2. Think child, not children. Baby decisions should be made one at a time. Nature may give you twins, but you ought to at least decide on one pregnancy at a time! You don’t have to commit to two children before you have even experienced one. When you are ready to consider a second baby decision, your experience as a parent will make that decision much easier.
3. If you are both certain that you want to have a baby, but you’re afraid—of a change in the status quo, of the responsibility—try to overcome your paralysis.
a. Try a chair dialogue (Chapter 2, “Secret Doors”) by yourself or with your partner, and talk out some of your fears. Roleplay some of the scenarios that seem frightening. Are you afraid your husband won’t find you attractive during pregnancy? Are you worried your wife will become too wrapped up in the baby? Are you nervous about handling a newborn? By acting out your fears, you may be able to conquer them, especially with your partner’s support. It can also be useful to role-play in reverse, acting out each other’s fears to get some insight into one another. If you step into your partner’s shoes, and vice versa, you’ll both be in a better position to support and help each other if and when real problems come up.
b. Realize that some of your fears cannot be overcome beforehand. If the baby decision is right for you, you’ll adjust. Parents who claim that their children ruined their lives are, for the most part, people who should never have had children. They may have started parenthood with an unplanned pregnancy. They are unlikely to have made the kind of thorough, thoughtful choice that you are making.
c. Remember that waiting may only make things worse. If you know you want a child, but haven’t been able to say “tonight’s the night” for six months, it may be time to take the leap. Remember the first time you stood on a diving board, frozen with fear? The longer you stood and stared at the water, the harder it became to take the plunge.
d. Consider switching to a riskier contraceptive. By using sponges or condoms, you will move toward pregnancy less abruptly than if you went straight from the pill or patch to nothing. Or, use contraceptives occasionally, but not every time you make love. This is a good way to test the strength of your choice. If you’re absolutely panicked about having sex with less protection or no protection, consider going back to safer contraceptives. If starting to get pregnant panics you, give your decision more time to jell. Re-reading parts of this book or talking with each other or trusted friends may help.
e. Realize that you may not get pregnant immediately. Unfortunately, many couples, anxious about the decision, expect to conceive immediately, perhaps hoping that pregnancy will magically dissolve their ambivalence. And when they don’t conceive right away, they panic. Give yourself time and assume that you will soon conceive.
4. If you still have serious doubts, reconsider the possibility of remaining childfree. If you’re childfree and you change your mind, you do have three options: a pregnancy if it’s not too late; adoption; or substitute gratifications such as special friendships, volunteer, and professional work with children. But if you have a child despite your doubts, the options are limited. So if your doubts are more intense than the normal last-minute panic, give the childfree choice some more attention.
Seeking Professional Help
Finding this decision painful doesn’t mean you need therapy. When you examine your past, it’s not unusual to find some painful memories. When you consider your possible future as a parent or nonparent, it’s not unusual to feel sad about the road not taken. A childfree man contemplating a vasectomy may mourn the son he’ll never teach to ski. A woman who’s trying to get pregnant may mourn the freedom she is relinquishing. Don’t be afraid of your pain. It is part of making a good decision. Only if it becomes intolerable is it a reason for seeking professional help.
Yet, if any of the following situations apply to you, seeing a counselor may be a good idea.
1. You’re frustrated because you’ve spent six months or more on the decision, and you haven’t made progress.
2. You and your partner are poles apart. One of you says “Now!” and the other says “Never!” Before calling a counselor, reread Chapter 6, “Tug-of-War.” If you’re still at loggerheads, then you probably need professional help. The chapter may help you make a list of issues to bring to the therapist.
3. You’re too “stuck” to do the exercises. If you draw a blank when you close your eyes, your unconscious mind is clamped shut. Trying working on them with a therapist.
4. You’ve done the exercises, and you are disturbed by what you’re discovering. You may be threatened by the choice you’re leaning toward, or perhaps you’re coming to the unnerving realization that you have a lot of emotional problems to resolve. Talk to your partner and friends first. If this doesn’t help, maybe a professional will.
5. You and your partner can’t converse on the subject long enough to find out whether or not you disagree. Perhaps your partner refuses to discuss the issue. Or maybe one or both of you are disappearing into long silences or making accusations rather than speaking openly. Perhaps you plan times to talk but wind up doing “more urgent things” and never manage to sit down together.
6. You’re leaning toward parenthood, but one of you was abused as a child. Perhaps you or partner worry that if you become a parent, you will fall into the same abusive pattern with your child. Or perhaps you have an emotional problem that makes you doubt your ability to be a good parent. Spending some time working with a professional can help you figure out whether you have healed enough to feel comfortable parenting.
Choosing the Right Kind of Help
The Baby Decision Workshop
A special workshop focusing solely on the baby decision may be conducted by a psychotherapist, counselor, or teacher. It may be a one-shot deal for a day or a weekend, or it may meet one evening a week for several weeks. The workshop serves several purposes:
It gives you an overview of what’s involved in making a baby decision.
It offers you tools in the form of exercises and activities that help you get a handle on the problem.
It allows you to share your confusion and your solutions with others, getting and giving feedback and support.
It shows you how others are dealing with the baby decision. Listening to other people’s struggles can help you sort out your own, especially if their values, needs, and interests are similar to yours.
If other students speak of the attractions of a choice you find unappealing, you may get some new perspectives that make you more open to that possibility.
It offers you and your partner an opportunity to talk in a non-threatening atmosphere.
Reacting negatively and viscerally to someone’s statement may show how strongly you are committed to the other choice.
You can usually attend without your partner if he or she won’t come. Some groups are for women only, but most are open to all men and women, single and coupled, LGBT and straight. If a workshop is full and there isn’t another one scheduled for some time, ask the workshop leader (if he or she is a therapist) whether you and your partner could set up a few counseling sessions.
A good workshop will have the following characteristics:
A workshop leader who accepts the validity of both choices.
A balanced format consisting of presentations, informal discussions, and values-clarification exercises such as the ones in this book.
A group large enough to bring in a number of viewpoints but not so large that you’ll feel too shy to talk. Six to twelve is ideal, in my experience.
If you are unsure about whether a workshop is right for you, or if you would just like to find out more in advance, don’t hesitate to call the leader and ask some questions such as:
What is your professional training?
Are you open to both choices?
What decision did you make? (If the leader is defensive, angry, or uncomfortable about answering this, you don’t want to be in the workshop.)
The leader’s
decision needn’t reflect the choice you think you’re leaning toward. And if he or she is any good, that won’t even be an issue. All you need is someone who will support and accept the choice you do make because it’s the right one for you. You want to make sure the therapist is even-handed about the topic and is able to talk about it without sounding upset. If the therapist sounds upset, the decision may be loaded for them. The decision could be unresolved for them, or they could be living with a decision imposed by a partner.
You can also ask the instructor to send you a course outline and if available, some course evaluations if these are not posted online.
Individual Therapy
While a baby decision workshop is educational in focus, individual therapy will apply the concepts and techniques in a way that uniquely addresses your personal needs and emotions. It is a time, place, and relationship completely focused on you.
You can set up a specified number of individual sessions, four to six for example, to work solely on the baby decision. Or you can keep the number of sessions open-ended to explore not only the baby decision but related personal growth issues. This is up to you and your therapist and depends on your decision-making deadline and your goals. But you don’t have to sign your life or your wallet away. You can see a therapist for just a few goal-oriented sessions.
Individual therapy is appropriate if:
You’ve attended a workshop and want to explore your decision or your conflicts about it more fully than you could in a group.
You are already familiar with the issues and are busy exploring them but want some expert help in sorting them out.
You’re disturbed by what you’re learning about yourself or concerned about your ability to be a good parent.
You want to remain childfree, but you’re overwhelmed by guilt about disappointing your partner or your parents or are having difficulty withstanding the pressure from the meddlers in your life.
Couples Counseling
If you and your partner are in serious conflict over the baby decision, marital counseling may be appropriate. But resolving mutual conflict isn’t the only reason to seek such help. You may just want an objective third party to help you explore the issue together. Since it takes two to decide (or should), joint counseling sessions can be very useful.
Here are some special tips about couples counseling.
To save time and money, prepare in advance. Do the exercises in this book before your first session. That way you will already have pinpointed your trouble spots and can get right to work on them.
Tell the therapist you want short-term, decision-focused therapy. You may want to plan for a specific number of weekly sessions. When you are starting this process, it’s often useful to attend weekly for a few weeks to get the momentum going. Then, it may work well and save money and travel time to meet every other week, using exercises in this book between sessions. The extra time between sessions gives you a chance to reflect on these exercises.
Feel free to visit or interview by phone more than one therapist before making your choice.
Paying for therapy: your health insurance may cover if your therapist is licensed for insurance payments. If you don’t have insurance, a mental health center, family service agency, or hospital psychiatric clinic may have a sliding scale. If you are in a Health Maintenance Organization, or Preferred Provider Organization, make sure that the therapist has expertise in baby decision-making. Some people decide to pay out-ofpocket for a one-time consultation or a few sessions with an expert. If they want more follow-up, they can work with an in-network therapist using suggestions from the expert.
What to Look for in a Therapist
Choose a therapist whom you like and can talk to easily. He or she needn’t specialize in the baby decision although it is helpful if the therapist has worked with children and families and, even if childfree, is familiar with the joys and sorrows of family life. However, your own feelings are the most important barometer. Feeling comfortable with the therapist is more important than specific degrees or number of years of experience. It is preferable to see someone who is licensed as a social worker, psychologist, family counselor, psychiatric nurse, or psychiatrist. You will want to find out about insurance coverage and fees.
If you can’t decide between a workshop and counseling, remember that a workshop goes wider and therapy goes deeper. A workshop covers a lot of issues but not as intensively. In counseling, you’ll delve into the specific issues that are most germane to your baby decision. And with a growth-oriented therapist, you’ll discuss the implications your choice has for your personal and marital growth.
How to Find Help
Although it is easy to feel alone when struggling with decision, there is a lot of help available. See Appendix 2 for some organizations that might refer you to a therapist. You might also search online for the nearest Planned Parenthood or Family Service Agency. Also visit resolve.org even if you don’t have a fertility problem. A RESOLVE chapter can refer you to local therapists with expertise in the transition to parenthood.
University departments of family studies, education, psychology, or social work are possibilities for both service and referrals.
Try word-of-mouth. If you have friends who have been to a workshop or tried baby decision counseling, ask them whether and how it helped. Therapists your friends have found helpful in non-baby-related personal or marital counseling might be able to see you or refer you to someone else.
Try searching therapist-finder websites such as PsychologyToday.com or GoodTherapy.org.
The baby decision is a life choice, not a sickness. Having trouble with it doesn’t necessarily mean that you need outside help, and seeking such help definitely doesn’t indicate weakness, neurosis, or failure. It means that you’re being thorough.
You’ve finally made the big decision, and you’re going to commit yourself to a childfree lifestyle. In this chapter, you’ll learn how to maximize the benefits available to you.
Congratulations on your momentous decision. You worked hard and courageously. You read the book, did the exercises, reflected, and worked with your partner. Or if you are single, you worked with a friend to think and talk it through. You may have gone to psychotherapy or a workshop. Take a minute to breathe deeply. Congratulate yourself and each other for arriving at a momentous decision.
Note to readers if childfree wasn’t your first choice
If childfree was not your first choice, you may need a break before reading this chapter. If you are deciding to be childfree after disappointing infertility treatment, I encourage you to visit resolve.org and read the “Childfree Decision Making fact sheet.” It includes essays from people who are now comfortable with being childfree post-infertility. The packet also includes my article on guidelines for childfree decision-making, including encouraging information on how your suffering will be alleviated without your becoming parents.
Once you read this material and talk about it together, it will be easier to return to this chapter and use it for planning a good life.
If you are agreeing to be childfree because it is clear that your partner would be unable to raise a child with you, you too may need a break before you can enjoy this chapter.
Regardless of how you arrived at the childfree choice, if it wasn’t your first choice, you may benefit from re-reading Chapter 6, “Tug-of-War.”
I strongly recommend some short-term couples therapy. A wise, compassionate expert can help you navigate your emotions and keep your relationship strong. From this vantage point, you will be able to start planning for your future.
As you read this, you or a partner may have cold feet. “Am I ready to say I’ll/we’ll be childfree?”
For now, let’s assume this is normal ambivalence and the normally expected first few days of embracing a decision. Keep in mind that people who decided to try for a child are also feeling some doubt.
Remember that “decide” means “to cut away from” and that you may be letting g
o or even grieving some of the potential satisfactions of parenthood. Give yourself a little more time to get used to your choice.
Living with the Childfree Choice
Although parents also can be criticized for their choice, due to the pronatalism rampant in our society, announcing your decision can be stressful. So before we discuss the satisfactions of living childfree and how to benefit fully from your choice, I offer you these guidelines.
1.Get off the hot seat. You don’t have to justify your decision to anyone (except yourself and your partner), unless you choose to do so.
2.Peel off the selfishness label, and tear it to shreds. Your choice makes you no more selfish than a parent who fulfills personal needs by having a child. Keep in mind that some people who envy your freedom and ability to take care of yourself may use the label. They may be clueless about the difference between healthy self-care and selfishness.
3.Spring the perfection trap. Non-parents sometimes feel so guilty about their choice that they try to compensate by becoming super achievers in other areas of their life. They feel that if they’re not going to have kids, they have to do something spectacular instead. But liberation from unwanted parenthood should not translate into enslavement to unreasonable demands. You don’t have to struggle to be exceptionally productive. Of course, many childfree people wind up making extraordinary accomplishments. Time not drained by parenthood is certainly conducive to creative work, business success, and social contributions. However, you should be able to make your own choices about your goals. Unreasonable expectations, whether yours or someone else’s, aren’t conducive to creative work. To be truly creative, you have to be willing to risk failure and relaxed enough to play around with ideas and possibilities.
The Baby Decision Page 22