by Alex Grayson
“If you’re worried that I might have something, please don’t. When he caught up with me a couple months ago I went straight to a local health department in West Virginia and got tested. I was also tested while I was in the hospital. As far as getting pregnant, I can’t.” I say the last with a lump in my throat. That’s just one more thing Steven stole from me.
His fingers stroke down my back when he speaks. “I get tested regularly as well. I haven’t been the most celibate person in the past. I’m always careful and use protection, but nothing is one hundred percent.”
Neither of us speaks for a few minutes.
“Why can’t you have children?” He asks.
I don’t really want to answers but I know I need to give him something. This is the one subject that is the hardest to talk about.
“When Steven pushed me down the stairs there was damage done to my insides that prevent me from getting pregnant.”
Jaxon must sense my reluctance to talk about it because he just squeezes my shoulder and kisses the top of my head in response.
“How did you sleep?” He picks up a lock of my hair and starts twirling it around his finger.
“Really good actually,” I say and start tracing the beautiful blazing sun that’s inked on his stomach causing his abdominal muscles to flex and jump.
“Wanna tell me about the dream Anna woke you up from in your car?” He asks me quietly.
“Not much to tell. I’ve had dreams for a while now. They’re memories of the many times Steven used me. Some are worse than others. They literally make me sick to my stomach at times.” I’m surprised at my admission. It seems easier to talk to Jaxon now that he knows the truth and he hasn’t judged me harshly.
“I’m so sorry those things happened to you. I know it sounds ridiculous because I didn’t know you at the time, but I feel guilty for not saving you from it. It makes me so incredibly angry when I think of that bastard and his friends laying their hands on you. It’s really really hard, Angel, to keep from going after him and killing him.” From the tone of his voice and the tenseness in his body I know he speaks the truth.
I kiss his chest and tell him, “It’s okay, Jaxon. That’s part of the reason why I didn’t tell you until last night. I didn’t want to upset you and cause you to do something irrational.”
We lay there quietly for a few minutes, him playing with my hair and me outlining his tattoos. I see the necklace that he wears out the corner of my eye and my hand moves to that and starts fingering it. The jewel part is turquoise and the shape of a tear drop. It’s very pretty.
It’s peaceful just lying in bed with him. I finally feel somewhat free of my past and I’ll do almost anything to keep it.
Jaxon breaks the silence.
“I had a friend in high school named Kaylee. We met at the playground in fourth grade and became best buds. She had just moved down the street from my house. That first day at the playground marked the first of many days that we played together. We were always with each other, whether at school or at home.”
He stops speaking for a moment and I watch him lift a piece of my hair and bring it to his nose where he takes a whiff. When he releases my hair, he moves his hand to the necklace that I’m still playing with.
“She gave this to me for my thirteenth birthday.” His eyes are distant, like his body may be here but his mind is somewhere else. I lay there quietly waiting for him to continue.
“It was just her and her dad. We hardly ever went to her house, opting to come to mine instead. I used to always pick on her saying it was because she liked my mom’s cooking more.” He chuckles at the memory. “It wasn’t until a year later that I realized it was because she didn’t like being around her dad.
“One day she didn’t come to school. After I got home, I walked to her house to go check on her. Her dad wasn’t home. When she opened the door, I knew immediately something was wrong. She had a split lip and a bruise on her cheek. I could also see bruises on both of her wrists.” I inhale sharply, knowing where this is going.
Jaxon stops talking again and closes his eyes. Another few minutes pass before he continues in a whisper.
“She begged me, got on her knees and begged me not to say anything. She said that it would only make it worse. I was so scared for her that I kept my mouth shut.”
I squeeze my arm around him in a show of comfort, but I don’t think he notices. He’s in his own world of hell right now in the form of his memories. I ache for him.
“Kaylee explained to me that it normally wasn’t that bad. He got drunk the night before and was careless. She said that usually he doesn’t leave marks where people can see them. A fucking ten year old little girl was explaining to a ten year old little boy how her daddy usually is more cautious of where he leaves marks on her body. And it wasn’t just the punching or kicking, it was the sexual abuse as well. We were both supposed to be too young to even know what sex was, much less what it means.” Jaxon hisses out the last. My body convulses at his words. Jaxon notices and starts running his hand up and down my back.
“Just a few more minutes, Angel. I know it’s hard to hear, but I need you to know why I reacted the way I did in my office. Can you hold on for a few more minutes?”
I take a deep breath and nod my head. I can do this for Jaxon. It may break my heart in the process, but I’ll learn to be strong for him.
“The abuse didn’t happen all the time but I always knew when it did. She would be at my house more. She was always quiet. We would sneak up to my room and crawl into my bed. I would lay behind her while she told me what happened. Even as a child I would lie there the whole time she talked and would silently wish that I could kill the sick son of a bitch.
“This went on for years, all the way up to high school. We would argue all the time about it. I wanted to tell someone, but Kaylee was terrified that no one would believe her, forcing her to live in the same house as him after we told, which would only cause more pain for her. Once we were older I confronted Kaylee’s dad a couple times behind her back. He got worried that I would go to my mom and swore he would stop. It would for a bit but then would start again. I was stuck because I promised Kaylee I wouldn’t say anything but it was slowly killing me inside each time she would come to my house with that sad look on her face.” Jaxon stops talking for a moment. The tone of his voice has deepened and I know that what he’s fixing to reveal is going to be terrible.
“In tenth grade Kaylee started going into a deep depression. We would still hang out all the time and she would still come to my house when it got bad at home but she wasn’t the same. She would stare off into space a lot and zone out. She always wanted to stay in and never go out. I also noticed that she started losing weight. I knew something else was going on but no matter how many times I asked she would brush me off.
“When she didn’t show for school one day I skipped third period and went to her house to check on her. I had a gut feeling that something was wrong. When I pulled up there were cops cars all around and an ambulance. I fought with some of the cops trying to get inside. I watched as they brought her dad out in handcuffs. He had his head bent and was crying. I found out later at the hospital that she was 2 months pregnant. That twisted fuck got her pregnant and then beat her so badly that she had a miscarriage. From what the cops could gather she must have realized she was having a miscarriage and it sent her over the edge. She slit her wrist in the bathtub. She wrote me a letter confirming what the cops told me. She told me that she couldn’t do it anymore. She said that she was sorry that she wasn’t strong enough. Kaylee wrote me a letter saying she wasn’t strong enough. It was me that wasn’t strong enough. I was the one that let her down. I was the one that wasn’t there for her when she needed me the most.”
Tears are streaming down my face soaking Jaxon’s chest by the time he finishes. The anguish in his voice only adds to my misery. What Jaxon must have gone through feeling so helpless. What Kaylee, still a child, went through feeling like she
had no choice but to end her life. Even though I never met her, I feel a connection with her through our mutual forms of abuse. We’ve both been through more than most people can imagine. The only difference is that I choose to hang on one more time in an attempt to escape it. Whereas Kaylee chose a direct path to ending her agony.
There’s one thing that I know and that’s that Jaxon blames himself for what happened to Kaylee when he shouldn’t. The guilt that he’s carried with him all these years is heartbreaking.
Forcing myself to be strong for Jaxon, I sit up and wipe my tears away. Turning to face him, I place my hands on his chest and get right in his face. I want him to hear loud and clearly what I have to say.
“Jaxon, it wasn’t your fault. He was a sick and depraved man that enjoyed causing pain to Kaylee. She was a troubled young girl. She made you promise not to say anything. What do you think she would have done if you had told? She would have turned away from you and there’s no telling what would have happened to her then.” I lean over to bring my hand up to his jaw and rub my finger over his scruffy cheek. “It was you that kept her alive for the years that she was. It was through your friendship with her that she had a piece of normal.”
Jaxon closes his eyes, but I still see the grief written all over his face. “But if I had said something she still may be here. I didn’t do anything to stop it.” He whispers in a tortured voice.
“Look at me, Jaxon.” When he has his eyes focused on me, I continue. “You don’t know that. You don’t know what that type of abuse does to a person in the long run. It was already so far inside her, embedded in her that even if it stopped doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t have done something to stop the memories. She wouldn’t want you to suffer like this. She wouldn’t want you to blame yourself. All you ever gave her was good. You were the positive in her life. You’ve got to let go and know that she’s in a better place looking down on you.”
Jaxon sits up and wraps his arms around me. Burying his face in my hair I hear him murmur, “I don’t know if I can.”
Running my hands up and down his naked back in an effect to comfort him, I say to him quietly, “Maybe we can heal each other.”
Sitting outside with Jaxon on his back deck is one of the most relaxing feelings I’ve ever felt. We’re both reclining back in lawn chairs with our feet propped up on the railing sipping coffee. Our chairs are close and we’re sharing a blanket because there’s a chill in the air. My right hand and his left hand are interlocked beneath the covers. It’s so peaceful and quiet out here. We’re both silent, just enjoying the beautiful view of the trees lightly swaying in the wind that surrounds a vast lake. I’ve already seen a couple deer and a lone red fox pass by. Jaxon chuckled at my excitement of seeing the wild creatures moseying by.
Our tranquility is interrupted by a loud bang coming from inside the house, then a blur of bright yellow rushing out onto the deck. The yellow blur is Anna rushing towards us. She stops just before colliding into our chairs.
“Oh my God, Bailey! Are you okay? Nick told me this morning what happened last night. Well, he wouldn’t tell me everything but he told me that you blacked out. Are you okay? What happened? Is there anything I can do?” She says this all in a rush, hardly pausing between sentences.
“Shit Anna, give her a minute would ya?” Nick says as he leisurely strolls out onto the deck behind the hurricane that is his girlfriend.
She shoots daggers at him and points to his chest. “Not another word from you. I’m still pissed that you waited until this morning to tell me.”
“Aww...come on baby.” Nick playfully whines. “I was only trying to give her and Jaxon some time before you came barreling over here to demand what happened.”
That was most definitely not the right thing to say. Anna gets right up in Nick’s face and pokes his chest so hard it wouldn’t surprise me if he has a bruise later. I’ve never seen her this worked up before. Anna is a force to be reckoned with when riled. “Nickolas Reed, I know you did not just say that to me. Bailey is my best friend and she could have needed me. You had no right keeping that from me.”
Trying to defuse the tension that’s radiating off Anna I grab her hand to get her attention. It was very thoughtful of Nick wanting to give Jaxon and me time. I hate seeing Anna mad at him because of me, especially when he’s leaving tomorrow.
“Anna, sweetie, I’m fine okay? Nick is right. I needed time to think. Please don’t be mad at him. If you’ll give me a few minutes, we’ll sit down to talk and I’ll tell you everything.”
Anna surprises me by bending down and kissing my cheek. “Okay, Bailey. It just hurts me thinking you may have needed me and I wasn’t there.”
I pat her hand and give it a squeeze. She releases my hand and I watch her walk over to Nick. Once there, she winds her arms around his neck to bring his head down for a kiss. I can barely here a murmured, “I’m sorry” before their lips are sealed.
I turn my head back to Jaxon and find an affectionate expression on his face as he watches me.
“What?”
He shakes his head and smiles tenderly at me. “Thank you for reassuring her. She’s always been the mother hen of the three of us. Always feeling like she has to be there for everyone.”
“Except for Chris, I’ve never had people care about me before. It’s a strange feeling and it’ll take some getting used to. But Anna’s very special. She has such a kind and sensitive heart. I couldn’t let her think that I wasn’t okay.”
He reaches over and grabs the back of my head to pull it closer to his. He lands a soft kiss on my lips before pulling back and saying, “You do have people that care about you. Me, my family, and a lot of other people in this town. Never doubt that, Angel.”
Jaxon brings his legs down from the railing and stands up. Grabbing my hand, he helps me stand as well. “I’m going to ask Nick if he’ll stay here while I take care of a few things in town. I don’t want to leave you both here by yourselves. Is there anything that you need from your apartment?”
“No, I think I have everything I need for a few days.”
“Okay.” After giving me another brief kiss, he goes over to speak to Nick. Ten minutes later Jaxon is gone and I’m still out on the deck with Anna. Nick decided to get in a workout session on Jaxon’s equipment in the basement to give us time to talk.
I turn to Anna and start telling her about my childhood and then about Steven. At some points Anna cries while during other times she seems extremely mad on my behalf. She interrupts me a few times to ask questions and I answer as honestly as I can. Once I’m finished rehashing everything that’s happened to me, including the phone calls and me seeing Steven in the bar last night, she leans over and gathers me in her arms.
“I’m so so sorry, Bailey. I knew that something happened to you, but I had no idea it was that horrible. Why didn’t you tell us sooner?”
“I couldn’t. It was my problem and I was trying to deal with it on my own. Well, more like run from it. I was so worried, and still am, that if Jaxon gets involved he’ll get hurt. You have no idea what Steven is capable of.”
“Oh Bailey, you have to learn to let people in. You need to realize you don’t have to do this alone anymore.” She gazes at me with soft eyes, which causes my throat to close up with emotion.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“I don’t know yet. Jaxon’s pretty much forbidden me to leave.” I give off a slight chuckle. “He says he can help me. I don’t know how he can but, I trust him.”
“Maybe Steven will lose interest and go home?” Anna suggests hopefully.
I laugh harshly at Anna’s words. There’s no way Steven will just leave. He’s not the type to give up easily. When he wants something he feels he’s entitled to, he stops at nothing to get it. To him I’m his property.
“I can almost guarantee that won’t happen. I just don’t know what his next move will be. Jaxon wants me to stay here, and as you’ve seen with him asking Nick to stay here while he goes to t
own, he doesn’t want me left alone. I don’t know what to do or expect. I hate it. I hate knowing there’s a chance Jaxon or anyone, might get hurt because of me.”
“You can’t think about it like that, Bailey. You don’t know if anyone will get hurt. You don’t know if Steven will do anything harsh. Besides, Jaxon’s plenty capable of taking care of himself. Just take it one day at a time and see what happens.”
I know she’s right. There’s nothing I can do right now. There are too many scenarios to consider. I still can’t help but feel dread deep down. I have this feeling that something awful is about to happen, I just don’t know what. Steven is unpredictable and there’s no telling what he’ll do. I just have to keep praying that everyone stays safe in the process. Even if I have to sacrifice myself to make sure they do stay safe. It’s not something I want to do, but something I’m more than willing to do. I’ll do anything to keep harm away from the people I care about.
All of a sudden Anna squeals and grabs my arm shaking it. “Oh my God! I almost forgot to tell you.” Her voice started out loud but then lowers. “Grams hired a new girl a couple days ago. She has waitressing experience so she should catch on pretty quickly. As you know Nick leaves again tomorrow. In a few days, if the new girl works out and feels confident to work on her own I’m going to take a few days off and go stay with Nick on one of his jobs.”
I reach over and give her a quick hug. When I pull back Anna has an enormous grin on her face.
“I’m so happy for you, Anna!”
“Nick doesn’t know it yet so let’s keep it between us. I plan on surprising him.” I see the pure excitement and joy on her face and I can’t help but be excited for her. Nick will definitely be surprised and very very happy. I know that it eats at him that he has to leave her so much.
Nick walks out a few minutes later looking very sweaty and hot. He’s wearing a pair of black basketball shorts and a dark gray tank top. Muscles are bulging from his arms, which are littered with multiple tattoos, including the spider web on his hand that I noticed the first time I saw him. With his tank top plastered to his stomach I can see the ripples from his washboard abs. He really is a very good looking man.