The Baby Decision

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The Baby Decision Page 18

by Merle Bombardieri


  If you choose single parenthood, some of the issues you will deal with will include handling dating and relationships while pursuing parenthood or after you have a child, and helping your child deal with identity issues, e.g., “Do I have a daddy?”

  Another issue that comes up in single parenting is that there may be a need to dilute the intensity of the parent-child bond that could contribute to separation anxiety on the part of the parent and child, including when beginning school or new activities or when the nest empties.

  Will My Child Feel Weird and Alone?

  Many parents worry about this possibility. Single or LGBT parents or those who adopted, used donors, or surrogacy also are concerned about whether their child will stand out, be ridiculed, or otherwise be mistreated. Familiarity with and respect for non-traditional families varies according to the population make-up, school districts designations, and the religious and political beliefs of your neighbors, congregants, and community. When you add to the mix children of divorce and children from other countries and practicing other religions, you may be pleasantly surprised at just how diverse your child’s circles turn out to be. And of course, all children benefit from being exposed to so many families and possibilities, including childfree families of two. (See the Bibliography and Resources to find advice from professionals and parents from alternative families on communicating with neighbors, teachers, and others.)

  You may also want to participate in support or meet-up groups of families similar to yours. Such groups may include groups of people considering parenthood, parenting groups, or groups of single mothers that combine the two, with separate groups for “thinkers,” “tryers” and mothers, followed by a potluck where everyone interacts.

  One good thing about single parenthood is that your child will know he or she was loved and wanted. You made a conscious choice and went to great effort to bring this child into your life.

  When people say, “It’s hard enough to raise a child with a partner. Isn’t it going to be tough for you?” give them the benefit of the doubt. They’re wishing you could parent with a partner (and maybe you actually will down the road), but they’re not thinking realistically about your choices. Elle told her older sister, “I’d rather be a forty-two-year-old single mother than be childless. I’m forty-two anyway, and I’d rather be fulfilled than disgruntled.”

  Some people worry that if they “tie themselves down with a kid” they will never find a partner. In fact, some people wind up with the Great American dream in reverse order, finding a partner who falls in love with their child as well as them. Many women who have attended my workshops tell me that it is suddenly easier to look for a partner when they know that they can have a child on her own. You can kiss desperation goodbye when tonight’s date isn’t your only ticket to motherhood. You no longer have to wonder if he will commit fast enough to beat your biological clock.

  You now get to replace desperation with curiosity. Am I attracted to him? Do I feel good when I’m with him? Is he fun? Do I want to see him again? You may also find that a new partner is attracted to you partly because of your decision. He could admire your courage and value your nurturing abilities.

  Some single friends, in addition to being happy for you, may be eager to coach you through childbirth, encourage you through an adoption process, or be involved in your family life. In some single mothers-by-choice support groups, women who rule out motherhood for themselves connect with another woman who has a child so that they can have a special relationship with a particular child and provide respite for the mother. Everybody wins. (See “Para Dads and Para Moms” by Pepper Schwartz, in the Single Parent section of the Bibliography.)

  You may find that siblings and friends in more traditional families are enormously excited for you, even if they worry about some of the problems you may face in terms of discrimination or overwork. If they have enjoyed being parents themselves, they can be glad that you will enjoy childrearing, too. They may have a strong sense of what you’ll miss if you never have a child, and they may also find inspiration in your courage to have a child under tougher circumstances.

  In addition to single men and women and LGBT persons, other people may be judged negatively by some people including fertility doctors, adoption workers, or other professionals. If you are low-income, have a medical problem that could make pregnancy or parenting harder, are an unmarried couple, or are over forty, it is absolutely crucial to find professionals who treat you with respect. It is worth asking around: friends, doctors, clergy, or counselors you trust, or adoption and fertility referral organizations, or online groups. The extra research will pay off in your comfort-level when you work with people who want to help you become a parent. Their support doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t have questions and guidance for you. In fact, their expertise may well be useful, but because they are supportive, you’ll know their questions and suggestions are intended to help rather than hinder your choice. These professionals may also be able to refer you to support groups, classes, or websites.

  Thank goodness for options. Today single people can get pregnant or adopt. In this section, we won’t be talking about people who became single parents through divorce or death. We’ll be talking about women and men who consciously choose to become parents on their own, without a partner.

  Why Be a Single Parent?

  There are a number of reasons for choosing single parenthood. Some people simply don’t want a partner even though they do want a child. Others would prefer to be married but haven’t found the right person yet. Single parenthood, for many, is a better alternative than marrying the wrong person just to have a child before the biological alarm goes off.

  The typical single mother by choice is a college-educated career woman in her late thirties to mid-forties who is divorced or never married. At this point on her fertility continuum, having a child is more important to her than having a partner. She knows that she may find a life mate at forty-seven or fifty, but she can’t wait that long for a child. She may have wanted a child for a long time but “delayed her gratification” until finishing her education or getting established in her career. But when the “right” time came, Mr. Right hadn’t yet shown up.

  Joys of Single Parenthood

  An intimate relationship with a child. Discovering the pleasure of sharing, caring, and commitment with another human being. Some singles feel their lives are lonely and meaningless, devoid of human connections. A child can provide meaning and stability in one’s life. However, this should be a benefit, not a motivation for choosing single parenthood. If you have a child because you’re lonely or unhappy, both of you may suffer.

  The satisfaction of doing things your way. Partners often disagree about child-rearing tactics, and power struggles are common. As a single parent, you can call the shots and make all the decisions.

  In the case of adoption, the joy of providing a good home to a child who needs one. Just be clear that you are doing more than a good deed. “I need this child as much as she needs me,” adoptive parents tell me.

  A new self-respect for having the courage to make a choice that’s right for you even though others may disapprove.

  A sense of pride in being able to manage parenthood without a partner.

  A sense of interdependence. You may never have realized how loving and caring your family and friends were until you needed their help in caring for your sick child or relieving you for an afternoon. They may even anticipate your needs better than you do. And even if some of these people disappoint you in their follow-through, you may be pleasantly surprised by others who step in.

  Difficulties of Single Parenthood

  You may feel isolated at times as a one-parent family in a two-parent world. And you may feel overburdened both psychologically and financially.

  Your social life and your life as a parent may clash. Your child may resent your partner, your partner may resent your child, and you may resent their resentment! Dating becomes more difficult sinc
e time is less available and child care arrangements have to be made.

  You’re soloing in a job that’s tough even for two. Can you handle the frustration, the isolation? Remember that if you are resourceful and resilient, you may parent better than many couples!

  You may encounter prejudice from unexpected quarters, such as family and friends whom you thought would be supportive. Such disapproval can be hard to handle especially if you weren’t prepared for it. And even if you expected it, living with it may be more difficult than you thought it would.

  It’s Your Choice

  Despite these difficulties, there is one important compensation: you’ve chosen to be a single parent voluntarily and consciously. In contrast, those who become single parents by default—through divorce or death—have no choice in the matter. You are proactively adding a child to create your family. In the case of widowed and divorced parents, fate has subtracted a co-parent. You prepared in advance to handle single parenting. The divorced or widowed parent, on the other hand, expected to share the responsibility and may be ill-prepared to go it alone. Another consideration, if you’re intimidated by the potential burden is that many mothers who are married might as well be single for all the help they get from their husbands.

  Mikki Morrisette, single mother of two and author of Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman’s Guide, ends her book with two paragraphs that can, along with the checklist below, contribute to your self-evaluation:

  It is never my intention to encourage women to take this step lightly. While I believe everyone can, I recognize that many should not. Yes, there are issues of finances, fatherlessness, biological identity, energy, and ability to offer basic, quality parenting skills: open communication, authoritative discipline, respect, and effective stress management. But what it boils down to is whether each one of us has the heart to raise a child.

  To be a responsible parent, quite simply, requires the capacity to love. If your heart is open, and you have the good judgment required to be responsive to someone else’s needs, as well as the capacity to set limits, then you have the ingredients needed to build a Choice Home {the author’s term for a family created by a single mother by choice} filled with the simple, connect-the-dot moments that every child needs.

  Considerations for Potential Single Parents

  1.What is your financial situation? Can you reasonably support a child? If you want to work part-time after the child’s birth or after you adopt, will you be able to afford to? If you want to continue working full-time, what sort of child care can you get, and how comfortable will you be with it? Are you willing to cut down on travel, movies, dinners out? Can you live on a tighter budget? Remember, the money you’ve been spending on yourself will have to be spread to cover two. Your willingness or unwillingness may serve as values clarification for how much a baby matters to you.

  2.What is your social situation? If you are in a relationship, do you want your partner to be the biological and/or psychological parent? Is s/he willing? If so, how will this affect your relationship? Are you harboring unrealistic hopes that parenting together will lead to a permanent commitment? And if a man serves as biological father or as the major father figure, how would your partner react? How will a child affect your relationships with your friends—male and female?

  3.What is your family situation? Will your parents, siblings, and other relatives be supportive or critical? How will a child affect your relations with them, both negatively and positively? If these people are conservative, will they accept the child once they get to know him? It’s important to distinguish between hostile criticism and sincere concern for your welfare. Are they expressing narrow-minded or rigid attitudes, or are they asking important, useful questions that may not have occurred to you? And if they are just narrow-minded, can you live with the hostility or perhaps even outright rejection of you and the child? Can your child live with it as well? Keep in mind, that many people who originally discouraged you may fall in love with your child, and realize that you made a good decision after all.

  4.What is your support system? If you have a baby, who would coach you through childbirth? Who would help you when you got home from the hospital? Who would you visit on Sunday afternoons? Where would you and the child spend Christmas or Passover? Would you be able to call someone and say, “This kid is driving me crazy. Do you have time to talk?” or “Could you come over and stay with Emma while I go out for a while?” With whom will you share the bad moments (terrible twos, high fevers) and the good (first tooth, a blue ribbon at the science fair)? You may not need a partner’s support, but you will need somebody’s. That somebody can include lovers, friends of both sexes, family members, and paid help. No happy, single parent truly parents alone. If she lacks a co-star, she’ll need a whole cast of supporting actors instead. You may not be able to anticipate or predict who all these people will be, but you should have some people in mind and check out their availability.

  5.Can you establish a comfortable balance of independence and interdependence? Are you independent enough to raise a child on your own? Can you also allow yourself some healthy dependence, asking others for help when you need it?

  6.Are you choosing single parenthood for any of the following wrong reasons:

  Do you believe that a child will cure your loneliness? He or she may, for a few years, but older children generally spend more time with their peers than with their parents. And then they leave home.

  Do you like being in control and believe you can control a child better than an adult? Would it be easier for you to be intimate with a child than with an adult? Again, these are problems to be worked out in therapy, not through your child. If you become a parent for either of these reasons, you could wind up becoming intrusive, tyrannical, or overprotective. You and your child would both suffer.

  7. What resources are available in your community? Are there single-parent support groups that offer emotional support as well as practical assistance with housing, jobs, and child care co-ops? It’s really great to share joys and frustrations with others in your situation. Are there any single mothers around with whom you might want to live? Find out if there is any co-housing or other communal housing that includes parents and children, both married and single. If you know other single parents, ask them about their experiences, both pro and con. If you can, spend some time with them to see what their lives are like. Compare the similarities and differences between their situations and reactions and yours. Might it make sense to move to a more accommodating community, for instance Oregon or Vermont with a slower pace or a lot of support? Don’t forget the online communities and listservs that can overcome isolation.

  8. How will you go about getting or having a child? You have three basic options:

  A biological pregnancy

  Donor insemination

  Adoption.

  Let’s consider some of the advantages and disadvantages of each.

  Pregnancy Through Intercourse

  Women who decide to conceive through intercourse, rather than via donor insemination, have two alternatives: to choose a man with whom they have a committed relationship or a man they know casually. In either case, a woman has to decide whether to be honest about her objectives. Some women are having unprotected sex without telling their sex partner about their interest in a baby. They reason that if their lover knew they were trying to get pregnant he might refuse to cooperate, end the relationship, or try to get custody at some later point. Therefore, by not telling, things will be less complicated. However, when a single woman is trying to get pregnant and not doing clinic insemination, the relationship is complicated and there’s no getting around that fact.

  First, consider what might happen if the man involved is a longtime lover whom you don’t want to lose. What will you do when you get pregnant? Pretend it was an accident? Confess?

  Suppose the potential father is a new lover. You might argue that sex is taking place between two consenting adults. But just beca
use a man has consented to intercourse doesn’t mean he has consented to fatherhood. You are taking the liberty of making a parenthood decision for the two of you. Some women counter by saying, “Well, men have always used us for sex, leaving us with unwanted babies in the process. Why can’t we use them for babies that we do want?”

  I believe that men and women are both entitled to make decisions about procreation. Even if you are willing to take complete financial and psychological responsibility for the child, I don’t think a man should be put in the position of unintended fatherhood. There are many conscientious men who wouldn’t like the idea that a child they fathered is being raised by somebody else and that they are not caring for her or him.

  Perhaps you think that what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, and you may be right. But it will hurt you and your baby. A good parent-child relationship, in my opinion, is based on honesty. When you use a lover as if he were a non-anonymous sperm bank, you are falling into the kind of I-it relationship we discussed in Chapter 6, “Tug-of-War.”

  Another problem is that at some point your child will ask you about his or her father. You will either have to pretend you don’t know or admit that the father has never been told. Obviously either of these responses could cause anguish for both you and the child, not to mention the father, should you or the child contact him later.

  However, legal morasses may, unfortunately, prevent you from being open with your lover even if you are so inclined. According to attorneys specializing in family law, if a man knows he’s your baby’s father, he can sue you for visitation rights and/or for custody even if you’re not married and he previously signed an agreement waiving paternal rights and you previously signed an agreement not to demand child support. Even if you don’t tell him the baby is his, if he suspects it is, he can file a paternity suit. If the appropriate blood tests, etc., establish him to be the father, he can sue for visitation rights and/or custody.

 

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