Fortunately, you are unlikely to give into thoughts like Alan’s or Kathleen’s, but noticing any similar thoughts can call your attention to unfinished business you will want to take care of. To spring the parental trap, you have to work toward genuine individuation by taking a trip back home, either literally or figuratively, and looking at your relationship with your parents as honestly as possible. Do you act like an adult when you’re with them, or do you fall into old behavior patterns? When they raise doubts or criticize you, do you immediately get angry and start to yell as you did when you were an adolescent or do you turn into a subservient child? Can you discuss the matter in a calm, reasonable way? Have you stopped to consider what you want? Are you aware of the differences—and similarities— between you and your parents? It can be helpful to enlist aid from a therapist or friend. They may help you rehearse what to say and brainstorm responses to your parents’ criticisms.
Consider following these steps toward individuation:
1. Talk to your parents about their lives, their relationship with each other, and their parents. Try to focus on emotions, not just facts. If Dad quit high school when his father died, how did he feel about it? Share some of your own feelings. This can be a wonderful way to venture beyond chitchat to the deeper feelings that often go unexpressed between parent and child.
2. Spend time with each parent separately (“Let’s just the two of us go out for coffee”). Relate to each parent as a distinct individual, not just half of an indeterminate blob known as “my parents.”
3. Try to recognize when a conversation seems to be a replay of old family scripts. Can you think of a time in your adulthood, when you were having what seemed to be a reasonable adult conversation, but then one parent said something that hit a sore spot? In that case, without even knowing it was coming, you may find yourself snapping and retorting like an angry teenager. Take the example of Todd and Christine:
One evening Todd and Christine told his parents they didn’t know if they would ever have children. Todd’s mother asked: “How could you be so selfish?”
Todd pounded his fist on the dinner table and shouted: “You hypocrite! Don’t you realize how selfish you are to insist on grandchildren?”
Todd fell into a time-worn pattern of answering his mother’s accusation with an even stormier accusation. The end result of such a pattern is that nobody listens and nobody learns.
Hard as it is try to listen calmly and explain your thinking, make an effort to hold a conversation between the two adults you now are instead of between the parent and child you used to be.
If you’re not ready to take these steps or if your parents are deceased, try the chair dialogue described in Chapter 2, “Secret Doors.” Act out a conversation between you and your parents, playing yourself and each of your parents in turn. Even if they are still living, practicing these dialogues alone might give you enough insight and courage to risk an actual dialogue with your parents.
Before you start any serious discussions about the baby question, try to remember how you and your parents used to handle conflicts. What techniques did they use with you? Were they productive, counterproductive, or a mixture? What were your reactions and counter techniques? Use this information to avoid falling into destructive patterns that may have become habits over the years. Focus on the effective techniques, avoid the manipulative or ineffective ones, and watch for familiar manipulations on their part. Bear in mind, however, that you and your parents are different people now and that more open and authentic ways of relating may be possible. They too may have changed.
Defying parental expectations is not easy, but if you know what you’re dealing with and what kind of changes you want to make, you can benefit from the experience. In fact, as the following story illustrates, these conversations can promote personal growth by giving you the chance to improve your relationship with your parents and overcome your need for their approval.
David and Marilyn almost had a baby they didn’t want. “We were afraid of disappointing our parents,” David said recently. “We had always been model children. After getting straight A’s in high school and college, we went to medical school just as our parents had hoped. Until the baby decision, it was easy to do what they wanted because we had always wanted the same things. Without questioning our motivations, we agreed that Marilyn would go off the pill when we finished our residencies. But fortunately, she didn’t get pregnant right away. Instead, she got headaches, and I had nightmares. We asked ourselves why and concluded that we didn’t really want children. We had just wanted to please our parents. We decided it was time to start asking what would please us.”
“It was scary to tell our parents about our decision,” Marilyn added. “We were tempted to pretend we had a fertility problem. But that was the coward’s way out. So we told them. All four of them were shocked and angry. They tried to make us feel guilty. It would have been very easy to just stop talking to them.
“But the weird thing is, we have better relationships with both sets of parents than ever before,” said Marilyn. “We took on my parents one week and David’s the next. We listened while they told us why they felt we should have children. And they listened while we explained why we don’t want them. We were able to empathize with their disappointment about not having a grandchild. We still don’t see eye-to-eye, but at least we’re beginning to accept one another. I feel like a real grownup for the first time in my life.”
If you’re willing to take the risks David and Marilyn took, you may be surprised to discover that your parents are capable of making some changes, too. While disappointed in your decision, they may appreciate that your cared enough about them to discuss this important matter with them. Also, you may develop a new appreciation for your parents in the process. As you consider the responsibilities and sacrifices involved in parenting, you may come to realize just how tough the job is and how much credit they deserve for doing it, even if imperfectly! Once they get used to your decision and recognize that you are enjoying your childfree life, they may become more accepting.
The Family Tree
Family pressure doesn’t necessarily have to be overt. Even if your parents are silent on the baby issue, you may still be influenced by family attitudes and values, often in ways you don’t consciously recognize. According to Mel Roman, a noted family therapist and professor of psychiatry at Albert Einstein College of Medicine:
We are all rooted to a vast underground network of family relationships, family patterns, family rules and roles . . . and we carry this network into any new family we form. We tend to overlook the power of the past in the choices we make and to underestimate the ease with which we fall into old patterns of behavior. But it is not desirable to be bound to the past in destructive ways. In examining the family context that we have inherited from our families . . . we can attempt to separate the aspects of our past that can be put aside as old business from the useful aspects that can become new business in our current families.
Such an examination is especially important in the context of the baby decision. For when we think about becoming parents, we can’t help associating ourselves with our own parents, and long-buried resentments and feelings about parents, children, and family relationships may get in the way of your current decision-making.
An Unhappy Childhood
Some people are reluctant to become parents themselves because they have such negative feelings about their own parents and the way they were raised. “I only visit my parents out of duty,” said one man considering fatherhood. “I can’t stand the thought that my children would ever feel that way about me.”
If you’re worried that you’re choosing the childfree choice because your childhood soured you on family life, consider how and why you were unhappy and what you felt you missed. If your parents weren’t affectionate, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll carry on the pattern with your own child. Perhaps your parents did indeed give you love in their fashion. Perhaps it simply wasn’
t enough for you, or perhaps you couldn’t deal with the conditions, rejections, or put-downs that went along with it. Maybe someone else, an older sibling, a beloved teacher, a favorite aunt or neighbor gave you the love you missed from one or both parents. Whatever the circumstances, it’s important to recognize:
The source of your ability to love. Who made it possible for you to be affectionate with your partner or friends? Focus on that person or persons and build on those warm feelings. These may serve as a foundation for nurturing your child. Can you think of ways that you nurture your partner, cuddle with your niece, or mentor a younger person at work? Such awareness may increase your confidence. If you have trouble thinking about this, ask some people you trust if and how they have found you nurturing.
The possibility of parenting as a way of healing. Although the act of providing your child with love and security won’t heal your difficult childhood, it can be very comforting, especially if you have had a chance to work on your past with a caring professional. Just be prepared for some wistfulness as you realize, as Jen did, after patiently helping her child wipe up a spill, “My parents would yell and humiliate me when I made mistakes. They would never have treated me so kindly.” Such moments are bittersweet. There is the bitterness of the recollection mixed with the sweetness of breaking the generational pattern for your child’s benefit.
Obviously, a look back at your childhood is important, but you should not judge your ability to parent solely on the quality of your childhood or your relationship with your parents. Even if you hate your parents, that doesn’t mean your children will hate you. You don’t necessarily have to repeat their mistakes. If you enjoy parenting, respect your child, foster her independence, and avoid your parents’ errors, your children will probably feel very differently about you. The point is that unless you assess the impact of your past on your present life, you won’t have enough information to make a thoughtful and rational decision.
Take a few minutes to sit comfortably and ask yourself if there any ways that your decision may be influenced by your parents’ behavior. Are there ways to free yourself from this? You may also want to think about how society, pregnancy, and parenting have changed for the better and worse since your parents raised you.
My Parents/Myself
People considering the baby question often fear that as soon as the baby is born, they’ll turn into their parents, losing themselves and their independence. This is a more common fear for women, but men can have it, too. This fear may be based on observing a sibling or friend who was independent before the baby’s birth but who has slipped into their parents’ behavior or attitudes somehow.
Lois managed, with help, to recognize and break out of the trap. A management consultant with a good marriage and three children, she confessed that she was very smug about being superwoman. “I thought I was showing up my so-called incompetent mother,” she said. “When she had me, Mom gave up teaching to change diapers. Not me! I continued teaching at the university and hired a housekeeper to change diapers. Mom never had any time to herself. Not me! I took one night a week as my special time all to myself. For months I thought I had all the answers, then suddenly I had to ask myself why I seemed to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
“In therapy I discovered that while the stage was different, the play was the same. My mother was a martyr at home; I divided my martyrdom between office and home. Mom put herself out to make the perfect dinner. I put myself out to make the perfect presentation. This was a sobering realization that made me look at both the strengths and the weaknesses that my mother and I share. It was only after acknowledging this that I was able to change my life. I cut down on my workload, stopped trying to entertain like Martha Stewart, and insisted that my husband and kids do housework.”
Are you afraid of turning into your parents once you have a child? What did they do or fail to do that you would like to correct in raising your child? You can increase your chance of success by observing family or friends whose parenting styles you like, attending parenting classes, and asking your partner, friends, or therapist for support and feedback. The point is to make the best choice for you regardless of your parents’ choices or parenting ability.
My Mother/My Wife
Some people are less concerned about losing their own identity than about losing their partner’s attention. When they think about their husband or wife as a parent, they become terrified because they associate their partner with their own parents. If their parent was unhappy or struggled with raising them, they may worry that the same thing will happen to their partner. It is helpful to recognize and talk about this. Such conversations can make you feel more confident in your own future as a childrearing couple.
Lynn, a management consultant at a prestigious firm, terrified Fred when she announced her plans to take a year off to stay home with the baby. When they’d originally agreed to have a child, Lynn had intended to continue business as usual. Now three months pregnant, she is knitting a blanket while chatting happily about the year she’s going to take off. Fred is terrified. Is this pregnant stranger an alien or still the Lynn he married?
Fred admitted he sometimes wished Lynn wasn’t pregnant. He knew that his mother, a frustrated actress, had hated motherhood. She had poisoned his childhood with daily doses of “If it wasn’t for you . . .” Now, he’s confusing his wife with his mother. He’s afraid, on some subconscious level, that Lynn will turn against him, blame him, as his mother did, for ruining her life.
The only way to overcome this kind of fear is by bringing it out into the open and discussing it. Lynn has to help Fred realize that her personality, her coping skills, and her career choice are very different from his mother’s. Also, his fear can be put to good use, encouraging him to plan to prevent motherhood from being such a terrible burden for Lynn.
Too many people working on the baby decision forget to go home, to explore their own past, often because they’re afraid to discover that in ways they neither understand nor control, they’re still not quite grown. But, as you’ve seen, the baby decision can be a unique opportunity to work on individuation and develop a genuinely adult and authentic relationship with your parents. By examining some of these subtle doubts and fears, you can come to terms with your past and put aside old business. And by acknowledging the similarities between you and your parents, you can begin to appreciate the real differences.
Even if your parents have disappointed you by their response or lack of response, you know you made your best effort. You can let go of trying to win their approval and focus on your own decision.
Friends and Other Meddlers
In the past, only the childfree-choice raised eyebrows and elicited unwanted and even obnoxious comments about selfishness or immaturity. Some typical comments: “You’re not a real grown-up until you have kids.” “You’ll change your minds.” “There’s more to life than beach vacations.” Now, we’ve added a new prejudice to our repertoire. The fact is, no matter what you choose, you’re bound to receive some flak. If you choose parenthood, some childfree friends will ask, “Why you are giving up your freedom for such a thankless job.”
Ironically, depending on what crowd you’re with at the time, you may hear the very same accusation followed by a slightly different rationale. As the following choruses indicate, identical prejudices can be twisted to fit the perspectives of either group.
Parent Chorus: Childfree people are immature. They don’t want to grow up and accept the parenting role.
Childfree Chorus: Parents are immature. They just have children to please their parents or partner.
Parent Chorus: Childfree people are irresponsible. They want all the pleasure but none of the burdens of adult life.
Childfree Chorus: Parents are irresponsible. They just have kids because they feel like it. They don’t stop to ask if they’ll be good parents or if the earth has room for their offspring.
Parent Chorus: Childfree people are narcissistic.
Any mentally healthy adult would reproduce.
Childfree Chorus: Parents are narcissistic. They force their kids to be extensions of themselves.
Parent Chorus: Childfree people are selfish. They don’t want to do anything for anybody else.
Childfree Chorus: Parents are selfish. They only think about themselves and their kids. They don’t care about wider issues.
Parent Chorus: Childfree people are afraid to take risks. They’re scared to let go of the status quo.
Childfree Chorus: Parents are afraid to take risks. They become parents only because they can’t resist other people’s pressures.
Parent Chorus: Childfree people will regret their decision later. Someday they’ll wake up to realize they’re all alone in the world.
Childfree Chorus: Parents will regret their decision later. Someday they’ll wake up to realize they sacrificed everything for kids who don’t even visit them.
Ridiculous as this sounds, unless your family and friends are models of tact and understanding, you’re bound to hear some of this. That’s why it’s important to learn assertive ways to deal with pressure before you’ve even made your decision. After all, how can you even think of jumping off the baby bandwagon if you think your loved ones will jump all over you? Will you be comfortable going to the gynecologist if your friends think you need a psychiatrist? Knowing how to respond assertively makes it clear that you are the final judge. But before we delve into the specific techniques, let’s take a look at what’s behind the flak.
The “Babies Are Wonderful” Crowd
Why does the selfish childfree stereotype persist despite research evidence and clinical experience to the contrary? Why do parents continue to pressure nonparents? Friends and family who are raising children may be smug or critical as they try to sell you on having a child. What is going on? How can they be so off-base? Why don’t they get who you are and respect your sound decision? Here are a few reasons:
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