So true. So, so true.
Chapter 30
“What kind of call was that? He wasn’t close to offsides! Are you even watching the same game?”
Amy glanced up at where I stood, the stopwatch swinging wildly from my hand.
“You saw that, right?” I asked.
“Coach is going to throw you off the field. You know how he feels about you yelling at the refs.”
I so didn’t need her laughing at me. Not tonight. Tonight was the final game of the winter season. Chris had talked Luke and Ben into playing a cross-town indoor league as he got himself back in shape for walk-on tryouts at Monroe College in case he didn’t get the call. Coach had come along claiming he couldn’t let all his work be ruined by some part-time-wanna-be-dad-with-good-intentions-but-no-talent coach.
The big softy.
Chris was driving me home after the game. It was going to be the first time—unless you count Ben’s hover from five feet away two months earlier—we’d been alone since that talk in Coach Johnson’s office three months before.
“As if Coach can hear me over his own screaming. Plus, my language is no where near as bad as his.”
I glanced at the stopwatch. I did not need this kind of pressure tonight. I’d been hoping for a nice clean win, not this back and forth thing going on here. I guess that’s why both teams were in the league championships.
All our guys had to do was hold their one goal lead for less than a minute.
My eyes flicked from the watch to the Astroturf covered field. Back and forth. I couldn’t believe it. It was almost over and we were going to win.
Two more shots on goal. Amy scribbled the stats next to me as I watched that second hand pound closer to the top. I raised the air horn, not taking any chances that a moment could cost us the game.
And then it was over. We’d won. The team rushed the field. The crowd rushed the field. After Amy had finished scribbling notes, she rushed the field…okay, to be honest, Amy rushed right to Luke, but same difference, right?
Me? I couldn’t move. I was terrified and excited all at once. My fingers wrapped around the small, silver hardware hanging around my neck. It had been a compass. Just like Chris had promised, a reminder that I was strong, that I held myself together.
Chris slipped from the crowd and jogged my way, his grin so fresh, so new and young it stole my breath away.
It slipped a little as he neared, but the excitement still rolled off him. He stopped so close I could see the little rivulets of sweat running down his neck. He didn’t reach for me, he just stood there, looking excited and worried.
“You’ll be here after I change?”
I’d been waiting three months for this. I wasn’t going anywhere. And yet, all I could do was nod.
“Great.” He stepped closer and I could feel the heat coming off him through the cold of the winter-chilled auditorium. “Really great.”
And then he was gone, up the stairs to the gym’s back door.
The crowd thinned out fairly quickly, heading to parties and out for food. I sat on the bleachers as I watched them become more and more deserted around me, wondering if I’d been stood up.
Dr. Meadows and I talked a lot about that. About what would happen if at the end of this new trial run Chris and I weren’t in the same place.
I was as ready as I could be.
The last three months had been long…and they’d flown by. Any time we were together was in a group. My friends—our friends—rock. Between Amy, Luke, Justin, Ben and Ben’s friend Emma, we were always out. Always together but not. They even made sure numbers were always odd so nothing felt like a kind-of-date.
The whole time we hadn’t talked about it. About us. Not even about how each of us was doing. We didn’t spend any time alone together—which annoyed Coach because that meant he had to find Chris a new tutor and that guy wasn’t half as good as me. We both went to our sessions and followed the rules.
Never in the history of history had there been two people with so many rules.
But I was going to do it right this time. No crutches, do the work, get off the meds if I could.
I’d admitted to myself I wasn’t insane. My sister carried an epi for her allergies, and this was no different. It was just a different kind of issue.
I was where I needed to be. I had prepared to be in as good a place as I could be if Chris’s idea of this talk and mine were different.
I was putting on a fresh-fresh-fresh coat of Swiss Kiss when the heavy tread of a guy slowed to a stop behind me.
“Hey.” He was still so beautiful it took my breath away, but it no longer stressed me out. Knowing him was all that mattered now.
“Ready?” I asked, praying that he was.
I was sure he was still living with the Parkers when he opened the door to his Acura for me.
We pulled out of the almost empty lot and headed away from town. Away from everyone else.
There was only one place I wanted to be, but I didn’t want to push him somewhere he didn’t want to go. So much had happened at the bridge. It felt like our whole lives had happened there in some ways.
When he hit the road winding along the river, I forced myself to relax. No matter what the outcome was, he was bringing us to the place we both felt safest.
The weeds along the almost-dirt road had grown up again in the time we’d been gone. There’d been so many nights I’d almost gone there searching for the peace, but just couldn’t bring myself to go alone.
He turned the car so the lights hit the water before shutting them off. We sat there in his reclaimed Acura for a few moments. Just sat there. The motor running, the heat on.
Any second, hope could be gone, so why rush it?
“I’m sorry,” I finally said when I couldn’t take it any more.
Even with the distance between us, I felt him stiffen.
“For what?”
So many things. I couldn’t even list them all in my mind.
“For not being up front with you. For telling you only half-truths.”
His shoulders dropped and he turned in his seat to face me.
“That’s what you’re sorry about?”
Oh, no. What did he want me to be sorry about? I nodded, afraid to push my luck.
“I thought you were going to say you were sorry, but you couldn’t have anything to do with me.” He paused and took a deep breath. “Are you going to say that?”
“I don’t think so.”
He reached across and took my hand, toying with my fingers and studying them with a daunting focus.
“Rachel, here’s the deal. I want this more than I’ve ever wanted anything. I hope you think we’re both in the right place to start out, to take it slow. I’m really hoping that because I’m not sure what my heart will do if you say no.”
Thank God. Thank God. I was so relieved I couldn’t speak. I just swiped at the tears coming down my cheeks and nodded.
He got that goofy grin, the one that I knew no one would believe the gorgeous, popular jock Chris Kent had.
“Good.” He brought my hand up and kissed the scars across the back. “So good.”
“Yeah,” I finally managed to say.
“We’ll just stick to the rules, play it safe.” He watched me a long moment, waiting for a sign probably.
I nodded, afraid of words ruining what was seeming too good to be my new reality.
“So, so good.” His other hand came up to touch my cheek, to fill his palm with my damp skin. And then, he kissed me. Not like our last kiss. It wasn’t desperate to find something, or to fill a need we didn’t understand. It was a promise.
He pulled away, but not so far that I felt the fear again. “I want you to feel safe with me. Tell me how you’re doing. I want you to know you can trust me.”
“I do,” I said before he could continue. I wasn’t even scared to admit it. I knew he was getting help, and I’d watched him for three months.
And had Amy watch him.
I’m pretty sure Ben was in on the watching as well.
Chris may not know it, but he was the most secretly observed guy in the RV.
“But I want you to know.” He paused, laying his head sideways against the headrest but still looking at me, studying me. “The thing I worry about the most is that I hurt you.”
His thumb rubbed over the scars on my hand and wrist again, a harsh reminder to both of us.
I clasped my free hand over his, stopping the way he caressed the thing that showed everyone what I’d done…how far out of control I’d gotten.
“You didn’t do this.” I could claim my own mistakes.
“Rach, you didn’t do it either. We were like throwing pure sodium in water. An explosion was going to happen any way you look at it.” His thumb caressed my skin again, passing over places that were still tender and places I couldn’t really feel.
My heart sped up, but not in that scary panic way.
“But…”
Oh, no. How could there be a but on the end of that?
“I’ve learned a lot. This,” he waved his hand between us, grouping us, connecting us. “I talked to my therapist and kind of thought maybe sex is something we shouldn’t deal with till next year. If we’re ready. I may become kind of old-fashioned about this.”
He laughed off the last sentence.
It took a second for all that to settle in. It could have been the word sex that stopped me. Or the really worried look he had as he said those things. But I think it was the last part that had me brain-stalling. Again.
“Next year?”
“Yeah. I mean, if something were to happen, we’d be in a better place to handle it. Because,” he leaned in and kissed me once more, just a quick touch of our lips. “We’re both still getting better. And—” He cleared his throat, those ears turning pink.
There was more?
“And, remember how I said I…to forget everything, I’d…”
I wrapped my hand around his this time, knowing this sharing and fear and strength needed to go both ways between us. “Yes.”
“I don’t need it because you’re everything. Not in a scary stalker way. I mean, there’re still my friends and my family and stuff. But, there’s only one person—one you—who makes me feel so much. The way I feel about you feels like too much and not enough at the same time.”
I was crying again. I mean, what girl wouldn’t be when the guy she’s crazy for tells her she’s everything?
“Rachel?”
I waved a hand for him to keep going, too churning inside to talk.
“I’m hoping,” he continued, “that you’ll feel the same way about me by then. I just know I have more stuff to work on before we…”
For someone who’d done it a lot, he sure couldn’t talk about it. Or maybe, this new respect of what sex could mean had him as confused and nervous as I was.
“Well, it’s a good thing that’s not the only thing we’re waiting for, because this car is not the romantic setting I’m expecting from you.”
That goofy smile he was too cool to show anyone else popped back out.
He didn’t look expectant or pushy. I think he seriously didn’t expect me to tell him anything. But, after that, how could I not? I mean, this was the guy who went to his doctor an extra time to ask about BDD so he could be good to me.
I cleared my throat, hoping I could loosen up words I didn’t know were in there.
“So…” Great start, Rachel. “I need you to know, too.”
I reached out for him, his hand already rising to meet mine.
“Rachel, you don’t need to.”
“Actually, I do.” I just hadn’t realized I did. “I need to tell you. Not just because you just shared so much. But, because it’s good for me and good for us.”
That large, warm hand gave mine a squeeze as Chris laid his head against the headrest again and settled in.
“I’m better. Better than I’ve been in years. My mom and Dr. Meadows and I decided together to keep me on the meds. Not because I couldn’t come off them, but because there’s so much going on now and I need to stay focused. I still get…fluttery in my gut about stuff. But, I see it coming now. It’s like driving and seeing the road instead of trying to steer from the back of a bus. And, I want to stay even as we…”
I was still too afraid to hold on to him I realized. Not because I didn’t trust him, but because my own track record was such a mess.
“Because we’re a big change?” He asked it as if it weren’t a huge life-shift moment.
And he was right. It wasn’t that we were too much. Or wrong. It’s just that we were both driving without a map for the first time.
“Yeah, change.”
And suddenly, so many things clicked I was shocked he couldn’t hear the gears grinding in my head. “But, change is good.”
We both kind of looked at each other for a quiet moment before that smile broke out again.
“Yeah. Change is our friend.” He brushed my hair away from my face, leaving his hand there to stroke my cheek. “But, I’m hoping it doesn’t hurt to tell you I’m feeling done with all this courting-from-a-distance stuff.”
Geez. I was with a guy who just used the word courting. He really was in therapy.
But, if I was his everything, he was my more. More feelings, more faith and more strength than I’d felt in a long time.
I brushed my lips across his because there was something else I wanted more of. More kisses.
Thanks for reading Secret Life. I hope you enjoyed it! If you’d like to get updates on more of my books, you can join my New Release mailing list HERE or find me at www.briaquinlan.com and on twitter @briaquinlan. I’ve been really lucky to have people review my books at Goodreads. You can find my author page HERE.
BOOK NOTE
I’m excited to share SECRET LIFE for several reasons. Most importantly because, as someone with BDD, I never thought I’d write about it. But, no matter how much I wanted Rachel’s story to be different, she just wouldn’t give up. Her story isn’t mine, or any specific woman I’ve spoken with, but it is drawn from all those conversations. Each thought and action has someone’s kernel of truth in is. Because, just like most things, BDD doesn’t effect everyone the same. I know people are going to make assumptions about what can or can’t define someone with BDD, but the truth is…we can’t know what goes on in someone’s head. My hope is that readers find more empathy for everyone in their world through this story.
For more about how I decided to approach this topic as a writer, you can check out my blog.
Secondly, SECRET LIFE was the book I finalled in the RWA Golden Heart with. That adventure brought me some of my closest friends and brightest opportunities.
About Bria
Golden Heart finalist Bria Quinlan writes stories for teens that take hard topics and make you laugh through your tears. Her stories remind you that life is an adventure not to be ignored. You can contact her find her at www.briaquinlan.com OR on twitter @briaquinlan.
She also writes sweet & sassy Contemporary Romances as Caitie Quinn.
Both personalities are represented by the awesomely amazing Laird Lauren Macleod of the Clan…. Oh, wait. Of Strothman Agency.
Acknowledgements
Gwen Hayes, who, no matter how much she hated Chris in this book, still managed to handle the story with love. Jeannie Lin—who luckily hasn’t gotten sick of me yet.
Darcy Woods and Jenn McGowan: Only a phone call away—even when it’s not scheduled! Sandwiches.
Elyssa Patrick and MG Buehrlen, who both gave me the emotional permission to bring a story like this out. Megan Stevens who STILL isn’t a teen any more…Thanks, ladies!
Oh, my Roomers. Abby Mumford, Alexia Reed, Emily Ryan-Davis, Kimberly Farris, Kristen Koster, Marnee Bailey, Valerie Cole, and Rachel Grant.
And Ann Bleakley, who spent 110’ days in a cabin in the dessert with me while I wrote this… It wa
s way more fun than it sounds!
And finally, to my secret Sprinters Indie Group. You’re still-still putting up with me.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
About Bria
Acknowledgements
Secret Life (RVHS Secrets) Page 21