loop and opened the floodgates to everything I’m feeling.
There’s no one watching us — no reason for him to be pretending, if he was before. He can’t possibly know the effect he has on me.
I take a step toward him, lifting my gaze. His eyes are startlingly blue, and his face is still illuminated by the dying light on the edges of the Fringe. The stars are just visible behind him. There’s nobody else around, and he looks beautiful.
I’m close enough to see the faint lines around his eyes from a smile he doesn’t show very often and the places where his cheeks are darker from sun and wind. His lips are tender from sunburn, falling into a slight, easy smile.
Deep in the pit of my stomach, I have an undeniable urge to do something reckless. I step forward until I’m dangerously close. I lift my chin and close my eyes.
&n
bsp; The last thing I see is his amazed expression before I reach up and brush my lips against his. They’re as warm and wonderful as I remember.
For the briefest moment, his lips curve around mine. I can smell him everywhere, and he makes a satisfied noise in the back of his throat.
I hear him drag in a deep breath, and then the reality hits me: I’m kissing Eli. We aren’t putting on a show for Constance. I’m kissing him because I want to.
It feels insane and wonderful. I have no idea what’s gotten into me. For a moment, I’m floating, and Eli is kissing me back.
But then the worst thing imaginable happens. Eli steps away from me, putting his hands on my shoulders. He pushes me away gently, and suddenly my lips are burning and exposed in the frigid compound air.
Horror floods through me. Eli opens his eyes and meets mine for a moment. He grimaces and then closes them again and shakes his head. He looks flustered and upset. “We can’t.”
I take a deep breath, struggling to find my voice. My heart starts beating erratically as panic sinks in. “God. I’m sorry,” I choke. “I don’t know why I did that.”
The blood rushes to my face. What an idiot. Eli probably thinks I’m ridiculous now. What the hell was I thinking?
The horrible moment hangs there between us, and he drags a hand through his short hair and sighs. “No, it’s all right,” he says in a defeated voice. “I let this go too far. I shouldn’t have let it happen.”
He looks genuinely mad at himself, and for a second, I’m confused.
“We can’t . . . be together, Riley. You’re one of my cadets.” He lowers his voice, and his next words are sincere and horrible. “I’m sorry.”
I nod quickly, stung that he called me by my last name. He’s scrambling to put up boundaries now. I can see it in his body language.
“I shouldn’t have brought you up here.” He gestures at the open deck, the vast expanse of nothingness around us. The stars are twinkling above us now, mocking me. “It probably gave you the wrong idea.”
“Why did you call me up here?” I ask, willing my voice to sound normal. It doesn’t. It sounds the way I feel — humiliated and on the verge of tears.