The world faded around him. The jail cell, the walls, the hard cot. He heard horses neigh in pain, rifle fire split the air. Clinging to this awful place he asked, “Will my wife and her parents be locked up in here where we can be close?”
If only they’d come, he could hang on. He could stay here, away from his nightmares.
“Doubt it,” the soldier who’d done all the talking said. “The lieutenant might see that as being too kindhearted. And this fort is mighty empty. We’ve got plenty of empty lockups.”
Alex’s knees gave out as the two men left and he sank down on his hard cot. He saw a man already dead but still too dumb to know it, trying to put his eviscerated body back together. Blood everywhere. Horses screaming and dying. The impact of bullets hitting his back. He fell forward onto the stone floor of the cell.
And now he was alone. He looked down and saw his hands crimson and dripping blood.
God, please give me strength.
And he saw Beth and the crimson faded.
Alex clung to that vision of her, knowing it was given to him by a loving, compassionate God.
Thirty – one
Mandy, I want to talk to you … just you.” Sidney threw a scalding look at the men watching them fight.
Protect me, dear God.
Mandy was humiliated by the knowledge that she’d married Sidney and didn’t know him at all. But they did have to make a decision. Mandy’s first instinct was to simply walk away. She knew Luther would escort her home, back to her parents.
She also knew that she was a married woman. She’d taken those vows before God. She’d meant them with all her heart, a vow to forsake all others and cleave only unto her husband. Until death do them part. She had a sudden, very satisfying fantasy about Sidney being parted from her by death—she was doing the parting using her bare hands.
Glaring at him, she pulled herself back to the problem of the moment. “Yes, I think that’s wise.”
Turning to Luther, she saw the stubbornness that had brought Luther to an old age fighting in Texas and before that in these rugged, beautiful Rocky Mountains. He was a hard man to budge.
“Please, Luther. Sidney and I do need to have this out, and we need to do it in private.”
Rebellion shone out of Luther’s eyes. For a second, Mandy wondered if he’d take this decision out of her hands and haul her home against her will.
She almost wished he would. Being an adult and making her own decisions was proving to be vexing beyond belief.
If she walked away from Sidney, she could never again marry. After all, she had a husband. And that meant she could never hope for a family of her own. Which brought it fully into mind that she could well have the beginning of that family already. She only resisted resting her hand on her stomach by sheer willpower.
And the next thought followed perfectly after that—if she did have the beginning of a baby, that baby would have a pure weasel for a father. What kind of thing was that to do to a child?
She held Luther’s gaze.
Finally, scowling, he rose from his chair. “I’ll let you talk.” Luther turned those hard eyes on Sidney. The heavy graying brows lowered. “But one thing I won’t do, whatever you decide, is leave. You can talk to her all day long, but the way I see it, Mandy is gonna need help until she’s ready to head home without you. Or, if you talk her into stayin’, she’ll need help teaching you how to be a man. And I reckon it falls to me to be that help whatever she chooses.”
Luther went to the door and opened it, but he turned back to Sidney. Mandy saw a trace of kindness in Luther’s expression. “Instead of mining for gold, Sid, you need to learn hunting. Learn to build furniture and cut firewood. Learn to tan a hide and bust up ground for a garden. Or you need to go into Helena and start up your lawyering, if you really are a lawyer. Whether you are or not, there are jobs for a man in a rugged country like this, if he’s not afraid to work.”
Luther’s tone said very clearly he expected Sidney to be afraid. “Either way, you’ve got some growing up to do, boy.”
Sidney flushed and looked away with his usual sullen expression.
Mandy’s heart sank to think of just how much growing up her husband had to do. She wasn’t sure he had enough time, even if he lived to be ninety.
Buff followed Luther outside and shut the door quietly.
Mandy turned to Sidney, and they just looked for a while, staring into each other’s eyes.
Mandy had so much to say she didn’t know where to start.
She wished Sidney would do the starting, but she realized he never had. He’d listened and shared his dreams, and he’d poured on the charm, but he’d never done much talking about important, sensible things.
And Mandy was, at the very root of her soul, a sensible woman. “I guess you’ve got nothing to say to me about this woman? Is that right, Sidney? Is that what I can figure out from your silence?”
“I’ve told you the truth. That woman is just someone I knew back a few years. I did not marry her. She’s crazy. I knew she kept following me around. That’s part of the reason I came West—to leave her behind. But I had no idea she was crazy enough to follow me all that way, fake those papers.” Sidney glowered at Mandy as if daring her to doubt him.
“So if I do as Luther said and send back East for details on Sidney and Celeste Gray, the names on this marriage license, with dates and the name of the judge and the courthouse where you said your vows, I’ll find out there was never any such marriage, is that right?”
“That’s right.” Sidney’s eyes shifted to the side and Mandy knew he was bluffing. A bit nicer word than lying, but really no different.
Mandy nodded, silent, as she let the pain flow over her. “Okay, well, that’s what I’m going to do. So, until I hear word back from the East, we will not live together as man and wife. We’ll stay here and run this homestead and wait for word.”
“You owe me your loyalty, Mrs. Gray. You swore vows to me, standing before God, and the first time you have to choose between me and your family, you pick them. What kind of vows are those?”
“I owe you loyalty?” Mandy would have laughed in his face if the pain hadn’t been so great. “What kind of a husband are you? What kind of vows did you swear to? You’ve never told me about your childhood. Or what little you’ve told is vague and probably half falsehood. You know everything about me and I know nothing about you. Was your father really at Shiloh? Did you really go to Yale?”
“I have no idea who my father is.” Sidney flung his arms wide and whirled away from her. “My mother was a dance hall girl. She didn’t work above a store. She worked above a saloon! My father could have been a dozen men, maybe a hun—” Sidney’s voice broke and he sank into a chair. Sobs broke from his throat and his head hung as if it weighed a hundred pounds and his neck couldn’t bear the weight.
Mandy was aghast. Her husband was crying. She’d never heard of such a thing. Men didn’t cry. Compassion for her husband welled up in her. She did love him. Love didn’t die in a day. It could be badly wounded, the pleasure could turn to pain, but the love was still there.
But she was a sensible girl—no, woman. All the compassion in the world couldn’t make her close her eyes to her husband’s treachery. She went up to him and rested her hands on his heaving shoulders.
He was quiet now, a shudder racked his body.
“Know this, Sidney Gray, I am giving you a chance, right now, to tell me the whole truth. I love you and we can start again from this point with honesty between us. But if you’ve lied to me, I’m not talking about before today, if you lie to me today about being married to that woman, our marriage is over. I’m giving you a chance to tell me the plain, flat-out truth and nothing but. But if you persist in your lies until we get word from Boston—”
“I was married to her.” Sidney’s voice was so low, Mandy could hardly hear it. But she heard. Oh yes, she heard the words that slit her soul deep. “Yes, the truth is I was married to Celeste. She’s al
l the things I said she was and our marriage was a terrible mistake. She was crazy, dangerous. I left her. I ran away nearly three years ago, and I’ve been wandering ever since.” Sidney lifted his head and twisted in his chair to look at Mandy.
“She pursued me in the East until I finally headed to Texas to escape her for good.” Sidney took her hands where they now rested on the back of his chair. “It’s not fair that I’m bound to her for life. I don’t love her. I can’t be held to a promise I made without knowing what I was promising.”
“Like I was,” Mandy said quietly.
Sidney’s eyes fell shut. “I love you, Mandy. I never knew what love was until I met you. I love your decency, your kindness, your faith.”
“My faith?” Mandy asked.
Sidney had always accompanied her to church. She had assumed he shared her faith. But why would that be the one area where he’d told the truth?
“Yes.” Sidney pressed a kiss on her hands, where they were entwined with his, then rose to stand before her. “I learned something from sitting with you in that church. I learned about God in a way I never had before.” His eyes met hers dead-on. “I’m a changed man, Mandy. I did a lot of things in my growing-up years I’m not proud of. But I’ve asked God to forgive me for them. Celeste was so far in my past—”
“You married me knowing you were already married?” Mandy felt dirty and stained.
“And my life was so new. I felt forgiven even for my foolish marriage. Please, Mandy, please give me a chance to be the husband I can be. I’ve felt so awful with the lies I was holding inside. Now that the truth is known, I can really share my life with you and be closer to you.” He slid one arm around her waist. “We truly are married. You can no more deny that than I could honestly deny my own marriage. Please give me a chance. Say you still love me enough to try and go on together.”
She felt stained—like a sinner. She needed to forgive Sidney just as God had forgiven her. But how could a woman forgive such a thing?
“Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.”
Mandy knew that verse well. And she knew, to the extent anyone could know, that Sidney was speaking from his heart. But how could they go on? How could she feel any affection for him?
Sidney wrapped his arms around her and she felt a frisson of dread, but she let him pull her close. She tried, with considerable might, to forgive him and find a way to go on with her marriage.
Protect me, Lord. Protect me from all of this, what I feel for him and what I don’t feel. Help me know what to do.
At last she got control of the turmoil in her mind and she straightened away from her husband. Looking him square in the eye she said, “If you mean what you say about honesty, then I will stay with you. But we are going to have to both be honest.”
“Wh–what do you mean? Have you been dishonest, too?” He looked almost eager, as if hoping he wasn’t the only sinner in the family.
“Yes, I have been dishonest. I’ve been very unhappy with you since we’ve gotten married, and instead of telling you, I’ve ignored it and acted content. But that’s over now. Now I start telling you exactly what I think. And you are going to listen.”
“What you think?” Sidney’s brows arched nearly to his hairline.
“Yes. I know this life is new to you, but there are things a man needs to do on a homestead and you’re not doing them. I’m going to teach you how to live in a cabin on the frontier and you’re going to learn.”
That sulky look crossed Sidney’s face.
“No! Stop that right now.”
“Stop what? I didn’t say anything.”
“I can see you being annoyed. I can see you taking offense at my words. Well, too bad. You’re going to let me and Luther and Buff teach you the skills you need to survive a Rocky Mountain winter. And I expect you to cooperate and learn. I think we’ve already proven that you’re not doing all that well making your own decisions. Mining for gold is a waste and you’re going to have to do it in your spare time. Chores come first.”
“What chores?”
He honestly didn’t know.
“Didn’t you notice all the wood that’s been split? Didn’t you notice there’s no breeze in our cabin anymore?” Mandy swallowed hard, but honesty worked both ways. “A man rode in to look at the foal. His stallion sired the little colt. That man, Tom Linscott, said he appreciated that we were taking care of the little guy and in thanks he chopped a winter’s worth of wood.”
At that moment the strike of an ax rang out. Mandy knew without looking that either Luther or Buff had gone to work on the remaining cords of wood. The two of them were unable to stand around idling when there was work to be done.
“What do you say, Sidney? Are you going to be a real husband? A good husband? Or are you going to run off on me, like you did Celeste, and go find someone else to marry?”
Sidney stared at her, his lips curled in discontent. But he didn’t leave and he didn’t sulk. Finally, he said, “Yes, I’ll do what you ask. I’ll try harder to be a good husband. I know nothing of life out here—hunting, building, caring for animals. But I’ll learn. You have my word on that. And right now, my word is worth nothing. But I do love you, Mandy, and I promise you’ll never regret giving me this chance.”
Mandy nodded and let Sidney pull her back into his arms, though she disliked his touch and was tempted to say so. But she didn’t. And well, she realized that not saying so was a kind of lie. But she didn’t tell the truth that pressed to escape her lips.
And then another truth made itself known and remained unspoken.
She already regretted agreeing to stay with her husband.
Thirty – two
Thank you, Lieutenant, for getting him away from me.” Beth turned, wearing a smile she hoped looked genuine.
Ma gave a tiny gasp of surprise, but Ma was quick. She suppressed the noise and simply nodded her head. “Terrible mistake to let that troubled man into the family. I can’t imagine he was much good to the war effort.”
Both of them had been around men all their lives. Beth recognized the lieutenant’s type. Well, she’d just see if she could use the man’s taste for cruelty to her advantage.
Beth turned calmly back to face forward and lowered herself smoothly into her chair, folding her hands as if she was settling in for a tea party. The truth was just the opposite. She’d seen Alex. Knew he was on the brink. He needed her. And she needed him just as much. “It’s true we’re married, sir, but I didn’t know his nature when we were wed.”
The lieutenant’s odd, light-colored eyes focused on her with a hungry look, as if he’d found a new repository for his sadism.
“I’m relieved to finally be free of him.” Beth shuddered. It wasn’t even fake. Lieutenant Deuel’s eyes were enough to make a snake shudder. “Thank you. If you’re going to lock me up, please, I’m begging you, don’t put me anywhere near that awful man.”
The door clanged shut with a metallic bang, Beth locked in with Alex, just as she’d known that sadistic jerk would do. Beth stood pressed against the bars, as far from Alex as she could get, until the soldier left them alone. “Alex, I’m here.” She rushed to his side, dropped down, and wrapped her arms around him.
He was on his knees. It took mere moments for him to respond. “Beth honey?”
The gray pallor of his skin and haunted eyes nearly broke her heart. The more she heard about what he’d endured during the war, the more compassion she had. She knew her own backbone. It was pure iron, and she strengthened it with regular prayer. But his tales of blood and death and exhaustion, in a man so tuned to healing, made her wonder if she wouldn’t have broken, too.
She noted how quickly he responded to her. He’d not been as lost in the past as other times.
“Alex, they’re locking us up together.”
“I was praying.” Alex’s eyes fell shut and he shook his head as if trying to throw away the traces of h
is thoughts. “I think—I think I’d have been okay. It was pressing against me, the nightmares, but I kept praying and kept thinking of you.”
Beth cut off his words by kissing the daylights out of him. She was still kissing him when she heard a throat clear loudly. She lifted her head to see her parents standing in the nearby cell, their arms crossed. Ma’s toe tapped impatiently.
“He okay now?” Pa asked.
“Yes.” Beth looked at Alex and she saw the strength there. He was still connected to her in that strange and wonderful way. But he wasn’t trying to draw on her strength. He had his own.
She stood and helped Alex to his feet. Then the two of them sat on the single cot, and Ma and Pa did the same on their side of the bars.
“Now, you wanted us locked in here with him, isn’t that right?” Ma asked.
Beth managed a smile, though she couldn’t put much of her heart into it. “Yes, I did.”
“How’d you manage that?” Alex asked. “The lieutenant looked like he’d delight in denying any request.”
“I saw that, too. That’s why I told him I was thrilled at the thought of your being locked away from me.” She smiled.
Alex rolled his eyes and wrapped his arms around her. “Great. So now he thinks I’m so awful my wife hates me.”
“Well, admit it, Alex, the man had already decided to stand you up in front of a firing squad at sunrise. His opinion really couldn’t have sunk any lower.”
“So the extent of your plan was just to get us locked up in here?” Pa asked.
Beth shrugged. “I was pretty sure Alex would need me.”
“I thought maybe you’d figured out a way to get us out of this mess.”
Shaking her head, Beth said, “Nope.”
Then Ma stood from the cot and walked over to grab the bars that separated them. Beth had seen that gleam in her ma’s eyes plenty of times before. It was always a good sign.
“Then it’s a good thing I’ve got an idea.” Ma smirked.
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