Bring Me Back Here

by A. M. Guilliams

  “You ready to get this show on the road?” he asked as he turned toward me.

  Was I?

  No I wasn’t, but I couldn’t stay out here forever. They’d surely heard us arrive and any moment now they’d come out to greet their long-lost daughter and sister.

  “Who all is in there?”

  I had to get better prepared before I could make myself leave the confines of the truck I didn’t even want to enter in the first place.

  “Everyone.”

  Damn him for being so discrete. Who did he mean by everyone? I didn’t see any vehicles aside from my dad’s truck and my mom’s SUV parked in front of the house. That meant nothing though. There was more parking behind the house.

  “Let’s go before they all flock out here,” I replied with a shaky breath. Once I entered that house, the memories would return. The ones I tried to suppress over the years, but failed to do so.

  Reaching for the door handle, his hand touching mine stopped me in my tracks.

  I didn’t turn to face him. My emotions were on high alert with having to go inside as it was. Looking at him would cause me to break down. An option that I didn’t have right now.

  “You don’t have to be nervous. They’re all just excited to have you return home,” he whispered. I’m sure his words were meant to be reassuring, but they were anything but. I loved my parents and brothers. I missed them terribly while I was gone. They weren’t what I was afraid of. The memories were.

  I pulled the metal handle that was cold to the touch and opened the door, stepping out onto the ground.

  Turning back, I went to grab my bags, but Gentry had already grabbed my suitcase and backpack.

  He got out of the truck and came to my side. Standing in front of me, he looked at me like he had so much to say, yet he remained silent.

  Those eyes. The green depths were my downfall even now. He showed so much emotion within them even now.

  “Come on. You have nothing to worry about. I promise,” he said as he threw his arm over my shoulder and pulled me toward the door.

  His touch sent chills throughout my entire body.

  You can’t go there, Ainsleigh.

  I had to keep reminding myself of those five words. If I wasn’t careful, I’d get lost in him again.

  The door flew open just as we finished walking up the stairs, causing me to jump. I knew they wouldn’t wait much longer.

  “My baby’s finally home,” my mom squealed and clapped as she looked at me from the doorway.

  Walking up to her, I threw myself in the warmth of my mother’s arms. Trying and failing, I let the tears I knew would come fall.

  “I missed you so much,” I said into her shoulder.

  “I missed you too, baby. You’re not allowed to leave me ever again. I mean it,” she said as she stepped back and placed her hands on my shoulders to look at me.

  “You’ve lost weight. We’ll solve that quickly though,” she replied as she pulled me through the door.

  “You can’t hog her all to yourself, Lillian,” my dad said with the biggest smile I’d ever seen on his face.

  I moved to the side and walked into the arms of my daddy. He still smelled of pine chips, the way he’d always smelled when I was growing up. He ran his fingers through my hair, the same way he had when I was a child.

  “Your mother’s right you know,” he whispered.

  “I heard that, you old goofball, and I won’t forget you said it either.” My mother smacked him playfully on the shoulder.

  “Oh hush. You can’t hold that against me. I just meant she wasn’t allowed to stay gone again.”

  I loved the playful banter that my parents always had. I couldn’t ever recall a time when I’d seen them angry. They were always laughing and kidding with each other. I wanted a love like that. I had a love like that with Gentry, and I let it slip through the cracks because I wasn’t strong enough to stay.

  “Alright, you two. We’ve given you enough time to hog her. It’s our turn,” Brooks, my oldest brother, said from behind us.

  Peeking around my dad, I noticed all three of my brothers standing side by side with their arms crossed over their chests. They weren’t happy when I up and left. I hadn’t told any of them my plans, only my parents. I knew I was in for it, but I couldn’t hide behind our father forever. Facing them now was my only option.

  Growing up with three brothers was entertaining and hard all at the same time. I was the baby out of the four of us and got my way often because I was the only girl of the bunch. But they did their brotherly duties over the years and made sure I was as tough as nails. They were even more protective than most brothers I knew, and I loved and hated them for it my entire life.

  I didn’t know which one to go to first. They all looked scary as they stood there, but I walked over on shaky legs. Leo was probably my safest bet. He was the softy out of the three. But I wasn’t raised to be a chicken. So instead of taking the safest choice, I took the hardest. Holden. He took me leaving the hardest because we were the closest. He stood in the middle of them, and I walked right up to him, waiting for him to look me in the eyes.

  Only he wouldn’t. He looked at the floor instead.

  “I missed you, Holden,” I whispered before I placed my arms around his waist. He remained unmoving for the longest time before he finally hugged me in return.

  His strong hold pulled me closer to him, and I almost couldn’t breathe with how tight he held me. He didn’t say anything. His reaction was all I needed to break down even more than I had with my mother. I cried into his flannel shirt and drenched the material before I moved away to give my other brothers the same attention. Brooks came next, then Leo. Then all three of them crowded around me, caging me in between them.

  “Squirt, you’re never leaving again. We won’t let you next time you get a wild hair up your ass. It wasn’t the same here without you,” Brooks said, and I knew he meant every word. It took a lot for my parents to convince them not to chase after me and bring me back home where they all agreed I belonged.

  We were the Courtright siblings, and together we were unstoppable. I just hoped they all could help me in the one and only task I had in mind.

  “Dinner’s almost ready. Why don’t we let your sister go upstairs and freshen up before we eat?” my mother suggested. Thank goodness. I loved my brothers to death, but I didn’t need them smothering me with attention just as soon as I arrived. I had to go and face the one room I had to get away from.

  My bedroom.

  CHAPTER 4

  Ainsleigh

  Reluctantly, my brothers let me go. I needed a minute to myself. Thank goodness, my mother still knew me so well.

  I walked up the creaking, wooden stairs, then down the all too familiar hallway. Past all the other rooms, to the last one on the right. The door was shut, keeping the space hidden from my all too wary eyes.

  I would not break down.

  I would not break down.

  I would not break down.

  I kept whispering those words until I almost believed them. With each step that brought me closer to the worst memory of my life, I kept saying them to myself. Standing in front of the wood door, I reached for the handle that would open all the pain I’d kept inside.

  Mustering all the strength I had, I twisted the handle and opened the door.

  Peering inside, I noticed that my mother hadn’t changed anything.

  Posters still hung on the wall of quotes that I loved.

  Pictures still placed on various shelves and furniture.

  Unsteadily, I crossed the threshold and closed the door behind me.

  So many good times were had here.

  Gossip stories between my girlfriends.

  My first kiss.

  Confessions of love.

  And in one instant, so much pain.

  Walking over to the twin bed against the wall, I sat down on the mattress, almost refusing to look at the nightstand. I needed to look. Needed to face the pain.
But I just wasn’t ready.

  Tears fell down my cheeks. But I didn’t brush them away. Four years of bottled up emotion was now breaking free. It was way overdue. The only way I remained strong while I was away was because I pushed my emotions down and redirected my focus solely on school. If it wasn’t for my studies, I would’ve been a mess. I should’ve been one, but facing what I’d lost would’ve killed me on the inside. It did kill me when I allowed my thoughts to wander for too long. Which wasn’t often.

  Sneaking a peek at the piece of furniture that held one memory I knew would be the hardest to face. Instead of seeing the picture that I was afraid to face, I saw a familiar memory in its place.

  Picking up the fragile frame, I took in the picture of myself and my brothers. My mother hardly ever got a picture with all of us in it, but on this day, we complied. Just for her. We were sitting on a sturdy branch on a tree on the property. A place I loved to visit. We all loved to visit. The times that we shared under that tree brought a smile to my face.

  We shared so many secrets there. Had so many laughs. Shed so many tears. Expressed our fears. We often called it the confession tree. And for good reason. Whenever one of us had something to share, we all met up under that tree and spilled our guts. Right or wrong. Good or bad. We shared our deepest, darkest thoughts. And everyone listened.

  In this particularly rare captured moment, Brooks, Holden, and Leo were all sitting on the branch, and they’d pulled me down for the photo. I was laid across the sturdy legs of my three brothers, laughing because they made sure I didn’t get up and leave so my mother could get the picture. The sun was setting in the distance, causing a summer chill to hit the night air. All four of us were smiling, laughing even.

  My mother must’ve placed this here knowing I couldn’t handle seeing the photo it replaced. And I couldn’t be more grateful. Someday, hopefully soon, I’d have the courage to ask her where she’d placed it so I could face the memories. However unhappy they may have been.

  Returning the photo to its place, I stood and walked around the room.

  All my books were still placed on the shelves. My desk was still cluttered with notebooks and maps of places I wanted to visit someday. Picking up the one on top, I took in the name of the place I wanted to visit the most. Rome. Someday I’d get there.

  Carefully, I placed the map where it’d been sitting.

  The door creaked open behind me, but I didn’t turn to face the person brave enough to enter.

  I wanted to be alone. For just a moment, I wanted to wallow before I had to place that brave face on and act like being here didn’t bring me so much pain.

  “It’s good to see you in here again,” the voice said behind me.

  It didn’t feel that great to be in this room again.

  It felt soul crushing.

  “I know how hard this is for you. You may not think that I do, but I know. More than you can imagine,” he whispered as he walked closer to where I stood.

  His strong hands gripped my waist and turned me around in one swift move. I was too emotional to step away. My feelings were too raw, standing here in this moment with him. I hadn’t once thought about his feelings in all of this. Selfishly, I only cared how I felt. How I couldn’t cope. And yet, after all my selfishness, he still stood before me. He was stronger than I ever gave him credit for.

  He pulled me toward him, wrapping me in the comfort of his arms. It was there that I fully broke. Letting all the emotion come forth yet again.

  I cried for him.

  For everything we’d lost.

  For everything I’d put us through by leaving.

  But most of all, I cried for me.

  “You need to let it all out, Ainsleigh. For once, just let it all come. You don’t have to hide from me. I know being here hurts. I know the memories are consuming you just like they do me. But let them. For once in the past four years, face them head on so you can heal.”

  How did he know I hadn’t?

  How did he know I was still so consumed with grief, that I was still so lost in it?

  “You weren’t the only one who lost her. I lost her too. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about her. But it’s not healthy for you to keep it all in. Scream. Kick. Cry. Do something that helps you, instead of hindering you from moving on,” he whispered against my hair.

  His breath moving the strands across my back caused me to shiver against his solid frame. Time suited him well.

  “What do you do that helps?” I asked, wanting to know so I could hopefully find some way of my own. That was the only way I’d get over being home.

  “You’re not allowed to laugh, okay?”

  Now he had me intrigued.

  Tilting my head, I looked up at him and waited to hear his answer.

  He reached up and brushed the remnants of tears off my cheeks.

  “I won’t laugh.”

  “I meditate. I do yoga. And I ride.”

  He did what?

  Looking at him, I’d have never guessed he’d do something of the nature. Riding. Yes, that I knew he did. But yoga and meditating.

  I smirked because the thought of seeing him in some crazy, bendable pose would be priceless.

  “You said you wouldn’t laugh. Remember that. But, believe it or not, all three have helped me mourn and overcome the grief I’ve felt for the last four years.

  “I didn’t laugh. I smirked. There’s a big difference.”

  “Not by much. Just remember, find something that helps you. What helps me, may not be beneficial for you. I want you to heal. And seeing you just now. Feeling the pain, you felt as you cried. Tore at me in a way you’ll never understand. You need to heal, Ainsleigh, or you’ll never feel whole again.”

  He may have been right.

  Damn him.

  “Now, enough with the heavy stuff. Your mom made your favorite, and it’s ready. That’s why I came up here in the first place. Last one downstairs is a rotten egg,” he said with a laugh as he stepped away from me and started running toward my bedroom door.

  “What? Are we five now?” I screamed as I took off after him.

  My mom’s pot roast was the best, and I couldn’t say no to tasting my favorite meal on my first night home.

  I thought long and hard about what he said.

  I just didn’t know if I wanted to move on.

  To me, moving on meant forgetting.

  And there was no way, no how, that I wanted to forget her.

  CHAPTER 5

  Gentry

  Hearing her cry into my shirt almost made me say fuck it and do what I told myself I wouldn’t.

  Almost.

  But I couldn’t do that to her. Couldn’t do that to us.

  She didn’t need that on her plate right now.

  And I would feel awful if I pushed her away before I even got her close.

  So I did the next best thing.

  I comforted her.

  And, to my surprise, she let me.

  Feeling her against me felt amazing. Holding her in my arms after four years felt like she’d never left.

  But she had. And I needed to remember that. Needed to remain focused so I could get her back. She would question my intentions, but I couldn't care less.

  Hearing her laugh behind me while we raced toward the kitchen made my heart swell. I hadn’t heard that sound since long before she left. She’d lost the will to show any emotion. Now that I’d heard it, I’d do anything to keep hearing it.

  I came to a sudden halt when I rounded the corner into the kitchen, causing her to run into the back of me. A loud thud sounded behind me, and I knew before I’d even turned around that she’d hit the floor.

  I tried. I really did. But I couldn’t help myself.

  I let out a laugh of my own at the fact that she’d just landed on her ass.

  “It’s not funny. When did you get so solid?”

  I turned around, trying to hold the laughter in, and help her off the floor.

  She swatted m
y hand away and used the doorjamb to pull herself up.

  “I’ve always been this solid, or don’t you remember, sweetheart?” I whispered, and she let out a frustrated sound.

  “What’s the matter, Ainsleigh? Did you forget how to walk while you were away?” her brother, Brooks, joked from the massive table that was next to the kitchen.

  “Why do I put up with all of you?” she said as she stomped over to the table and took her seat.

  “Because you love us,” Leo taunted from his seat beside Holden.

  The three of them were laughing under their breaths when I finally walked over and decided to play with fire by sitting beside her.

  As soon as I sat down and scooted my chair forward her elbow met my ribcage in retaliation. I tried to not react, but damn, she had some power behind that blow.

  She looked in my direction with a scowl on her face. A look that I knew meant business.

  “Now, now, children. Play nice with each other,” her mother replied as she brought over the roasting pan with what I knew held the most delicious pot roast I’d had to date.

  “Since when do we not play nice, Mom?” Holden asked as he reached for the fork to get some of the pot roast.

  Their mother, Lillian, who’d came to be a woman I looked up to as a mother over the years, smacked the fork out of his hand and told him that his sister deserved to get the first serving. I was happy to see that nothing had changed between the siblings with four years spent apart.

  Ainsleigh stuck her tongue out at him and made sure she grabbed a bigger portion than I was sure she could eat. She took a bite and moaned. A sound that went straight to areas it shouldn’t have, and I made myself tune them out before I got in even more trouble.

  Playful banter continued between Holden, Brooks, Leo, and Ainsleigh as they talked about what she’d missed while she was gone. They were quick not to mention me, and I was grateful. That was my story to tell. One I’d hope to tell her in private.