by Dana Archer
Zoe presses her lips together and casts her gaze to where the keys hang from the ignition. She pulls out the key and opens the door. I open mine, then wait for Zoe to make the next move. She takes my hand, pushes the passenger door closed, then motions to the woods, a silent confirmation to follow her lead.
I wasn’t part of the past that still haunts her. I can only guide her out of the darkness and into the light with me. I fall into step with my true mate, while my cats keep an eye on the area around us.
No scent of blood lingers in the air as we near the area where she shot me. The crumpled bushes where I could’ve lost my head had it been an enemy who pulled the trigger have been cut to the ground, and leaves and other forest debris spread to mask the barren spot. No other obvious signs of that night remain. Not even the footprints of the shifters who erased the evidence. A dusting of snow covers the scene, obscuring it from a human’s senses.
Any shifter who happened upon this spot would pick up on the signs of a coverup. They’d know something occurred here, but not what. That’s the way it should be. What happens between Zoe and me is nobody’s business.
Zoe’s grip on my hand tightens. She scans the area where I’d lain bleeding, then steps closer so our bodies touch and hurries us forward. I lengthen my strides to match her quickened pace. An opening in the woods gives way to an overlook and an expansive view of the river and valley beyond. Had it been dark, lights from the town surrounding the Black Widow would brighten the area.
With nothing obscuring my vision, the edges of my pride’s lands, the Kagan pack’s lands, and the Jager’s lands cut a jagged jigsaw among the humans’ homes in this valley we all share. Beyond the mountains, the Winchester pack stretches for hundreds of miles in some of the most remote areas of West Virginia. Beyond them, other packs, prides, clans, and humans have settled. Only imaginary lines separate us. In the end, we’re all neighbors.
Zoe releases my hand and walks to the edge of the rock overlook. She wraps her arms around her chest, the heavy sweatshirt I’d left at the Black Widow weeks ago drowning her frame. The breeze blowing through the valley tosses the ends of her hair, but she doesn’t move to tame the strands or push them away from her face. She stares out at the valley.
“BJ fell from this spot.”
“Fell or was pushed?”
Zoe scrunches her brows but doesn’t respond. I offer another detail to focus on, one she has an answer to. “Vince was here too, wasn’t he?”
“They were fighting.” Zoe rubs her cheek against her shoulder, pushing away the few strands of hair caught on her dry lip. “Well, BJ was yelling. Vince…I can’t remember.”
“What was BJ angry about?”
“We’d just come from my baby shower.” Zoe glances over her shoulder in the direction from which we’d come. “I had all sorts of presents in the car. So many we couldn’t see out of the rearview window very well. All our friends went over the top, scrounging up their money and even getting us some good used stuff. We were going to be set for when the baby came. Not rich or anything, but we had everything we needed. We even got the keys to our own place that day, the half-double attached to BJ’s parents’ house. My parents’ place was just around the corner. Vince was a couple doors down. It was going to be perfect. We’d be on our own, yet close enough our families could help out. We were both really close to Vince’s parents too. With everyone’s help, I was going to finish up high school, and BJ was going to start classes at the community college. We were so young and so in love. Everyone wanted us to succeed. We were lucky to have such good friends.”
The few times I’ve witnessed Zoe rambling have been the times she’s intentionally tried to deflect or change the subject. This time feels different. It doesn’t take holding a piece of her soul to sense the pain eating her up inside. And the confusion.
I step up next to her but don’t touch her. “Why did you come here, then? Why not go to your new place and start setting up the baby’s room?”
Zoe shakes her head, a refusal to respond stamped on her face, but then peeks at me, head tilted so her thick lashes obscure her eyes. “BJ insisted. He wanted to meet up with Vince.”
“Why?”
Zoe glances at me with embarrassment tightening her features. “I don’t remember really.”
“You said BJ was angry. What was he angry about?”
She grimaces. “Me.”
“What about you?”
Zoe turns her back on me and moves a few feet away, then stops. Head bowed and shoulders slumped, she partially covers her mouth, but I have no problem picking up on her words. “Me being crazy. He blamed Vince.”
“Why?”
“It wasn’t Vince’s fault. It was just a coincidence.”
“What happened to make BJ think Vince was to blame?”
“We slept together.”
“What?” I bite out the word.
Zoe pivots, her widened eyes locking on to me. “Don’t be angry. Vince was a onetime thing. That’s it. We fooled around a bit, but me and BJ got together, and I got pregnant, and Vince backed off. He never loved me. He screwed everyone he could get naked. It didn’t mean anything, despite what he told people. Vince was a player and—”
I go to Zoe, pulling her into my arms, and brush my mouth over hers, stopping her defensive rant. “Do not apologize for a past I wasn’t a part of.”
“You’re angry. I feel it.” She reaches between our bodies and presses a hand to her chest, right over her heart.
“He hurt you.”
“They both did.”
“What did BJ do?”
Zoe presses her lips together, her reluctance to answer clear.
“Zoe,” I coax. “What did he do?”
“I don’t remember exactly. I just knew we were fighting that night. We’d been fighting a lot, actually.”
“Over what?”
Zoe’s brows furrow, and her eyes pinch. “I don’t remember. Things were starting to get real at that point, but I can’t remember. That’s the honest truth, but I do know he was drunk and high that night.”
“Only that night?”
Zoe shakes her head.
“Who got BJ hooked on drugs?”
“Vince. He was a dealer. BJ was one of his customers, but he was trying to get clean.” Zoe glares at me. “For me. For our baby. I remember that much. He loved us!”
My tiger nudges me, a mental reminder that my words matter. Out of my big cats, my tiger is the one most attuned to the emotions of those around me. Its insight is invaluable. It guided me through my deals with Uri when he was finding his way with his true mate. It steered me during Izzy’s outbursts, and its caution over alienating a pride mate stopped me from casting my niece out for her betrayal. So many other times, my tiger has stopped me from saying something or doing something I’d regret. I appreciate my tiger’s intervention, but in this, I don’t need the assistance. The defensiveness radiating from my true mate is palpable. I can all but taste her challenge. Take her up on it, and she’ll lash out. Or walk away.
“Vince got him hooked on Elixir, didn’t he?”
“Yes.” Zoe grimaces, her cheeks flushing and the scent of embarrassment choking the air around her. “It was supposed to be harmless. A dissociative drug, like a milder hallucinogen. Those who took it had out-of-body experiences, really ‘out there’ episodes that left them feeling powerful and attractive and godlike.”
“Vince never offered it to you, though. Did he?”
“No, never. Probably because he knew I wouldn’t be interested. Back in high school, I steered clear of drugs and booze. I just liked to party, have a sip or nurse a drink all night if we were out somewhere everyone was drinking. I didn’t like how I felt when I had too much.”
“Why?”
“I heard voices.” Zoe gives a nervous laugh and waves off her words. “I was a crazy drunk, I guess. Besides, someone had to get everyone home safe. That was me, the official designated driver, even before I was pregnant.”<
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“You came to my house last summer so drunk, you couldn’t stand up.”
“And if I didn’t pass out in your bed, I would’ve ended up here.” Zoe flicks her fingers to the valley before us. “Maybe down there.”
“You would’ve killed yourself?”
Zoe gives a half shrug. “I haven’t any of the other times I came here drunk and arguing with the voices in my head.”
“About what?”
Instead of answering, Zoe returns to the ledge and crouches down. “I have different memories of what happened once we got here. I told the police several of them, each time insisting it was the truth. Then when I got on the stand, I said something different. I looked the fool, and Vince’s version is what the jury believed.”
“What do you believe?”
Zoe sits and swings one leg over the side, then the other, and looks down into the valley. “I got between them. I have a vivid memory of Vince standing over me with blood dripping from his hands.”
“From his claws.”
“Back then, I thought it was just his hands, but I remember seeing his sharpened nails now. I also vividly remember BJ screaming. I knew he fell, even though I couldn’t see it, and I couldn’t move. I hurt.” Zoe glances over her shoulder. “I never hurt so bad before. There was blood everywhere.” She draws in a breath as tears slip free. “And my baby…he was hurt. He was kicking…panicking. I don’t know how else to describe it. He was hurt, Kade. I couldn’t save him.”
I pull Zoe into my arms and away from the ledge, then drop on my ass on the rock while Zoe wraps her arms and legs around me. “He kept kicking, and I kept bleeding. I didn’t know how to help him, how to help me. I hurt, Kade. I hurt so bad. I couldn’t even move, and Vince left me. He left me, Kade. Left us there dying.”
With my arms wrapped around Zoe, I hold her. I just hold her. My words won’t make the memories better or change what happened.
Zoe’s hiccups turn into deep sobs that shake her body. All the while, I kiss her cheek and stroke my hands over her, just holding her, letting her feel my support. She mutters her brother’s name, but even with my enhanced senses, I can’t make out the jumbled cry.
“What, Zoe? What about Josh?”
“He showed up. I heard fighting. Roaring. Screaming.”
“Josh was hurt?”
Zoe’s nails dig into my skin and her body tenses, but she doesn’t respond.
“Did Vince attack Josh too?” I rephrase the question, hoping to trigger the memory she’s obviously struggling to find.
“Vince ran, and Josh stayed with me until the paramedics arrived. I remember them saying I lost too much blood. They couldn’t believe how much blood I lost. They kept saying that, kept saying I should be dead.” Zoe turns her head, resting her cheek on my chest. “And then I woke up in the hospital.”
She doesn’t remember, but the memory doesn’t change the outcome or dim her pain. It’s real. I feel the emotion as a wound festering within her, but there’s acceptance in her tone and the way she leans into me. No doubt sharing the worst of her experience helped.
“And that’s when you learned what happened to your fiancé and baby. When you woke in the hospital?”
“No. Nobody told me anything. I asked. I remember asking, demanding where they were. I was insisting they were alive, but someone took them from me. I even demanded the police search for them. They all let me ramble.”
“Not even Josh?”
“I didn’t see him for a long time. Days, weeks, hours…I don’t know how long. I was in and out of consciousness. It was quiet in my hospital room when he finally came in, and he handed me the stuffed tiger he’d given me at the baby shower and said everything was taken care of.” Zoe grabs a fistful of my shirt and pulls herself closer. “Then he held my hand until I stopped crying.”
“I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t make anything better, but I’m sorry you lost your baby and the man you loved.”
“I did love BJ.” Zoe jerks on the handful of my shirt she’s holding. “I do love BJ. I love the baby I never got to hold too.”
“I believe you.”
Zoe doesn’t call me a liar or give me some snarky reply. Likely she can feel the truth of my words. Minutes pass with Zoe clinging to me in silence and me offering the strength I wish she’d had years ago.
Finally, Zoe eases her death grip and links her hands behind my neck. Pink blotches and swollen eyes reflect the battle scars she’s carried ever since that night.
“Nobody told me anything. Not the details of that night. Not how long I was in there. Not what was happening with Vince. Not even what they had to do to save my life.”
My cats freeze, tensing my muscles and leaving me as on edge. I swallow against a lump in my throat and blink against the burn in my eyes as a sense of foreboding grips me. “What did they have to do?”
“My baby was gone long before the paramedics arrived, and those ER doctors and nurses focused on saving my life. I was slashed open, deep gouges that ripped through my uterus and placenta.” Zoe takes a deep breath as tears flow in twin rivers from her eyes. “And I kept bleeding. So much that my blood pressure dropped along with my body temperature. Then my organs started to shut down. It was a race against time.”
“What did they have to do?” I ask again, but my mind already knows, and Zoe’s blurry image proves it.
“Hysterectomy.” She hiccups on a sobbed cry torn from her soul. “Do you understand now? I can’t have kids, Kade. Even if I can somehow save you from my mistake, I can’t be the woman you need. I told you that. You wasted everything on me…on a woman who isn’t really a woman anymore.”
Zoe moves to stand. I tighten my hold on her. “Stop.”
“Stop, what?” Zoe presses her palms into my shoulders and strains against my embrace. “Stop you from tossing away your eternity? Stop you from thinking I’m your perfect mate? I can’t do either! I gave in to my stupid cravings. You called me, and the moment I heard your voice after all those months, I caved. I had to see you. Touch you. And look what happened. I drove across the country just to freakin’ be near you, and I go and screw you over, just like I screwed up my life.”
“You didn’t screw anything up.”
Zoe gives up trying to escape and bends closer, our faces inches apart. “You wasted your one shot at happiness on a broken, crazy woman. How is that not screwing up? I should’ve been straight with you the night you got that outrageous idea in your head about us being true mates. If I’d set you straight then, we wouldn’t be here right now.”
“Zoe. Stop it.”
On a hard jerk that forces me to ease my banded embrace or risk Zoe hurting herself, she tumbles to the side and scrambles out of arm’s reach. “Take it back. Your soul. Take it back and give it to me the next time we meet. If you take it back, you won’t lose it when I die. You won’t lose everything. Just me, and I’m not worth it. Next time, Kade. Next time, I’ll be worthy of you. I promise. I won’t screw up again. I’ll be the woman you need. I’ll be your everything. Forever and always.” Zoe chokes on her sobs. “I promise.”
“No.”
“But you can. Right? You can take it back?”
I stare at Zoe but don’t answer.
“What’s the matter?” She laughs. “Don’t want to lie to me?”
I crack my jaw. “Yes, I can take it back, but doing so will likely kill you.”
She shrugs. “Then it’ll be less time until I’m reborn and we can have another go at this true mate thing.”
“Then you accept we’re meant to be together?”
Zoe stands and wipes at the dirt and crushed leaves on her clothes. “My offer stands. Let me know when you want your soul back. In the meantime, I have a couple of errands to run. Talk to you later, Kade.”
I stride forward and snatch Zoe’s hand before she can walk away and throw her words back at her. “What’s the matter? Don’t want to lie to me?”
“No.” Zoe traces my jaw from my ear to my
chin. “I want you to make the right choice for you, for your pride, for everyone relying on you. We both know what it is too. The sooner you accept that, the better.”
“You are the right woman for me. The right choice. I don’t want a different version of you. I want the woman I see in front of me. And I want to walk through the centuries with you.”
“And how many centuries do you think we’ll get once word gets out I can’t give you babies?” Zoe challenges me with her demanding stare and mocking tone. “Human mates are already considered weak, but at least a real human woman can be a surrogate. They can fulfill that primal instinct to continue the alpha bloodline. That’s important in shifter culture. Don’t even try to tell me it isn’t. Zach and I talked about everything I’ve missed on our way out to the prison. He told me of the troubles the Kagan alpha and his human mate have had. Told me how Gwen has struggled with gaining and holding the respect of the Winchester pack. Told me of the problems Mira and Josh had too. When it comes right down to it, mating for love is not enough for the shifter world.
Zoe holds my chin and rises up on her tiptoes for a chaste kiss. “And I don’t know if what you feel is love or a primitive need to possess what you think belongs to you.”
Words fail me. For an alpha who is supposed to meet every challenge in life, I can’t come up with the right thing to say that’ll soothe Zoe’s fears. Because that’s what this all comes down to. She fears failing me the way she thinks she failed her fiancé and baby. In the end, there’s only instinct pushing me to be what Zoe needs, and she doesn’t want someone to coddle her. She wants someone to make her powerful, so she never loses again.
And as an alpha, sometimes you have to trust your gut.
“The goddesses would agree with you. Mating for love is not enough.” I pull Zoe’s hand off my chin and bring her fingers to my mouth to nibble on the tips and watch desire slide into my true mate’s eyes, a connection that’ll only get stronger the longer we’re together. “They promised power, peace, and strength. They promised a path to becoming godlike, their living warriors here on earth. Love? I’m not sure the goddesses know how to separate that emotion from the high of pure, godly vitality. And that, Zoe, that is what you offer me. Not babies, not an eternity of romantic dates or silly dreams. You offer me heaven.”