by Alex Grayson
I nod my head in relief. That part of my life is over with. Steven has no more power.
After a few minutes, Chris kisses my forehead and gets up off the bed. She says she’s going to the cafeteria for some much needed caffeine. It’s just Jaxon and I in the room now. An awkward silence fills the space and I can’t find the courage to look his way. I know it’s irrational and Jaxon isn’t the type of person to blame someone for someone else’s actions, but I can’t help but wonder if deep down inside he holds me responsible for Anna’s death. I certainly wouldn’t blame him.
“Look at me, Angel.” He says softly. As much as I don’t want to I know I need to face him. I take a deep breath and turn my head his way.
“Whatever you’re thinking right now, stop it.” He takes a step towards me until his hips are against the bed. Taking my hand in his he brings it to his lips.
“I’m so sorry about Anna. If I hadn’t...” I trail off at the fierce look he gives me.
“I said stop. Don’t even think it.” He rumbles.
“But Jaxon, if it wasn’t for me...” He cuts me off again by placing his finger against my lips.
“Bailey,” he says in his deep voice, eyes locked on mine keeping me captive in their swirl of colors. “Do you honestly think that I or anyone else, blames you for what that sick bastard did? You loved Anna just as much as any of us. I saw you, Angel.” He stops for a minute and takes a deep breath before continuing, voice now hoarse. “I saw how you, even with Steven doing what he was doing to you, tried huddling up to Anna. I saw you trying to give her comfort even though you were going through hell as well. I know you would have done anything to keep her from that. Hell woman, you went there thinking he was going to let her go, putting your own self at risk. That took courage and I love you all the more for it, even though you scared the shit out of me when I went home and you weren’t there.”
I take his hand and lace our fingers together, tears once again forming in my eyes. His words warming my heart and penetrating some of the guilt that I feel. I really did try to bring some comfort to her and I hope I did. I never had any during my childhood and my time with Steven, even though I prayed so hard for it. I know that my guilt will never go away. I’ll always blame myself, but hopefully, over time it’ll get easier.
That morning when Jaxon and Chris take me back to Jaxon’s place we’re met by his family. As soon as Lilly sees my face and all the damage she immediately takes me into her arms and bursts into tears. We both stand there holding on to each other and cry out our grief.
Pulling away from her I look directly into her watery eyes. “I am so sorry, Lilly.”
She cups my face and wipes away the tears that are still traveling down my face. “Don’t you dare blame yourself for what happened to my baby. No one else does. You didn’t do this, hunny.” I nod my head and squeeze her to me again.
Jaxon’s gram steps up next with her eyes swollen from crying and engulfs me in a tight hug. She murmurs in my ear, “I’m so glad you’re safe. Jaxon told us what you did for Anna. Thank you for giving our girl comfort when she needed it.”
A few minutes later I excuse myself to the bathroom. I close the door behind me and close my eyes. Taking a deep breath and keeping my head down I take a tentative step towards the mirror hanging above the sink. I’m ashamed to admit that I haven’t had the courage to look in the mirror yet. In light of what happened to Anna, my injuries seem so insignificant.
Once I’m in front of the sink I slowly lift my head and suck in a sharp breath. Both of my eyes are swollen with purple and blue bruises surrounding them. My nose is swollen as well and a little off center. There’s a cut across the bridge. I have a bandage above one of my eyes and I know there are three small stitches there. My hand has a thick bandage around it where Steven’s shoe ripped the skin. Underneath my clothes, there are also a few bruises on my back, thighs, hips, and ribs. Overall, my body has sustained worse, but the pain of these injuries are so much more because of the events leading up to them.
I wet a washcloth and tenderly wash my face and brush my teeth. Once I’m done, I gather my courage to walk back out to Jaxon, Chris, and Jaxon’s family. When I open the door, I see Chris sitting on Jaxon’s bed waiting for me.
I walk over to her and sit beside her. She grabs my uninjured hand and places both of ours on her lap.
“How are you doing?” She asks me quietly.
I shrug my shoulders and tell her the truth. “Physically I’ve felt worse, but mentally I can’t help but feel this is my entire fault. I know Jaxon doesn’t blame me, but if I hadn’t come here, Anna would still be alive.”
“That may be true, but do you honestly think that Jaxon would wish you away so Anna would still be here? It’s a shame what happened to her. She sounded like a very special girl, but you have to remember you’re special too. You’re loved just as much as her. Steven was a sick bastard. If it weren’t her, it would have been someone else. Jaxon loves you, don’t let this guilt eat away at you. You’ve been through enough. It’s time for you to be happy.”
She reaches over and pulls me closer to her side by my shoulder. I lay my head there and take in her words. I don’t say anything in return. I know what she says is true, I just need to learn to accept it.
“I really like him.” She says breaking the silence. “He’s the kind of man you should have had all along.”
“I love him, Chris. So much.”
Several minutes pass by before we both quietly get up and make our way to a solemn living room. From where I’m standing I can see Lilly, Tricia, and Gram in the kitchen drinking coffee. Hunter is occupying the kids in the back yard. Mia is sitting in a recliner staring off into space. Jaxon is seated on his couch. When he sees me, he holds out his arm gesturing for me to sit with him. I walk over and plant my butt next to him. He throws his arm over my shoulder, pulling me to his side. I lay there with my head on his chest and watch the kids laughing and playing until my eyes drift close.
It’s been a month since Anna died and the pain of it is still there but not quite as debilitating. Nothing will ever be the same without her, but we’re all learning to cope and move forward. I’ve started counseling to help with my past experiences and surprisingly it’s a relief to talk to someone about it.
I still work at Jaxon’s Pub and through my counseling I’ve learned how to better handle myself. The thought of men flirting me no longer frightens me. Of course, they never get the chance because Jaxon hovers over me and threatens anyone who even thinks about me that way.
Andrew is still his flirty self and is constantly giving Jaxon hell. I love working with him as he always has something to say to make me laugh or smile. Mia has grown quieter and the animosity between her and Mac has grown. They can’t be in the same room together without biting each other’s heads off.
Nick finally started coming around again, but he’s not the same happy-go-lucky Nick he was before. His face carries a constant scowl and he’s easily riled. Every time I see him there’s pain in his eyes and it breaks my heart all over again. I wish there were something I could do, but I know he just needs time.
After I got home from the hospital, Chris stayed until after the funeral. She decided that she really likes it up here in Ohio and wants to move here to be closer to me once she graduates. I’m really looking forward to it. I miss my best friend.
“I love you, Angel,” Jaxon whispers in my ear as he slowly thrusts into me. I have my arms wrapped around his neck and my legs around his hips. Jaxon has his arms under my shoulders so I’m lying on them. Our chests are smashed together. We’re as close as two people can get.
Jaxon nibbles and sucks a path from my ear to my collarbone. I throw my head back and I release a deep moan. Jaxon always knows just what to do to bring my body to life.
He removes one arm and puts it under one of my legs. This new position lifts me higher and allows him to go deeper. Each downward motion he hits my clit, which sends tingles over every inch of my body
.
“Oh Jaxon, yes!” I breathe out on a moan.
Jaxon growls in response. “Fuck, Angel. You feel so good. So Goddamn tight.”
I love it when he talks dirty to me. His words aren’t meant to insult but meant to tell me how much he enjoys what he’s feeling.
Jaxon moves his hips faster, enticing another moan from me. I grip his hair and bring his lips to mine. We devour each other’s mouth, tangling tongues, and nipping lips. The tingles in my body are turning into sparks.
Bringing his other hand down and placing it under my butt, he lifts me even further and grinds himself down on me. The sensations to my clit are too much for me to bear and with my head thrown back with a shout I explode around him. With his head buried in my neck Jaxon lets out a grunt when he reaches his own climax.
Several minutes later has me running my hands over Jaxon’s hard chest while he plays with my hair. Our breathing has evened out and we’re relaxing in bed, just enjoying the silence.
“Marry me, Angel,” Jaxon says breaking the silence and leaving me speechless.
I am so stunned at his suggestion that it takes me a few seconds before I can respond.
“But we hardly know each other,” I tell him something he already knows. The thought of marrying Jaxon is both thrilling and frightening. I know that he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I don’t want him to regret it later. “And you know I can’t give you babies.” This thought saddens me. Jaxon would make such an excellent father.
He rolls to his side and cups my jaw. “I know everything I need to know, I want you forever. Everything else can come later. I want to wake up with you every morning and fall asleep with you in my arms every night. I want to sit out on our porch and watch the wildlife walk by. I want to take you on rides on my bike and make love to you by the lake. I want to share life’s troubles with you and make good memories. No other woman will do. You’re my Angel. As far as babies, who says we can’t adopt? And if that’s not something you want to do then that’s fine too. I need you. If a baby comes along I’ll love it just as strongly as I love you, but I don’t need a baby to feel complete. I need you for that.”
God, I love this man so much. He is everything I’ve ever dreamed of having in a man. He’s passionate, loving, caring, gentle, and so many more words that would take me forever to name. In essence, he’s absolutely perfect. I drove into this town a scared and broken woman. I now lay in this bed with the man of my dreams, a woman that no longer cringes when someone approaches me. I no longer cower when I come in contact with a man. Jaxon brings out the best in me and has shown me that I don’t have to be afraid all the time. No woman in their right mind would say no to him. And for the first time in a long time I’m in my right mind.
I glide my fingers up his chest and around his neck. Tugging on his hair, I pull his face closer to mine until our lips are almost touching. It’s there that I whisper, “Yes, I’ll marry you.”
A huge smile appears on his face right before his lips devour mine.
Epilogue
One year later
“That’s it, Angel. I’m taking you to the doctor. No flu is going to have you throwing up for two weeks straight.” Jaxon says while holding my hair for what seems like the hundredth time.
I rest my head on my arm that’s lying on the toilet and take deep breaths. I am so sick of being sick. For the past two weeks all it seems I do it eat, throw it back up, and sleep. I’m exhausted and I’ve lost a lot of weight. I know Jaxon is right and I need to find out what’s wrong.
I lift my head and see Jaxon holding a glass of water out for me. I stand on shaky legs and gratefully take the glass from him. My first sip gets swirled in my mouth and then spit out into the sink. I chug the rest of it like I haven’t had anything to drink in days. I next brush my teeth because not to would be gross.
I turn to face Jaxon and lean against the counter. He steps up to me and places both of his hands on the counter on either side of my waist. His expression is worried. He’s noticed the weight that I’ve lost.
I bring my head forward until my forehead lands on his chest.
“Okay, Jaxon. Make an appointment.” I tell him and hope whatever I have isn’t too serious.
I sit and stare at the doctor and wonder if I heard him correctly. There’s no way what he’s saying is right. It just can’t be. It’s not possible. It’s got to be a horrible joke. However, if I find out that it is a mistake I don’t know if I’ll recover.
Jaxon’s at my side and I feel him squeeze my hand. I turn to look at him and see his lips forming a breathtaking smile. His eyes are twinkling and they look very happy.
I turn back to the doctor and finally find my voice.
“How is that possible? I’ve had doctors tell me that I can’t get pregnant anymore because of the damage done to my body.” Please let it be true. Please let me be carrying Jaxon’s baby.
“I’m not exactly sure, Bailey. The scarring and damage done to your fallopian tubes should have prevented any sperm from reaching your eggs. Obviously Jaxon has some very determined little swimmers and a miracle has occurred.” He has his own grin in place and then throws us both a wink. “Congratulations!”
“Angel,” Jaxon calls me softly.
I turn my head back to him. “I’m pregnant, Jaxon,” I whisper to him like he doesn’t already know. It feels so weird to say.
I place my hand on my stomach and look down at it. There’s a baby in there. Mine and Jaxon’s baby. The thought brings a smile to my face and I close my eyes. When I open them again, I can feel moisture on my cheeks.
I look back at Jaxon with my big, bright smile and tell him more loudly, “I’m pregnant!”
“I know, baby. Come here.” He gets up from his chair. I stand and immediately fall into his arms. He twirls me around and I giggle loudly. With our arms wrapped around each other, I lovingly look up at him.
“You happy?” He asks me one of the most ridiculous questions.
I reach up on my tiptoes and kiss his lips lightly. Pulling back, I tell him with complete and utter honesty, “So much more than I ever imagined I could be.”
Jaxon
Four years later
Standing on our deck, I watch as Bailey chases Amari around the yard. Her short three-year-old legs no match for Bailey. Of course, Bailey doesn’t catch her right away but jogs slowly with her arms outstretched, letting Amari run and scream and think she’s outrunning her mother.
I laugh when Bailey catches her and scoops her up into her arms. Amari squeals and squirms when Bailey starts blowing raspberries on her neck.
Bailey notices me first and graces me with her stunning smile. She whispers something in Amari’s ear and puts her down. My beautiful three-year-old runs toward the deck I’m standing on and I meet her at the bottom of the stairs when she reaches them. I pick her up and throw her into the air, which causes her little girl giggle. I really love that sound.
“Hey beautiful girl,” I say as I look into her two-toned eyes. Eyes like mine. Eyes that Bailey has told me on numerous occasions can cause her to get lost in them.
“Hi, daddy.” Amari responses right before she smacks me with a kiss on the cheek.
“Are you having fun with mommy?”
“Yes, we played Barbies and had a tea party and colored and made cookies!” Her excitement at today’s activities is amazing to see. There’s nothing you can do but smile at her.
Bailey walks up to us and I pull her to my side with my arm that’s not holding Amari. Bending down I place a soft kiss on her lips.
“Hey, Angel. I’ve heard you’ve been busy today.”
She laughs at that and tickles Amari on her side bringing out another round of giggles.
“Yes, we have. She’s kept me on my toes all day.” There’s affection in her voice and I know she wouldn’t have it any other way. My Angel will do anything for Amari. She spoils her rotten, but I can’t really complain because I do the same thing.
Her name, Amari, means miracle and I know that’s just what she is. She’s our miracle sent down to us from God. We both like to think that Anna, which happens to be Amari’s middle name, also had something to do with it.
“Dinner’s ready. Are you hungry?” Bailey asks.
“Starving,” I tell her.
“Alright, come on munchkin. Let’s go get cleaned up for dinner.” Giving me another quick peck Bailey holds her arms out for Amari to climb into. As I turn to follow I watch the two most important people in my life. I often ask myself how I got so lucky, but I never find the answer. For whatever reason someone deemed me worthy enough and lead Bailey to my little town and I’ll cherish and love them with every piece of my heart and soul until the end of time.
When I walk through the sliding glass door, I close and lock it behind me. I make my way towards our bathroom and hear more laughter coming from within. I smile to myself and send my daily thanks to whoever sent me my beautiful Angel and Miracle.
Acknowledgements
First and foremost, I’d like the thank God, who gave me the courage and the ability to write and share Jaxon and Bailey’s story.
I next have to thank my husband and daughter, whom I have neglected during this whole process. Thank you both so very much for all the support you’ve both given me and understanding how much this endeavor means to me. I am so sorry for all the times I’ve come home from work and went straight to writing. I know it’s been frustrating and irksome at times and you’ve both wanted to strangle me and say “pay attention to me!” I love you both and promise to smother y’all with attention so much that you’ll be sick of me! I love y’all!
Thank you Mama. Even though you passed before you knew I was writing Shatter Me, or even knew I wanted to write, I know that you would be proud of me. I also know that you’re watching down on me with a smile on your face. I will always love you and I miss you every day.