by Randi Kreger
Low Self-Esteem
Barbara Cowan Berg, author of How to Escape the No-Win Trap, says that low self-esteem is a big reason why people feel stuck. The key to getting unstuck, she says, is knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that we have a right to be heard and to get our needs met, too. Without self-esteem, she argues, life is only one double bind after another. The longer we have been the target of emotional abuse, the more likely it is that we need professional help.13
Self-esteem is what gives us that strength to keep our head about us when others are losing theirs and blaming it on us. Some non-BPs, such as parents, have normal to high self-esteem. It plummets, however, when they can’t “fix” their child. Like guilt, low self-esteem can cause parents to feel less competent and lose faith in their parenting abilities. When children sense that their parents lack confidence in themselves, it becomes easier to act out to get their own needs met. Parents become even less self-assured, and the cycle continues.
Many partners already have low self-esteem by the time they meet their borderline mate. If the BP is emotionally abusive, the partner’s self-esteem falls even lower. Feeling insignificant, they let their limits slide and their BP’s behavior becomes worse. As before, the cycle continues.
A combination of invalidation, inconsistency, and unpredictability fills adult children of BPs with shame and feelings of inferiority that can haunt them for life. These feelings, ironically, keep them emotionally tied to their abusive parent, still searching for that ever-elusive approval.
You may know on an intellectual level that your family member’s attacks on your character are unjust. But on an emotional level (which is stronger), you may believe you deserve the treatment you’re getting. Criticism is a corrosive acid that eats away feelings of self-worth and fractures the bonds that keep people together.
People with low self-esteem often try to relieve their shame by being good. “Goodness” comes from sacrificing themselves and what they want out of life to make up for their perceived inadequacies. It may mean making excuses for abusive behavior, ignoring advice from people who care, and being blind to actions they could take to improve their lives. Being perfect relieves shame—but only temporarily. The BP gets used to it and requires higher doses. Both BP and non-BP get hooked. These insidiously toxic behaviors can be reinforced by others, especially if the result is fewer demands on them.
Your BP is right about one thing for sure: you are imperfect—just like the rest of humankind. All human beings have the delicious and inalienable right to be imperfect. Not only that, you get the right to want and need things for yourself, too. Compromises are supposed to be mutual.
Keep reminding yourself that while your family member may be smart, intuitive, and an expert about many things, he is not an objective authority on your character. The disorder creates a powerful need in its victims to maintain a facade of flawlessness. This requires projecting everything “bad” onto other people—especially those nearest and dearest.
Starting today, it’s time to trust your inner voice. No one but you has the power to define you. As you start to become more confident and trust your own judgment, you will stop giving other people control of how you feel and what you do. Trusting yourself enables you to set limits that work because you finally, truly, believe you have a right to set them.
The Need to Rescue
Phil says he should have known better than to hook up with Jon. “Everybody in my circle told me not to—including his ex-boyfriend Kelsey,” says Phil. “Kelsey told me a lot of horror stories. Looking back, the indisputable red flags were there. But I was positive I was going to be the one guy in his godforsaken life who didn’t let him down.
“I stopped going out with my friends on Friday night because he was jealous. I told him it was okay to call me eight times a day at work so I could assure him I still loved him. I stayed with him even after I caught him lying to me again and again. I did make him feel better—for a little while. Eventually he reverted back into his misery, and took me right along with him.”
Hugh and Emma Simpson, like most parents, are desperate to see their borderline son, Tom, succeed. When it looks as though he’s getting himself together, they give him money to help him get on his feet again. His credit card bills are out of sight because every penny is going toward his new car and credit card bills—they told him not to buy the big-screen TV, but he did anyway. So when he yells at his boss and loses his job and begs for money again, what are they supposed to do?
Like Phil and the Simpsons, rescuers start out with the best of intentions. They love their family member and want to help. So they “help,” often by doing things they don’t want to do or by giving up things they don’t want to give up. When things don’t improve (or get even worse), they “help” some more—even though they resent it and think it’s unfair.
Rescuers are ruled by their emotions, especially guilt, worry, fear, and, most of all, helplessness. Rarely do they take stock of their methods, see that their efforts aren’t working, and try something else.
Why Rescuing Doesn’t Work
Rescuers protect people from the consequences of their own behavior, thereby enabling/encouraging them to act irresponsibly. For example, Phil’s boyfriend Jon experienced no consequences for lying. So he kept doing it. The Simpsons keep paying for their son’s spending sprees. So he buys whatever he wants.
Rescuers do things for people they could do for themselves, thereby enabling/encouraging their dependence. Phil rescued Jon from having to deal with his feelings of jealousy and the need to make his own set of friends to hang out with on Friday nights. Tom could learn ways to manage his anger but has no incentive to do so. It doesn’t matter that he can’t keep a job, because his parents will pay his bills.
The Portrait of a Rescuer
A rescuer is usually a compassionate, kind person who wants to alleviate the suffering of others. The person with BPD idolizes and adores the object of his affection, who can’t help but enjoy the special attention and the feeling that she, and she alone, can make the other person feel loved.
Rescuers can be male or female, and they may share similar characteristics. They
• gain self-worth from being needed and making sacrifices.
• overfocus on the problems of others, often trying to fix the problems.
• place a great deal of value on being “good” and define themselves by what others think of them. They constantly seek approval.
• have a low sense of self-worth. They feel insecure and doubt their ideas and needs.
• strive to meet others’ expectations of them without questioning whether the expectations are reasonable.
• take too much responsibility for the feelings of others.
• will do anything to keep the peace and avoid conflict, including taking the blame for things that are not their fault.
• quickly dive into relationships based on intuition rather than real shared interests, values, or goals.
• believe they can make relationships happen by force of will; believe they can make others love them through sheer tenacity.
Sometimes rescuers act the way they do because they need to be needed; it provides them with an identity and self-esteem. They may feel lost on their own. These “saviors” are repeatedly drawn to people with massive problems that only the savior can solve.
The Effects of Rescuing on the Non-BP
Rescuers unknowingly relinquish control of their lives to their borderline family member, whose impaired thoughts, feelings, and actions now determine their own. The consequences of doing this are pervasive and severe. According to psychologist James J. Messina, rescuers
• feel manipulated, intimidated, powerless, irritated, angry, and frustrated. They give everything they have, but it’s never good enough. They try to please and end up criticized and humiliated. Bliss turns into despair.
• waver back and forth about their situation because their ability to make good decisions has been diminis
hed.
• have slowed personal growth because all their attention is focused on others.
• have lower self-esteem and may be driven by feelings of fear, guilt, and emotional dependence.14
The Effect of Rescuing on the Person with BPD
• BPs who don’t learn that behaviors have corresponding consequences may be hobbled in many areas of life. They may not realize that their positive actions can lead to good feelings, too, such as feelings of accomplishment and pride.
• BPs may become more dependent on others for a variety of things, from financial support to emotional regulation. There is no way of knowing what they might have done on their own.
• Enabling behaviors can reinforce borderline traits such as impulsiveness and intolerance to distress.
• People who are dependent on others resent them for it. This resentment adds to the problems in the relationship.
• When non-BPs suddenly become angry because they don’t feel appreciated, BPs get mixed messages and think the non-BP family member is being unfair (which is understandable). This can spark another series of arguments.
The Effect on the Relationship
Relationships become enmeshed when each person needs the other one to feel whole. In his song “Codependent With You,” John Forster describes enmeshment with the lines “You hold your breath, dear, and I turn blue . . . when I die the life that flashes before me will be yours.”15
Angelyn Miller, who wrote about enmeshed relationships in her book The Enabler, says, “Over the years, the dependent and the enabler have cultivated a very deeply rooted way of relating to each other and other people. Any change in this pattern threatens the very idea of who they are, whether the change is forced by circumstance or initiated to achieve health.”16
In other words, both people become stuck.
Getting Unstuck
Albert Einstein once said you can’t solve a problem with the same level of thinking that created the problem. In other words, you may be able to find solutions to feeling afraid, guilty, obligated, controlling, and bad about yourself—all of which contribute to feeling stuck—if you approach them in a different way.
Become More Authentic
Becoming authentic is another way to get unstuck. The authentic self has nothing to do with your job, family role, or function in society. It’s what makes you unique: your genetic ancestry comingled with your distinctive skills, beliefs, experiences, and opinions. It’s everything that makes you you.
You can determine how authentic you are by examining your core beliefs and attitudes and asking yourself questions like these:
• Are these beliefs verifiably true?
• Do these beliefs serve my best interest? Do they make me happy, healthy, and safe?
• Do these beliefs get me more of what I want and deserve, or less of it?
During the day, pay attention to how you feel and react to things. Listen to the thoughts floating in your head and the feelings they bring on without censoring them. It’s essential that you not judge these thoughts and feelings. Just listen to them. Listen to what your body is telling you, too. How does it feel when you think or do certain things?
Look at your life the way it is right now. Are you living in accordance with your values or at odds with them? What are you passionate about, and what role does that play in your life? Do you know, in vivid detail, who is the real you, or do you live a compromised existence? Where will you end up if things keep going in the same direction?
Own Your Choices
Non-BPs in similar situations make wildly different decisions about living situations, amount of contact, types of limits, and so forth. For example, some adult children see their borderline parent often. Others will only talk on the phone. Some have no contact with their parent at all. Then there’s everything in between, such as seeing the parent under some circumstances, but not others.
Recognize that you decide how to respond to the people, actions, and events in your life. You have choices—not necessarily fun ones, but choices nonetheless—choices that could lead to better times. Banish phrases like “He made me . . .” or “She forced me to . . .” from your vocabulary unless they refer to a legal document. Rather than say, “I have to,” say, “Right now, I choose to.” Then, open yourself up to new ideas.
Learn from the Past
If your current methods aren’t working or are making things worse, and you’ve given them a fair test, cease and desist—even if you’ve been using these techniques for a long time. We hate to acknowledge that something’s not working when we’ve invested a lot of time and energy into it. But the alternative—sticking with what you know doesn’t work—is worse.
Also, look back on past relationships. Are these feelings familiar? Have you ever been in a situation like this before? Rescuers usually have a history of one-sided relationships, where they do all the giving and the other person does all the taking. They may not know what a healthy romantic relationship looks like because they’ve never had one.
Help Others without Rescuing
Allow people to be who they really are instead of who you want them to be. Provide assistance in ways that encourage—not discourage—responsibility and independence.
Author Elizabeth B. Brown says that healthy help comes from the heart, not as a maneuver to gain, but as a gift. She says:
It’s tough to stand by and watch when you know the negative consequences of a decision, but sometimes there is no other option. Criticism turns off hearing. Threats fall on deaf ears. Love and encouragement offer the strongest hope.
We cling to the belief that if we hold someone up long enough, he will get strong. But strength develops as one stands on his own. There is no magic formula. Your help may make a significant difference; it may not. But don’t forget that the wrong kind of help may be worse than no kind of help at all.
Brown says that simple comments and questions that can aid in loved ones seeing the truth may be the best help of all. She says that healthy support includes messages like these:
• I’m here if you need me.
• I’m here if you choose unwisely.
• I’m here, but there are limits and boundaries.
• I’m here to encourage you.
• I’m here to be an objective sounding board.
• I’m here, but I know your choices—and their consequences—belong to you.
• I’m here but I’m willing to lose the relationship if we become twisted together.17
Other ways to offer assistance include the following:
• Listen to your family member and empathize with her feelings (see the next chapter).
• Express confidence in her ability to find solutions for herself by pointing out a time when she did so (even if it’s small) or reminding her of her strengths (“You’re so good at such-and-such”).
• Ask, “What do you think your options are?”
• Ask, “Would it help you if I did such-and-such?”
• Ask, “Have you thought of . . . ?”
Staying Motivated
When you find yourself thinking in old patterns, come up with alternative messages to yourself, such as
• “I wish I could fix her problems for her. But I can’t. Only she can do that. I can only offer my love and support.”
• “It’s not up to me to fix his problems, either, even if he expects me to. My job is to take care of myself.”
• “Even people who are disabled, chronically ill, or have more severe forms of mental illness are still expected to do whatever they can.”18
Chapter 9
Power Tool 3:
Communicate to Be Heard
My emotions consume me. The only way to release my anger is to lash out at others. I don’t care about their feelings, only my anger. I become paranoid and believe they want to hurt me. My wrath is my effort to get some control. In the end, I drive people away.
• Janna, recovering BP •
Mac Ca
lhoun was doing dishes when his adult son, Zak, came through the kitchen door. Mac was going to nag Zak for leaving the back door unlocked all day—again—when he got a look at Zak’s glum face and heard the lackluster tone in his half-grunted, “Hi, Dad.”
He shifted gears. “What happened?” he asked.
As it turned out, Zak had resigned from work that day because he learned his employer was going to release a deeply flawed product that could ruin the company’s reputation. Mac strenuously objected to Zak quitting, saying he should have stayed on anyway because he needed the money. Zak shook his head and calmly responded, “I can see other people doing that, but I just couldn’t.”
Zak’s cousin, Alma Kebron, had an equally bad day. She had spent the day—her birthday—fighting her health insurance company. Then her husband, Kurt, forgot her birthday and neglected to pick up her prescriptions as promised. After Kurt got home—no pharmacy bag in hand—they argued a bit. Alma’s voice rose and shook, and she tried not to cry. Kurt apologized profusely and said he would make it up to her.
She replied with a few unfavorable comments about his memory and organizational abilities. He allowed he should have some sort of calendar and to-do list, took her hand, and gently reminded her that on her last birthday they had taken a trip to Mexico. She gave him a morose smile. After he took her out for Mexican food (and stopped at the pharmacy on the way back), all was forgiven.
Across town, Kurt’s younger brother Jake was complaining about his girlfriend, Jenny, to his friend Cliff. Jake and Jenny, evidently, were having issues. About sex. As Cliff and Jake walked from their biology class to the dorm room they shared, Jake caught a glimpse of Cliff’s screwed-up face. He knew the look—“too much information, dude.” So instead of going into detail, Jake lifted one eyebrow and made a gesture. Cliff gave him a knowing nod.
BP Communication Deficits
These conversations between the Kebron and Calhoun clans are much more sophisticated than they seem. Each person is displaying advanced interpersonal skills that allow him or her to manage conflict, problem solve, and further the interests of the relationship—all in real time. Their skills include