“Yes, I do, Rachel, but this is nothing more than politics. Why should we let them get the upper hand?”
“I’m not sure I’d call this politics,” I replied, “but, in a sense, you could argue that all relationships are political. I know you’re not married, but you have an older brother who is, right?”
“Yes. He’s eight years older than me, and he has a wife and two adorable children.”
“Okay, Katy. Now when Thanksgiving and Christmas come around, doesn’t he have to negotiate with parents and in-laws relating to where they spend the day? That’s politics, albeit family style. Anyway, that’s my way of looking at things. So, if it were up to me, I’d call Manchester. Yesterday, rightly, you told me this was your problem. It is, and I’ll leave the decision on how to handle it up to you,” I said rising.
“Okay, so I’ll call him up and say I’m sorry that he took offense over my call.”
“Ah, the legal apology.”
“Legal?”
“Yes, Katy. In my opinion there are essentially six ways to apologize; five meaningless games and one gracious way.”
Avoiding an Apology: The Five Meaningless Games
“Five meaningless games?”
“Sure, first there is the legal game—it’s when you transfer the blame to the other party. You’re pleading not guilty. So you say ‘I’m sorry that you took what I said the wrong way.’ Then there’s the journalistic approach. That’s the so-called apology that attributes everything to an unnamed source. ‘I was told you had handled this. That’s why I reacted so strongly.’ Who’s lying? Who knows? Should you take forty percent of the blame? Thirty percent? Why not take a poll? Third is the scientific apology. In this one, you hold the whole event under a microscope, agonizing over each detail. Did A lead to B? Was there a scientific cause behind it? You say ‘I did X because you did Y. Perhaps if you had done Z...’ Get my drift?”
Katy laughed. “I think I’ve done all of those at some time.”
I laughed too. “So have I. That’s why I can name them all. The problem is, when I’ve used them, I’ve never gotten the result I wanted.”
“I can see why. So what’s next?”
“Next is the theatrical apology. ‘Oh, I can’t believe I could have done something so awful. You wouldn’t believe what was going on here. I mean, it’s a zoo! Can you ever forgive me?’ Finally, there’s the political apology. In this one you talk as if something may have happened, but no one was there. It goes, ‘We regret a mistake was made by someone. Of course, since we had no control of the situation, we can’t assume responsibility for the event.’”
“Okay, Rachel. Let’s say, just for hypothetical reasons, you were going to make a gracious apology. What would you say?”
Role Modeling
“Whenever I have something like this to do, the first thing I think about is the outcome. Yesterday we talked about what a good outcome would be—an improvement in the working relationship. I mean, here’s an opportunity, so why not take advantage of it? So, the first thing I’d say, if it were me, is ‘Frank, the reason I called is that yesterday I messed up (or lost it, or goofed) and I’m sorry.’ I like ‘goofed,’ personally, but pick your own word. Then I’d give him a chance to respond. Let’s say he told me the whole thing made him angry. Then I would say, ‘I don’t blame you for being angry. I should not have called John Kramer, and I certainly hope he wasn’t mad at you.’ If he told me Kramer was angry, I would say, ‘Rachel has called him and let him know we were out of line. If there’s anything more we can do please tell me.’
“At this point, I would expect him to either be generous and nice or still a bit huffy. Either way, I would ask him if there were some way we could help him research the invoices. If not, would he prefer we send duplicates. I would also tell him, if there’s a problem at any time in the future, please let me know, and I promise to handle it better.”
“What if he’s still huffy?”
“My position is always this: I make one good sincere apology. I do not keep apologizing for any offense, no matter how awful. If someone needs that, my feeling is he should ‘lighten up.’ The key is, no matter what, be gracious, but don’t revisit the crime scene. Just act as if everything is okay, and move on. If you follow this strategy, all will go well, believe me. But don’t forget, Katy, an apology is only useful if it’s followed by action. After all, in most cases, it’s possible to make amends. Some people go on committing all kinds of small atrocities and behave as if an apology makes everything all right. I know that’s not you, Katy.”
“No, it’s not. I’m off to make a gracious apology, Rachel, and to make amends. I’ll let you know how it goes.”
“I have no doubt it’ll be fine.”
Stuart: The Challenge of Cynicism
By 2:30 I was sitting in the conference room waiting for Stuart. When he didn’t arrive by 2:40, I stood up to leave, and opening the door, almost collided with him. Unfortunately, some of the contents of my diet coke wound up on the front of his starched blue shirt.
“Oops. Sorry,” I said, flinching inwardly at the sight of brown speckles on his shirt. “I had given up on you.”
He paid little attention to me as he took the tissues I offered and wiped at the stains.
Then he turned toward me. “Did you know you got it on your dress?”
I looked down at my dress and laughed. “Well, I feel better then. We match.” He laughed too. What he wanted to talk about he told me was the possibility of his moving into Perry Winkle Enterprises. Opportunities at To Your Health had dried up with the downsizing and flattening of the organization. He was too young to sit things out, he said. I told him PWE expected continued expansion in the next few years. He pressed me. I said that Elroy Grant would probably pay us a visit in a few weeks and I’d be sure to introduce him.
He wanted to know how well I knew Elroy. I responded that I had known him for a long time and had worked for him several times. Then I asked him to tell me more about himself. He said he had always had aspirations to move up in the organization. He thought things were going well but then Griff left. Now that PWE had shown some interest in being more than a distant owner, he saw some possibilities for the future.
Stu let me know he was no stranger to corporate politics. He wanted me to talk to Elroy about him. I told him it was probably premature, but I’d see what I could do at some time in the future. When I pointed out we’d have a stronger case with Elroy if the group could improve marketing results at TYH, he looked at me as if I had just arrived on a space ship. “Here?” he asked, incredulously.
I felt as if we were not having a conversation but rather taking turns talking. I asked him what he could tell me about the marketing problems at TYH. He shrugged and said he had lost interest. “Everything has fallen apart,” he said, adding, “you probably won’t be hanging on to Katy much longer. She’s much too good for this place. Gayle stayed in this department just two months and quit. Marketing at TYH is the kiss of death.”
He had thrown down the gauntlet. I struggled to moderate my reaction, but inwardly I thought If Elroy heard him today, he’d be history. “Why is that?” I asked.
“Because everything has shut down. Maybe no one cares anymore.”
“No one?”
“Well, maybe not everyone,” he responded.
I didn’t understand. It didn’t appear that everything had shut down. The company was still in business, I told him, and the PWE plans I had seen indicated it was likely to remain so. I pressed him. “What about your sales?” I asked. “Can you tell me how they are going?”
“Okay,” he said. Then looking at his watch, he said, “I’ve got to go. Big weekend plans. Maybe we can finish this next week. I’m hoping you can give me more insight into the opportunities at PWE.”
I agreed, then added, “Think about the situation at TYH. Maybe you can give me some more insight into what we need to do to revive things here.” He nodded and left me with a gnawing sense that the te
am, at least his part of it, had already left the field. Stu was a double concern to me. Judging from what I had seen and experienced, he had influence on Katy. I hoped his attitude wasn’t poisoning hers.
Around 3:45 I heard some voices outside my office. It was Tom Gaines talking with Judy. I got up and went to the door. “She’s here to stay,” he said, smiling and motioning toward Judy. “Good work, Rachel.”
“It’s Judy who does the good work,” I said and he grinned. After today’s events I thought it would be nice to talk with someone who wasn’t ready to do battle, so I invited him in. He was on his way to a meeting he told me, and then in a stage whisper added it involved happy hour at a bar close by. We talked about the weekend, and he told me he and his wife were taking some customers to a basketball game. I told him I had a plane to catch.
As I got ready to leave, I thought of Alicia. Could she still be at her desk? I made up my mind she was leaving, like it or not. She was still there. “Let’s walk out together,” I said. She started to protest, then began cleaning off her desk. “I’m coming,” she said and looking straight up at me, she smiled.
My flight was late departing, and so I passed the time at the airport putting some notes about the day into my laptop.
NOTES TO MENTORING FILE
_____________________________
Sometimes mentors need to be teachers, especially when the person being mentored is relatively new to the business world. It is important to explain the reasons for recommending specific actions as well as giving examples when asked. The art is to teach gently without philosophizing. It always helps if you can empathize by pointing out your past shortcomings in the same area. What have you learned? Don’t be hesitant to respond to the mentee’s concerns or answer her questions—about politics, or anything else.
Example: Making an Apology
1. When making an apology, first consider the outcome.
2. Say you’re sorry, admitting you messed up. Don’t try to make yourself look good to avoid blame.
3. Acknowledge that the other person has a right to be angry (or confused or disappointed, etc.).
4. Make amends.
CHAPTER 5
Mentoring through
Difficult Situations
I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
— Bill Cosby
I remember feeling vaguely dissatisfied with the weekend, not because of Paul but rather because little seemed to be happening with Brad. Our son was in and out, doing his normal weekend things. Once I saw him head for the car with a pair of in-line skates tied over his arm. This did not look like progress to me. Paul was getting impatient, but he said we should give Brad a little more time. The discussion between them had gone well, Paul told me, it was just that nothing had happened since. Brad had said he would think about it. Given the fact it was only two days since then, we both decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. He would come through we assured each other.
Monday morning arrived all too quickly. I smile thinking about it as I pick up the letter and reread the passage:
When you didn’t come back that second Monday, I thought we had run you off. Judy was out that morning, but when she came back she assured us that you were visiting the main office. Aha, I thought, plotting!
I must admit I was plotting. I told Elroy of my preliminary assessments, starting with the meeting with Altis. He listened intently. “He’s on his way out, Rachel. I spoke to him Friday. He’ll get a good retirement package, but I left him with no illusions about the future. No matter what he does, it will have to be somewhere else.” Elroy told me they had not yet decided on a replacement. There were several candidates at TYH, but Elroy thought bringing someone in from PWE might be a breath of fresh air. I told him that PWE was seen as an absentee landlord and little else. He nodded in agreement. “That’s over,” he told me. Then looking straight at me, he asked, “What else?”
I told him I was troubled by the building and its antiseptic, temporary look. Somehow, it seemed to be symbolic of the lack of energy and boredom I had seen at TYH Headquarters.
He nodded, “You’ve mentioned this before. It’s time to change things. Check out your budget.”
“What if there isn’t money available?” I asked.
He rolled his eyes. Then he said, “Did you lose your company credit card?”
We both laughed. I brought him greetings from his friend John Kramer of Super Health, telling him there had been a slight misunderstanding, but leaving out the specifics of the situation with Katy. Then things got serious. I told him TYH’s decision to pull back on both wholesale and retail marketing coupled with Altis’ management style had morale at rock bottom. He said he wasn’t surprised, adding that PWE had spent too much time studying the situation and not enough doing something about it. He said he was thinking of paying a visit, but he wasn’t sure when. “I’ve still got some unfinished business with Altis,” he said, “and besides, I’d like to take a look for myself.”
Then he asked me what I thought of “my crew.”
I told him people were demoralized from all the changes that had occurred. Gayle had left, and I thought we needed to replace her. Elroy agreed, pointing out that was one of the few supervisory duties that couldn’t wait for my successor.
“We’ve got to get your team up and running,” he said. “So what about the others?”
I told him Alicia was a “workhorse” and probably could make a more significant contribution. “She really cares,” I said, “but she’ll burn out if she continues working the way she is now.” I thought Katy had potential, but she needed some interpersonal coaching and training.
He grinned. “It’s good that you’re there. She couldn’t get it from a better source.”
“The problem,” I grimaced, “isn’t the coaching or training. It’s convincing her that she needs it.”
“Well, according to my friend and interpersonal guru Rachel, that’s always the monumental task, isn’t it?”
“Guru? Me?” We both laughed.
Tom Gaines was well-liked, I continued, and I hoped we could find a way to encourage him again. Then I spoke of Stu. “I’m not sure what to think, Elroy. He was considered a hotshot once, but now he’s disgruntled, and it’s rubbing off on Katy.”
“Think we should let him go?” Elroy wondered.
“I’m not sure yet,” I said (and I was surprised at my response, because I had been thinking that was just what I wanted). “I’d like to see if we could bring him back because I think some of what’s going on with him is TYH’s fault. On the other hand, I could use some advice from a pro.”
“You’re the pro, Rachel.”
“You’re not getting off so easy,” I countered.
“What were you thinking of doing?”
“I’m not sure. I want him to understand how his attitude is affecting his credibility and future. Just as important, I want him to stop pushing Katy toward the edge. The problem is, my talking to him might increase his defensiveness and cause worse problems.”
Preparing for a Difficult Conversation
“I think that depends on what you say to him. At this point, he isn’t a very likeable fellow, and that could be standing in the way of a good dialogue. Maybe the way to approach him is through the door he’s already opened—that is, what he is looking for.”
“He knows I can’t give him what he wants, except through you.”
“But you’re my surrogate, Rachel. So why not tell him why you’re there? You’ve been sent by me to assess the situation and make recommendations about the people. Tell him you’re stuck when it comes to him. Then, hold up that mirror. Here’s what you see, and here’s the impact. He’s got options, and you can talk about that. You know ‘the drill.’ Heck, you’ve taught it to me. Just let him know the outcome is in his hands.”
“You’re a genius. That’ll work.”
“You’re going to have to be direct. He’s not a kid, and
he’s looking to move up. Tell him the truth. That’s treating him with respect, whether he likes it or not. Just be sure he understands what you’re talking about. From what you’re telling me, his days with TYH are numbered if he doesn’t shape up.”
“Agreed. But I’m not promising when we’ll talk. I need to find the right moment.”
“As long as he doesn’t destroy your Stanford graduate, that’s okay. Just don’t drag it out. I’m guessing that’s more advice than you were looking for. How about a quick lunch in the cafeteria?”
I was having lunch with Paul I told him, but I took a rain check. Before I left, I asked when he planned to visit TYH. “I’ll await a formal invitation,” he said.
“From?”
“You,” he told me. “Keep the e-mail coming.” I said I would.
Paul and I had lunch on the way to the airport. We reassured each other that things would go well with Brad. Paul promised to call the minute he and Brad talked about the situation again, and I left to go back to Houston.
Tuesday morning was sunny and crisp, one of those perfect Houston days you wish you could keep in the freezer and thaw when you needed it. I took Memorial Drive enjoying the collection of brightly clad joggers, walkers and runners, accompanied by an assortment of Labs, Dobermans, and Rotts, all getting their morning exercise. Ahead and slightly to my right was the skyline, an elegant asymmetric display of rectangles and pyramids in mixtures of glass, granite and marble. In the car immediately in front of me was a woman eating a doughnut. Immediately to my right was a man driving a Lexus and reading the newspaper. I decided it was his car, but I was pleased when my lane speeded up and I passed him. No time to waste. Houston was getting ready for work.
The Art of Mentoring Page 7