Games Couples Play
Arm-twisting, in any form, is dangerous. Whether you issue a direct ultimatum or resort to more devious manipulations, you are treating your partner as an object by refusing to listen to or respect his or her wishes. Although in some cases the pressured partner accepts the outcome cheerfully, trying to make the best of it, this is rare. Resentment about the arm-twisting is bound to bubble up, and the pressured partner may assume a martyr role, blaming the other if the decision doesn’t work out well, playing on the other’s guilt. Sometimes, in fact, the pressured partner may allow the situation to occur because he or she unconsciously seeks the martyr role as a way of later manipulating the other.
Although the direct approach is the best, many couples can’t or won’t relate that way. Instead, they resort to games based on arm-twisting or subtle manipulation—often with disastrous consequences. Let’s take a look at some of these games and how they can be avoided.
“Baby, You Can Twist My Arm”
In this game, the partner who feels more strongly about the issue (often the more dominant partner) speaks out loud and clear for his or her choice, and the other partner gives in without stopping to consider if it’s the right choice for both.
The payoff: avoiding a fight.
The price: lack of mutuality and autonomy in the relationship. The victimized partner usually plays a game of his or her own: “Look what you’ve done; it’s all your fault.” If the choice was to parent, when things go wrong he or she can exclaim, “Don’t blame me; it was your choice.” If the decision was to be childfree and the couple is later unhappy for any reason, the victimized partner can always say, “I bet we would have been better off with kids. You never gave me a chance to have them. Look where it’s gotten us.”
The counter game: Respond to the attempted arm-twisting by saying, “I understand you have very strong feelings about this. I have some feelings, too, although I haven’t thought them through yet. Let’s plan a time to discuss this. We’re talking about my life, too, and I need to do my homework before I can participate in the decision.”
The Avoidance Game
In this game, one partner, usually the one who wants a baby, tries to get the other to talk about the issue. The other usually says, “Later.” He or she is always too tired or too busy for the baby decision.
The payoff: avoiding a difficult issue.
The price: retaliation by the eager partner and the uncomfortable sensation of living with an unsolved problem, one that may linger in the air indefinitely.
The counter game: Make a date with your partner to discuss the issue. If your mate is pressuring you for a baby that you don’t want, be honest about your feelings.
Actually, some partners who press their mates in this fashion are disappointed and frightened when they get a direct response. They may even unconsciously bring up the subject precisely when their partner is engrossed in another activity. Why? Because they enjoy the role of the “good guy” who wants to resolve the issue while also enjoying the security of the rebuff that’s sure to come.
A variation of this game can occur when a partner leaning toward being childfree wants to get sterilized or otherwise resolve the issue once and for all. Again, the avoiding partner would be better off expressing his or her doubts directly rather than merely avoiding the issue.
“Shrink”
In this game, one partner uses psychological weapons to shame the other into a desired decision. While the most common form of this game is amateur psychiatry, the game may be even more deadly when the partner playing this role is a professional therapist. Here is how one husband played amateur psychiatrist.
Sally wanted to remain childfree; Bert wanted a child. He went to the library and spent all day copying quotes from psychoanalysts who claimed that women who wanted to remain childfree are running away from their destiny and trying to be men. He presented his findings to Sally with the zealousness of a D.A. who’s gotten the goods on a thief.
The payoff: Bert expressed his hostility and frustration to Sally.
The price: Sally was angry and hurt and more determined than ever to remain childfree.
The counter game: Bert should express his desire for children and his disappointment that Sally doesn’t share this desire directly. He and Sally have to recognize that both have a right to their own opinion.
Bert can make progress by changing “you” messages to “I” messages, avoiding statements like, “You’re unfeminine because you don’t want children,” or “You’re neurotic,” and instead, say, “I feel disappointed. I want to be a father, and I would like to spend more time talking about the possibility of having a child together.”
As a result of the “I” message, Sally may be able to reconsider and even change her mind. At the very least, Sally’s communication has been improved, and Sally will feel that Bert respects her even though he disagrees with her.
“Sneak”
This game is played when one partner, usually the wife, sabotages birth control in order to conceive against the other’s wishes. It’s hard for men to play this game because their wives generally take more responsibility for contraception than they do.
The payoff: getting a desired baby without having to negotiate with one’s partner.
The price: resentment on the part of the deceived partner and a weakened marital bond.
The counter game: The partner who wants a child should directly communicate his or her wish and try to negotiate.
A variation of this game can occur when one partner secretly practices birth control even though the couple has ostensibly agreed to have a child. But the subterfuge is bound to come out sooner or later when the deceived partner’s suspicions are aroused and he or she suggests fertility treatment.
“The Courting Divorce Game”
Kristen has come to two conclusions: She’s not happy with her marriage, and she’s thinking she might want to leave it. Her partner, Seth, knows Kristen wants a baby, but he worries that the stresses of child care could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. But Seth also knows that Kristen complains of his workaholism and inattentiveness even when he is at home. In this game, in a not-so-great marriage, a partner, in this case Kristen presents the idea to Seth that having a baby will be the glue that holds them together. She offers him a positive picture of them as a family to encourage his cooperation. But Kristin is hiding crucial information from Seth. She has told herself, “I want this child more than the marriage. Even if the marriage falls apart, I’ll still have the child.”
The payoff: the player gets a child.
The price: dishonesty will undermine an already shaky relationship. And the added stress of the baby is bound to make the relationship worse. This is clearly not fair to the baby who has no control over the stability of her home.
The counter game: Kristen could level with Seth that she is unhappy in the marriage and that despite this she would like to have a child. Using their desire for a baby for inspiration, she and Seth could have couples’ counseling to improve their relationship. If it improves, they can talk openly about a baby and the risk that having a baby might cause their marriage to break up. Kristen could still wind up a divorced mother, and she might consider that scenario better than raising the child in a bad marriage. By being honest, she gives Seth and their relationship a chance. That will be important to both of them even if she leaves, with or without a child.
No matter how tempting it may be to push, especially if a gentle or even not-so-gentle, nudge seems likely to get you what you want, the consequences won’t be pleasant. The antidote to pressure tactics is direct, honest communication, which brings us to the key to resolving the tug-of-war: The desired product—a mutual decision—will only be as good as the process—mutual communication. In other words, by listening carefully to one another without trying to manipulate and without getting angry or defensive, you will demonstrate your mutual love and respect, and you will be less likely to spiral down into an
I-it relationship. While you won’t be able to help being angry, you can tone it down, especially if your partner is truly listening to you.
This kind of dialogue indicates that you accept your partner as a human being in his or her own right who exists for more than your pleasure. It shows that you accept your partner’s right to seek his or her own identity and fulfillment. And even though one of you will not get what you want, you can take pride in the quality of your interactions. You have each respected each other and validated your feelings. This leads to feeling close, feeling like partners, and more optimistic about living with a choice that wasn’t your first.
Decision-Makers’ Bill of Responsibilities to Partner
You are obligated to:
Listen to your partner’s needs, desires, arguments, concerns, and preferences.
Give verbal feedback to show that you understand his or her point of view.
Explain your needs, desires, arguments, concerns, and preferences rather than assuming that your partner can read your mind or would already know “if you really love me.”
Recognize that your preference is simply that—a preference, and that neither your choice nor your partner’s is right or wrong in any absolute sense.
First Aid for Battling Couples
By now, I hope you and your partner are ready to discuss the issue of having a baby openly and honestly. But before you do, it might be a good idea for both of you to ask yourselves the following questions. You may come up with some insights that will lead to a faster solution and, at the very least, you’ll both have a clearer sense of all the issues involved.
How unhappy would you be if you agreed to your partner’s choice? Could you be happy with either decision? Are you feeling stuck even though you think that accepting your partner’s choice would probably work?
Are you totally opposed to your partner’s choice or just ambivalent? After doing the exercises in this book and discussing issues with your partner, can you think of any advantages of doing what he or she wants?
Do you object to your partner’s decision itself or rather to the feeling of being pushed? If it’s the latter, then ask your partner for a pressure-free moratorium period to give you a chance to make your own decision.
Is the disagreement unconditional, or are you simply battling about specific conditions such as: when to have a baby;
how much money can be saved first;
whether you can afford a child on one salary or even two;
whether career issues have to be resolved or career training has to be completed;
incompatible childrearing approaches;
natural pregnancy versus adoption;
the division of labor that would occur after parenthood;
the need for more time before deciding;
a fear of risk-taking;
unresolved ambivalence;
whether to have one child or two?
Is it possible that you are somewhat in agreement with your partner but stalling in order to bargain for something else? Do you fear that you can’t get what you want from your partner if you address the other issue directly?
Were you originally drawn to your partner because of the very same nurturing qualities that now attract him to parenthood? Or were you attracted by your partner’s desire for independence and solitude, qualities that now propel her toward the childfree choice? If so, what would you, your partner, and your marriage lose in terms of those qualities if your choice were selected? What pleasure and meaning might you find in honoring your partner’s wishes even though this wasn’t your first choice?
A useful question is “How could I make my choice easier or more attractive to you?”
Working It Out
Here is how one couple negotiated a compromise. Bettina definitely wanted a baby. Hal was not only uncertain about fathering but also unwilling to talk about it. One day the couple managed to knock down the barrier.
BETTINA: Why do you always change the subject whenever I ask you about having a baby?
HAL: Because I just don’t see how it would work out.
BETTINA: Why shouldn’t it work out? Don’t you want to have children as much as I do?
HAL: Well, I don’t know. I guess I want a baby, but I don’t think it makes any sense to have one. Look, you complain as it is about my working so hard and not being around much nights and weekends. You want me to take more responsibility than I do. If we had a baby, wouldn’t you be even more resentful? You’d have even more work, and I just wouldn’t be able to be much help.
BETTINA: Wouldn’t be able to or wouldn’t be willing to? Lots of men are taking half the load of housework and child care and still managing to get ahead at work.
HAL: But those men are sacrificing their career success. They’re just not going to go as far because of their family. That’s fine for some men, but it’s not fine for me. I’m not willing to slip behind just to have a family. I do think I could offer a child a lot of love and caring. But I can’t see myself taking the time to do all the day-to-day diapering and doctor’s appointments.
BETTINA: Well, I want to have a baby, but I sure don’t want to have to do all the work. I know what you’re getting at. You want to have your cake and eat it, too. You’re saying to yourself, “Oh, good old Bettina, I know what I’ll do. I’ll say I don’t want a baby even though I do. Poor thing is so desperate to get pregnant she’ll agree to anything. I’ll get her to say she’ll take all the responsibility for the baby.” You get the pleasure of fatherhood while I get all the miseries.
HAL: Bettina, maybe I am doing that. I don’t know. I’m certainly not doing it on purpose. I do want a child but not if it’s going to mean sacrificing my career. I don’t feel like I’m playing a game. I’m really in a quandary. I do want a child, probably as much as you do. I just don’t know how we can work it out.
BETTINA: I’m willing to do more than you. I always have, even though I’ve never liked the situation. But I refuse to be Cinderella. What are we going to do about it?
HAL: For one thing, let’s not force ourselves to decide right this minute. If I hit you with an ultimatum like “the baby’s all yours or else we’re not having it,” I know that’s not fair. If I agree to have a baby and promise to do more than I really will, I’ll be unfair to both of us.
BETTINA: So how can we work this out? Let’s see. What if you agree to think about, say, spending Saturdays being responsible for the child? Maybe one day off would be enough for me.
HAL: That is something to think about. Maybe if we didn’t have a baby for another two or three years, I might even want to gear down a little. I’ve seen Bill and Harry do that at work. They used to burn the midnight oil a lot more than they do now. They seem to spend more time with their families than they used to. And maybe if I get another promotion or two, we’d be able to afford some help. That would take a lot of the burden off you, and it would take pressure off me.
BETTINA: That sounds OK—I guess. I can’t help resenting the sexism in getting yourself out of the housework by paying somebody else to do it. But it does sound like a possible way of having a kid without ruining our lives.
HAL: Yeah, it really seems more workable now. Do you feel better about all this?
BETTINA: I’m still upset, and it’s far from resolved, but I do feel more optimistic. I feel better now that you’re finally willing to listen and to think about compromises.
HAL: And I feel better, knowing that you’re not out to take my career away from me. Why has it taken so long to have this talk?
If you’ve discussed these issues and you still don’t seem to be making any headway, think about these alternatives:
Consider counseling. (see Chapter 12, “Help!”)
Consider postponing the decision, perhaps even indefinitely. As I said earlier, postponement can be constructive or destructive. It’s generally constructive if you set specific goals for a spec
ific period of time. It’s generally destructive if it leads to the non-decision to be a nonparent (childfree drift) or the non-decision to be a parent (an accident). Non-decisions cheat you out of growth opportunities, and make it easy for you to feel sorry for yourself and to blame your partner or fate for the outcome. However, if the decision is driving you apart, an agreement to do absolutely nothing may be the only way to defuse serious conflict. Put the issue on a back burner for the next few weeks or months if necessary, and then try to confront it again. But if you decide to do this, avoid a permanent non-decision by agreeing to bring up the subject at a later date.
Take a reading on the intensity of both your own and your partner’s feelings about the issue. If your partner is ambivalent and you lean toward a particular choice, see if time, research, talking, and/ or couple’s therapy may enable your partner to move toward your choice. However, if one of you really wants a child and the other is just as vehement about remaining childfree, you are almost certainly better off choosing to be childfree. It’s not at all easy, but it is easier for an unwilling nonparent to meet parenting needs outside the home than it is for an unwilling parent to tolerate a child in the home. This is the one parenthood situation that could easily lead to divorce.
Don’t Become a “Single” Married Parent
Perhaps you’ve thought about solving your dilemma by becoming a “single” parent in a married household—telling your unwilling partner that you’ll take all the responsibility for the child. Don’t do it. It’s impossible and disastrous to live in a house where there is a child present—your child—and avoid any involvement. If two people have their arms around each other and one plunges into a pool, the other is going to get just as wet. There is no such thing as a one-parent family in a two-partner home.
The Baby Decision Page 14