The looks of surprise on my classmates’ faces were nothing compared to my teammates’, who gaped at me like I was crazy.
“If we fail, you should all vote for Cannonball and his puppet, Melonhead,” I announced as Melonhead turned around and glared at me. “But if we succeed,” I added after a suitable pause, “I expect all of your votes to be cast for us.”
The final bell rang at that moment and my teammates erupted in a frenzy of frustration.
“Are you crazy?!” shouted Tadpole. “How are we going to do that?!”
“Tadpole’s right,” agreed Stench. “If we can’t deliver on that promise, we’re sunk!”
“Nice work, O Boy! You’ve just won us the election!” Cannonball guffawed as he walked past us.
“Way to go,” the Quake added as she “accidentally” bumped into me.
Tadpole couldn’t restrain himself and began needling Cannonball. It wasn’t long before the two competing political parties were in a full-scale clash. I could see Miss Marble was completely flustered by her inability to put a stop to it, and I decided to use the commotion as my opportunity to slip away from my friends.
I knew that I could return everyone’s powers. But to do so, I had to convince people go back to Dr. Telomere’s chips. I also had to find proof of Professor Brain-Drain’s jail time. Luckily, the solutions to both problems could be found at the same place. I slipped away from the school playground and headed for downtown. It was time to pay a visit to city hall.
When I got there, I was in such a hurry that I almost didn’t notice the dejected group of heroes sulking on the park benches in front of the building. It was a sad assemblage of seven members of the League of Ultimate Goodness. At first I thought they all looked depressed because Major Bummer was sitting with them, but then I realized he had lost his power to spread doom and gloom. This despair was genuine.
“Well, hello thar, Ordinary Boy,” Whistlin’ Dixie said, trying to sound cheerful. “What brings ya down here to city hall?”
“I’m just here on an errand,” I said. “Why are all of you here?”
“We came down to file for unemployment benefits,” said the Crimson Creampuff. “But there’s nobody in the office.”
“What happened to your jobs?” I asked.
“AI, he-a laid us off,” Spaghetti Man admitted.
“Aaarrgh, it’s true,” confirmed Captain Blowhole. “The scurvy dog said he couldn’t afford to pay us while he was out of commission.”
“Why?” I said. “He lost his power, not his fortune.”
“It’s not the money,” grumped Major Bummer. “It’s because with him powerless, he’s no better than any of us.”
“He doesn’t want to take a chance on anyone showing him up,” added the Human Compass.
LI’L HERO’S HANDBOOK
PEOPLE
NAME: Cap’n Blowhole. POWER: The ability to shoot water from the top of his head. LIMITATIONS: Has difficulty holding onto hats. CAREER: After one too many harpoon incidents, the Cap’n, for his own safety, accepted an offer to join the League of Ultimate Goodness. CLASSIFICATION: Always a bit soggy.
“He’s pathetic,” I said, my anger growing. And then I got an idea.
“Say, how would all of you like to get back at AI?”
“Vhat is it, darling?” asked Mannequin. “I’m feeling vonderfully vindictive at zee moment.”
“My dad and his team are getting Dr. Telomere’s up and running even as we speak,” I explained. “If they can get real potato chips out to the public, it might just sink AI’s Pseudo-Chip business. I know they’d welcome the help of anyone who’s working against the Amazing Indestructo.”
“It would serve that egotistical basket case right,” mused Major Bummer as he glanced at his teammates. No one disagreed.
“Pardner, ya got yerself a deal,” Dixie said, tipping her rhinestone hat.
As the former LUGs headed off on their new mission, I climbed the steps to city hall. Like the league had said, the place was deserted. It was as if the city employees had already given up any hope of Mayor Whitewash retaining his job. I had two errands to run, though, so I ignored the silence and followed the signs for the hall of public records.
I found it quickly, but it, too, was empty. Glancing around, I slipped behind the front desk and headed straight for the files labeled POLICE RECORDS. I pulled open the drawer containing the Ps and began to riffle through them. Sure enough, I found a sliver-thin file with the Professor’s name on it. I opened it up to reveal a single piece of paper.
Bingo! I had found what I needed. Not only did I know how to put an end to Professor Brain-Drain’s political career but also how I could steer everyone away from AI’s Pseudo-Chips. All I needed was the cooperation of Mayor Whitewash—as well as the item I had been carrying in my book bag! Uncinching it, I reached in and retrieved my last bag of Dr. Telomere’s Potato Chips. Now, I only had to get the mayor to try the chips. When his power returned, he would just assume it was from not eating the PseudoChips, and then he could begin convincing everyone else.
I found the mayor’s office and came to a stop outside the ornate door that bore his name on a thick brass plate. I paused for only a moment as I took a deep breath and then entered.
The large, lavish room was as empty as the rest of city hall—including the mayor’s enormous desk. And then I noticed that the desk chair was turned away from the door, and a thick shock of white hair was poking over the top of it.
“Mayor Whitewash,” I blurted out in excitement as I held up the bag of Dr. Telomere’s chips, “I know how to help you win the election.”
“Is that so?” came a voice that turned my blood cold.
I watched in dismay as the chair spun around to reveal none other than the Red Menace himself.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
The Odd Couple
I slowly backed toward the door as the Red Menace began to laugh at me. And then he spotted the bag of Dr. Telomere’s chips in my hand and the laughing stopped cold. It was all the confirmation I needed that he was fully aware of their power.
“Where did you get those?” he demanded.
“I found them at the zoo,” I replied.
“Yes, that would explain the superpowered animals,” he said, “but it doesn’t explain how you came to know about the benefits of these chips.”
“The answer is there for anyone who wants to see it,” I stated.
“Answers are often right in front of our faces,” he said with a sneer as he got up stiffly and moved from behind the desk. “Yet most people prefer not to see them. They want only simple answers to life’s questions—regardless of whether they’re correct. But not you, apparently.”
“A wrong answer is no answer at all,” I said, deciding to stand my ground as he approached.
“That’s just the kind of individualistic thinking that I will soon eliminate completely,” he threatened. “I’ve already spread equality to the entire population, and now it requires only my strong hand to lead them to a brilliant new future. Don’t you agree?”
“Yes . . . I mean no!” I said forcing myself to break the grip of his power as he used it on me at full strength. “I notice you’ve kept your own power functioning. Why not make yourself as equal as everyone else?”
“If only I could.” He feigned exhaustion. “Yet I’m willing to make that sacrifice, as any selfless leader would.”
“Real leaders at least get themselves elected,” I pointed out.
“Oh, you mean politicians,” the Red Menace replied with a sinister laugh. “Their positions will soon be abolished.”
“Abolished?”
“Certainly. This will become an office for all the people—” he started to say as he waved his hand to indicate the space we were in.
“I doubt they’ll all fit,” I interrupted.
“—but I’ll occupy it on their behalf,” he concluded. “That’s why I’m here, in fact. To check out my future home.”
“Wh
at have you done with Mayor Whitewash,” I demanded.
“Nothing,” he stated. “I would never cause harm to my own son.”
“Your son?” I said, unable to hide my shock.
“Of course,” he said matter-of-factly. “Surely you noticed the similarity of our powers. Sadly, Whitewash has only a watered-down version of my ability. While I can compel people to do whatever I tell them, he can merely convince them to believe the things he tells them. Believing is not the same thing as doing, you have to admit.”
“Lots of people believe they’ll become millionaires,” I agreed, “but few actually do.”
“Exactly.” He nodded. “Still, it’s certainly a useful power for a politician.”
“Except that you’ve taken it away from him. And without it, he has no chance of winning.”
“Yes, that’s true,” the Red Menace admitted. “In fact, I made certain he lost his power before everyone else. Not that anyone was going to be able to counteract my commands, but if anybody could come close, it would have been him, as you yourself surmised. No matter. His office is about to become irrelevant anyway.”
“Really?” I asked. “Are you unaware that you’ve made it possible for Professor Brain-Drain to become mayor? That can’t be part of your plan.”
“Ha! Professor Brain-Drain is no threat to me,” he scoffed. “Brain-Drain is powerless. I robbed him of his ability ten years ago.”
“But you were in prison,” I pointed out.
“And so was he,” the Red Menace responded, confirming the same information I had just uncovered in the record room. “I was serving a sentence of one thousand six hundred and thirty-six years in solitary confinement. Because of my power, I was allowed to see no one out of fear that I might bend him or her to my will.”
“Why would anyone think that?” I said sarcastically.
“Yes, it was for good reason,” he conceded. “Yet Professor Brain-Drain, who was there to serve a mere seven-day sentence, insisted on being placed in my cell. Rather than irritate a villain who could drain away his intelligence, the warden gave in and I got my first cell mate in forty years.”
“Why would the Professor have done that?” I asked.
“Ego, of course,” the Red Menace replied. “Even after forty years behind bars, I still had the reputation as the worst villain in Superopolis’s history, at least among those who still remembered me. It seemed that the Professor took issue with that, feeling he deserved the honor. We argued the entire seven days over which of us was the worst threat the city ever faced.”
“That’s an honor to aspire to,” I said with disgust. “So who won?”
“Why I did, of course,” he said and smirked. “When he was discharged seven days later, Professor BrainDrain left without his power—while I retained every bit of my intelligence.”
“But how?” I asked, fascinated to hear the answer.
“It was an accident, actually,” he admitted. “On the day he arrived, he taunted me by claiming my power was useless against him. He insisted he was far too intelligent to be manipulated. He was probably right. Yet when our first meal together arrived, I casually mentioned to him that he hated potato chips, and that they would dull his intelligence.”
“He made exactly that comment the first time we met,” I said as Professor Brain-Drain’s puzzling statement finally made sense to me.
“It was brilliant. He wasn’t expecting such a low-key command from me and it slipped through and settled in his brain,” the Red Menace said, sneering. “I had manipulated him without his even knowing it. Of course, I had no idea what the result of this would be. I had merely done it in order to get his share of chips at every meal along with my own.”
“And without the chips, Professor Brain-Drain’s power vanished,” I said.
“Exactly. We fought bitterly all week over who was the most evil, and by the end of his seven-day term, he was so angry that he decided to drain my intelligence and leave me behind in prison with my head an empty shell.”
“Only he couldn’t,” I stated.
“No, he couldn’t.” The Red Menace smirked. “Of course I let him think he had, but it was clear to me that his power had failed. It didn’t take me long to figure out why. I had always suspected that potatoes had unique properties. In fact, I had been experimenting with them myself during my original scheme.”
“Yes, my friends and I were strapped onto your potato smasher several weeks ago by the Multiplier,” I admitted.
“I had created that device to extract liquid from potatoes to use as a way of gaining power over the population,” he explained. “But it wasn’t until my innocent command to Professor Brain-Drain that I figured out the true power of the potato. And now you, too, have figured out the secret. It only confirms something I’ve been suspecting for several days—ever since you came to the hospital to see the Amazing Indestructo.”
“What’s that?” I asked, not sure I wanted to know the answer.
“That I need to get his Pseudo-Chip business under my complete control,” he replied. “The Amazing Indestructo is a weak fool, and I saw from your visit how easily he might be persuaded to sell his business. So I’ve decided he is going to sell it—to me!”
“Why would he do that? Have you come up with a billion dollars?”
“One doesn’t need a billion dollars if one has the ability to order someone to sell,” he explained. “So far, I’ve had no need to use my power on the simpleminded, selfish buffoon. But that doesn’t mean I can’t. The Pseudo-Chip business will be safely in my hands by tomorrow morning.”
“And all for the sake of power,” I concluded.
“Knowledge is the real power,” the elderly villain said calmly as he began to shuffle toward me. “And the effect of Dr. Telomere’s chips is the most important piece of knowledge ever. No one else can know it but me. So I’m afraid I have no choice but to eliminate you.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
The Fall of Captain Radio
Just as the Red Menace was about to lunge at me, an enormous roar pierced the silence of city hall. The villain froze in his tracks, and a look of sheer terror spread across his face. Clutching at his chest, he staggered back toward his son’s desk.
I spun around and found myself face-to-face with Gore, the velociraptor. No wonder city hall was deserted. There was a man-eating dinosaur roaming through it. Correction, a meat-eating dinosaur. I hoped he was still holding to his principles.
“You look like you could use some assistance,” he said dryly. “I suggest we get you out of here.”
I wasn’t going to argue. I took off running while Gore trailed behind, making sure the Red Menace wasn’t following. It wasn’t until we were clear of city hall and approaching the northeast corner of Lava Park that I came to a stop.
“Thank you,” I said as Gore stopped alongside me. “You saved my life.”
“Think nothing of it.” He waved a razor-sharp claw dismissively. “I guess that makes us even.”
“What were you doing in city hall?”
“I had merely come to propose a solution to the mayor regarding the current conflict between animals and humans.” He shrugged. “But he—and everyone else—fled screaming from the building before I could get two words out. I was searching the entire complex for someone and had just returned to the mayor’s office when I witnessed your exchange with that menacing fellow.”
“Did you hear what we were discussing?” I asked.
“Indeed I did,” Gore admitted. “And now I understand why the powers of some of my animal friends have begun to fade. With the exception of a few bags that I still retain, the zoo ran out of chips the same night you paid us a visit. That was the main reason I came to bargain with the mayor.”
“I don’t understand.” I shook my head.
“I had hoped to negotiate for better care for the animals of Superopolis while we still had leverage,” he explained. “With our powers fading, I knew this might be the only opportunity.”
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“But now you know how to keep your powers going,” I said, not sure this was a good thing.
“I honestly don’t think that would be beneficial,” Gore said to my complete surprise. “The animals have used their powers even more frivolously than you humans. For example, the monkeys still throw their own poop at each other, only now they do it from midair. Even worse, the carnivores among us have been using their powers to prey on the weaker species, and nothing I say will stop them. That’s the primary reason things need to return to the way they were.”
“I doubt humans would ever willingly give back powers they had been granted,” I proposed.
“Neither would these animals,” Gore countered. “That’s why I’m making the decision for them. Not unlike the way, I am guessing, you have made the decision for the members of your own species.”
Gore could tell from the look on my face that he had guessed right.
“You’ve made the right decision,” he replied. “Despite your species’ obvious flaws, you often use the powers bestowed on you to work together for the greater good and for the protection of the least among you. It’s a noble endeavor and I compliment you on it.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“So get on with your plan,” Gore concluded, “and I’ll prepare my fellow creatures for the change that is imminent for them.”
With that, he plunged into a woody area of Lava Park, leaving me bewildered yet oddly proud. But there was no time to waste. I still had no way to get the word out about switching back to Dr. Telomere’s chips, and now I had to prevent the Red Menace from taking over the Amazing Indestructo’s PseudoChip business, too. I was going to need help.
I hurried as fast as I could to Needlepoint Hill. There were only two heroes I could turn to for help in dealing with the Red Menace—the same two heroes who had helped defeat him once before. The elevator car was waiting for me at the base of the mountain, and I let it carry me to the main level of Pinprick Manor. Once again, Lord Pincushion was awaiting my arrival, only this time he looked distinctly different. There wasn’t a single sharp object sticking out of him anywhere.
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