You may wonder what chapters on infertility are doing in a book for people who haven’t even started trying. Don’t worry. These chapters won’t jinx you, and you can just skip over them. Although listening to your friends or chatting online may have convinced you otherwise, most people don’t have fertility problems (the statistics are one out of six couples) even though it may take several months or even a year to get pregnant. So you can breeze right past those pages and use the rest of the book for decision-making and planning.
I have included information about fertility and adoption because I know that some of my readers are currently in treatment and are using my decision-making techniques to decide among treatment alternatives. Others are at the tail end of fertility treatment and use this book to help them decide to stop treatment and move on to adoption, pregnancy alternatives such a donor egg or surrogacy, or childfree living. Still other readers have no history or specific expectations of fertility problems, but because of their ages, they don’t want to even consider trying for a baby without knowing something about the next steps if they have trouble. They may decide to try, but rule out strong drugs or invasive treatments. After knowing what’s involved, they may want to go straight to adoption or childfree living and avoid the fertility roller-coaster altogether.
Are you undergoing fertility treatment or have you in the past? You can use this book, including Chapter 2, “Secret Doors” to clarify what appeals to you about parenthood, and in light of this, to consider which alternatives might meet your needs. For instance, if being a parent is more important to you than genetics or pregnancy, adoption could be a solution that puts an end to the stress of fertility treatment. If no alternative methods such as donor insemination or donor egg appeal to you, then the childfree choice might be an answer, even if right now, you cannot even imagine that could be a tolerable, much less satisfactory choice. While it is hard to consider the childfree choice after working so hard to have a child, it could wind up making sense later on. The bibliography includes readings that specifically address the needs of those who choose childfree after infertility, including my article, “Childfree Decision-Making” available at www.resolve.org. I also talk about this in the childfree section of this book.
If you are struggling with infertility, I also want to acknowledge that you may be frustrated as you read The Baby Decision to realize that some people who might be able to conceive or carry a pregnancy easily may choose to be childfree while your choices are more limited. Nevertheless, I have tried to structure the book in a way that may offer you healing, connection, and guidance. I hope this helps you move forward.
Even with a map in hand, exploring new territory can be frightening, especially since no map can illustrate every rock and pebble in your path. Therefore, it’s helpful to scout out the territory first to get a bird’s-eye view of what’s to come. That’s what this chapter is all about.
The questions in this chapter are those most frequently asked by couples when they first consider the baby question. And I’ve discovered that unless these issues are covered immediately, readers are too tense or worried to venture out. It is hard to make a decision if you don’t know what to expect or how to proceed. This chapter, therefore, provides some basic and necessary guidelines: who should make the decision; how to get rid of a sense of panic; why a wrong decision won’t ruin your life. After all, forewarned is forearmed. So use this chapter to gain some necessary perspective before delving into the decision-making process itself.
Is This a Woman’s Decision?
“I don’t want Walter to come to your workshop,” Martha, a feminist client says to me. “I don’t think I could discuss my feelings honestly.”
“Sooner or later every woman faces the question of whether or not to have a baby” (emphasis mine)
—Publisher’s Weekly
This is not a book for women. It is a book for people, male and female, single or coupled, gay or straight who are contemplating parenthood. A common problem for traditional male-female couples occurs when a woman assumes that she should have the biggest say in the baby decision.
Without realizing it, they may be holding onto the traditional assumption that mothering is more important than fathering—that women are necessarily more involved in parenting. And yet these women may be resentful when their partners don’t assume their fair share of the child-care burdens. Shared investment in the decision paves the way for shared investment in parenting. On bad days, you don’t want to hear, “This wasn’t my idea.” Lesbian and gay couples may run into similar conflicts if one partner is planning to be the primary parent but wants their mate to commit to sharing child care and housework.
Most single parents by choice don’t decide in a vacuum either. They use trusted family or friends as sounding boards. These members of your “village” are not only useful in helping you talk through your decision, but also potential providers of physical and psychological support to you and your child. Offers to help may naturally follow if you include these people in your decision-making process. Of course, I’m not suggesting that you pretend to ask for decision-making help in hope of offers of support! (In this case, ask for help directly, and closer to the time of adoption or birth.) I am just trying to make the point that in general, it’s best to include partners or other trusted helpers in your decision-making.
Even if a woman chooses to remain childfree and her partner goes along with her wish, a decision made independently still buys into the sexist notion that children “belong” to the female world in the same way that work “belongs” to the male world. In the past, when motherhood was a woman’s primary source of identity and prestige, this assumption had some validity. Because most women stayed at home to care for their children while men worked, they were more involved in parenting. But now that women are also meeting career needs, they are becoming more aware of the difficulties of combining motherhood with a career and demanding their partner’s involvement.
The importance of both members of the couple having a voice in the decision applies to gay couples, too. If one gay spouse is especially adamant about remaining childfree, the other partner, despite a willingness to grant the partner’s wish, still needs to take stock of their personal decision and share that in a couple conversation. The person who would have preferred to have a child needs the other person’s compassion and appreciation (see Chapter 6, “Tug-of-War”.)
How to Get Your Hand Off the Panic Button
Because this issue often generates a lot of anxiety and tension, many couples make their decision about having a child prematurely simply because a decision—any decision—relieves their sense of panic. But hasty decisions are not always good decisions. The calmer you are, the better the chance that you will make the right choice. So give yourself time to read, relax, and daydream. The following guidelines may help.
1. Ask yourself why you’re in such a hurry to decide. Do any of these statements strike a chord?
You can’t stand uncertainty about your future. Or you can’t stand your own inner conflict. In either case, you feel desperate to decide quickly to end your discomfort.
Based on your age, you’re afraid that if you don’t start trying immediately you may never get pregnant.
Because panic is a catchable “disease,” you have become infected with your friends’ sense of urgency.
You’re leaning toward the childfree choice, and you’re afraid that if you don’t decide now, you’ll change your mind and be sorry later.
You’re leaning toward parenthood, and you’re afraid you’ll have trouble getting pregnant. Even though you are not yet sure that a baby is the best choice, you won’t relax until you get a positive slip from a lab.
You know what you want. Your partner seems open to your choice but is wavering. You want to finalize the decision before your partner considers reversing it.
2. Jump off the “must-decide-today” treadmill. All these pressures stem from your feelings, not from the facts. It’s not a bio
logical time bomb but an emotional time bomb that is threatening to explode within you. Keep reminding yourself that you don’t have to decide now. Even if you’re in your late thirties, you can probably still have a baby.
3. Give yourself permission to be anxious. “Anxiety tells you that something important is about to happen,” says Dr. Glenn Larson, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Nashville, TN. Of course you are anxious. You are making one of the most important decisions of your life. Anxiety indicates that you’re taking the process seriously. In fact, moderate anxiety can be useful because it encourages you to work on the decision. It’s only extreme anxiety that gets in the way, and you can reduce your anxiety level.
4. Turn your anxiety into excitement. Excitement is the flip side of anxiety. Instead of trying to escape it, try to get closer. Is there a part of you that is stirred by the baby question? A part of you that is eager to learn more about yourself and to put these bits of knowledge to work for you? A part that’s curious to know what the final decision will be? Try to imagine how good you will feel when you have made the decision. Visualize the joy of having a child or living creatively without children.
5. Give yourself permission to be uncertain. In the name of no-nonsense decisiveness, a lot of nonsense is committed. You will have to live with the consequences of your decision for the rest of your life, so it’s reasonable to take as much time as you need for decision-making. It’s fine to make a quick decision about buying a car or taking a job. You can always decide just as quickly to sell or quit, but a baby decision can’t be reversed. The amount of attention given a decision should be in proportion to the seriousness of its consequences.
6. Try to keep your sense of humor. A light touch is always helpful when you’re facing a heavy question.
Ed and Mary, who collect antique glass, joke about whether they’ll be buying old lady’s bottles or new baby’s bottles next year.
Cathy and Steve laugh at the idea of themselves rocking by the fire in their 60s and still debating whether they want a child.
Spending time with friends who are also tossing around the decision may help you lighten up.
7. Tell yourself that you will make a good decision. Shut off that raspy voice that says you are going to blow it and live with regret for the rest of your life. If you think through your decision carefully, you will be relatively satisfied with your choice. Rest assured that your intelligence, imagination, and courage will lead you to a good decision. And knowing that you will have some regrets – no matter what – may quiet the voice.
8. Don’t compare yourself to other couples who decided quickly. They may have decided prematurely, or they may have made a poor decision. And even if they claim to have decided in a matter of days or even on one special night, if it’s a good decision, they probably worked on it for weeks, months, or years. Perhaps they didn’t have constant discussions, but in the backs of their minds, they had probably been considering the question for a long time.
Deciding Under Emergency Circumstances
In some cases, of course, a sense of panic is generated by more than emotional pressure. There are two circumstances in which a decision is a genuine emergency:
1. You have an unplanned pregnancy, and you have to decide whether to continue it.
2. You have an illness or a condition that is worsening, and your doctor tells you that with each month you wait: (a) your chance of conceiving lessens; (b) the probability increases of having surgery that would compromise your fertility; (c) the likelihood of serious complications arising from a pregnancy increases; or (d) your health may be threatened by the delay in treatment.
If either of these situations applies to you, try to keep your wits about you. You’ll make a wiser decision if you’re calm. Even though you have to decide quickly, you don’t have to decide in the next five minutes. Don’t give in to the temptation to pick a decision, any decision, just to end the crisis. Taking a day or two could mean the difference between a desperate guess and wise choice.
You may not have several months, but you certainly do have a few days or maybe even a week or two to think things over. You (and your partner) may want to take time off from work to allow yourself time and energy for decision-making. As a preliminary step, try fighting off feelings of panic by meditating, deep breathing, running, swimming, or doing whatever exercise or activity helps you relax. Then, take the time to do the exercises in this book. They will help you uncover your deepest feelings about children. They’ll also help you consider the compatibility of children with your other goals and values.
In the case of a medical problem:
Ask your physician to give you a full explanation of your condition, how it impinges on your childbearing potential, and the risks involved in delaying motherhood.
Read lay literature on your condition. Take into consideration the source of the information. Is it from a vetted website such as The Mayo Clinic or The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM)? Be wary of sources funded by pharmaceutical or medical device companies or blogs, which may include misinformation.
Get a second opinion. Does the consultant also consider the decision an emergency? Are there other possibilities, contingencies, or treatments your doctor didn’t mention that may make sense to try before undergoing the intervention recomended by your doctor?
Finally, whether your problem is an unplanned pregnancy or a medical condition, consider counseling to help you make your decision. If the first person you consult is not understanding and unbiased, seek out another counselor. (See Chapter 12, “Help!” and the Resources section in the Appendix for suggestions on finding help.)
How Long Is Too Long?
For some couples, however, haste isn’t the problem. They’ve given themselves plenty of time to make a decision, but the right choice continues to elude them. If this problem sounds familiar, you may be wondering if it’s possible to spend too much time on your decision. Ask yourself another question: “How do I feel?” Do you feel that you are using the time constructively, growing, and moving slowly but surely toward resolution? Can you and your partner tell each other, “Even if we don’t know or don’t agree, at least we’re sharing something important with each other”? If your feelings are generally positive, don’t worry. Quality of thinking, not speed, is what counts most in decision-making.
However, if you feel that you’re caught on a treadmill, getting angrier and more frustrated, caught in a non-decision to agonize, then you’re probably not using the time wisely or well. The same applies if you never talk about the decision and even find excuses not to talk at arranged times.
Will the Wrong Decision Ruin Your Life?
This question is often uppermost in many potential parents’ minds. My answer: probably not, for two reasons:
1. How you make your decision and how you apply it to your life may be as important to your future happiness as the decision itself.
Let’s look at two couples:
Don and Cindy got married because they liked telling each other their troubles. Cindy cries on Don’s shoulder about the discrimination she runs up against as the only woman executive at her bank. Don dumps all his wrath at the school board for banning his booklist on outsider fiction in his high school classroom at Cindy’s feet. Everyone needs support. But if you are to be happy, you have to move beyond support in order to find solutions. Don and Cindy, it seems, would rather wallow in the mud than make mud pies. They discuss the baby decision seven nights a week. It invades every aspect of their lives. It has crawled into bed during lovemaking. It has toddled around the restaurant table when they tried to celebrate Cindy’s birthday. Now, instead of wailing about the unfairness of their co-workers, they wail about the unfairness of decision-making when the outcome is unknown. They view parenthood as an albatross pulling them down; childfree living as a free-floating emptiness. If they decide to remain childfree, they will spend an endless amount of time reassuring themselves that they have made the right decisi
on. Then, when Cindy is past childbearing age, they will engage in long breast-beating sessions, bemoaning their supposed selfishness, envying their friends with children, and cursing the childfree proponents who “misled” them. If, on the other hand, they decide to have a child, they will spend nine months worrying about birth defects and their parenting abilities. Will they be relieved when they have a healthy baby and find they can cope with it? No! They will simply transfer their worries to parenting.
No matter what Don and Cindy do, they will not enjoy themselves. The power tools of decision-making will slip right through their fingers. They are so threatened by the question “What do you want?” that they won’t let themselves answer it. Each tries to second-guess the other, coming up with the decision s/he thinks the partner wants. For Don and Cindy, this opportunity to grow merely becomes an opportunity to be unhappy in a new way.
Ruth and Phil are just as uncertain about children as Don and Cindy are, but the question excites them. They are having trouble deciding because they anticipate deep pleasure from either choice. They’re enjoying the opportunity to learn about themselves and each other in new ways. The closeness they feel as they discuss this intimate issue is enhancing an already good relationship. If Ruth and Phil remain childfree, they will work with the preschoolers instead of the adults in the environmental center where they volunteer. Ruth will have plenty of time to study yoga and ballet. Phil will be able to climb mountains and grow vegetables to his heart’s content. If they become parents, they will be thrilled with the thousands of ways children unfold. For a while, they’ll have to gear down on work and outside interests, but they will do so willingly, aware that in a few years, their child will go to school and hang out with friends, allowing them to gear up again. These stories are, of course, exaggerated to emphasize the differences between these couples and their approach to life. As you work on this decision, you will find that you have some of Don and Cindy’s destructive fear and some of Ruth and Phil’s constructive openness. But you can use Ruth and Phil for inspiration, realizing that a generally positive approach to life could contribute to your happiness regardless of the decision you make.
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