Living With Regret

by Riann C. Miller

  JORDAN

  “Jordan, you’re aware of Chase’s memory problems but Mrs. Adams has granted me permission to fully discuss his medical condition with you. I’d like you to know that this information hasn’t been made public. Mr. Girard is the only other person outside of Mr. and Mrs. Adams that knows about Chase’s condition.”

  After leaving Chase’s room, Dr. Wallace asked me to visit with him for a few minutes. When we arrived at his office, we walked in on Steve and Donna in the middle of a very heated argument.

  “I understand. I won’t say anything.”

  Dr. Wallace gives me a reassuring smile. Everyone’s eyes follow Steve as he grunts his displeasure about me still being here.

  “Chase has an unusual case of retrograde amnesia. He knows who he is, who his friends and family are, and he even knows that he plays football for the Arizona Cardinals. However, somehow his brain has made up a role for you in his life and Chase believes he has the memories to support this. I was hoping that once he saw you that it would dispute his memories to the point that he remembers you’re no longer a part of his life, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.”

  Dr. Wallace taps his fingers on his desk. “One or all of us could go into his room and confront him, tell him the truth, demand that he listen, demand that he shows proof of this reality he feels he lives in. However, I feel blindsiding him with this information will send his mental state spiraling out of control.

  “I believe, for whatever reason, Ms. Taylor, that Chase was thinking about you before his concussion, or it’s possible before he regained consciousness he was dreaming about you. Either of those situations could have tricked his mind in to believing his thoughts are real.”

  Steve makes another rude noise but this time everyone ignores him.

  “Since Chase didn’t immediately know after seeing you that his new reality doesn’t actually exist, I think we should give him a little more time. I would like Chase to talk to Dr. Matthew Stein. He’s a colleague of mine that happens to be one of the best psychologists on the west coast.”

  Steve jumps to his feet. “My son doesn’t need a quack doctor. He’s not fucking crazy!”

  Mr. Adams appears to be done listening and pretending to be respectful because next he turns his vile attitude on me.

  “Were you calling him? Were you talking to him?” He shakes his head in anger. “Lord, I knew—hell, everyone fucking knew—you were a huge distraction for him and now you’ve finally done it. Instead of paying attention during a goddamn game, he was thinking about you and now ...fuck! Now he may never get to play again. I hope you’re fucking proud of yourself.”

  My heart sinks and my anger spikes. The only thing I ever did to Chase was love him. It was Chase that broke my heart, even though I now have a better understanding of why he did.

  I do my best to push my anger down as I stand up. Steve and Donna got their wish ten years ago, but I’m no longer the teenage girl they can treat however they want.

  I give Dr. Wallace the nicest smile I can manage to fake. “I wish you the best of luck on Chase’s recovery.” I turn to walk out of the office but Donna is already up on her feet, running after me.

  “Please don’t leave. Please. He needs you. He wants you here. I’m begging you, Jordan, please don’t leave my son.”

  I never questioned Donna’s ability as a mother, and her concern for her son right now just proves what a wonderful mother she actually is. She’s clearly going against her husband’s wishes and the Donna I remember always agreed with Steve.

  “I’m sorry, Donna. I really am.” I reach out and give her hand a big squeeze before I turn back towards the door.

  “Don’t be sorry. Stay and give him time. That’s all he needs. Just a little bit of time, please.”

  I breathe out a sigh and decide to try a different route. I move towards Mr. Adams and look him directly in the eyes. “Why exactly do you hate me?”

  Steve’s face shows a frenzy of emotions before he decides to answer me. “I don’t hate you. I just don’t think you’re what my son needs.”

  I hold his stare. “If you don’t hate me, then maybe you shouldn’t act like you do. I didn’t ask to come here. I didn’t ask to be pulled into his mess. And it’s time that you stop treating me like I’m a despicable person that’s out to ruin your son’s life because I’m not and I never was.”

  “But you already have.”

  I gasp loudly as Donna hollers, “Steven!”

  I’m not one to throw around the word hate often but I’m almost certain that’s the feeling I have for Steve. I take a step closer, invading his personal space. “I don’t know the way it works in your world, but in mine, when someone acts like a pompous asshole, then that’s exactly how I treat them. Which means I’m going to ask you the question that both Donna and Chase have been too fucking chickenshit to ask.” The room goes quiet while I stand toe-to-toe with Steve. He straightens his back and glares at me. He doesn’t appear to be backing down any more than I am which is fine.

  “Why does Chase play football? Have you ever stopped for even one goddamn second at any point in your life and asked Chase what he wants? Was it his dream to play in the NFL or was it yours? You had trainers working with him before he even started school. You may have fooled everyone including Chase that this is his dream, but you never fooled me, and that’s the reason you’ve always hated me. I’m the only person who’s ever crossed your path that had the power to undo all of your hard work. But guess what? That happened anyway and I didn’t have a damn thing to do with it. Chase may never play football again, and if you want to stand here and blame me for Chase thinking about me when I haven’t spoken to him for over ten years, then you’re only proving what I already know: that you’re a huge jackass.”

  The room is deathly silent to the point that I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. Then someone behind me starts clapping. At the same time, all four of our heads turn to see Jake standing inside the door with a huge smile on his face.

  “Damn, girl, you pack quite the punch and you’re entertaining as hell.” I’m not positive but judging by the way he’s smiling at me, I think that was a compliment.

  However, Donna speaks up before I can. “Jake, not now.”

  Without another word, Steve pushes past me and out of Dr. Wallace’s office, slamming the door shut as he leaves. I have no idea if I’ve made Donna mad and I’m not about to apologize if I did.

  “Looks like I made it to the party a few minutes too late. Are you always this dramatic, sweetheart?” Jake’s eyes are dancing with amusement.

  “You know what? You can all go screw yourselves. I have a life, a very busy life, and I don’t have time for this.” I grab my purse and move towards the door when Jake steps in front of it, blocking my exit. “Excuse me,” I say, trying my best to maneuver around the beast. But instead of moving, Jake continues to stand in my way.

  I roll my eyes and glance up at him. Instead of the jokester he’s been since I arrived, he looks concerned, almost worried.

  “I promised my boy that you would be here when he woke up. And I never go back on a promise.” The sudden change in Jake’s behavior has me rattled. Before I can think about it further, Donna is back to begging me to stay.

  “Please don’t listen to Steven. He’s mad and upset and wants someone to blame, but none of this is your fault. I know that and deep down so does Steve. And you’re right. Every single word you just spoke is closer to the truth than Steve is willing to admit.

  “Jordan, I know my son truly cared about you when you two were in high school, but it wasn’t until after he left for college that it became clear to me that he was in love with you. He changed and not for the better. Being away from you, it broke something inside of him, and while I never predicted the condition he’s in now, I’m also not the least bit surprised that he allows his mind to believe you two are together.”

  My back is to Donna while my glassy eyes are cast to the floor. “You came befor
e football, at least to Chase. And I know you think he had a choice but he didn’t. Not really. He was forced to sacrifice the one thing he was told he could live without.” Donna takes a deep breath and sniffles. “Sweetheart, he was eighteen, and right or wrong, parents can influence their children into doing things they don’t really want to do. Ten years ago, I played a part in Chase’s decision to let you go, but I refuse to stand by and do that again.

  “He loves you. He never stopped loving you and you might not be in love with him anymore but I’m begging you ...please stay and help him.”

  Tears streak down my face while I wonder what I should say. I don’t want to think of Chase suffering but I’m not sure I’m strong enough to handle this. Because, hell ...I’m being asked to save the man responsible for destroying me. And if I’m not careful, history is liable to repeat itself. Only this time, I know in advance that I’m about to sacrifice more than my heart can handle.

  Instead of answering Donna, I turn to Dr. Wallace. “What exactly do you want from me?” I quickly brush away my tears, hoping no one else witnessed them.

  “Only what you’re willing to give, Jordan. I’m not up to date on the history you share with Chase, but it’s evident that being here is hard on you.” His voice is filled with compassion.

  I was hoping he’d act like an ass like Steve so I’d feel justified in my choice to leave. Instead, he acts concerned about me.

  Can I really agree to do this? Can I put my life on hold to help Chase? But the bigger question is: Can I go back to New York with this on my conscience? Go back to living my life wondering and worrying about him even if he isn’t my burden to carry? And that’s the problem ...I don’t think I can. Like it or not, I’m involved and from what Dr. Wallace has said, my involvement plays a large role in his recovery.

  I square my shoulders and clear my throat. “One week. I’ll stay and help Chase work out his memory, but I have a life back in New York and I’m not willing to put my life on hold indefinitely. One week, that’s all I’m willing to give.”

  Donna sags with relief as Dr. Wallace speaks up. “Chase might not be able to appreciate what you’re doing for him at the moment, Ms. Taylor, but when he does, I know he’ll be very grateful.”

  God, I hope he’s right. I can’t help wondering how grateful he’s going to be when I get on an airplane next week and disappear from his life.

  CHASE

  “What the hell is your problem, kid? Are you deliberately trying to get yourself killed out there? Fuck.”

  A day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of Jordan, but today is worse ...much worse. No matter what I do, I can’t get her out of my head and I know why. Today is her eighteenth birthday and I don’t even know where she lives, let alone have a way to wish her a happy birthday. Not that it matters since I’m sure she probably doesn’t want to hear from me.

  Cutting her off and out of my life is what’s best for both of us, or at least, that’s what I was told. If that’s the case, then why do I feel horrible all the time? I’m anxious and I can’t concentrate for shit. So far, my coaches seem extremely let down that the golden boy isn’t cutting it.

  “Adams, I’m only going to tell you this once. Figure your shit out and bring you’re A-game to the next practice or scholarship or not, your ass will be cut! Now get out of my fucking office.”

  Karma is officially a bitch. I dumped the girl I love for football and football is about to dump me. Now I have to decide if I care enough to do anything about it.

  I come awake with my heart pounding from the dream I had, only to find that I’m still in this God forsaken hospital. As I look around the room, I start to panic when I don’t see her. She can’t be gone. She just can’t.

  My mom jumps to her feet. “Honey, what’s the matter?”

  Shit, it’s not that I don’t want my mother here. It’s that I need her here. “Ma, where is she?” I frantically ask, hoping the last time I saw her wasn’t just a dream.

  Ma starts to relax. “She’ll be back, sweetheart. Probably any time now. She was tired so I told her to go and rest her eyes awhile.”

  My panic turns to concern. I never thought about how any of this is affecting her. I’ve only thought about myself and getting out of this hellhole.

  “Oh, yeah, I’m sure she was tired. Thank you, Ma. Why don’t you go and get some rest, too? I know you must be beat.”

  Ma gives me a half-smile and squeezes my hand. “I will soon. I promise. You have an appointment today with Dr. Stein. I met him already. He seems like a wonderful man.”

  “Ma, why do I have to see him before I can go home?” Something is bothering my mom. I don’t know what it is but she looks stressed all the time and she’s careful when she talks to me. Almost like she’s afraid at any moment I’ll go insane.

  “You know that your head is still a little unclear about what happened and Dr. Wallace thinks Dr. Stein will help you put the pieces together, that’s all,” she says as she looks away from me.

  “But I don’t need the pieces. I don’t care what happened that day.” I exhale loudly. “I understand that I may never play football again, but none of that matters, not anymore. Not as long as I have you, Dad, and Jordan in my life.”

  Ma looks like she’s in agony, which I would have expected from my father, but I’m telling the truth. I’ll survive fine without football. I have a shit ton of money in the bank and a college degree. I’m more than ready to start a family with my beautiful wife. If I have to talk to this man to get out of here, then so be it. But talking to him isn’t going to change anything.

  I hear a throat clear by the door. “Hey.” I look and see Jordan once again acting hesitant. She watches me closely for a few seconds until she finally cracks a smile, and just like that, my world feels right again.

  “Hey yourself, beautiful. Did you get a chance to rest?” Jordan takes a few steps closer to my bed.

  “Yes, I did. You look really rested yourself.” I would give anything to jump out of this bed and wrap my arms around her, to take even an ounce of the pain away that I see in her eyes.

  As much as I want to leave, I start to think talking to this Stein guy may not be a bad idea. I’ve fucked something up with Jordan and he might be able to help me figure out what I did and what I need to do to fix it.

  “Ma, when is my appointment with Stein?” I ask, taking my eyes off my wife and returning them to my poor, rundown mother.

  “Two o’clock. A nurse will come and get you and take you to his office.” Good, it’s already close to two and I’m ready to figure this shit out.

  “Babe, do you want to come with me?”

  Jordan’s eyes are huge and I don’t know if it’s from me calling her babe or from my request to have her come with me.

  “Do you want me to go with you?” she softly asks.

  “Of course I do. You’re my wife. I don’t have anything to hide and once I figure out whatever I’m missing, I’ll fix it and we’ll be fine again.” Both of the women in my life are staring at me with looks of anguish on their faces. I want to be pissed at them for keeping whatever secret they share but I have a nagging feeling in my gut that keeps telling me to let it go, that I don’t really want to know ...that it’s better I don’t.

  “Well, I’m going to head out for a while, get some rest. I should be back around dinner time.”

  “We’ll be fine, Ma. Take however long you need.”

  I know my mother has to be overwhelmed by being here practically twenty-four-seven and now that I have Jordan, it’s not necessary for her to camp out in my room.

  “Love you. Be back soon.” As she passes Jordan, she gives her a light squeeze on her hand before walking out and leaving the two of us alone.

  “Do you want to lay down with me?” I ask as I pat the spot next to me on the bed.

  “What?” Her voice cracks and her eyes look panicked. I want her back. I want us back, and I hope she knows I won’t stop until I fix us.

  “That’s okay
, you don’t have to, but will you please go with me to my appointment with Dr. Stein?” I ask, ignoring the way she reacted.

  “Yes, if you want me to and he says it’s okay, then I’ll go.”

  “Jordan, I’m not stupid. I know I’m missing something, but whatever it is, it’s not important. You and me, together we can weather any storm that comes our way, but only if we stick together.” Her lips part but she doesn’t say anything. She looks as lost as I feel.

  “I know it’s a shitty thing to do ...to ask forgiveness when I’m not sure what I’m asking you to forgive me for, but I love you. I always have. I always will. But I need to be honest with you about something . . .” My heart feels like it’s about to pound out of my chest.

  “I’m scared.” My voice shakes. “I’m scared when I figure out what I’m asking you to forgive that I won’t be able to forgive myself and I can only hope whatever I’ve burdened you with is something I can atone for.” I’m looking down at my lap in fear of what I might see on her face.

  Jordan reaches out and places her hand in mine. “We’ll work through this. Together.” Her voice is as soft and soothing as her touch. I feel like I’m finally able to breathe for the first time since I woke up in this place because she said exactly what I needed to hear.

  Together...that word gives me a strange peace. A peace that, for whatever reason, I think has been missing from my life for a long time.

  CHASE

  A nurse—who only last week was dying for my attention—pushes me in a fucking wheelchair to Dr. Stein’s office. Thankfully with Jordan here, the nurses’ advances aren’t nearly as obvious. Still, Jordan trails slowly next to us, acting unsure of her place, which bothers me.

  “Mr. Adams is here for Dr. Stein,” the nurse says over my head to a receptionist. Before she says anything, the doctor’s door opens and a man who looks to be in his early fifties steps out.