Living With Regret

by Riann C. Miller

  “Oh God,” I mumble into her neck as I slowly ride out the rest of my orgasm. When we both finally come back down to earth, I look up at her face and again I’m hit with a strong sensation. A sensation that I need to do whatever it takes to keep this woman by my side—and, this time, I need to ensure I keep her for the rest of my life.

  JORDAN

  Our time in Honolulu was unbelievable. Away from everyone else and the stress of the real world, life with Chase was unimaginably perfect. But now it’s time to face the music.

  Chase opens the door to his gaudy house and waits for me to step in, which I do. I still would like to know if he designed this awful place himself or if he paid someone to go crazy with his checking account because nothing about this place feels like him.

  Chase places our bags down before brushing my hair away from my eyes. “Thank you. I really needed that. We needed that. And I can’t begin to—”

  “Where the hell have you been?” Steve interrupts, anger seeping out of his mouth as he storms into the living room. Chase opens his mouth to say something but quickly closes it.

  “I asked you a question, boy. Where have you been?” Nervously, Chase takes a step away from me, which instantly sends a panic throughout me.

  “Um, I . . .” he mumbles. Geez, you would think that Chase was still eighteen and not twenty-eight by the way they’re interacting with each other.

  Chase takes a deep breath. “We took a little trip, what’s the big deal?” Once the words pass his lips, he looks away from his dad. If I thought Steve was angry before, it was nothing compared to how furious he looks now.

  “What’s the big deal? You fucking leave town without checking in with your team, you disconnect your cell phone number so they can’t call you, and you ask me what’s the big deal? Plus, your mother’s been bitching that you’ve missed some of your doctors’ appointments.”

  My heart drops. What a horrible excuse for a father. He’s more concerned about Chase not talking to his team than worrying about him missing doctors’ appointments. And why didn’t I know about this? I thought Chase said he got everything cleared so we could go.

  “Dad, it’s not a big deal. I couldn’t play or practice, anyway. I’m done for the year and there’s nothing anyone, including you, can do about that.” I look over at Chase, wondering where the strong, unrelenting man I spent the last few days with has disappeared to.

  “You don’t take off like a crazy fucking person, that’s for sure. What did she do to convince you to leave with her?” he snarls out, giving me a hateful look.

  “No, it wasn’t like that.” Chase’s answer lacks the emotion I would have given if I had spoken. He doesn’t even seem upset with the way his dad is speaking to him or about me.

  I clear my throat to speak up, however, before I can say anything, three more people walk into the room, adding to the chaos. Donna, Jake, and Lacey.

  Shit ...Lacey is here, and judging by the look on her face, she’s no more happy with me than Steve is with Chase.

  “Why the fuck would you go on a trip with him? Huh? Seriously, I don’t get it. The only asshole on this planet that has the power to hurt you and you ...you just walk right back into the lion’s den and hand him a whip? Jesus, Jordan, you’re smarter than this.”

  Steve turns towards Lacey. “Don’t come into my son’s home and call him an asshole, especially when she’s the problem,” he says, pointing at me.

  Lacey might be small but she can pack a verbal punch harder than most people. I’m positive this is why she’s a great lawyer.

  “Be quiet, old man. No one, including your precious football playing son, asked for your goddamn opinion.”

  Jake, who took a seat on the couch and is watching everyone like he's at the movie theater, decides to jump in before the situation really gets out of hand. “Okay, okay, everyone, let’s just calm down for a second and let them talk.”

  “I don’t need to hear what she has to say to know she’s trying to get her claws back in my son again. When she’s around, she ruins everything. Isn’t that right, Chase? That’s why you dumped her ass before you left for college. One quick conversation with me and she was history.”

  I gasp, not just from the fact that he spilled the information that everyone except Chase knows, but from the demeaning way he said it.

  “Steven!” Donna screams as I keep my eyes on Chase. So many emotions cross his face.

  Lacey can’t take anymore and unleashes on Steve. “God, you’re such a bitter old fucker. What? Did someone tell you when you were a kid that you weren’t good enough to play football so you decided you’d live out your dreams through your son? And now you think because you’ve done everything possible for him that he owes you something? You walked your dumb ass in here and started spouting off shit about football this and football that, and not once did you ask about what his doctor said.”

  The room goes silent but Lacey, unfortunately, isn’t finished.

  “I hope one day you get screwed by a donkey with a twenty-inch dick because that’s exactly what you deserve. Maybe that way you won’t be so fucking uptight that everyone in your life allows you to screw them over.”

  Jake scrunches his eyebrows. “Whoa, I didn’t know New York had many donkeys let alone ones with dicks that size. Remind me to double check with you before I visit.”

  The three of them are looking at Jake but my eyes are still locked on Chase. He looks confused but he also appears to be angry. When he finally looks up at me, he narrows his eyes. “We’re not married?” His voice is sad and soft, almost too soft to hear, but somehow everyone in the room does because all the chatter stops and everyone looks at Chase. I’m not sure what I should say, but I can hear Dr. Stein in my head.

  Don’t lie.

  “No,” I whisper.

  His eyes thin even more. “We’ve never been married?”

  “Of course you’re not married to her. You got rid of her ten years ago and everyone except me thought it would be a good idea to let you think otherwise. Chase, you have a life and she’s not a part of it for a reason. For a damn good reason.”

  I open my mouth to yell he’s the reason I’m not a part of his life when a beautiful woman who could be a Playboy model steps inside of the open door. She has long blonde hair and exotic eyes. She smiles as she looks around the room, but her eyes stop moving when she spots Chase. She squeals then runs to him.

  “Oh, baby. I was so worried,” she purrs as she wraps her arms around him and presses her huge tits into his chest as she pulls his head down to her face to plant her lips on his.

  Watching this instantly makes me feel sick to my stomach, but it’s Lacey that asks the question I want the answer to. “Who the hell are you?”

  When she pulls back from kissing him—a kiss that he didn’t put much if any effort in to, but one that he didn’t pull away from either—she says, “I’m Carrie, Chase’s girlfriend.”

  Jake chuckles under his breath but other than that, no one, including Chase, says a word as I stand here watching her hang on his arm when only moments ago he was telling me he loved me. I guess if I’m being honest, that statement isn’t fair. Moments ago, Chase didn’t know he had a girlfriend, especially one this beautiful.

  I’m seconds away from a major melt down, but like always, Lacey can read me like an open book and saves me from embarrassing myself in front of everyone.

  “New York is a huge city filled with tons of assholes, but the ones I’ve met today in this room are by far the worst.” Her eyes turn to Steve. “You think you’re someone special and that gives you the right to treat people however you want? Well, you’re wrong because, at the end of the day, you’re still an asshole. And you”—Lacey turns and points her finger directly at Chase—“never deserved her. If this is the kind of man you are then you did her a favor ten years ago, and I hope that thing attached to your arm bleeds you dry. Let’s go.”

  Lacey grabs my bag and physically turns me then gives my back a push unt
il my legs get the memo and I start walking. I don’t look back. I don’t need to.

  Chase didn’t defend me when his father attacked me and he didn’t push that woman away from him. That’s all the information I need. My breathing becomes labored as my heart speeds up.

  God, how in the world did I allow myself to be right back where I started? Crying over a man that doesn’t love me the way I deserve?

  We walk to a car I’ve never seen before and Lacey jumps into the driver seat and extends her hand. “Give me your phone.”

  I wipe away a few tears as I dig my phone out of my purse and hand it to Lacey. She starts driving, heading in the direction of the airport—the place I just came from—when she rolls down her window and chucks my phone out.

  “HEY!” I yell.

  “No, you need to disconnect from that bastard. Last time you held out hope for way too long that he’d call you, but not this time. This time you’re going back to New York and you are getting on with your life. You’re going to go out on a date with Caleb and you’re going to move forward. Fuck that asshole and his arrogant father.” She shakes her head. “Shit, his choice in friends and woman really suck, no offense.”

  I place my face against the cool glass and remain silent as the last ten minutes remain on repeat in my head.

  Why the hell did I ever take Donna Adams’s phone call? Maybe if I had listened to my gut in the first place, I would have saved my heart from the agony it’s feeling now. I had no business entering Chase’s life when he was confused about what role I had in it, especially when I didn’t even have one.

  In the last month, I’ve somehow managed to go back to living my life in New York, or pretending to live, anyway. In less than a week, I allowed Chase—for the second time—to break down my firmly built walls.

  I should have known better, and if I’m being honest, I did, but I allowed my heart to do the thinking instead of my head.

  The first few days I was home, the only reason I even got out of bed was because I feared that Lacey might come unglued if she knew how hard I was truly handling the situation. Therefore, I got up and went to work, pretending life was great, but the second I could, I left and went back home where I locked myself away from the rest of the world.

  I couldn’t begin to tell you what was going on with Natural Cosmetics because no matter how hard I try, I’m not able to get my head in the game enough to care.

  I also haven’t taken the time to replace my cell phone. On the bright side, I haven’t missed it. I told Silvia that Lacey and my parents were allowed to call me at work, but no one else. And this time, under no circumstances, is she to inform me of personal callers.

  This week, however, is different. I’m different. I’m done feeling sorry for myself, and I’m definitely done pining after a man that somehow manages to destroy me every chance he gets. Which is why tonight I’m going out with Caleb.

  I still think it’s a horrible idea dating a guy that Lacey sees every day, a guy she already considers a friend, but the alternative isn’t much better. Caleb sounds like an all-around great guy, and if he does somehow screw me over, he’ll have to deal with Lacey’s aftermath firsthand, which is why I caved and agreed.

  I left work early today because I’ve been neglecting certain areas of my body, parts that may or may not be noticed tonight, but I’m not willing to risk it. After a few hours at the salon, I feel worlds better, which has me acting bolder. For my date, I choose a tight skirt that is shorter than anything I would wear to work paired with an off the shoulder sweater. Add in the fact that I have on my favorite pair of five-inch Christian Louboutin, and I feel fantastic.

  I hear a loud knock on my door. Well ...this is it. I’m going out with Caleb Ramsey. I open the door and I’m almost blown away because he looks worlds better than I remember. He’s tall with light blond hair that’s almost on the shaggy side paired with dark eyes that are currently undressing me. Caleb is tall, probably over six feet, but thanks to my shoes, he’s not standing much taller than me at the moment.

  “These are for you.” After he spoke, I forced my eyes away from the beautiful man in front of me to see that he’s holding a bouquet of flowers. The man brought me flowers. I can’t recall the last time a man gave me flowers and didn’t have a secretary send them to me.

  “Thank you.” Taking them into the kitchen, I grab a vase, fill it with water, and arrange my flowers in it. Turning back, I see Caleb is watching my every move.

  “I hope I’m not being too forward but damn you look stunning.” Inwardly, I’m screaming like a girl at his comment, a comment that came from a man who could make any woman under fifty want to toss her panties in the trash.

  “Thank you.” Geez, is that all I can say? Thank you?

  “Are you ready to go? I made reservations at a place downtown.”

  “Yes, I’m ready.”

  Caleb reaches for my hand and laces it with his. “Then let’s go.”

  CHASE

  “Do you think it’s going to be fair to her? Chase, between school and football, you’re going to be too busy for anything else and eventually the two of you will break up, anyway. If you do it now, you’ll both be able to go off to school with a clear head and focus on what’s really important.”

  From the second I accepted a full ride to Ohio State on a football scholarship, my dad has been on my ass about having a girlfriend. “I don’t need one. Girls will only distract me from what’s really important. She’s trying to trap me.” And the one that he really likes to drive home ...“I’m too young to know what real love is.”

  I know what I feel for Jordan is love, real love, but I also know we have a rocky four years ahead of us and it has me worried. Am I being selfish by not allowing her to live her life? I’m going to be busy and I’m not sure I’ll even have time to call or text her often. I’m afraid she will eventually start to hate me and that’s not a reality I can live with.

  I look over at my mom, who clearly doesn’t share the same opinion as my father about my relationship. From the day I announced I was taking Jordan Taylor out on a date, my mother has been thrilled, and the more she got to know Jordan, the more she liked her. But for the most part, when my dad’s around, she stays neutral, too neutral, like she’s doing right now.

  “Chase, if you and Jordan are meant to be, then you’ll find your way back to each other.” That is not what I was hoping my mom would say and she can see the disappointment in my eyes.

  “What happens if she falls in love with somebody else?” I voice my second biggest concern, the one that follows right behind her hating me.

  With a sad, almost apologetic smile, she adds, “Then it wasn’t meant to be.”

  But we are meant to be and living in a world without her doesn’t seem possible.

  “Chase, have you ever heard the saying ‘If you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, they’re yours forever. If they don’t, then it was never meant to be?’ You’re young, both of you have your whole life in front of you. If Jordan is your destiny, then it will happen. One day, she’ll come back to you.”

  “Chase, did you hear the question I asked you?”

  It’s been weeks since Jordan walked out my door and my memory still isn’t completely clear, but it’s coming back. Flashes here and there are shining a light on the things I somehow blocked out.

  “No, what did you say?” I ask before sighing loudly.

  Right now, I’m at my bi-weekly appointment with Dr. Stein, who seems to piss me off more than anyone I know. Probably because he’s the only person that is brave enough to ask me anything about her.

  “I asked you the same question I ask you every time you’re here. Why are you angry?”

  I roll my eyes. “And I’ll tell you the same thing I always say. I’m pissed because everyone lied to me!” I growl. I hate this man and his stupid questions.

  “Who lied to you and about what?” This is exactly why I hate him. He knows what happened but he’s hell bent on
getting me to repeat everything verbatim.

  “She said she was my wife,” I rush out.

  I never know what this man is thinking because outwardly, his appearance never changes and that pisses me off.

  “Did she call herself your wife? Did she introduce herself as your wife to anyone? Did she ever call you her husband? The question I’m asking, Chase, is did she really lie to you?”

  My blood pressure spikes at his question. “Yes, she lied. Lying by omission is still lying.” I rub my hands over my face. I can’t stand this room or talking about her.

  “I agree. She allowed you to believe something that wasn’t true. Have you ever wondered why?”

  Yes ...only every minute of every day. I wonder if it was some sick game or maybe it was payback for breaking up with her.

  “Chase, you tend to shut down when we talk about Jordan, but I think it’s important for you to properly move forward that you talk about what happened. Here in this room, with me, you’re safe.”

  I inwardly groan while he waits for me to say something, but like normal, I keep my mouth shut.

  “Let me ask you this, what emotion do you feel most when you think about Jordan?”

  I’m never going to be released to play football until Dr. Wallace signs off saying I’m ready, and Wallace is waiting on Stein’s approval. If I want to get on with my life, I need to tell him whatever he wants to hear.

  “I’m angry. That’s what I feel when I think about Jordan. I’m pissed as hell that she allowed me to look like a fool in front of her. I’m pissed at my parents and Jake, too, for that matter.” My little outburst surprises both of us.

  Dr. Stein nods his head. “Again, have you thought about why everyone allowed you to believe something that wasn’t true?” Instead of answering him, I look away because I have no intentions of saying anything more. That’s a question I don’t have an answer to and I’m not willing to listen to any of their excuses.