by L A Cotton
Felicity
“Hey,” Mya jogged up beside me. “What’s got your attention?”
“Oh nothing.” I shoved my cell in my pocket and flashed her a bright smile.
“Oh, really, the same nothing that had your attention at lunch and in government?” Her brow rose. “Come on, you can tell me. It’s one of them, right? Asher or Jason.”
“Ssh,” I grabbed her hand, pulling her closer.
“Shit, my bad. So I’m right?” She lowered her voice conspiratorially. “It is one of them. You know I heard Jason left the party in a hurry Saturday.” Her brows waggled.
Pressing my lips together, I kept walking, but Mya followed. “You can talk to me, you know?” she went on, “I know what it’s like to want someone... bad for you.”
My eyes darted to hers. “I don’t...”
“Girl, it’s written all over your face every time he enters the room.”
Oh God.
The color drained from my cheeks. “Is it that obvious?”
“Seriously?” Mya’s mouth lifted in a half-grin, not that anything about this was amusing. “You’re fooling nobody but yourself.”
“Crap. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to...” I stuffed down the words.
“Fall for him?”
“I’m not... it isn’t like that. I know it’s doomed. He’s Jason Ford for Christ’s sake. But there is something there.” Something that was proving pretty damn hard to ignore. Especially since he wasn’t making it easy to forget him.
My cell vibrated again, and Mya nudged me, urging me to look at it.
Jason: Dancing naked under the rain?
“That is Jason, right? The Jason Ford? Because damn girl, what did you do to him?”
“It’s silly really.” I didn’t return his text, giving Mya my full attention. “I created this list for senior year, kind of like a bucket list.”
“Neat.”
“You think?”
“Yeah, I mean, life is for living, right? If having a list keeps you accountable, then why not, I say.” Mya slipped her arm through mine. “So what exactly is on this list, or is it a secret?”
“I don’t go around publicizing it, if that’s what you mean.”
“It’s something for you, I dig that. But Jason knows about the list?”
“Yeah, Asher let it slip.”
“Asher?” Something flashed in her eyes. “What’s his deal anyway?”
“What do you mean?” We reached the room where book club held their weekly meetings.
“Doesn’t matter,” she backtracked. “This your stop?”
“Yeah, I pushed myself to take up a new hobby this year.”
Mya glanced at the temporary sign on the window and frowned. “And you chose book club? That doesn’t sound very bucket list.”
“Hey, it’s a start.”
“Yeah, but come on, you can do better than book club.”
Her words sank into me, cracking open every insecurity I’d ever felt about myself. All my fears about becoming my parents.
Mya was right—book club was safe. It wasn’t pushing any limits or breaking any chains. It was something my mom would have done when she was at school.
I shuddered.
“Oh dear God, I’m becoming my mother,” I grumbled, suddenly wishing I’d have signed up to wizards and muggles or JROTC.
“You want to make memories, right?” I nodded, unsure where she was going with this. “Then you need to think big. You need to think so big that when you look back at high school in twenty years’ time you can say you had zero regrets.”
“Zero regrets, I like the sound of that.” Even if it did terrify me.
“Ready to show me that list?”
Was I?
I doubted I’d ever be ready, but if I wanted senior year to be epic, maybe I needed Mya’s help more than I cared to admit.
“I’m home,” I called, dropping my keys on the sideboard and making my way into the kitchen.
“Hey, sweetheart, how was your day?”
I spent the day evading this hot guy’s text messages, overhauled my bucket list with my new friend from the city, and seriously considered cutting class. But not wanting to give my mom a heart attack, I went with, “It was the usual. You’re home early?”
“Dentist appointment. I scheduled you for next month.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
She pushed a glass of juice toward me before going back to the pan of spaghetti. It was Tuesday which meant spaghetti. Tomorrow would be pot roast, and Thursday Mom liked to live on the edge with steak and chicken fajitas.
“Me and your father were talking yesterday and thought now is a good as time as any to start contacting businesses in the city who might be able to give you an internship next summer.”
“It’s only November, Mom. Isn’t that a little premature?”
“Absolutely not. Making the right contacts now could be crucial for your future.”
“I’ll get right on that,” I murmured, tapping out a tune on the counter. “Hey, Mom.” I asked after a couple of minutes silence. “What’s the most adventurous thing you did in high school?”
She glanced over her shoulder, brows pinched with confusion. “Adventurous thing?”
“Yeah, like sneak out after dark or make out behind the bleachers.”
“Felicity Charlotte Giles, what on earth has gotten into you?” A slight pink streak appeared across her cheeks.
“It’s for a school project,” I lied. “For English.”
“A project you say, well,” she dried her hands on the towel shoved into the waistband of her pants, “Let’s see, there was that one time me and your father played hooky to go down to the lake for a picnic. We’d been dating six months and he wanted to make it special. Then there was the time we made out at the back of Mr. Kavendish’s classroom during Romeo and Juliet, that was particularly daring.”
“Rad, Mom.” I mocked, feeling my stomach sink.
“Sorry if my stories aren’t cool enough for you, baby, but we were good kids. We didn’t go looking for trouble and we were happy to live within the rules.”
I knew the story well. My parents were high school sweethearts who went on to college, graduated, and found jobs in the city. Together. Then I’d come along, their unplanned surprise, and upset all their plans. They never made me feel anything less than loved and cherished, but sometimes I wondered if their overbearing interest in my future was their response to having a child they weren’t prepared for.
“Do you ever regret only ever being with Dad?”
The lines around her eyes deepened. “The school really wants to know this stuff?”
Shrugging, I quickly fumbled for something to say. “They want us to compare senior year back in the day to senior year now, that kind of thing. They didn’t really give us set questions or anything. I just thought... well, you and Dad have been together forever. That can’t have always been easy.”
“Were we young? Of course we were. But when you know, you know, sweetheart. And I took one look at your father and knew he was the one.”
“What do you think has been your recipe for success?” Because where a lot of marriages ended in heartache, my parents had weathered the storm.
“Hmm, let’s see. Communication, never going to sleep on an argument, and routine.”
“Routine?” I squeaked. “Jesus, Mom, you make it sound so romantic.”
“Baby, your father is about as romantic as that wooden spoon.” She flicked her head to the utensil rack. “But he’s always been there for me, and that’s what really matters. I’d rather have a lifetime of your father than a few months of fire and passion.”
I found it a little sad that she didn’t think you could have both. But who was I to judge? They were happy enough and one hundred percent committed to each other and our family.
“Favorite senior year memory?”
“That one’s easy.” She smiled wistfully. “Prom. It was magical. Just how the movies p
ortray it. Your father bought me a beautiful corsage and drove us to the school gym in his rusty old Buick. We coordinated our outfits and danced the night away with our friends. It was perfect.”
“I bet there was a rockin’ after party?”
Mom laughed softly. “There was none of that back in my day.” I didn’t believe that for a second which could only mean one thing: my parents weren’t invited, or more likely, they refused to go.
“Felicity, is everything okay?” Mom switched direction. “You seem distracted lately and I’m not going to lie, baby, it’s worrying me.”
“I’m fine, Mom.” Except I can’t stop thinking about a guy. A guy I know will break my heart if I give him even half a chance.
“Don’t drop the ball now, okay?” Her expression softened. “A lot of people think once college applications are done, senior year is a chance to let your hair down. But it’s a chance to start thinking about the future, about the kind of person you want to become.”
“Got it, Mom, hair down, future.” Her words left a bitter taste in my mouth.
“You’ve been such a good girl, Felicity. Now Hailee has a boyfriend, I worry you might lose focus. The football team are a bad influence. Athletes get so much handed to them for free but real life isn’t like that.”
“Cameron is a good guy.”
“I’m sure he is, baby.” She gave me a dubious smile. “But you want more out of life than to end up as some trophy girlfriend, don’t you?”
“Whoa, slow down.” My hands went up, my eyes wide. “We’re talking about Hailee and Cameron, not me.”
Mom came over and brushed my bangs from my face. “You’re beautiful, Felicity. Inside and out, and boys will notice that. I only hope that when they do, you choose wisely.”
“Mom, I’m a teenager. We’re supposed to screw up and get it wrong occasionally.” I laughed but it came out all strangled.
“We’re Giles’, sweetie. You know what that means.” The urge to roll my eyes was strong but I remained expressionless as she said, “Planned, prepared, and punctual. That’s all you need in life.”
“Sure thing, Mom. I’m going to head upstairs and do my homework. Get a head start.”
Her face lit up. “That’s my girl. I’ll shout you when dinner is ready.”
With a small nod, I left Mom with her plans and headed for the sanctuary of my bedroom. Inside, I kicked off my shoes, grabbed the folded scrap of paper from my bag, and dropped down on the bed. My list was a mess. Nothing planned or prepared about it. But I couldn’t deny that despite my mom’s unintentional warning, Mya’s additions made my pulse race.
* * *
1. Take up a new hobby Explore alternate career paths
2. Cut class
3. Attend a pep rally - DONE
4. Skinny dip down at the lake Get a tattoo
5. Fall asleep under the stars
6. Go to a party at Asher Bennet’s house Crash a party in style
7. Drink (actual liquor) at Bell’s – OVERDONE
8. Go to Winter Formal… with a date (not a girlfriend)
9. Hook up with a random guy First time do over
10. Fall in crazy messy love (with someone NOT JF)
11. Do not fraternize with the football team!!!
Snatching my cell off the nightstand, I found her number.
Me: So my new list...
Mya: Don’t tell me you’ve already changed your mind?
Me: No, no, it’s just my mom, she’s big on being planned and prepared...
Mya: Good thing your mom isn’t the one with the list then ;)
Me: Ha-ha! Am I silly? Is this whole thing stupid?
Mya: You’re scared?
Me: My parents have my whole life mapped out for me. What if I do the list and realize their life isn’t the one I want?
Mya: I think that’s okay. Wanting to make our parents happy is perfectly normal, but not at the expense of our own hopes and dreams.
I mulled over Mya’s words, but another text came through before I could type a reply.
Mya: Did you figure out what you’re going to do yet?
Me: No…
Mya: Okay, when you were little, what did you want to be?
Me: What does this have to do with my list?
My cell started blaring, Mya’s name flashing across the screen. “Hello?” I said.
“It might seem dumb, but just hear me out, okay?”
“Fine,” I grumbled. “I’ve always loved animals, but my parents never let me get a cat or dog. They were worried about allergies and safety and all that stuff. One summer, I found a stray dog. Scrawny undernourished little thing, but it had the cutest face and I wanted it to be mine so bad. I lured it into our garden shed, gave it some blankets and food.”
“What happened?”
Sadness washed over me. “Mom found out and made me take it to the local pound. I cried for a week.” A tiny part of me was still bitter about it all these years later.
“Dogs, really? I had you down as more of a girl scout.”
“Nope. I always wanted to be veterinary doctor.”
“So start there...”
“Start where exactly?” She was making no sense.
“You’re not sure you want to follow in your parents’ footsteps, right? So you need to figure out your own path.”
“I guess.” A heavy weight settled on my chest. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She chuckled softly. “Is that your way of telling me I overstepped?
“Not at all. You’ve given me a lot to think about. Thank you.”
“Hey, what are friends for, right? I’ll see you tomorrow.”
We hung up and I stared up at the ceiling, replaying the conversation.
I’d always been the good girl. Agreeable and passive, all too willing to go along with my parents hopes and dreams for me because it was what was expected. But if senior year so far had shown me anything so far, it was that some things in life required you to take a risk. They required you to let go of all your insecurities and doubts and take a leap of faith. Maybe they would work out and maybe they wouldn’t, but at least you would know you tried.
I wanted that.
I wanted to take risks and throw caution to the wind.
I wanted to go after what I wanted. Have fun discovering a new path, one I carved for myself.
I wanted to fall head over heels in love despite everyone warning me it would only end in heartache.
God, did I want that.
But could I really do that with Jason, knowing it would never mean the same to him as it would for me?
My cell bleeped, another incoming text. I opened it eagerly expecting some more advice from Mya, but Jason’s name stared back at me.
Jason: What are you doing right now?
After typing and deleting at least three replies, I went with the truth.
Me: Lying on my bed about to start some homework.
Jason: You’re killing me, Giles. Come meet me... or better yet, I could come to you. I remember your bed... it’s comfy.
I fought a grin. To my complete surprise, Jason was turning out to be very persistent.
Me: No and no. I need to get this done and my mom is home.
Jason: Mom’s love me.
My chest squeezed at his playful words. Damn him for doing this to me, offering me glimpses of the guy I knew was hiding beneath his cool, indifferent exterior. Glimpses of a guy I knew would never surface permanently.
Me: I’m not sure my mom would.
Jason: She’s not a fan? I’m wounded.
Me: Like you don’t have enough middle-aged women fawning over you.
Jason: But I don’t want them…
My heart fluttered at his words. At everything he wasn’t saying.
Me: Goodbye, Jason. I’ll see you at school tomorrow.
Jason: You know I didn’t get to where I am without a fuck load of persistence and focus... When I want something, I go after it.
I didn�
�t text back. I didn’t know what to say. But proving himself true, another text came through.
Jason: We both know you’re going to end up under me again, Giles. Why not save us both the heartache and give in?
Me: And for a second there, you actually had me fooled. Goodbye, Jason.
He didn’t reply but it didn’t matter. The damage was already done. He’d gone and pushed the right button to piss me the hell off. But he’d also made a huge dent in my armor, and I knew if he kept it up, I wouldn’t be able to resist for much longer.
Even more alarming, I really didn’t want to.
Jason
Smirking to myself, I hit send on my latest text to Felicity.
Me: Skinny dipping in the lake?
Felicity: Are you serious? Do you know what kind of things lurk in there?
Me: I can think of a few...
I smiled, my eyes darting around the cafeteria to make sure nobody was paying me any attention.
Felicity: Behave!!!
Me: Come on, Giles, say yes. Let’s cut class and live on the wild side...
Felicity: I have study hall.
Me: Study hall? It’s senior year...
Felicity: We don’t all have a free pass to do whatever the hell we want. Unlike some people…
Me: Think of your list!
Felicity: Goodbye, Jason.
Damn, she was really playing hard to get. I thought I almost had her the other day, but then right at the last minute, she’d pulled the rug out from under me. I wasn’t used to working so hard for a girl. But Felicity wasn’t just any girl. A fact I could finally admit to myself without breaking out in a cold sweat.
I risked peeking over at where she, Hailee, and Mya sat at their usual table. “Looking for me?” Jenna’s hand slid over my eyes, her lips grazing my cheek. I peeled her fingers away and glanced up at her.
“What the fuck was that?”
She reeled back, indignation flaring in her eyes. “What, I can’t say hello now?” Flicking her silky blonde hair over one shoulder, she sat down next to me.
“That wasn’t hello; that was you marking your territory.”
“Don’t be such a drama queen. It was one little kiss; we’ve done much more than that in public before.”