MELISSA: I see, you’re afraid that having a baby means having to let go of a career.
Notice the phrase “you’re afraid.” Melissa has shifted the focus from herself to Amanda. She can now say, “You may feel that a baby means the end of a career, but I don’t see it that way.”
Let’s look at another conversation:
ANDREW: You can’t mean you’ll never have a child! I’m really upset to hear you say that.
DAN: What is it about my being childfree that bothers you?
ANDREW: I’m afraid you’ll regret it later when you’re older.
DAN: I see. You believe that people without children end up being sorry.
ANDREW: I do.
DAN: You enjoy fatherhood so much; I can see how you would have regretted not having children. But I believe I would regret having them.
Don’t burn your fingers on a hot potato question or statement. Throw it back to the cook! Remember, people who are comfortable with their choice have no reason to be uncomfortable with yours. And don’t worry about hurting their feelings when you throw their remarks back at them. They haven’t worried about hurting you. Don’t insult or psychoanalyze them; just tell them how the pressure makes you feel and find out what feelings prompted the push. If you think they mean well, you can say, “I know you’re trying to help, but I don’t think you understand how my choice is different from yours.”
Awareness
This may be used by itself or as a follow-up to the “Why does it matter to you?” technique. Ask the person how he or she came to believe that one choice was better than the other.
Explain
This technique is useful only when you care about the speaker, want her to understand, and believe that she’ll make her best effort to do so.
An explanation should be:
Short and sweet
Non-defensive and specific
I-focused—emphasizing what you feel and what you want; eliminating criticism of the other, especially saying, “You’re conservative,” “You’re bigoted,” etc.
Always keep in mind that you’re not obligated to explain yourself. You’re choosing to explain your reasons to this particular person and you can choose to stop midstream if the person launches an offensive. Here are some examples.
Richard talks to his parents about the childfree choice:
“Because you’re my parents, it’s important to me that you understand. Kate and I think we’d be bad parents because we’d resent the children. We both travel a lot for our political work and our jobs. We feel we’ll contribute more to society by being enthusiastic workers than we ever could as reluctant parents.”
Emily talks to Sarah about parenthood:
“Sarah, I know you don’t think I should have a baby, but because you’re my best friend, I want to tell you why. At night when I meditate, I see myself holding and nursing a baby. I want a baby so much it hurts. Web designers are in demand, and I’ve looked into opportunities to freelance. Bob’s going to gear down, too. I feel I can meet my need to be a mother and a person too.”
After the explanation, be prepared for the other person’s response. If he or she continues to attack, use the “Why does it matter to you?” technique. Don’t let yourself or the meddler forget the issue of individuality. No decision is right for everyone. The two of you are different people, and it is hardly surprising that some of your choices are different. You might even discuss why each of you has made a different choice. Is it possible that these personality differences attracted you and your friend to each other in the first place?
Sometimes, a “meddler” can point out issues you hadn’t really thought about and taking a deep breath and pondering their comments might actually be useful for your decision.
Samantha saw Taylor as so career-committed that she couldn’t imagine her becoming a mother. Taylor listened carefully to Samantha and decided she’d better do some more soul-searching and establish herself in her career before making a final decision one way or the other.
Corey felt uneasy about her younger brother Dan’s decision to have a vasectomy at age twenty-nine, after just one year of marriage.
“Dan, do you really know what you’re doing? I’ve seen the light in your eyes when you wrestle with Ethan [Corey’s toddler]. Shouldn’t you give yourself a few years?”
Dan had to agree he was in too much of a hurry. He was terrified of abusing a child as his father had abused him or getting his wife pregnant accidentally. A vasectomy offered a guaranteed end to a cycle of misery. But he did enjoy children, and he’d had an aunt and uncle who were very warm and loving toward him. Maybe another way to break the pattern would be to become a good father to his own child. He decided to postpone the procedure for a few more years to give himself and his wife more time to consider their plans.
It’s important to discern the difference between inappropriate pressure and:
Advice that is astute, open, friendly, and offered in a way that you can take or leave.
Advice or thoughts from a person merely sharing his own values, rather than pushing them on you.
Devil’s Advocate Technique
Turn the tables. Twist someone’s argument to fit your own choice. For example, if someone says you’re selfish to plan not to have children, tell him, “Well, that’s all the more reason to stay childfree, isn’t it? Because selfish people make lousy parents.” The same argument works as well for labels such as immature, neurotic, and unhappy.
Refuse to Talk About It
This is a technique that pushes the listener away from you. Use it when:
1.You don’t like or trust the person. You just want them to shut up.
2.You have tried to explain your decision and met with a deaf ear.
Simply say, “I don’t care to discuss this,” or more bluntly, “I’m not going to talk about this anymore.” Or “You know, we’ve tried talking about this before, and we never get anywhere. It’s time to kill the topic.”
You Are Not Alone
Enlist someone else’s help in coping with pressure. Ask your partner or a friend to play a supporting role, but don’t let them take the lead. This is your act, and you will feel more prepared for the confrontation if you roleplay yourself.
You can also use a partner, a friend, a counselor, or a workshop group to roleplay ways to deal with pressure. This gives you a chance to hone your skills before you confront the person.
“Which Technique Should I Use?”
To choose the best assertiveness technique for a given pressure, you should consider:
Your own personality. What’s comfortable for you?
The other person’s personality. Which technique is most likely to succeed with this particular person?
Your desired goal. Do you want this person to open up or shut up?
Your relationship with the other person. How close is it? Do you want to make it more distant by dodging or silence, or closer by having a meaningful dialogue?
How firm is your decision? Will pressure only get in the way or could it help test your commitment?
Could this person help you with your decision? Has this person been a good listener or advisor in the past? If so, maybe you should listen to what they have to say even if it temporarily increases your doubt. Dealing with their comments may help you solidify your decision.
Is There an End in Sight for the Childfree?
As a final note of comfort, meddlers do give up and go home after a while. According to sociologist Jean Veevers in Childless by Choice:
This social pressure seems to reach a peak for both husbands and wives during the third and fourth years of marriage—after sufficient time has passed for children to be “expected” but before the couple has learned to deal skillfully with (or avoid) their social detractors.
So if you do decide to remain childfree, there will be less pressure as time goes on, and you’ll be more skilled at handling it.
However, there a
re some drawbacks to presenting family and friends with a fait accompli. For one thing, they just might have some helpful comments or insights. They might even surprise you and support your choice to be childfree. Or their questions may help convince you that it’s the right choice. In fact, telling a few people about your leanings and finding out how well you handle their reactions may give you the confidence you need to make the childfree choice. Finally, dealing with the meddlers can be a useful way of gauging the stability and progress of your decision. The firmer your decision, the easier it will be to let others’ comments roll off your back.
You can avoid some pressure by not bringing up the issue and only responding if someone brings it up. Before you have made the decision, choose only people you trust to be sounding boards. It will be easier to announce and defend your decision when you have given that decision some time to jell. You will withstand criticism or persuasion better when you are more confident.
Most of us like to think of ourselves as rational individuals, able to separate fact from fancy when we make a decision. And in most instances we can do just that. When a salesperson or real estate agent extols the virtues of a particular car or home, we take their inflated claims with a grain of salt, nodding politely while we mentally total up the pluses as well as the minuses. After all, we’re too sophisticated to believe everything we’re told
But, unfortunately, we may not be as sophisticated when it comes to the baby decision. Often, we tend to believe everything we’re told about the virtues and/or horrors of parenthood, forgetting that we’re being subjected to just as much salesmanship in this regard; we forget primarily because the salesperson is society at large.
Before the availability of contraception, people who were sexually active did not have a choice. Even after contraceptives became available people generally thought of them as controlling when, not if, they became parents. Parenthood was considered one of life’s most fulfilling experiences, one that everyone should have at least if they were healthy, employed, and in a good relationship.
Today, many of us believe that giving birth is tantamount to fighting a war, a war that will deprive us of peace, tranquility, sleep, and personal satisfaction. In the wake of these two extreme views comes a whole flood of murky beliefs that we need to question. I call them “poison vials” because by polluting your mind they seriously hinder good decision-making. In this chapter, we’re going to hold these beliefs up to the bright light of reality so you can make a rational decision.
Poison Vials About Parenthood
“Infancy lasts forever.” People who are frightened by the endless demands of a dependent infant tend to imagine a perpetual, child-rearing hell. In their view, once a baby always a baby. Actually when it comes to infants, what you see is not what you get, at least not for very long. Children get older, a little more independent, and sometimes easier. Few parents would even think about having a baby, if their child would stay an infant for his entire life.
“I know I would resent giving up my freedom, and that means I shouldn’t become a parent.” Every parent resents the loss of freedom at times. Who wouldn’t prefer a trip to Europe to a trip to the pediatrician? Who wouldn’t rather listen to pure Mozart than Mozart adulterated by a toddler’s wails? Happy parents aren’t people who feel no resentment. They’re the ones who live with the resentment because, on their parenthood scale, the pleasures outweigh the suffering, and generally, they are also people who had already anticipated the resentment before becoming parents. They didn’t make the choice while puffing on pipe-dreams of perfect parenthood. They knew there would be times when they would fume with resentment and other times they would be laughing, playing and cuddling. They also knew that as their children grew so would their freedom.
So the question to ask while working on the baby decision is not whether you would resent giving up your freedom. Of course you would. The question is, how much would you resent a child? If you value and want a child, you will be able to handle the resentment.
“I should only become a parent if I’m one hundred percent sure that’s what I want.” Children are never one hundred percent wanted because their parents are humans who, by definition, never want anything one hundred percent. We humans are ambivalent because we’re aware of other possibilities, because we know we’re giving up one thing to have another. Remember that “decide” means to “cut away from.” Who doesn’t have qualms about getting up in the middle of the night? Who wouldn’t question the wisdom of an eighteen-year commitment, no returns, no refunds, no guarantees?
Don’t expect total certainty. In fact, if you don’t have any doubts about parenthood, that would be cause for concern because it might mean you have unrealistic expectations about the joys of parenthood and your ability to be the perfect parent.
Two important factors in preparing for parenthood are forming realistic expectations and accepting ambivalence. By recognizing and accepting your own conflict and sharing it with your partner, you will move toward a stronger relationship and a better family life.
“Everyone keeps telling us that kids are awful and that they’ll ruin our lives.” This assumption, which would have been an anathema in our parents’ and grandparents’ day, has become increasingly popular among certain groups of people, both parents and nonparents. What wonderful lives we would all be leading, they proclaim loudly, if these noisy, demanding, ungrateful kids weren’t wreaking havoc on our lives and disrupting our sleep. The doomsayers view children as the dumping ground for all these frustrations. They tend to forget that childfree is not synonymous with problem-free. Time may be more available to the childfree, but it’s still finite. Everyone has to make compromises, set priorities, and give up some pleasures for others.
Such people also fail to understand the nature of children. Like Henry Higgins, who wanted to know why women aren’t like men, they want to know why a child can’t be more like an adult. They view disobedience and misbehavior as a personal attack on their authority rather than the natural actions of someone who simply hasn’t yet learned patience and control. One mother of two expressed it beautifully, “If there is just one thing I could tell your readers, it would be to think of children as smaller people, not as monsters or Martians.” Although this woman’s career as a mathematician has been hindered by her children, she has never forgotten that they are human beings, not inanimate objects or malicious creatures out to block her path.
Raising children is difficult, and certainly not everyone should do it, but a decision to remain childfree should never be made on the basis of this inaccurate assumption because it cheats all decision-makers by stunting the growth they’re entitled to. Although this assumption is equally harmful to parents and nonparents, they suffer in different ways. When they fall prey to this assumption, nonparents stop too soon and parents go too far.
Sometimes, nonparents don’t bother to analyze the positive implications of their choice. It isn’t enough to know why parenthood is awful; you also have to know why the childfree choice can be so fulfilling. What would a child prevent you from doing? Making laws? Flying planes? Writing books? Whatever your mission or your goals, are you arranging your life so you can really devote yourself to those goals? Are you taking the risks and making the commitments that will make these activities as satisfying as possible? If you choose the childfree choice simply because you’re convinced that kids are horrible brats, you probably won’t be able to make the most of your life without them.
Parents and parents-to-be, on the other hand, get carried away with unnecessary anxiety. They worry excessively, expecting each new age/stage to bring disaster. They may wind up missing out on some of the fun of parenthood.
In the old days, parents of newborns complained, “Nobody ever told us it would be so hard.” Now, some of my clients are surprised and relieved to discover that parenthood, while absolutely grueling at times, turns out, overall to be easier than they expected.
One young couple, ready to watch their marriage go
down the tubes, was amazed to find themselves making love after putting the baby in his cradle. Expecting to hate the baby at 2:00 A.M., one father found rocking his daughter in the moonlight to be one of the high points of his day. Convinced that only insanity led her to take a three-months’ leave from her high-powered corporate job, one new mother ended up taking off the rest of the year because she was having so much fun. Obviously there are many people who would not find these experiences pleasurable, but painting an entirely negative picture of parenthood simply makes it needlessly frightening for those who really would have fun with their children.
When someone’s in the midst of a tale of parental woe, listen with a critical ear. Ask yourself whether this person is sincerely interested in warning you about the problems of parenthood. Is this person giving you a realistic view of parenthood in general or just a bitter slice of life today? In a calmer moment, you might ask, “Is there anything you like about being a parent? What do you like about your child?” You might also ask yourself, “If I were in this parent’s shoes, might I cope differently?”
If you spend time with other parents and children, you will get a broader view of not only the problems but also the joys. You will also note a variety of attitudes among parents. People who long to be parents and are reasonably optimistic and resilient have a lot more fun.
Poison Vials About the Childfree Choice
“I’m afraid I’ll be sorry later, and that means I should have a child.” You’ve made a careful, well-thought-out decision to remain childfree, but sometimes you worry that you will be sorry when you’re fifty. Does this mean you should become a parent after all? No, it doesn’t.
Everyone will regret his or her decision at some moments. Regrets over what might have been are an inevitable part of life. Therefore, the question to ask is, which decision will you regret least? (See the “Rocking Chair” exercise in Chapter 2, “Secret Doors.”)
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